Tonight, We Bowl
Now check out this photo. That’s the scoreboard. I’m J Lo, pulling up the rear (insert ass joke here).
And I won. HA! Even I can’t believe it.
And no… I wasn’t playing against a bunch of children. Or drunks. Or blind people. Or armless dudes who roll the ball down the lane with their noses. No! They were regular celebrities, like me... J Lo.
We might form a league.
Now, don’t ask me what all the numbers, Xs, dashes, and slashes mean. Might as well be Chinese. I have no clue. I just know I scored 76, which is probably horrible by normal standards but was enough to chalk me up a W with this crowd.
Given the fact that I’ve been bowling 3 whole times now, I’d like to impart 3 shining pearls of Big Lebowski wisdom that will make you want to stitch your name on an unflattering shirt and eat chicken wings without washing your hands:
Tip #1: Bowl granny-style. It isn’t pretty, but it gets the job done.
Tip #2: Believe the ball’s slimy exterior is due to the Purell shower it takes on the journey back to you.
Tip #3: Wear thick socks to protect your feet from rental shoe infestation. Toss socks immediately after.
Is it a sport? I don't know. (I’m sure the Bowlers of America work up a great sweat growing their beer guts and receding hairlines). But it was goodtimes. Except for the weird guy I ran into outside the bathroom. He wanted me to listen to a song, and offered me his headphones. Mmmm. Using someone’s headphones is like using someone’s toothbrush. If we haven’t swapped spit, I want nothing to do with your earwax.
So that was a firm no. But otherwise, super fun.
Need more convincing? Watch this inspirational video clip from the cinematic treasure, Grease 2:
I think Adrian Zmed may have disinfected my shoes.
So, fellow natural athletes of pseudo-sports, share below your tales of darts, ping-pong, frisbee, bowling, or golf (which, let's face it, is just rich man's bowling).
Yep, I said it. Discuss...