We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

new york looks prettiest from new jersey

6/13/2010

Let You Down

I don't know how to say this. I can't even find an image to depict what I'm feeling, so this is my first blog post without one. I'm just going to rip it off like a bandaid:

I'm not getting married anymore.

And just like that -- poof -- my future, my family, my home, my wedding, my precious ring, and the love of my life have simply disappeared. No one is more shocked than I am. I wish I could say it was mutual. But it wasn't.

When he asked me to marry him back in December, I came up with a slew of adjectives to describe how happy I was. I said it was "super-terrific-happy-HUGE-totally awesome-fantastically wonderful-can't even believe this is happening-somebody PLEASE PINCH ME news." Those same words held true when I moved in with him a mere 2 months ago.

And as I've spent the last week sobbing, packing, and moving out of the home I thought we were creating together, I came up with a whole new list of adjectives to describe how I was feeling.

You can use your imagination, but one remained, "can't even believe this is happening."

It's funny, before we met, I'd resigned myself to the fact that I likely wouldn't ever get married. So when I was over the moon about our engagement, it wasn't because my marriage clock was ticking and he just fit the suit. It wasn't a "to-do" to check off a list. Quite the opposite. I never HAD that list before him. It was because of him that I could even imagine becoming a wife and a mother. That I could finally have the kind of life that came so easily to everyone around me. That it was MY turn.

I told myself it was worth the wait. And it was.

It took everything I had to get out of my own way and fall in love. I was SO guarded. But there comes a point in any relationship where you have to make a choice to move forward. To trust someone completely. To have faith. So, I leapt, and he caught me. Willingly, I think. But I must have become too heavy along the way, and he let go.

So now here I am. Devastated, numb, humiliated, and alone.

I could rehash for you the myriad things that went wrong, or second guess every move, or play armchair psychologist, or dole out blame. But honestly... what's the point? It won't change things. And it certainly won't help me put my life back together.

Really, all I can do here is question my own judgement. I'm a smart girl, so how did I not see this coming? I've been on my own for most of my 36 years, so how did I allow myself to become so dependent on someone else? And I believed this was forever, so how can I ever expect to go down this road with someone new and NOT be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop?

In the end, I think I let myself down. My bad judgment has had a sickening ripple effect across my life, and the lives of my family and friends. And I'm crushed. CRUSHED. But in the moment, I guess I heard what I wanted to hear and saw what I wanted to see.

I don't plan to make this blog all woe-is-me now. That's not what you signed up for. And frankly, that's not who I am. I WILL cheer up and post my random thoughts about silly things. As cliche as it sounds, I will get my groove back.

Eventually.

It's just that when I created the "getting married" tag for this blog, I never in a MILLION years thought my last post in that category would be about the end of our relationship. I assumed the last one would be about our wedding. How foolish I feel. I've been told repeatedly that he's done me a favor by ending things now. Surely, I can see that this is better than if we were married, or had a child. But it still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.

So I'll just end this post with a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has listened, comforted, packed, driven, supported, hugged, and housed me over the last week. Your kindness means more than you know.
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22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Jen, so sorry to hear that. :( Hang in there. It will get better even though it doesn't seem that way right now.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear this news.

Anonymous said...

Very sorry to hear this awful news. You deserve better than that.

chris said...

WHAT???!!!??? You were so happy last time we met up for drinks. It was so nice to see.

Stay strong and call if you need anything.

jessica said...

Awe, wish I could give you a hug. So so sorry this happened to you.

jen m. said...

We are sooo sorry to hear this. Just awful. You only just moved in! Where are you living now? Still in CT?

Anonymous said...

Hang in there kiddo. His loss.

julia said...

Saw you changed your facebook pic back to the old one and thought something might be up. I'm sure this SUUUCKS right now, but you will get better each day.

Hang in sweets.

Anonymous said...

Don't blame yourself or your judgement. This happens to the best of us.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this. Somebody certainly let somebody down in this scenario. Not entirely convinced that somebody was you.

Anonymous said...

COME BACK TO JERSEY!!! :P

Anonymous said...

Really really sorry to hear this Jen. You sounded so happy.

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Um, so make that 2 things I was wrong about -- people actually DO read this thing. Wow.

Anon #1, #2, #3, Jess, #4, #5, #6, and #7 -- thanks.

Chris and Anon #8, I WAS really happy. Don't understand how it ended like this.

Jen M, yes am staying with my brother and sister in law while I sort stuff out. Need to get out of CT, though -- too many memories.

Julia, yeah, Facebook makes breakups about 10x harder than they used to be.

Thanks again, everybody.

jen m. said...

Totally understand not wanting to stay in CT. You must be reminded of him all the time. How are you getting back and forth to work?

Anonymous said...

glad to see you posting again. sorry it had to be like this. title makes me think of dave matthews. intentional or accident?

Anonymous said...

Sorry but you moved out in 2 months? Living together can be hard at first. You guys didn't even give it a chance!

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Jen M, am renting cars -- it's like paying a car payment every week. Then I'm taking the train from Stamford because I know I can park there and my monthly train pass is for that stop. The waiting list to park in Fairfield is 5 years long. Awesome.

Anon #9, intentional. Good call. We had probably the best date of my life at a DMB concert in Jones Beach last summer, so his music reminds me of us. As I was packing up my boxes, I couldn't get that song out of my head. Seemed like a fitting title.

Anon #10, did you actually read this post? Moving out after 2 months and ending our relationship was not my choice. If I was unclear at all, let me put it in terms you can understand: I was dumped. Feel free to misinterpret more of my posts in the coming weeks. I could use a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

Any regrets?

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Anon #11: Regrets? I guess the biggest one is moving in. The breakup would have been bad -- horrible -- by itself. But it's nearly unbearable because I'd just moved out of my apt and into his condo. Now, where I live, my ability to get to work, my finances, you name it, NO part of my life is untouched by this breakup. Except for maybe my job. Which isn't exactly a calm oasis, considering it revolves around wedding planning. So yes, I have regrets.

Anonymous said...

did you keep the ring??

Lisa said...

Looks like I'm a little late with this, but am so sorry to hear it. Did this totally come out of the blue? No warning?

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Anon #12: That is a gross question. If you're going to ask that, you should at least reveal your name. All I'll say is that I did the right thing.

Lisa, thanks so much for the note. We'd been having problems since the day I moved in, so looking back now that was a clear warning sign that all was not well. It just never occurred to me that we wouldn't work everything out. Makes me so very sad that we didn't even try.