colorful online dating history, might lead you to believe I’ve been dumped. Again. Actually, I kind of think I have been…
Can you get dumped by someone you’ve never met? I dunno.
It all started a few weeks ago. I got another communication request from an eHarmony guy. That sounds so clinical, doesn’t it? Communication request. Ick. Sounds like something your boss would send you right before you get canned. No wonder online dating blows.
Anyway… he was 43 year old lawyer, went to Brown undergrad and Penn Law, owned an apt in Chelsea (?), Jewish, loved hiking, divorced, no kids, had a pet turtle.
Let’s call him Kermit.
(I’m referring to the guy, of course, not the turtle. A turtle named Kermit would be ridiculous.)
At a self-reported 5’10” he was 2 inches below my (shallow) minimum height requirement. Oh and he had red hair. Yep, he was a Ginger. And he had a bowling ball head. Oy. But from our emails, he was a nice enough guy. Responsible. Articulate. Punctual. He seemed like he could properly fold a map.
We had as much chemistry as... something with zero chemistry.
Eventually, it came time to move beyond the email exchanges and hit the phones. Kermie said he wanted to talk and hopefully meet in person. So he called me.
I was on my way to dinner with some old friends from high school so I didn't answer. He left a message. I felt bad, so the next day I sent him a text, apologizing for missing his call. A few days later, he called me again. That time, I was on my way home from work and not particularly interested in walking and talking so I let it go to voicemail. He left another message. The next day I sent him another text, and made up a lie about why I missed his call.
Then about a week passed -- no calls. I hoped he would just fade away and I would go back to being more selective about the emails I answer.
I was sitting at my desk on Wednesday when my cell rang. It was a 212 number that I didn’t recognize, but I picked up expecting it to be a good friend who I used to work with. I was supposed to be meeting her for dinner that night.
Well, it wasn’t my friend. It was Kermit.
Imagine having that first get-to-know-you phone call with a guy you really like while you’re at work. That would be kind of awkward, right? Now, imagine that same call with a guy you’re not really into. Yeah. Not good.
He opened with your standard chit chat. I was talking on my cell phone, but staring a hole into my office phone willing it to ring with the sheer power of my mind. I am sad to report that not only can I NOT bend spoons with my mind, I also cannot force the phone to magically ring. Where's Yoda when you need him?
The conversation quickly turned to the environment. Naturally.
On a good day, with a guy I’m SUPER attracted to, I’ve got about 3 minutes MAX of eco-convo in me. And even then, I don’t really buy it. I mean, can people who can’t accurately tell me if it’s going to rain on Saturday predict with ANY authority that the polar ice caps will melt away to nothing in 10 years if I don't immediately start driving a Prius?
I think not.
My inconvenient truth is that talking about the earth makes me sleepy. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So when he started giving me the dirt on composting, you can be sure I wanted to hop over my desk and jump out my 15th floor window. True to form, Kermit’s into vermiculture. Not familiar? Me neither. I was told it’s when you use worms to eat your garbage so they can poop it out. You need about a pound of worms for every pound of food scraps. And all that chowing down on apple cores and coffee grounds makes the worms feel pretty amorous – each one pinches out a new baby worm every few months.
Wish you never knew that? Me too. My big contribution to that conversation went a little something like this:
ME: So, how much does a worm cost?
K: Pennies a piece.
ME: That’s probably more than I would want to spend.
ME: I’m saving up to adopt a highway.
This was going NOwhere. Was my office phone even working? How could it ring 50x a day, and not ONCE in the past 10 minutes? I decided to turn the talk towards something I could relate to, so I could be 158,329% positive this was going nowhere.
ME: Seen anything interesting lately?
K: I don’t own a TV.
ME (Silence. Does not compute.)
K: Are you still there?
ME: No TV? What do you do at night?
K: Well, between work, caring for my turtle…
ME: Oh, go hug a dolphin!
K: Uh… what?
ME: Ever tried golfin?
K: At night?
FINALLY the phone rang. Ahhh. An excuse to hang up! I say goodbye and dance a jig of happiness.
That evening, I received the following text:
Jen. [Kermit]. Knw u wntd 2 date, bt am hvng 2nd thghs. We ddnt clck. Not intrstd in F2F mtg. Bst of lk. GTG!! :/
Please allow me to translate:
Hi Jen, it’s Kermit. I know that you wanted to date, but I am having second thoughts (or thighs?). We just didn’t click, so I’m no longer interested in having a face to face meeting (otherwise known as a DATE). But I wish you the best of luck. Got to go!! Weird smiley frown face.
Did he actually just dump me with a text message? He did, right?!? Before we ever even met?
Hey, Nicholas Sparks! Nobody said anything about dating here. I mean, it’s not like I wanted to have your orange clown wig babies or anything. Besides, it's just as well that you don’t want to meet ME because I have never wanted to meet YOU.
Frankly, I’d rather sit in soaking wet clothes while watching a Transformers marathon than watch worms take a dump.
Ugh, will it EVER end? Lie to me below...