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Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts

2/14/2019

To My Future Boyfriend

Everyone in my company got a red rose today, which was SUCH a sweet gesture.

As I was chopping my longstem rose down to put it in water (aka my makeshift Coke cup vase), something occurred to me: It's been a while since I've gotten flowers on V-Day.

Like, a long while.

I'm sure that has NOTHING to do with my superficial dating criteria that you be over 6ft tall and have dark eyes and hair (on your head).

Or, the fact that I almost never go on dates anymore.

But I am thinking about it. For reals.

And when I do meet the right guy (aka YOU), here are ten things you should know...

  1. I'm very independent.  Some say too independent.  So the fact is, I'll rarely need your help and I probably won't ever ask for it. Unless I need to open a jar.  Then, I promise I'll come knocking.  I mean, the salsa doesn't serve itself!
  2. I may not like to get help, but I LOVE to give it.  I am a fixer, so I'll want to do nice things for you and help you solve your problems. Just let me do it and pretend to take my advice.  It comes from a good place.  
  3. I won't ask you to buy me expensive things.  I buy those myself.  In fact, I think we should share most expenses.  Except our first date.  That's on you.
  4. I'm an affectionate person, but I probably won't kiss you on our first date. When we do, I wholeheartedly believe in the 90/10 rule.
  5. I don't like an overly manscaped man.  I mean, we should both handle our own yardwork, but I'M supposed to be the one without any chest hair, not you.
  6. I appreciate the little things -- so open my doors, say "bless you" when I sneeze, and ask me to call or text when I get home.  It's not really about the manners (though I'm glad if you know the bread is on the left and the drink is on the right).  It's about the sentiment behind it that says you care. About me. Not Emily Post. Eff her.
  7. I'll do anything for my family and close friends, and generally put their needs above my own. So I'll understand if there are people in your life that you need to prioritize above us.  Same goes for work. After all, we need to pay for the amazing adventures we're about to have.
  8. I'm on friendly terms with all my exes but one, and I'm a super loyal open book. I won't give you any reason to question me. That should be mutual.  
  9. I don't believe in soulmates. They were invented by Hallmark and the government.  I DO believe that compatible people are put in our path and it's up to us to recognize them and grow together.
  10. My endgame isn't marriage. That doesn't mean I won't want to marry you.  I might.  But I might not.  Either way, YOU will definitely want to marry ME.  I'm a serious catch.

Did I mention you also need to think I'm funny?

Until we meet...

love,
jen

PS: While we're at it, I hope you aren't a baby talker, bad speller, sidewalk spitter or terrible tipper.

PPS: Also, I don't like grocery store assorted flower bunches. If you buy them, I will still love them because they came from you. But I will love them more if they are plain yellow roses without baby's breath, ferns or other gross fillers mucking it up. Grocery stores sell those too.  Just sayin.

PPPS: If we ever do meet and you read this, I will be mortified.  Unless you think it's cute, which will secretly make me love you even more.

8/28/2013

How the Hell Is John Stamos 50?

Am I the only person who sits through every Dannon Oikos commercial just to watch this guy?
 
He recently had a birthday, much like someone else I know.  Guess how old he is?
 
FIFTY!!!

How the hell is John Stamos 50?!?  I guess, the same way I'm 40...  Oy.

I was just 9 years old when brooding Blackie burst on the scene in Port Charles and I've been smitten ever since.  I seriously think I've watched every show he's been on -- even the bad ones (Jake in Progress, anyone?).  Now, I'm watching Necessary Roughness just because he joined the cast. 

The show?  So-so.  But Stamos?  Good as ever.

The closest I've ever come to this Greek (yogurt) God was about 10 years ago when my mom and I saw him on Broadway in Cabaret.  Even as the emaciated Emcee he was adorable.  Mischievous.  Charming.  AND, he took a sip from a glass of water on OUR table when he was mingling in the crowd. 

It was like our very own MasterCard commercial.  Priceless.

Anyway, I've always preferred older guys.  Here's my list of celebrity crushes, who coincidentally happen to be over 40.  They're listed in age order, with Stamos on top, because, well... you know...


John Stamos
Age: 50
Sign: Leo
From: California
Height: 6' (thank God!)
Status: single? (call me)
Best role: 2 words... Uncle. Jesse.
Close second: Dr. Tony Gates on ER. 
Stars are people too: he had a job flipping burgers after-school



Jon Hamm
Age: 42
Sign: Pisces
From: Missouri
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Dr. Drew Baird in 30 Rock
Close second: Don Draper in Mad Men
Stars are people too: he played Winnie the Pooh in a first-grade play



Jason Bateman
Age: 44
Sign: Capricorn
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Michael Bluth on Arrested Development
Close second: Derek Taylor on Silver Spoons
Stars are people too: he never graduated high school



Paul Rudd
Age: 44
Sign: Aries
From: New Jersey
Height: 5' 10"
Status: married
Best role: Mike Hannigan in Friends
Close second: Josh in Clueless
Stars are people too: he was a DJ at Bar Mitzvahs



Ed Burns
Age: 45
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Finbar McMullen in Brothers McMullen
Close second: Michael Murphy in Purple Violets
Stars are people too: he owned a Ford Explorer



John Cusack
Age: 47
Sign: Cancer
From: Illinois
Height: 6'2"
Status: single?
Best role: Rob Gordon in High Fidelity
Close second: Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead (thought I'd say Lloyd Dobler, huh?)
Stars are people too: he goes to his high school reunions


Kyle Chandler
Age: 47
Sign: Virgo
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Coach Eric Taylor in Friday Night Lights
Close second: nothing else comes close
Stars are people too: he worked as a nightclub bouncer



Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Age: 47
Sign: Taurus
From: Washington
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Denny Duquette in Gray's Anatomy
Close second: Ike Evans in Magic City
Stars are people too: he's a huge Seahawks fan



Robert Downey Jr.
Age: 48
Sign: Aries
From: New York
Height: 5'8"
Status: married (good thing, I could never date someone this short)
Best role: Larry Paul in Ally McBeal
Close second: Tony Stark in Iron Man
Stars are people too: he tattooed "Suzie Q" on his arm in honor of his wife



Dermot Mulroney
Age: 49
Sign: Scorpio
From: Virginia
Height: 5'9"
Status: married
Best role: Michael O'Neal in My Best Friend's Wedding
Close second: Russell in New Girl
Stars are people too: he graduated from Northwestern



John Slattery
Age: 51
Sign: Leo
From: Massachusetts
Height: 5'10"
Status: married
Best role: Roger Sterling in Mad Men
Close second: Bill Kelley in Sex & the City
Stars are people too: he was one of six kids






Also, honorary cradle-robbing mention goes to these 3 fine fellas:

Jimmy Fallon
Age: 38
Sign:Virgo
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Weekend Update Anchor in Saturday Night Live
Close second: Ben in Fever Pitch
Stars are people too: his first stand-up routine was about Troll Dolls



Bradley Cooper
Age: 38
Sign: Capricorn
From: Pennsylvania
Height: 6'1"
Status: single?
Best role: Will Tippin in Alias
Close second: Phil in The Hangover
Stars are people too: he is fluent in French



Jerry O'Connell
Age: 39
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'2"
Status: married
Best role: Vern Tessio in Stand By Me
Close second: Joe in Joe's Apartment
Stars are people too: he was an RA at NYU






Notice any patterns?   Yes.  Good thing I set the bar low, or I might be single forever. 

Oh, wait...

So, did I get it right with this list of dateable dudes (if only in my mind)?  See anyone I missed?  List YOUR full house below...


tags: dating, entertainment, pop culture

2/11/2013

All You Need Is... Cake

You didn't think I was going to say "love," did you? 

Silly.

Black Thursday is almost upon us, and I -- being perpetually dateless on this fine holiday -- thought I'd turn to my old friend.

Cake. 

Cake is better than a date for several reasons... 

First, you can box up your cake, stick it in the fridge and have it later -- folks frown on doing that to a date.  Second, cake doesn't judge you if you decide to eat the whole damn thing in one sitting -- dates definitely do.  Or so I hear.  Third, it's thoughtful when something is written on the face of a cake -- if something's written on the face of your date, he is very likely a serial killer.

In honor of this unholy day of love, I've collected my 14 (ok, 15) favorite cakes.

Eat your heart out:

Hmmm.  I guess "Enjoy Your Chlamydia!" isn't as classy.

Huge YOU?  I'll be the judge of that.

But I don't want to be a mime!  I'm far too chatty and white gloves creep me out.

 Well that's just embarrassing.  Somebody call Hallmark.  They've been spelling it wrong all these years.

When I want something sweet and cuddly to show my love, the first thing I think of is a smiley booger too.

Is it a Sumo wrestler?  An angry baby?  Danny DeVito?  Who can tell.  And for $5.00, who cares? 

Boobs.  Subtle.

Any way you slice it, that's a very tiny amount of love.  Hardly worth writing on a cookie cake, if you ask me.

Reminds me of a note a boy left on my desk in the 4th grade.  I checked "no" too.

That's ok because I'm in love with Yellow Cake.

Oh yes, it's definitely YOU.


By "people" do you by any chance mean "pies"?  Because I'd be ok with that too.


Think they deliver? 

And your money says, "Bye."

This may be the most disturbing thing ever written in icing.


If you like funny cakes as much as I do, visit Cake Wrecks and pray no one ever gives you one of these.

So, what would YOU prefer on V-day, a cake or a date?   Dish it up below...


tags: dating, food, holidays

12/22/2012

The Twelve Bad Dates of Christmas

On the first bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the second bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the third bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.



On the fourth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the fifth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the sixth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the seventh bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the eighth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Seven Ramen Noodles
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the ninth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Eight Guys a-Flossing
Seven Ramen Noodles
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the tenth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Nine Compost Buckets
Eight Guys a-Flossing
Seven Ramen Noodles
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the eleventh bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Ten Drunken Lawyers
Nine Compost Buckets
Eight Guys a-Flossing
Seven Ramen Noodles
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.

On the twelfth bad date of Christmas,
eHarmony gave to me:
Eleven Backwashed Olives
Ten Drunken Lawyers
Nine Compost Buckets
Eight Guys a-Flossing
Seven Ramen Noodles
Six Creepy Perverts
Five Greasy Riiibs
Four Wrinkled Suits
Three Gym Rats
Two Tiny Men
and a Hockey Fan from New Jersey.


Merry Christmas!!


tags: dating, holidays, music

11/25/2012

Leftovers

This is a Thanksgiving Special -- my homemade homage to The Firehouse Deli in Fairfield, CT. 

Have you had your fill of leftovers yet? 

Perhaps after all the turkey, taters, cranberry sauce, stuffing, and pumpkin pie, you might still have a little room for a hearty helping of bad dates. 

Is there any other kind?


Allow me to introduce Gretzky, Baryshnikov, and The Skipper -- a bunch of eHarmony guys I met over the summer... 


The first guy, Gretzky, was a 47 year old divorced father of 3.  He was 6'2" and appeared to have most of his hair.  He had something odd going on with his teeth.  Veneers maybe?  He had a questionable goatee. 

He was an architect who built his dream home in north Jersey.  The ex-wife got that.  So he bought another place for himself.  In the same town.  And he was really, really, really, REALLY into hockey.  Like, ice rink in his backyard, into hockey.

It was clear to me he hadn't dated in a while.  Or he could have been shy.  Or maybe he was just bad with the computer.  It's hard to type with gloves on.

With every short response he sent, he also sent a pre-written icebreaker.  "I like your smile."  "Your profile made me laugh."  Nice, I guess?  But those typically only come once -- before you start communicating. 

Once the ice is broken, please don't keep hacking away at it unless you're making me a swan.

I don't think we had much in common.  We emailed about nothing.  Weather, mainly.  I think we exchanged about 10 before he gathered up the courage to ask me out. 

The Great One sure was taking his time.

He wrote, "Do you think maybe you'd like to speak or eat with me sometime? :)"  Tempting, right? 

We never did talk.  Or eat.  This is primarily my fault.  Captain Slowpoke didn't really help matters -- I don't have the energy to teach a 47 year old man how to properly ask for a date.  But beyond that, I couldn't picture myself as the girlfriend of a guy with 3 kids and an ice rink.  So I disappeared.

He slid a few more icebreakers my way.  I didn't reply.  Bad Jenny!  To the penalty box I go. 

Puck.


The next guy was into the arts.  Let's call him Baryshnikov. 

He had just turned 40, said he was 6'.  Never married, no kids, no pets.  He was Russian, his family moved to Sarasota, FL when he was a boy.  He went to NYU for his MBA and was an investment banker.  Lived on the UES.  Only child.  Had a full head of hair.  He loved the ballet and played guitar.

We went through the normal communication steps, and after the 2nd or 3rd email, he asked me out for a drink.  Said he'd be in my neighborhood picking up some guitar strings.

Okaaay.

I met him at a pub he picked, called The Ginger Man.  When I arrived, he was already at a table, sitting on a barstool like he was on the toilet.  He didn't get up to say hello. 

He was drinking something dark, and offered to order one for me.  I asked to see the menu instead, which came with his oral history of lagers and pale ales.  I got an Amstel.  He was not impressed.

The beer came quickly and I started to size him up.  He was serious.  He had no accent.  He wore a blazer, which was a bit dressy for a Saturday afternoon, but that was alright.  He had major bags under his eyes.  He sneezed a lot, which was kind of like being on a date with the Nasonex bee.  And he was wearing a pinkie ring.

Yeah.

Misha talked about himself.  Occasionally in the 3rd person.  Much of the conversation surrounded how much he knew about music.  Was this a date or an interview at Guitar Center?

Somewhere along the line, another round of brews and a charcuterie platter appeared on the table.  I started eating in the hopes that my chewing sounds would drown out why Jimmy Page was the greatest guitarist of all time (everybody knows that was Hendrix).

I'm sure he could have jammed forever, but 2 hours was my limit.  So I said something about needing to head out, and I stood up.  So did he.

That's when I realized he wasn't 6'. 

He was MAYBE 5'8".  I think he saw the realization in my eyes because I saw a flicker of horror in his.  Short Stuff and I walked out in silence.  I thanked him for the drinks and the sausage.  He mumbled something I didn't quite hear.

I imagine it was along the lines of, "You're a Sasquatch, I'm a Pygmy.  It won't work.  Have a nice life."


They say third time's the charm, right?  Obviously, they never met The Skipper. 

He was 36.  A younger man!  Said he was 5'11" and a half.  Lived in Jersey, down the shore.  Never married, no kids, no pets.  Glasses.  Hair.  Was a real estate attorney, and also oversaw his parents' charity.  It was clear he never met a meatball sandwich he didn't like. 

And this boy loved his boat.

It was in every photo.  It was part of every conversation.  In fact, he wanted our 1st date to BE on the boat.

Hmmm.  Setting sail with a stranger on a "three hour tour."  Shall I tie the cement block to my OWN ankle and throw myself overboard, or think he'd save me the trouble? 

No thanks.

Cappy said he liked BBQ, so I picked Blue Smoke over a harbor cruise.  I met him outside the restaurant on a sunny Sunday afternoon. 

Now, I'm no Slim Jim -- I know -- but this guy was 300lbs if he was 3.  And he was the sweatiest man alive.  I went to give him a hug hello, but he was like a human Slip 'n Slide, so I skidded off him and shot through the front door instead.

We sat down, and I immediately noticed his booming voice.  Every laugh echoed throughout the dining room.  He also had a pretty foul mouth.  Again, I've been known to let the f-bombs fly, but never on a 1st date.  Needless to say, I wasn't feeling it.

It came time to order.  I got a brisket sandwich, which I ate with a fork.  He got a bucket of ribs, which he ate with his hands. 

For the love of Gilligan, never, ever, EVER order ribs on a date!  It's disgusting to watch somebody you don't know gnaw on a bone and it's awkward to tell them they have sauce on their nose.

Just don't do it.

So, we talked and I avoided looking at his face.  As we were wrapping up, our waiter said they had the world's best chocolate cake.  Thanks, jerk!  Skipper took that as a challenge and ordered it.  It came with a shot of milk and 2 forks.  I picked at the plate, leaving a cakey barrier between my side and his.  Then the check came. 

I offered to pay, but he said, "Babe, I've got it." 

Babe?!  Unless a cute talking pig was sitting over my shoulder with his wallet out too, I'd say it's too soon for that.

We left and walked east together.  I was headed home, and he was headed to the docks in search of the Professor.  At 2nd Ave, we parted ways.  I turned to thank him for lunch, and his arms were open.  So I went to hug him goodbye (forever). 

That's not what he had in mind.

When I saw he was coming at me, greasy lips first, I cut right (starboard?) off his sweaty cheek and he got the hair.  I'm sure there's a joke here about a "little buddy" -- let's pretend I made one.


So, there you have it.  A heaping plate of dating leftovers.  Ignore that fluttering in your chest -- it's heartburn.

What foods would YOU avoid on a first date?  There's plenty more where the ribs came from...


tags: dating

3/04/2012

London Calling

I know I’m overdue for a post. Hopefully this is a juicy one...

Right before the holidays, a guy from eHarmony sent me a communication request. He was 36, 6’ tall, lived on the UES, brown hair and eyes, worked as a “fitness manager” (whatever that is) but looked more like a bookworm than a gym rat.

On a scale from 1-10 with 10 being the best, he was about a 4. But then I read that that he was British. Hmmm. That did change things because I do love me some British accent -- even if awful teeth and pale skin often ride shotgun. 

Suddenly, he was a solid 6.

So I tore myself away from my first love (TV) and wrote him back. We went through the normal communication stages, and I began to notice a pattern.

We had absolutely nothing in common.

I like to sightsee in big cities, he thought camping in the wilderness was a swell way to spend a weekend. I like to cook big dinners, he thought a protein shake was a meal. I like going to concerts and movies, he thought the only events worth going to involved a football (and by football, I mean soccer ball).

Then London Calling and I talked on the phone.

Camping, shakes, and soccer be damned -- I was wooed by that accent!

I agreed to meet him for a drink and went through my traditional pre-date ritual. (What? You aren’t familiar? Oh, sit back and enjoy -- it’s a true window into my neuroses…)

First, I dump a pile of underwear on my couch. I should clarify: this is CLEAN underwear. It is 100% MORE probable that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house than it is that I would EVER invite a guy up to my apartment on the first date. But still, I like having this insurance policy. A couch full of unmentionables means nobody’s making it past the lobby. Period. (I’m sure there’s a joke there, so let’s pretend I made one.)

Second, I put on a pair of heels. This puts me at 6’ tall and allows me to verify that my date is as tall as he says he is and that he meets/exceeds my 6’ height requirement. I know, I KNOW, totally, completely, unbelievably superficial. But it beats carting around one of those signs you see at amusement parks which state you must be this tall to ride this ride. That would just be awkward and gives the wrong impression! I’m not that kind of girl (see my undie-covered couch).

Third, I puff up my hair – but just on one side. Being a Jersey Girl with a thick mane, this is not tough. The “wall of hair” is an essential weapon in my dating arsenal (recall its use to block the view of my date’s public flossing). This provides ample cover should I ever find myself on the receiving end of an unwanted kiss goodnight.

Are you exhausted yet? Me too.

BTW if I’ve ever gone on a date with someone who’s reading this post, I NEVER did this with you (yes I did).

Anyway, I got to the bar first. It was pretty crowded, so I stayed by the door, purposely situated near a squirrely girl who struck me as the type who might keep a bag of drain hair or toenail clippings in her nightstand.

Needless to say, it was a flattering adjacency.

He came in a few minutes later and instantly recognized me from my pics. We wandered away from the bar and grabbed a table by the front window. Looking back, it’s possible the people already sitting there weren’t ready to leave yet, but I was in heels and my feet were swelling by the second. No doubt, I’d have gotten full-on kankles if we stood all night. Besides, I’d just verified that he checked out as 6’ tall so we were in the clear.

I ordered a vodka tonic, he ordered a warm, dark beer that was not Guinness. Then we began to talk. And talk. And talk. THREE hours, another round of drinks, and a trip to the loo later, it was really time to go.

Now, here’s the confusing thing about me: Just because we talked for 3 hours doesn’t actually mean we hit it off.

We still had nothing in common. Actually, no we had ONE thing in common. He had a face and so do I. Otherwise… nada. But I could talk the paint off a wall, and he, having just met me, could not be expected to know such a thing.  He mistakenly thought this was a good first date.

To be fair, it WAS better than the vast majority of my other horrific first dates. Plus, I DID hang on his every word because I loved his accent. AND I laughed at his dry humor, because I am polite and also because I couldn’t exactly hear everything he was saying above the noisy crowd. And he laughed too! Or maybe it was a cough. I couldn’t tell.

I can see why he would have gone in for a smooch, but I don’t think I have to tell you what happened next…

Still dazed from his faceful of hair, he muttered something about doing it again, and stumbled off. I felt bad.  I tried to keep an open mind -- really I did -- but you can’t fake chemistry. And we had none. Which is why I felt even worse, when he texted the next morning telling me what a nice time he had and how he hoped we could do it again next week.

Again? Oh no! Ugh. I’m horrible.

I texted him back saying I enjoyed meeting him too (this was true). I said it was unfortunate we can’t meet up (this was NOT true). I said I would be away visiting my parents in FL the following week (this was true).

He wished me a good trip, and I forgot all about it. Until Christmas Day. My phone buzzed and it was a text from him. He wanted to wish me a merry Christmas. Why couldn’t he be a Grinchy Scrooge? And why couldn’t I find him remotely attractive? And WHY didn’t I ever want to camp or check myself for ticks?

I texted him back and wished him a jolly holiday. I got no response. And because I’m so destined to be alone for all eternity, in my twisted mind that was a GOOD thing. Ahhh. Until, he texted again. This time, on New Year’s Eve. He wanted to wish me a happy 2012, and asked when would I be back in NYC?

Sigh.

I wrote him back. Happy New Year, I said. But I didn’t answer his question about when I’d be home. That’s the last I heard from him. The other day, he closed our match on eHarmony.  Aaand I feel awful.

I know I didn’t handle that right. He was a nice guy, it’s not his fault we didn’t click. And now, I’m certain I have a big fat ugly ball of bad dating karma waiting for me. You just know there’s going to be a tall guy with beautiful teeth and a tan who reads to blind old people WHILE he’s curing cancer AND rescuing kittens from trees. He’s going to blow me off big time. And I’ll totally deserve it.

Right? 

Soooo that was my last first date. Nailed it!


tags: dating, polls

2/15/2012

Stupid Cupid

So Valentine’s Day was yesterday. My Valentine is like Feb 30th.

Doesn’t exist.

But I’m not bitter. Ok, maybe I’m a little bitter. But mostly I’m relieved to avoid obligatory participation in this day of impossible expectations.

You might be saying, that's because I date all the wrong guys.  You won't get any argument from me!  The best gift V-Day I ever got was a Whatchamacallit from my boyfriend Sophmore year.  In college.  I'm not even sure we were officially dating at the time.

Sigh.

Anyway more often than not, it's a letdown. Maybe your roses came from a deli. Or maybe your husband had all the subtlety of a baboon when he gave you a hot pink bag containing Victoria’s skimpiest secret. Or just maybe, your idea of true romance is a night spent alone huffing glue in a black rubber suit.

No matter.

All any of us needs to feel better about ourselves is to look at country music. Regardless of what went south with your Tuesday night, these sad saps ALWAYS have it worse.

Don't believe me?  Saddle up and check out these real song titles:


I’ve Been Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart
by Johnny Cash



Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
by John Denver



You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty



I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuuk
by the Geezinslaw Bros.



Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone
by Roy Clark



Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
by Ruby Wright



I’m Gonna Hire a Wino (To Decorate Our Home)
by David Frizzell




Oh, and here's my favorite. I couldn’t track down the singer, probably because it’s FAR too awesome to be real:


I’m Sorry I Made You Cry, But at Least Your Face Is Clean
by ???




Well, I guess Cupid got it wrong. Again. Nice shot, you big fat baby!

I'm also fairly certain I have some bad Cupid karma floating out there from a recent first (and last) date.  Remind me to tell you about it sometime. 

So has my all-but-certain future of moth balls, couch doilies and 14 cats made me cynical?  Or do you agree that V-Day is more fizzle than sizzle? 

Pour YOUR heart out below...


tags: dating, holidays, music

7/09/2011

I'm Just Not That Into YOU

The title of this blog post, coupled with my colorful online dating history, might lead you to believe I’ve been dumped. Again. Actually, I kind of think I have been… 

Can you get dumped by someone you’ve never met? I dunno.

It all started a few weeks ago. I got another communication request from an eHarmony guy. That sounds so clinical, doesn’t it? Communication request. Ick. Sounds like something your boss would send you right before you get canned. No wonder online dating blows.

Anyway… he was 43 year old lawyer, went to Brown undergrad and Penn Law, owned an apt in Chelsea (?), Jewish, loved hiking, divorced, no kids, had a pet turtle.

Let’s call him Kermit.

(I’m referring to the guy, of course, not the turtle. A turtle named Kermit would be ridiculous.)

At a self-reported 5’10” he was 2 inches below my (shallow) minimum height requirement. Oh and he had red hair. Yep, he was a Ginger. And he had a bowling ball head. Oy. But from our emails, he was a nice enough guy. Responsible. Articulate. Punctual. He seemed like he could properly fold a map.

We had as much chemistry as... something with zero chemistry. 

Eventually, it came time to move beyond the email exchanges and hit the phones. Kermie said he wanted to talk and hopefully meet in person. So he called me.

I was on my way to dinner with some old friends from high school so I didn't answer. He left a message. I felt bad, so the next day I sent him a text, apologizing for missing his call. A few days later, he called me again. That time, I was on my way home from work and not particularly interested in walking and talking so I let it go to voicemail. He left another message. The next day I sent him another text, and made up a lie about why I missed his call.

Bad Jenny.

Then about a week passed -- no calls. I hoped he would just fade away and I would go back to being more selective about the emails I answer.

I was sitting at my desk on Wednesday when my cell rang. It was a 212 number that I didn’t recognize, but I picked up expecting it to be a good friend who I used to work with.  I was supposed to be meeting her for dinner that night.

Well, it wasn’t my friend. It was Kermit.

Imagine having that first get-to-know-you phone call with a guy you really like while you’re at work. That would be kind of awkward, right? Now, imagine that same call with a guy you’re not really into. Yeah.  Not good.

He opened with your standard chit chat. I was talking on my cell phone, but staring a hole into my office phone willing it to ring with the sheer power of my mind. I am sad to report that not only can I NOT bend spoons with my mind, I also cannot force the phone to magically ring. Where's Yoda when you need him?

The conversation quickly turned to the environment. Naturally.

On a good day, with a guy I’m SUPER attracted to, I’ve got about 3 minutes MAX of eco-convo in me. And even then, I don’t really buy it. I mean, can people who can’t accurately tell me if it’s going to rain on Saturday predict with ANY authority that the polar ice caps will melt away to nothing in 10 years if I don't immediately start driving a Prius?

I think not.

My inconvenient truth is that talking about the earth makes me sleepy. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So when he started giving me the dirt on composting, you can be sure I wanted to hop over my desk and jump out my 15th floor window. True to form, Kermit’s into vermiculture. Not familiar? Me neither. I was told it’s when you use worms to eat your garbage so they can poop it out. You need about a pound of worms for every pound of food scraps. And all that chowing down on apple cores and coffee grounds makes the worms feel pretty amorous – each one pinches out a new baby worm every few months.

Wish you never knew that? Me too.  My big contribution to that conversation went a little something like this:

ME: So, how much does a worm cost?
K: Pennies a piece.
ME: That’s probably more than I would want to spend.
K: Why?
ME: I’m saving up to adopt a highway.

This was going NOwhere. Was my office phone even working? How could it ring 50x a day, and not ONCE in the past 10 minutes? I decided to turn the talk towards something I could relate to, so I could be 158,329% positive this was going nowhere.

ME: Seen anything interesting lately?
K: I don’t own a TV.
ME (Silence. Does not compute.)
K: Are you still there?
ME: No TV? What do you do at night?
K: Well, between work, caring for my turtle…
ME: Oh, go hug a dolphin!
K: Uh… what?
ME: Ever tried golfin?
K: At night?
ME: Nevermind.

FINALLY the phone rang. Ahhh. An excuse to hang up! I say goodbye and dance a jig of happiness.

That evening, I received the following text:

Jen. [Kermit]. Knw u wntd 2 date, bt am hvng 2nd thghs. We ddnt clck. Not intrstd in F2F mtg. Bst of lk. GTG!! :/

Please allow me to translate:

Hi Jen, it’s Kermit. I know that you wanted to date, but I am having second thoughts (or thighs?). We just didn’t click, so I’m no longer interested in having a face to face meeting (otherwise known as a DATE). But I wish you the best of luck. Got to go!! Weird smiley frown face.

Did he actually just dump me with a text message? He did, right?!? Before we ever even met?

Hey, Nicholas Sparks! Nobody said anything about dating here. I mean, it’s not like I wanted to have your orange clown wig babies or anything. Besides, it's just as well that you don’t want to meet ME because I have never wanted to meet YOU.

Frankly, I’d rather sit in soaking wet clothes while watching a Transformers marathon than watch worms take a dump.

Ugh, will it EVER end?  Lie to me below...


tags: dating

6/17/2011

Pepe Le Pew

Remember a little while back when I said I was emailing with an eHarmony guy from Long Island who seemed normal?

He was from Smithtown, 38, a lawyer, divorced with 2 young boys. 6'3" and had most of his hair. He got custody of the family dog. We went through the guided communication process, then exchanged a bunch of emails. Finally, he asked for my number so we could talk on the phone.

So we did. For 2 hours.

When we hung up, I definitely knew a lot more about him. His ex wife was lazy and yelled a lot. He drove a silver BMW. He liked egg white omelets with spinach and feta. He was a Dolphins fan. The only concert he ever went to was Billy Joel (of course).  He went to Hoftsra for undergrad and St. Johns for law school.  His mom and dad divorced after 30 years of marriage. His dad then remarried -- and had kids -- making his brothers the same age as his sons.

Unfortunately, he knew next to nothing about me. Why? Because this was a guy who loved the sound of his own voice. You know what his only question was?

He asked me what else I wanted to know about him...

Anyway, for all his jibber-jabbering, he seemed kinda funny. I like funny. So when he decided at the end of the call (based on all that stimulating conversation) that we should meet for dinner, I said ok. We made plans for the following night. Mexican. He cancelled about 4 hours beforehand. He texted the next day to reschedule. Sushi. And then he cancelled again. That’s where I drew the line.

I’m done with guys making plans they can’t keep.

So I didn't reply. And I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then he popped up out of the blue, all apologetic about being such a flake, and he asked me out again. For whatever reason, I said yes. But I wasn’t meeting him after work for drinks or dinner anymore. I decided on brunch and chose a spot in the 50s on the east side. Seafood. And he actually showed up!

I saw him pull up and attempt to parallel park. Let’s just say it wasn’t smooth. But he was definitely in a silver BMW so at least he was telling the truth about that. Unfortunately, when he got out, he expected me to be impressed. That ship has sailed. I drove a BMW too, back when I owned a car… except it was black.

He said hello and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek.  Even outdoors, I couldn't help but notice the amount of cologne he was wearing.  He was like a king-sized Pepe Le Pew. It didn't take me too long to realize why he couldn't park and why smelled like he took a bath in CK One.

It’s because he was stinking drunk. Awesome.

We went inside and the waiter came over pretty quickly. Skunky slurred his drink order: Pure vodka. No ice. No slice. Did I mention it was 10am? I ordered a hammer to beat myself over the head. And a cranberry juice chaser.

Motormouth was at it again, this time, showing me pictures of his dog. Beast? Buddy? Barney? Whatever. He’s flipping through and I started to notice a theme. This dog is always accessorized. There he is with a sombrero. Next, it’s a pair of aviators. Then, an Islanders jersey.

Look, I like dogs as much as the next guy. (So long as the next guy is someone who feels generally lukewarm about the animal kingdom.) But I firmly believe with every fiber of my being that anyone who forces their pets to wear clothes is an absolute asshole.

For some reason that even I don’t understand, I still kept thinking maybe this date would get better. So we order, and I’m hoping that will sober him up. I got a crabcake sandwich on an english muffin. Normally on a first date, I might have gone with a side salad, but instead I ordered a side of fries. 

It's not like he was going to remember.

He proceeded to tell the waiter he’s a “big fan of Italian” then rattled off a bunch of pastas. He said he liked linguini, fettucini, tortellini – all the "inis" really. And then he ordered the seafood frittata.  Good lord.

He kept talking. And talking. And taalllkkkkiiiiinnnnnnggggggg. Then our meals arrived. Of course he continued, now with mouthfuls of eggy food. Mmmm. You know how you eat when you’ve had too much to drink? Like it’s your last meal? Yeah, it was kinda like that.

Towards the end of brunch, he leaned in and said, “Tell me about your fears.” Say WHAT? Here was a guy who’d barely asked me a single question about myself and now he wanted to know about my FEARS??

Uh ok.

Frankly, I’m really only afraid of one thing: Death. Not public speaking.  Not spiders.  Death.  Well, death and also having my ass suctioned to an airplane toilet. But mostly death.

As I opened my mouth to respond, I got a better look at his face.  I noticed a reddish mark by his lower lip, and came to the swift realization Pepe may or may not have The Herp. 

That's what I like to call the final straw.

So, I placed my napkin over my mostly uneaten crabcake sandwich. I then stood up and told him he should take care of the check, try not to kill anyone on his way home, and most definitely lose my number.

And that was the end of that.


Ok. Don't hold back. What would YOU have done in my shoes?  (Bonus points if you tell me about your fears...)
 

tags: dating

4/16/2011

Top Ramen

As you know, I’m back to online dating.

It’s not that I love the idea of meeting someone online, because I definitely don’t. But in my everyday life (at my advanced age), I just don’t have enough opportunities to meet new people.

I guess it’s not really “people” I’m looking to meet. It’s guys. Ok, ok, single guys. Alright, STRAIGHT single guys.

Anyway, I’ve recently been toying with the idea of taking golf or sailing lessons at Chelsea Piers or cooking classes at the Institute for Culinary Education. It would be so nice to meet someone in real life instead of on a computer, where you have no idea if the guy you think is normal is actually a 300lb hoarder who’s 6’ tall ONLY when he stands on a giant pile of empty Steak-Umm boxes.

You just can’t tell.

Anyway, about a month and a half ago, I was in the grocery store across the street from my apt. I was in the mood to learn to make soup, and was buying the fixings for French Onion. I wasn’t really following a recipe, exactly, but I’ve eaten it a 100x over the years. So I was just going from aisle to aisle picking up ingredients that seemed to make sense.

Immediately after the produce aisle (where I grabbed Spanish onions, red onions, a head of garlic, and a shallot), and the cookie aisle (where I picked up some Nutter Butters, which have nothing at all to do with the soup, but are simply the most awesomely delicious cookie ever), I found myself in the soup aisle.

You’d think I would have skipped this aisle, since I was making soup from scratch. It might have made sense to avoid the temptation to scrap my whole plan, buy a can of Campbell’s, kick back on the couch and chow down on sweet, sweet Nutter Butters.

But I didn’t.

I got to the middle of the aisle when I realized I needed a broth of some kind. So I was standing there, debating whether I should go with beef stock or vegetable stock. Veggie was in a green box. Would the broth be greenish too? I couldn’t take the chance. I knew beef was brown. 

Just then, a tall, glasses-wearing guy in a very nice gray pinstripe suit reached over my head to grab 2 packages of Nissin Top Ramen. Chicken flavor. “I lived on this stuff in college,” he said to me as he dropped the packages into his basket. I nodded. He nodded. And he went on his way up the aisle.

I grabbed the beef stock and continued down the aisle. I turned the corner to the frozen food section, which also happens to have pre-packaged deli items, and smells vaguely of vomit. I was deliberating over buying Gruyere (at $24 a wedge!) or Swiss (at a mere $8).

Ramen Noodle walked by again. “Try the fontina,” he said. I smiled. He smiled. And he went on his way up the aisle.

I grabbed the fontina, since it was also white and melty, and a fraction of the cost of the Gruyere.  I also picked up a bag of Nathan’s Famous frozen potato pancakes (because they are tasty), and continued down the aisle. I skipped the next few aisles because I didn’t need any beverages, cleaning products, pet food, or cereal.

I was in the last aisle to grab some butter to saute the onions in.  This is FRENCH onion soup after all.  The tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter that I already had in my fridge probably wouldn't cut it.

Well, guess who walked by?

Clearly we were on the same grocery path. “Got the fontina, huh?” he asked. I laughed. He laughed. And we both went up the aisle toward the checkout. We picked different lanes, which meant we were done roughly at the same time. I know this because I walked out of the store right behind him.

“Are you following me?” he flirted. “It won’t be a long walk, I live just across the street.” He proceeded to point right at my building.

“You don’t say?” I replied. “Me too.”

He introduced himself, and I did the same. We chatted while waiting for the light to change. And while walking across the street. And in the lobby of our building. And by the mailboxes. And by the elevators. We got in, and I hit my floor, 28. He hit his floor, 17. Then he asked me out for a drink.

(Not that night, of course. I would be too busy eating cookies while figuring out how to make soup.)

We met in the lobby the following night around 8pm. That is precisely when this cute story of 2 people meeting in the soup aisle at Gristedes turned rotten.

The drinks lasted all of 20 minutes. In this time:
  • I noticed he was much heavier than I remembered. Maybe it was all the sodium from the ramen, but the buttons on his shirt (and probably his pants) were undoubtedly the most hard-working buttons in the room.
  • He barely said 10 words, all he did was gesture.  It was like being on a date with a mime.
  • The few words he did use were directed towards our server, and involved ordering, re-ordering, and re-re-ordering himself a glass of port. He showed no visible signs of remorse for his openly assholey behavior or for his bad taste in drinks.
Interrupting my silent prayers for someone to pull the fire alarm, he stepped away. I assumed it was to pay the bill at the bar. I was at least grateful that he realized this was going nowhere.  Plus, I made a mental note that 99 cent noodles are a HORRIBLE foundation for a first date. The only guys who still eat that crap are wasted and/or broke.

He returned a few minutes later reeking of cigarettes. Revolting.

“Can you tell I just had a smoke?” he asked as he waved his arms in the air and shook out his suit jacket. Ah!  Words!  How nice.  Too bad he stunk.  So I replied, “Um, could you tell if a bum just took a dump his pants?” 

He looked at me strangely. Needless to say, the date ended there. We walked back, awkwardly, to our apt building.

And I learned a valuable lesson – don’t date anyone who lives in your apt building! Because I ran into him like 6 more times after that horrible date. In typical New York fashion, though, we pretended like we didn’t know one another. Which was fine by me.

Now, you might be wondering why I decided to write about him today if this date happened a while back. Well, my typical policy with writing about my bad dates is that I don’t do it until I'm positive I’m never going to see the guy again. And I will NEVER see Ooodles of Noodles again, as the doorman told me he moved out today. Hooray!

I just might celebrate. With some port. Oh, wait!  That’s a pretentious drink that tastes like oven cleaner.

Maybe I’ll just have a Nutter Butter.

So, would you ever date someone from your same apartment or office building?  Share below...

tags: city life, dating, food