Online Dating Decoded

In my 20s, meeting guys was SO much easier. Put on a cute outfit and some lip gloss, then head to a bar with the girls (my friends, that is, not my boobs, although they always came too).

Nowadays, only cougars hang out in bars. Nice girls go online, or so I was told.

So I went online. And in three months, across three different sites, I’ve been matched with literally thousands of guys (2,618 to be exact).

Pretty good odds, no? I mean, if I ever achieved those numbers in a bar, I’d undoubtedly be a raging alcoholic (with a raging STD). On the surface, these odds SEEM great, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that in the world of online dating, nothing can be taken at face value.

Why? Because everybody lies. Except for me (actually, that's a lie). So I’ve created this handy dandy decoder to get to the bottom of things.

You can thank me later…

HIS PHOTOS:
Landscape/travel lead photo = My looks are not my strong suit so I want you to think I’m interesting
Photo with a bunch of guys in it = I'm hoping to confuse you with my better looking friends
Photo with a girl = This is the prettiest girl I know who won’t sleep with me
Photo with a girl cut off or blurred out = This is my ex, you will be compared to her
No photo at all = I’m married or otherwise taken and need to remain incognito
Wearing a baseball hat in all photos = I’m bald
Standing in front of a car = I have a teenie weenie

HIS GENERAL PROFILE:
Typos and bad grammar = I have stains on all my clothes
Social smoker = I smoke regularly and kissing me will be like licking an ashtray
Live with roommates = I live with roommates (and they will watch you pee)

HIS EDUCATION LEVEL:Some college = I have commitment issues
College grad = I can hold my own in beer pong
Ivy league graduate = I’ll never let you forget I’m smarter than you
Graduate degree = I’m still paying off loans

HIS EMPLOYMENT:Self-employed = I’m unemployed
Financial Services = I heard if I say that, girls will sleep with me
Poet = I once wrote a girl’s name on a bathroom stall
Income, I’ll tell you later = I want you to think I’m rich

HIS APPEARANCE:
Athletic = I have a gym membership and watch sports on TV
Physically fit = I will spend more time in front of the mirror than you do
Average = The average American is overweight, and so am I
Heavyset = I sweat in a snowstorm
Huggable = I have more body hair than a buffalo
5’11 and under = My height when I spike my hair and wear my “tall shoes”

HIS PERSONALITY:
Family man = I live with my mom
I don’t play games = I play games
Sensitive = I cry myself to sleep at night
Young at heart = I could be your dad
Emotionally stable = I am medicated
Outgoing = I will regularly embarrass you
Open-minded = I may have a felony on my record
Non-conformist = I have piercings in uncomfortable places

HIS HOBBIES:I am a huge [insert sports team] fan = I am a face-painter
I love the outdoors = I don’t wear deodorant
I like to cook = I haven’t been in a relationship in this decade
I prefer the simple things in life = I’m unemployed

HE'S LOOKING FOR:No drama please = I drove my last girlfriend crazy
Friendship = Um, no I’m not
A soul mate = You will need a restraining order when we break up


So that’s it! I’m sure women lie tons too, but all I can say there is good luck, because with all the makeup and hair dye and Spanx we’re MUCH better at the “illusion” than guys are.