Go Nuts for Donuts

Ever want to be Michael Vale? You know, the “time to make the donuts” guy?

No? Maybe that’s just me. Because tonight, I was a mustache and a paper hat away from hopping behind my local Dunkin' Donuts counter.

It’s true, I’m not big on the Dunk, but I love me some Donut. And Boston Kreme is my fave. Now, I had no plans to eat donuts tonight (and yes, I am the type of person who would make such a plan in advance), but I was walking down 2nd ave on my way home from work, and I was overwhelmed by the smell. The delicious smell of donuts. Resistance was futile.

Can I help it if one (or three) followed me home?

Now, if the incompetent donut wrangler behind the counter had her way, I would have gone home empty-handed. She made me work for it. She was “listening challenged.” Maybe she got mesmerized by all the donut flavors. Or maybe she was wondering how many Coolatas it would take to fill a bathtub. Or maybe she was still in shock that Adam Lambert lost. I don’t know.

I approached the counter, I looked her in the eye, and in a sweet voice sang, “I’d like a Boston Kreme, please!” After all, I was excited. I was having a spontaneous donut! She nodded (a universally accepted sign of understanding an order), then called out over her shoulder, “A cruller?”

“No,” I huffed, trying to speak more clearly, “Bos-ton Kreme.” She smiled weakly, turned back to the Wall O’ Donuts, paused and asked, “Blueberry crumb?” I immediately scanned the room for a camera, didn’t see one, and shouted, “BOSSS-TONNN KREEEME!”, then angrily pointed my whole arm in the direction of a rack holding about 2 dozen of them.

Her face scrunched up, as she pawed at the rack and dumped THREE donuts in a bag (please see above to witness that I actually only ordered one). I swear I heard the guy in line behind me mutter under his breath, “Somebody’s hungry!” But when I whipped around to glare at him, he was pretending to read his mail. Jerk.

Anyway, I DID get my donut(s). And ol’ Dumbo Ears didn’t have time to spit on them or drop them on the floor, which was nice. But it turns out the bigger test of willpower is NOT whether or not you can resist walking by your local DD -- it’s whether or not you can resist eating all three donuts for dinner (PS: I can, but only because the last one was judging me).

Want to save yourself the humiliation (and calories) of eating actual donuts?

DD has invented a way for us to play with their food with the Donut Creator tool where you can also vote on your favorite pre-designed goodies. I’d imagine one or more will be offered in-store for purchase.

Just make sure to enunciate when you place your order…