In keeping with the rules of Lent, I ordered up a plain cheese pizza tonight. About 15 minutes after I placed the order, my phone rang. Naturally, I assumed it was the lobby telling me the delivery guy was on his way up.
My mom was on the other end. She likes to check in to make sure I made it home safely. It’s cute, really. So we chit-chatted for a few minutes, and I think I successfully convinced her I would survive yet another day in the Big Bad City. Then, I happened to mention that I ordered a pizza. Plain cheese – just like Jesus likes it.
You’re familiar with the phrase, “no good deed goes unpunished,” yes? Well, the conversation went a little something like this:
MOM: Oh no…
MOM: It’s just…well, I just thought you were in for the night.
ME: I am in for the night. The pizza comes to me.
MOM: But you have to open the door.
ME: Yes, that’s generally how food gets inside.
MOM: But you don’t know who this guy is.
ME: Yes I do. He’s the pizza delivery guy.
MOM: But you don’t know what he’s up to.
ME: Delivering pizzas, I think.
MOM: He could take advantage of the situation.
ME: What situation?
MOM: That you’re ALONE.
MOM: You hear about it all the time on the news.
MOM: Flush the toilet when the doorbell rings!
MOM: Then, turn on the shower. Are you writing this down?
MOM: I’ll send you some of Dad’s pants. Underwear too.
MOM: You can keep them on the couch.
MOM: That way, he’ll know you’re not alone.
So, let me get this straight: I need to invent a hungry slob of a boyfriend who orders dinner, then leaves his dirty clothes strewn all over the living room BEFORE taking a dump (and a shower!), just to trick a random delivery guy (who may not even speak English) into believing I’m not alone.
Being single is SO complicated.