But I waited to post about it until now, in part because I didn't want to spoil it for anybody. And because I still can't believe they screwed it up so badly. Also because I am lazy.
Man, I wanted to love it, but it broke my heart.
In all this time, I've thought about WHY I hated it (and my mom hated it, and my friends at work hated it). Mainly, I think it's because the plot, the people, and the dialogue were SO ridiculous and out of character from the SEVEN seasons we all watched and loved, I honestly don't know why they bothered to do it at all.
You know the old saying, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?
Given that this is such a mother-daughter show, and I watched this whole series several times with my own mom, we couldn't wait to binge our way through the seasons. But we knew we entered an alternate universe when Winter started without even one note from Carole King, and it was downhill from there.
Here's why we want NO more Gilmore:
MOM: Lorelai was very dull. She wasn't chipper. She didn't have any spunk. Her dialogue wasn't cute or funny. She was dull dull dull.
ME: She dressed like a grandma. She stopped talking fast. She was depressed. She's in therapy. With her MOM. She read a book instead of watching a movie. She went H-I-K-I-N-G. In nature! Who the eff is this woman?
MOM: OMG Rory, What a hopeful, beautiful, smart, young lady she was. She knew exactly what she wanted. She had her eye on being a journalist. What happened to that girl? She was a loser! She didn't have the joy. She couldn't do anything right. She wound up being pregnant! Just blew my mind.
ME: I get why she's trans-Atlantic friends with benefits with Logan. I might see how she went from following then president-elect Obama on the campaign trail to running the snoozy Stars Hollow Gazette. I can even live with the infamous "last four words" that brings the story full circle -- knocked up by Logan (her Christopher). I'm NOT on board that a girl with so much potential is basically a failure. But what really I can't abide by is how Rory Gilmore had a one night stand (her first!) with a Wookie from ComiCon. Unacceptable on a thousand levels.
MOM: I like the mother. She was right getting mad at Lorelai. But it was like she had a lobotomy! The husband dies and she's like a nomad. Wearing rag tag jeans. She quits the DAR? Nobody checks on her -- nobody bothered? It's like they didn't care about her any more since the father died.
ME: The JEANS! Were Emily's tweed Chanel suits burned in a fire? When did she start sleeping until noon? How did she go from firing each maid to letting their whole family squat in her house? Why is she living in Martha's Vineyard with the creepy dude from Twin Peaks? She works at a WHALE museum? She works?!?! Did she hit her head? Was Richard holding her captive for 50 years, and now she's letting her freak flag fly? I need answers.
MOM: They didn't give the father the respect he should have gotten. Especially with Lorelai, not even able to think of one wonderful memory and just made a joke out of a serious matter. Absolutely disgraceful.
ME: Shameful! She couldn't tell a single nice story about her dad, who she actually had a good relationship with when he was living, and who made it possible for her daughter to go to private school and an ivy league college? The pretzel story was too little, too late. A shitty ending. Richard and his bowties deserved more.
MOM: Luke's like a puppy dog. He always there. He's always loyal. And he's always getting used. At least he had some spunk in the first series. He stood up for himself and was a real man. Now he just serves her.
ME: He's always been a devoted doormat. He was even an afterthought in his own wedding scene! And they clearly ran out of budget on pricey cameos (I see you Peter Krause), so they had to pull Luke's wardrobe out of mothballs. I'll bet you a donut that hat never left his head because his hair most certainly did.
MOM: I thought that was ridiculous with Logan. He asks her to marry him and she says no, that's not her focus. Then you find out they're together on the sly while he's engaged to someone else? Trashy. That's not Rory.
ME: Oh, Logan. He is trouble! I have to say, though, I def see the appeal there. But he's got to ditch the Peter Pan clan and rich kid antics with the Life & Death Brigade. It's called growth, people! And did we all forget that he proposed to Rory, or did we wipe that memory clean because Amy Sherman Palladino didn't write it?
MOM: I love the men in Rory's life but it was like drive by shootings. They were there for a second -- especially Jess. I couldn't understand why they didn't spend more time. What was he doing with his life? What happened to him? I loved that character and he was there for 5 seconds.
ME: She hasn't seen him in years! Why is she so unfazed? Maybe she's been cyberstalking him and is trying to play it cool. Or maybe it's because they dated in real life and it didn't end so great. I'm going with the latter.
MOM: The other guy! Did he go to college? Did he get married again? He saw Rory for 2 minutes in a grocery store. What a disaster! Who wrote this? I loved this show! You had such a good feeling. It made you laugh. And cry. Some belly laughs even. It was a such good story. I guess you can't improve perfection.
ME: He bored me then and he bores me now. So nothing's changed here. Adios, macaroni hair!
MOM: Yes, that one makes sense. I like her now on How to Get Away with Murder.
ME: Yeah, she's intense. But how is she still hung up on Chad Michael Murray?! He didn't even show up. C'mon!
MOM: Lane had a dad?
ME: Where the eff has Mr. Kim been all this time? Never popped his head out of the antique shop. Missed her wedding and her babies, and when she dyed her hair purple? And she's still in Hep Alien? No. Just no.
MOM: The talk with her father went so fast. He FINALLY got his act together and is no longer a failure. It seemed like they haven't talked in a long time. He didn't want to talk to her mother at all? Who wrote this? Seems like an alien wrote this!
ME: This made me angry! Not a single scene with "Lor"? Oh, no you didn't. It's the final straw. I. Literally. Can't.
Now I'm all riled up again. Before we go, let's say something nice about the revival...
MOM: I can't say anything good about it. The anticipation of watching it was fun. But it was a letdown. That's it. The town is great -- I love the town. It was the hope. The same quaintness and light. But then it seemed like the people weren't the same. They have to grow but they were totally different.
So how do you rate it?
MOM: I give it a C. They made an effort. I just didn't agree with it.
ME: You're grading on a curve. I give it a ZERO. I want those 6 hours back!
SO what do YOU think? Do you agree? Do you smell snow? Write me a loveletter below...
tags: entertainment, family, pop culture, rants