Let You Down

I don't know how to say this. I can't even find an image to depict what I'm feeling, so this is my first blog post without one. I'm just going to rip it off like a bandaid:

I'm not getting married anymore.

And just like that -- poof -- my future, my family, my home, my wedding, my precious ring, and the love of my life have simply disappeared. No one is more shocked than I am. I wish I could say it was mutual. But it wasn't.

When he asked me to marry him back in December, I came up with a slew of adjectives to describe how happy I was. I said it was "super-terrific-happy-HUGE-totally awesome-fantastically wonderful-can't even believe this is happening-somebody PLEASE PINCH ME news." Those same words held true when I moved in with him a mere 2 months ago.

And as I've spent the last week sobbing, packing, and moving out of the home I thought we were creating together, I came up with a whole new list of adjectives to describe how I was feeling.

You can use your imagination, but one remained, "can't even believe this is happening."

It's funny, before we met, I'd resigned myself to the fact that I likely wouldn't ever get married. So when I was over the moon about our engagement, it wasn't because my marriage clock was ticking and he just fit the suit. It wasn't a "to-do" to check off a list. Quite the opposite. I never HAD that list before him. It was because of him that I could even imagine becoming a wife and a mother. That I could finally have the kind of life that came so easily to everyone around me. That it was MY turn.

I told myself it was worth the wait. And it was.

It took everything I had to get out of my own way and fall in love. I was SO guarded. But there comes a point in any relationship where you have to make a choice to move forward. To trust someone completely. To have faith. So, I leapt, and he caught me. Willingly, I think. But I must have become too heavy along the way, and he let go.

So now here I am. Devastated, numb, humiliated, and alone.

I could rehash for you the myriad things that went wrong, or second guess every move, or play armchair psychologist, or dole out blame. But honestly... what's the point? It won't change things. And it certainly won't help me put my life back together.

Really, all I can do here is question my own judgement. I'm a smart girl, so how did I not see this coming? I've been on my own for most of my 36 years, so how did I allow myself to become so dependent on someone else? And I believed this was forever, so how can I ever expect to go down this road with someone new and NOT be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop?

In the end, I think I let myself down. My bad judgment has had a sickening ripple effect across my life, and the lives of my family and friends. And I'm crushed. CRUSHED. But in the moment, I guess I heard what I wanted to hear and saw what I wanted to see.

I don't plan to make this blog all woe-is-me now. That's not what you signed up for. And frankly, that's not who I am. I WILL cheer up and post my random thoughts about silly things. As cliche as it sounds, I will get my groove back.

Eventually.

It's just that when I created the "getting married" tag for this blog, I never in a MILLION years thought my last post in that category would be about the end of our relationship. I assumed the last one would be about our wedding. How foolish I feel. I've been told repeatedly that he's done me a favor by ending things now. Surely, I can see that this is better than if we were married, or had a child. But it still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.

So I'll just end this post with a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has listened, comforted, packed, driven, supported, hugged, and housed me over the last week. Your kindness means more than you know.