I'm a Barbie Girl

You've really been living under a rock if you haven't heard: This hot-girl summer belongs to Barbie. 

For nearly 65 years, the planet has been obsessed with a blond-haired, blue-eyed, 12-inch-tall hunk of plastic. 

Her name? Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Love her or loathe her, Mattel and Warner Bros have put on a Master Class in marketing for the movie, with a dizzying 100+ brand partnerships in place before one fuchsia frame ever hit the big screen.

It is literally impossible to avoid catching Barbie Fever. 

From Progressive insuring her Dream House and AirBnB renting the real thing, to Gap selling matching Barbie clothes for you and your doll and Google exploding in fireworks for Barbie searches, the whole world's gone positively pink.

And I'm hooked!

The best marketing is rooted in emotion -- who among us couldn't use a hearty dose of nostalgia? A taste of a sweeter and simpler time. She's like a tiny toy time machine, transporting us to a cotton candy world swirling with happiness and fun. 

It's the ultimate escape. 

After all, Barbie Pink isn't just a color. It's a feeling. Like Tiffany Blue.

Why is life in plastic so fantastic? Well, maybe in an increasingly gender-neutral society, the Barbiecore trend gives everyone permission to unapologetically embrace all things girly.

And me? I LOVED her. 

Still do. Check out all this stuff I'm getting for my birthday -- I'm 50, not 5 -- yet the highlight is the original 1977 Barbie that started it all when I was just 4 years old.  Even at that young age, I knew Babs was special.  

This wasn't a babydoll to feed and diaper. This was a grownup! So I dressed her in sequins and feathers because MY girl was going samba over to Studio54.

Over the years, Barbie's caught a lot of flack for creating unattainable beauty standards. And sure, with anatomically impossible measurements of 39-21-33, her original rib cage couldn't fit all her organs. 

But who needs a pancreas anyway? 

Here's one thing I do know: Barbie is meant to be FUN! Remember fun?

Barbie can be ANYTHING. A pinup girl and an astronaut. A cowgirl and a scuba diver. An aerobics instructor and a train conductor. A rock star and a vet. 

Isn't that the point of make-believe?

To me, that's still pretty inspiring.  

So, I'll be the girl in the pink Corvette, driving off into the sunset. I hear Ken's waiting back in Malibu at the mansion with a couple of frozen margs...

#TeamJen

So, it turns out this here blog turned EIGHT last month, and I didn't post about it.

Sure, I thought about it.  But that doesn't count.

I didn't make the time to mark the occasion because work's been super hectic, and I've been traveling a ton, and the dog ate my homework, and blah, blah, blah.

Since I was in LA for my birthday, I discovered that Snapchat filters can make anyone look cuter and younger than they actually are (see: Bambi).  I went viral on Twitter.  I also went to FL (twice), plus Chicago, and Austin for the first time, which was pretty cool.  I'd been to Dallas and Houston and San Antonio before but never Austin.

It's like the Brooklyn of Texas.

I could almost see myself living there.  I mean, I enjoy their BBQ brisket, and their state pride, and their tall, handsome men who still hold doors and say "bless you" when you sneeze.  I can even handle the accent (sort of).  But they can keep their goofy hats.

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling pretty introspective lately.  Taking stock of where I'm at and what I'm missing.  So before I take a look back at the past year, I'm going to make a commitment -- in public -- so I can't take it back.

From now on, first and foremost, I'm going to be #TeamJen.

For most of my life, I've put off things I wanted to do for myself.  Okaaaay, I can already hear you laughing.

I'm the world's most comfortable martyr.

Yes.  I treat myself all the time.  And have a $1,000 handbag, an apt overlooking the NYC skyline, and a shiny black BMW to prove it.  #SorryNotSorry.  I work HARD for the money!

But there's a difference between being comfortable and being content.  I always let life and work get in the way of things that might actually make me happy. And hellooooo, what the heck am I waiting for?  Till I feel like my old self?  Truth is, I may never be that girl again.

And I'm 43 for eff's sake -- ticktock, ticktock!

So, over the next few months, I'm going to try and work a little less and live a little more.  We'll see where that leads... but I hope you'll come along for the ride.

Now, as I've done in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015, let's take a look back at the last year...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
286

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
0.9 (down from 1.2 last year -- UGH... I suck)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
402 (up from 355 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
2,705 (up from 2,213 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Facelift (July 2010)
The Great Pop Tart Pop Off (October 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
The Loveseat Potato Fries Up Fall TV, 2015 Style
Farewell, Crawleys
Tales From Uber

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Dear Stores That Close on Thanksgiving
Put Me In, Coach

Most Comments:
Which Christmas Cookie Are You?

Most Popular Poll:
Grease Is the Word (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Next on deck will be the Loveseat Potato's annual review of Fall TV shows (maybe this year she'll actually choose some winners!), and a post on my all-time favorite bands.

In the meantime, snack on this -- it's my favorite commercial right now.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: commercials, holidays, travel, writing

Dear Stores That Close on Thanksgiving,

We all have 80 bazillion Black Friday emails clogging up our inboxes. It's now an official holiday, so named for the day companies go "in the black" and start turning a profit for the year.

To make the most of it, stores once opened at 6am. Then, midnight. A few years ago Walmart upped the ante and said, "Pie is for jerks! WE open the night before!"

And now, that's become the norm.

Let's call it Gray Thursday.

So, today, instead of sitting down to turkey with the fam, lunatics will camp out in parking lots so they can stampede through store doors in desperate search of deals. And stores will staff up to handle the mobs they create.

Old Navy is even giving A MILLION DOLLARS to someone standing on line today when they open at 4pm.

On Thanksgiving.

This is abysmal.

There is one retail trend I actually like. This year, I see lots of stores advertising that they AREN'T open today.  That's as refreshing as the Alka Seltzer you'll surely need after you eat your weight in Stove Top.

I've gotten emails from DSW (see above), Crate & Barrel and Sur la Table all saying, "See you Friday. On Thursday, we feast!"  I've seen commercials for HomeGoods/TJ Maxx/Marshalls with a great message: Bring Back the Holidays.

If I was remotely outdoorsy, I also would have heard from REI.  They have decided they're closed on FRIDAY TOO so people can #optoutside and trade florescent lights and cash registers for sunshine and streams. Or something like that.

And why not?!

After all, there's a little thing called the Internet, which makes it possible to sit at your dining room table and shop in your underwear while gnawing on a turkey leg if that's what your greasy little heart desires.

Seriously, though, who needs to stand in line to elbow grannies out of the way for a "doorbuster" deal on a $5 crockpot, or clothesline a dude to save 80% on a super humongous big screen HDTV from a brand you've never heard?

I love a good sale as much as the next gal, but why would a retailer want me in their store, anyway?

In store I only buy what I can carry. Online, it's what the UPS and FedEx guys can carry. And that's limitless. Well, okaaay, maybe there are SOME limits...

But that's between me and my boyfriend, Amex.

Cyber Monday doesn't even make sense to me anymore.  It all started on a weekday because they thought people's internet connections were faster at work than at home. That's not true anymore. Plus, these deals run all month long. There will ALWAYS be another sale. And they'll keep on running thru Christmas. Until New Years.

We all get whipped up in these artificial demand frenzies. Because let's face it: Retailers are just scared of Amazon.

And they should be.

You might say these stores that can afford to close on Thanksgiving do so because they were never in the game to begin with.  On Black Friday, electronics, clothes, and toys take the cake (and the pumpkin pie).  Last time I checked, these guys sell shoes, and housewares, and canoes. Or whatever REI sells.

But I don't care.

I plan to go online this holiday weekend and throw an extra (wish)bone to the stores that are closed today.  Because they have their wallets AND their hearts in the right place.

Happy Turkey Day to you and yours.  May you eat your taters at a table and not on a line outside Target.

Gobble, gobble!


tags: commercials, holidays, rants

Super Bowl Ad Showdown

It's been a while, huh?  Happy 2015!

Sorry I haven't blogged in ages.  I've been busy practicing urban bee-keeping.

Who am I kidding?  I can't even keep a plant alive.  (No, seriously, my aunt gave me a ficus a few weeks ago and already it's on death's door.)

What I've really been busy doing is working.  And watching TV.  And working.

Well, as luck would have it, the Super Bowl is where my love of work and TV collide.  I guess the game was exciting, but as always, I'm in it for the commercials.  And the snacks.

Most brands release their commercials in advance, so on the Friday before the game, we gathered with a great bunch of teenage girls around a Snackadium and asked them to watch a few ads for the way women were depicted in them.  But little did we know this would be the year of the Super Sentimental Bowl.  Paying for hamburgers with hugs?  Check.  Crying dads in cars?  Check.  Cat's in the Cradle?  Check.  Puppies?  Of course!

I didn't know whether to throw a flag or a hankie.  None of those made my list.

Here are my faves from SB49:

Funniest Commercial: "Very Brady" by Snickers



Sexiest Commercial: "Little Blue Pill" by Fiat



Best Use of Celebrities: "Invisible Mindy" by Nationwide



Best Commercial I've Seen Before: "#LikeaGirl" by Always



 Best Commercial That Never Aired: "Angels Play Football" by Victoria's Secret



Most Depressing Commercial Ever In the History of Advertising: "Make Safe Happen" by Nationwide



Best Video of Teens Reviewing Commercials (because I made it)



Agree?  Disagree?  Are you still reading?  Tell me all about it below...


tags: commercials, holidays, sports, work

Gobble Gobble

For some people, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without that gloopy green bean casserole (it's kinda a vegetable).  For others, it's cranberry sauce fresh from a can (the ridges lock in the flavor!). 

For me, it's Stove Top Stuffing.  Classic chicken style.  Nothing else comes close. 

Well, just when I thought nobody could love a box of croutons and secret spices as much as I do, this little gem comes along:





Gobble, gobble, friends.

Serve up a dish YOU can't live without in the comments below.  And Happy Thanksgiving!


tags: holidays, food, commercials

I Am Not a Wen Girl

I hate being pampered.

There, I said it.

I know.  People looove that stuff.  Probably you do, too! 

YOU are normal.  But I just say no to manicures, pedicures, massages, facials, scrubs, mud baths, waxes, and spray tans.  Don't get me wrong -- I don't roam the Earth looking all raggedy.  I just handle this stuff on my own because being touched by strangers totally stresses me out. 

The ONLY salon treatment I love?  Getting my hair washed. 

Oh, I could sit in that awkward position, staring at the ceiling for hours!  I ignore the wet black towel draped around my neck.  I don't care if they get soap in my ears.  I laugh when they splash me in the eye.  I don't even flinch when the water is too cold or too hot. 

Just scrub-a-dub-dub.

Since I'm not in the salon very often, I try to recreate a hair washing oasis in my own shower.  To this end, I keep a variety of shampoos, conditioners, and 2-in-1s in stock. 

When I saw a late-nite infomercial for Wen, the revolutionary cleansing conditioner by celebrity stylist, Chaz Dean, I was immediately intrigued.  Do I know that dude?  No!  But I'm helpless to resist a good infomercial.  Seriously.  With each flip of Alyssa Milano's bouncy, shiny hair, mine felt more dry, frizzy, and dull.  This 80s teen queen/Wen Girl wouldn't steer me wrong.

They said it works on the first try!  Just one magical bottle was supposed to replace my shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, detangler, and leave-in conditioner. 

I don't even use half that crap, but who cares?  Was Wen ("new" spelled backwards) the secret to great hair?

I had to find out.

I went directly to their website to order, but it was a recurring charge -- a bottle every 60 days -- like a DVD club for your head.  What if I didn't like it? I am lazy about managing my finances, no doubt I'd have spent $250 on a gallon of the stuff before I ever got around to stopping it.  I know my limits.  That was not for me. 

Then I saw Sephora sold individual kits.  Yet another reason I love that store... 

It arrived a few days later and I was super excited to unlock some gorgeous hair.  I waited for a weekend so I could spend more time than I do on a typical weekday (which is about 7 minutes, including the time I spend washing it). 

I wet my hair thoroughly.  I took 10 pumps of this cleansing conditioner in my hands and rubbed them together.  I worked it deep into my hair, from root to tip.  I left it in for at least 5 minutes to really soak it in there.  Then I rinsed.  I even patted my hair dry to keep it smooth.  Finally, I blow-dried it with a round brush just like they do in the salon.

Now, I know you know what's coming...

I didn't like it. 

Here's why:

1) Bad Smell: I understand they came out with other scents like fig, lavender, and pomegranate, but I went with the original.  Sweet almond mint.  One of the things I love when I use a great shampoo is smelling it all day long as my hair bounces around.  This was a wave of menthol -- like a cough drop a grandpa would keep in his shirt pocket along with a hankie.  Nobody wants to be a Sucrets head.


2) No Lather: THIS IS THE BEST PART OF SHAMPOO!  This thing was like smearing pudding on my head.  Even the commercial got a little foam.  But for me?  No bubbles.  No froth.  Just a gunky lump.  I know it's called a cleansing conditioner, and not shampoo, but I really think they forgot the cleansing part.  Without the lather, you don't feel clean.


3) Limp Locks: I have pretty thick hair but somehow, using Wen made it stringy and kind of oily-looking.  Not the desired effect. 


In short: My hair looked better before. 


I guess it's been a rough year for my mane.  I don't know if it can stand any more experiments, so maybe I should just stick with shampoos I truly love: Frederick Fekkai Glossing, Neutrogena Anti-Residue, Organix Moroccan Oil, Herbal Essences Hello Hydration 2-in-1, and Suave Naturals.

Unless YOU use something better?  (Shhh.  Don't tell my hair, but I'm all ears...)


tags: beauty, commercials, shopping

 

And Now, a Word From Our Sponsors...

There’s an 87% chance my DVR will explode tonight.

Good thing the sheer size of my cable package entitled me to a free upgrade for the super-capacity hard drive when I switched from truly horrendous Time Warner to seemingly better (but the jury’s still out) Verizon Fios.

This evening, I am recording no less than 11 shows – Jerseylicious (8-9pm, Style), The Amazing Race (8-9pm, CBS), The Good Wife (9-10pm, CBS), Celebrity Apprentice (9-11pm, NBC), GCB (10-11pm, ABC), Watch What Happens (11-11:30pm, Bravo), Mad Men (11pm-1am, AMC), Worst Cooks in America (12-1am, Food Network), Shameless (2-3am, Showtime West), House of Lies (3-3:30am, Showtime West), Californication (3:30-4am, Showtime West) – which amounts to nearly 12 hours of glorious television.

This is like a couch potato soufflé – one timeslot shift and the whole thing caves in.

Thankfully, cable re-airs the shit out their shows, or else this scheduling masterpiece would not be possible. You almost can’t imagine the same person could love both Jerseylicious and The Good Wife. But I do. And this is just my Sunday night lineup!

Honestly, though, I’m really only counting down to 1 show. Of course, I’m speaking of Mad Men.

You too?

It’s no secret I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the show, but it has been an excruciating 526 days since Mad Men season 4 ended (October 17, 2010, but who's counting?). At long last, Don Draper and the gang are back for more womanizing, boozing, and advertising.

Life at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is my favorite part of the show. I’m a sucker for a good ad. Even a bad one, on occasion. Since we last rode the elevator together, I’ve noticed a pattern in the suits from Madison Avenue: Truth in advertising. I can name 3 companies off the top of my head who have launched multi-million dollar national campaigns centered around telling the truth about their brand and their industry.

I’m officially calling it a trend.

I mean, if 2 is a coincidence, 3 has got to be a trend, right? Regardless, grab your secretary, pour yourself a Tom Collins, a Brandy Alexander, or an Old Fashioned (Don’s fave), and watch these spots:


DOMINOS
Cardboard crust. Processed cheese. Flavorless sauce. Only enjoyable if you’re drunk. Domino’s CEO Patrick Doyle faced these criticisms head-on, and set out to make a better pizza. Steering a 50-year-old company and its 9000+ franchisees in a different direction couldn’t have been an easy task. They looked at 10 crust types, 15 sauce recipes, and dozens of cheeses to reinvent the product. And they cooked up a better ordering process (it’s actually fun!). Then they spent millions on a brutally honest ad campaign, which publicized their formerly lousy pizza and offered money-back guarantees to anyone who didn’t taste the difference. And they posted new customer feedback on a 125-ft electronic billboard in Times Square. Oh no they didn't? Oh yes they did!




KOTEX
Blue liquid. White spandex pants. Twirling in slow motion. Riding horses on the beach. Feminine hygiene product ads made periods seem SUPER fun. Somehow, erectile disfunction commercials could show an old geezer in the bedroom, but these girls had to be ANYWHERE but in the bathroom. So Kimberly Clark took the tampon by the string with their 90 year-old Kotex brand and turned the spotlight on themselves. They used their own old commercial footage to illustrate how silly the industry had become about monthly goings on “down there.” They changed packaging from sterile white to chic black. And in the process, they showed young girls that the only embarrassing thing about this topic was its advertising. Still think periods are all kittens and cartwheels? Get real!




JCPENNEY
Artificially inflated prices. Confusing markdowns. Massive exclusions. Retail industry pricing strategies were the enemy here. JCPenney’s CEO Ron Johnson (formerly of Apple) decided to stop the madness. This company was spending over $1B a year in promoting their sales (almost 600 per year). They looked at what they were charging, and what customers most often paid after juggling discounts. Turns out, only 1 in 500 items sold for full price. So he re-priced everything. And then he did away with complex return policies.  Did I mention he only joined the company in November? On February 1st, with a new logo (reminiscent of the American flag) and Ellen DeGeneres, the concept of “fair and square pricing” was introduced to this 110 year-old company. A breath of fresh air, indeed. Enough is enough!





These 3 brands existed in the Mad Men-era. And I’m guessing that’s also when the stereotypes they’re now fighting were invented.  I'm sure they worked at the time.  As Don Draper would say, “Trust me, I work in advertising.”

(As an aside, the current issue of Newsweek is a real treat -- right down to the ads)

Now, if you can stomach just one more teensy-weensy commercial before the show, I'll end with my most favorite ad airing right now.  It looks at truth from a different angle.  And truth be told, I don’t drink coffee, but I really would like 3 cups of Johan…






So, can there be truth in advertising? And what's YOUR favorite Mad Men moment? The womanizing, the boozing, or the advertising? Put your cocktail down and comment below!


tags: commercials, entertainment

Monday Evening Quarterback

Wait.  Was there a game on last night?!? 

Well, somebody better call Ripley, because I cannot believe this shit.

111.3MM viewers tuned to NBC as the Giants and the Pats battled it out in Super Bowl XLVI, making this the most-watched event ever. Again.

I read someplace last week that the average person planned to spend $65 on drinks, snacks and gear to get in the spirit. I’m pretty sure I spent that on cannolis alone. But that’s nothing compared to the ads.

In total, 70 commercials aired at the bargain price of $3.5MM per :30 spot. That's $116,666.67 per second.

(Recession?  What recession?  Let's sell Doritos.)

We ALL know I’m not remotely qualified to discuss ANY of the game. Not a single play. Even though I watched the whole thing -- from coin toss to confetti drop -- on the edge of my seat, in my Eli Manning long-sleeved t-shirt (because it was too chilly for my Phil Simms short-sleeved t-shirt). 

My sparkly blue nail polish probably sealed my fate. 

What I CAN do, as a self-appointed TV MVP, is judge the commercials. If I was giving out trophies, hands-down the automotive industry drove off with the best ads this year.

Tons of pre-game fanfare with Ferris and Honda. Acura had Seinfeld, Leno, and the Soup Nazi. Volkswagen gave a dog a workout, and then inexplicably tossed Darth Vader in the mix. Audi slayed a ton of vampires with its daytime headlights (nevermind Edward drives a Volvo, and this concept is about 2 years too stale). And Chrysler gave us Halftime in America with leathery cheerleader, Clint Eastwood. He was inspiring (and vaguely Reagan-esque).

Then there was Chevy.

While their Sonic ad left me wanting hamburgers and chili cheese tater tots far more than I wanted this weird little stunt car, I did laugh as their “happy grad” thought he got the best gift ever -- a bright yellow Camaro.

But the Silverado Mayan apocalypse was my favorite of ALL the ads I saw (when I wasn’t too busy snacking or yapping). 

Only Chevys, Twinkies, and Barry Manilow will survive:




On the flip side, my least favorite commercial had to be for Pepsi. Elton John dressed like a chubby, bedazzled king and some X-Factor chick nobody knows?

Well, that sounds like a bulletproof plan to sell soda:



What a fall from the sugar-high set by the galaxy of musical stars that have sold Pepsi products over the years!


Ugh. I can’t end on that note. It’s too lame. Let’s all pretend that we just got a bright yellow Camaro:





Ah, that's better.

Which ads stood out to YOU?  Channel your inner Don Draper and list your fave spots below...


tags: commercials, sports

Hot Mess

I’m not saying it was hot today or anything, but I think a pigeon spontaneously combusted outside my window.

I saw a ton of pics on Facebook with the temperature on people's phones and in their cars.  It was 103, after all.  So you may wonder why you’re looking at a medicine cabinet? Well, for starters, it’s MY medicine cabinet.

You may also wonder why it’s jam-packed with 10 deodorants? That’s because I think I might smell. I don’t believe I stink or reek (yet). But I’m pretty certain I smell. I mean, who can possibly stay fresh in this heat?

I have become a Crazy Deodorant Lady.

I'm obsessed. The human underarm is like a Petri dish. It’s loaded with bacteria. Sure, I’ve tried your typical girlie deodorants. Secret, Dove, Ban, Degree, Lady Speed Stick.

Child’s play.

So I upgraded to clinical strength – the kind you practically need a prescription to buy.

Sniff, sniiiiiff.  Nope. Still smelly.

How could this BE? I shave and shower! Daily! Since when is that not enough?

(Side note: While I'm oversharing, I should also mention I have sensitive pits. I once tried Tom’s all-natural deodorant, which had an apricot flair and was supposed to be gentle. And it was. So gentle, in fact, that I would have had similar success rubbing an actual apricot under my arms. Turns out aluminum is a pretty important ingredient. Won't make THAT mistake again.)

So, back to the medicine cabinet. 

You might also be wondering why I have Degree man deodorant in there? It's because I believe I have found the solution to my problem. See the cap? That’s Bear Grylls’ mug on there – he's the Man vs Wild guy on the Discovery Channel. That dude’s climbed Everest, eaten snakes, wrestled alligators, drank urine, given himself a guano enema AND used the corpse of a dead sheep for a sleeping bag.

If it’s good enough for THAT guy, it should be able to handle my 20 minute walk to work.

Let’s pray it does the trick. If not, I will have no other choice but to resort to this… (and you know how I love infomercials -- no, really, I do -- I'm helpless to resist):





I'm particularly horrified by "Lanny F." and his "odors in special places."

So, is this TMI about BO? Do YOU have any secrets for smelling sweet in this heat?  Don't make me sweat it out.

Share below...


tags: commercials, gross, health

But Wait... There's More

As I was saying before I was distracted by public urination, when I was in Florida I watched a good amount of late night infomercials. It seems EVERY 80s supermodel has been busy in the lab formulating their own face creams and/or exercise equipment and/or hair products. And every popstar is plagued with acne.

But you cannot avoid the omni-present Snuggie.

I couldn’t help but notice this blanket cult is now singlehandedly trying to resurrect the Macarena. I hated that song when I was in Mexico on spring break in 1995, and I don’t like it any better now with the words changed up. Heeey get a Snuggie!

Get out of my head.

In their quest for world domination, they will not rest until we are all roaming the earth in these flimsy backwards robes. Do yourself a favor and look away when the commercial comes on, or you too will be sucked into their vortex. Heeeeeeeey get a Snuggie!

You never know what brilliant discovery you’ll find on TV. Recall the time I bought a ham at 2am? In the cavernous void left by bearded Billy Mays, several new pitchmen have arisen and joined the mission to separate me from my hard-earned dollars.

Damn them and their persuasiveness!

Here are my current television temptations:

TV Hat: How do I not own this? Let me thank the guy (and yes, I said guy -- one glance and you know this goofy facemask was NOT designed by a woman) who Gorilla-glued a plastic pouch to the brim of a rather large hat so I could slip my “digital MP3 player” in and feel like I’m inside my own hands-free personal theater. The “privacy shade” does makes your face look like it’s stuck in a shoebox, so it’s not for the claustrophobic. But they must be popular because they are all sold out of the color “Camo.” I guess I won’t be blending in with the wildlife while I watch Gossip Girl in the woods. Let’s just hope it gets better reception than my radio underpants.

Heel Tastic: In watching this one, I learned that some people actually need to groom their feet with a belt-sander. That’s rough! Now, my feet are not so crusty and jagged that they pop balloons or tear holes through nylons, but I’m fascinated by this soothing roll-on balm. They attribute the baby-softness to “natural Neem and Karanja oils.” A quick googling tells me Neem is a vegetable oil that smells strongly of peanuts and garlic. So, really, who’s to say if your feet are smooth or rough? They will stink so no one will want to go near them. Because feet are gross. Evil genius.

Blo & Go: How did they know I’ve been struggling with my blow-dryer? My arms get SO tired. I often think, my hair would look amazing if only I had another set of hands. OR a wall-mounted suction cup from which to hang my dryer! That would be like getting a salon-quality blowout right in my own bathroom. Well, my prayers have been answered. And no worries about it crashing to the floor from the sheer force of the blow, because this gadget comes with a sleek black bungee cord to keep that sucker sturdy. They’ve literally thought of everything. I’m going to look awesome.

Pasta Boat: I remember making lasagna once and shouting an f-bomb for every slimy noodle I fished out of a boiling pot of water. True story.  They were so freaking hot. Now, if I’d only had one of these babies, I could have microwaved, drained and served dinner in minutes AND not have frightened the neighbors! Chubby Cathy Mitchell makes it look so easy. Who needs my Italian mom’s recipes? Can you say free full-color recipe booklet? Plus, if I order now, she’ll cut the price in half. Kathy’s good like that. But wait… there’s more! She’ll DOUBLE my order AND throw in a bonus food chopper. It’s an offer I simply cannot refuse.


Even when I’m not sleep-deprived, I think it would be fun to own the 4 products above. But you totally have my permission to steal my wallet, drop it in a bucket of water, and stick it in the deep-freeze it if ever order the Chillow, Spray-on Nylons, or the Butler Toilet.

Friends don't let friends buy random useless crap alone.  Have YOU ever ordered anything you saw on TV?


tags: commercials, pop culture, shopping

I Love Singing Fish

So I was watching The Bachelorette the other night. (Don't judge, its been a rough summer.)

I'm enjoying the fact that sweaty, awkward, insecure Frank took himself out of the competition (good luck with THAT guy, Nicole). I'm realizing I have almost no opinion on Roberto at all, except that he's not repulsive like at least one guy in the Final Two invariably is.

And I'm really hoping Ali DOESN'T choose Chris in the end because he is adorable and I don't want to watch them break up as Jake & Vienna have. And Jillian & Ed. And Jason & Melissa. And DeAnna & Jesse. Matt & Shayne... Brad & Nobody... Andrew & Tessa... Lorenzo & Jennifer... Travis & Sarah... Jen & Nobody... Charlie & Sarah... Byron & Mary... Meredith & Ian... Jesse & Jessica... Bob & Estrella... Andrew & Jen... Aaron & Brooke... and the Bachelor Failed Couple who started it all, Alex Michel & Amanda (remember that creepy bastard? YIKES.)

Anyway, about 15 minutes before Roberto & Chris were put out of their misery by a rose which signifies they will live to date the same girl another day, a Lipton Iced Tea commercial came on. Now, I really can't recall any noteworthy Lipton commercials since David "This Aint No Sippin' Tea" Carradine went all 3 Stooges on some street thugs.

But this is one for the books.

Clearly borrowing their inspiration from McDonalds ode to the Filet-O-Fish, Lipton ups the ante. "Yeah, Golden Artery Cloggers? I'll SEE your catchy jingle and singing bigmouth bass, and I'll RAISE you a chorus of crustaceons and a smiling fish with a lemon wedged in his mouth. Stick THAT in your Big Mac!"

I know commercials make some folks crabby. But I love 'em. And I could watch this one all day. I'm particularly amused by the fact that this parched woman is largely unfazed by the singing fish with the human mouth that's emerged from her purse. What's better, I actually remember what product he's promoting. AND it makes me think I want a cool, refreshing iced tea. With my... chicken.

Reel me in, Lipton. I'm hooked.

I think Madison Ave is finally catching on to what the folks at As Seen On TV have known for years. There's really nothing funnier than a singing fish.

See what I mean below:


Now tell me you didn't love that?!

Creepy Commercials

As you know, I just cleared out my DVR.

When I’m watching TV, like most people, I zip right through the commercials. (Even though I kinda love them.) But there are 2 that stop me in my tracks, mainly because they creep me OUT.

The first is for Tabasco and it involves singing pepperonis. Have you seen this? It is the stuff of nightmares! Now I can’t even LOOK at a pizza without expecting it to burst out in barbershop quartet-esque song. Let alone EAT one. Thanks, jerky Tabasco!




The second is for DirectTV and it involves an updated scene from Tommy Boy with David Spade and Chris Farley, who just so happens to be dead. And this isn’t the first time they used someone who died tragically in a commercial (hello little girl from Poltergeist). Super classy!




What do YOU think? Watch the commercials above, and then vote below:

poll by twiigs.com

Like a Rock

Have you ever been inspired by a car commercial?

I was watching TV last nite (surprise, surprise), and I got stopped in my tracks by the new commercial GM is running. First I watched it live, then I watched it again.

It was SO inspiring it made me want to run out, buy a red pickup truck, wave a cowboy hat up in the air, and eat a hot dog.

Haven’t seen it yet? You need to. From sea to shining sea, over moving photos of losses (a defeated hockey player pounding on the ice, the desolate streets of Detroit) and victories (a 1-legged runner in a marathon, a sprout of grass growing from the dirt), is a voice...

First, he lays it on the line: “Let’s be completely honest. No company wants to go through this.” Referring, of course to GM’s declaration of bankruptcy. He says the days of having 8 car brands are gone, and promises a bright future where "leaner, greener, faster, smarter" models run on new technologies like fuel cells (see, monster trucks ARE good for the earth!). “Reinvention is the only way we can fix this,” he boldly declares, “and fix it we WILL.”

Then, he hits it out of the fruited plain, “This is not about going OUT of business. This is about getting DOWN to business. Because the ONLY chapter we’re focused on... is chapter one.”

Wow. I think by that point, I stood up and saluted the TV.

I don’t own a car anymore now that I’m a city slicker (sniff, sniff). When I did, GM was not even on my radar. I was all about the imports -- Volkswagen, Nissan, and BMW. So that’s some pretty powerful advertising. What’s even more impressive to me is that GM only announced this news, like, 2 weeks ago, and they already have an ad campaign addressing it head-on. It also stands to reason that with all the people they owe millions (billions?) of dollars to, their ad agency's hand is most certainly outstretched. And yet, they still delivered. Big time.

This can-do spot gives me hope that maybe the worst of this slump is behind us. And we can ALL get down to business again. That’s good marketing.

But what do I know? I thought Adam Lambert would win American Idol.

Watch the full commercial below:

Gimme Back That Filet-O-Fish

Big Mouth Billy Bass is like the Pied Piper of Lent.

Somehow, I’ve gone 35 years without ever eating McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish. But this commercial makes me want to eat a million of them.

So I did.

Ok, not a million, exactly. Just one. Which was enough, really (they aren’t very good). It was like a tartar sauce sandwich, because the bun, fish, and cheese were totally tasteless. I was also slightly disturbed by how unnaturally square it is.

But the commercial? Oh, that commercial makes me forget the crappy taste and makes me want to rush out to get another. And another.

Gimme back that Filet-O-Fish.
Gimme that fish.
Gimme back that Filet-O-Fish.
Gimme that fish.
What if it were you,
hanging up on this wall?
If it were you in that sandwich,
you wouldn’t be laughing at all!
Ooooo!

The best part is I don’t even understand what he’s saying!

Is it kitschy (a singing fish in a wood-paneled garage!)? Is it existentialism (what if I WAS in that sandwich?)? Is it a cautionary tale (who's the dude with the drill?)? Is it religious (he is nailed to a plank of wood, after all!)? I don’t know, but it’s their catchiest jingle since, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.”

I may have to make it my ringtone. Just don't expect me to answer your call because I'll be too busy rockin' out to sweet, sweet music.



PS: Honorable mention goes to Denny’s “Nannerpuss” and Boost Mobile’s “Bicycle” -- two commercials I also really love (though, they don’t inspire me to actually do anything but laugh).

As Seen on TV

Did I ever tell you about the time I bought a ham at 2am?

I saw it on TV, late one night, a few weeks before Easter. It was the most delicious-looking spiral-sliced hunk’o’heaven I’d ever seen. It was like meat porn, courtesy of the Honey Baked Ham Company. Before I could say oink, I was calling their toll-free number, wallet in hand -- while the “Operator Standing By” sweet-talked me into adding biscuits to my order.

My point is, I am a consumer at heart -- always have been. Maybe that’s why I’m in marketing. I’m a sucker for a good ad. And sometimes a bad one. I mean, who buys TV hams at 2am?! But knowing me, as you do, you will not be surprised to hear that when my unbridled consumerism meets my television obsession, the result is a truly explosive combination.

The “As Seen on TV” phenomenon probably started with The Clapper. Now, I never bought a Clapper (probably because I was, like, 12), but don’t think for a second that I wasn’t tempted! And while some products are just plain weird -- like that plastic case that helps you clean your baseball caps in the dishwasher -- others seem worth every penny, plus S+H.

So beware burly UPS guy -- here’s a few irresistible items that you just might be bringing to my door...

The Slap Chop: “Stop having boring tuna,” enthusiastic pitchman, Vince, shouts. “Stop having a boring life!” Oh Vince, you know me so well. This is basically a low-tech Magic Bullet, so you can still eat when the power goes out. But who doesn’t dream of chopping nuts in a slap? I want to make salsa with one finger. And for me, “Graty,” the sidekick cheese grater, just seals the deal.

The Big City Slider Station: Billy Mays, of the Oxi-Clean fame, is the slick salesman behind the Slider Station. You can scoop and smash your way to 5 mini burgers cooked at once, without all that pesky flipping (which, incidentally, is made to look SO difficult, it’s a wonder every burger ever made didn’t first fall on the floor). Bottom line: Small foods make you feel like a giant and are fun to eat.

The Snuggie (or its more expensive cousin, The Slanket): It’s a blanket with sleeves! Or… a backwards robe. But I AM always cold. And it IS difficult to read a book when my hands are “trapped inside” an ordinary blanket. You just have to be careful what color you choose. Maroon makes you look like a monk, blue like a wizard.

Smooth Away: I’m not sure why anyone would want to remove all the hair on their arms (better to let sleeping dogs lie). But as someone who once bought the feminine torture device known as the Epilady, and watched in horror as its metal coils ripped out every other hair on my leg, buffing away unwanted hair with superfine crystals sounds pretty benign. My only question is, do you get a rash from all the rubbing?

ShamWow! : Do I really waste $20 a month on paper towels? If Vince says so, it must be true. He also says this cottony little rag holds 20x its weight in liquid. And I get eight of them! That last for 10 years! So not only can I spill an entire 2-liter bottle of soda on my rug, I’m also helping save the Earth. Sounds awe-sham.

Now I’m not great at the whole self-control thing. So if I ever order the unbelievably ugly Buxton Organizer or the Shuffles Shoe Mop (“Clean while you walk!”, says friendly Englishman, Anthony Sullivan), please confiscate all my credit cards. Checkbook too, just to be safe.

Have bearded Billy Mays and his cohorts ever wooed you? Do tell below!