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Going for Gold

I can’t get into the Olympics.

There, I said it.

I know, I know!  I should feel SOME Team USA pride, and on a macro level, of course, I do!

But on an everyday basis, I know more about the scandals than I do about the scores. Like the Ralph Lauren team uniform brouhaha. And the sea of empty seats in the stadiums. And the Queen Mum’s preoccupation with her fingernails during the opening ceremony. And the fact that NBC’s broadcast delays, spoilers, and idiotic commentary has everyone in an uproar (#nbcfail).

Now, I know I’m not the sportiest gal you ever met, but I did think I had a handle on the types of competitions that were worthy of this world stage.

I was wrong.

Can someone PLEASE explain when Badminton and Trampoline became Olympic sports?

Every block in America has that house with a trampoline in the yard. Those are also the same dangerous folks who burn a hole in their roof making a deep-fried turkey or setting off fireworks.

The accessibility of “sports” like Badminton and Trampoline have inspired me to develop my own list of competitions that I could do around the house.  Olympics Selection Committee, are you listening?

I know I could bring home a bronze, silver, or gold medal with these beauties:

Competitive Gift Wrapping
Qualifications: If you’ve ever received a gift from me, you know.

Parallel Parking
Qualifications: I’m an excellent driver, and I say that without the slightest trace of irony.

DVR Programming
Qualifications: My DVR is a symphony of carefully orchestrated network and cable television shows.

Qualifications: I'm an ugly typist but I can find anything in 30 seconds flat.

Shower Re-grouting
Qualifications: I love the smell of fresh caulk in the morning.

Fridge Organizing
Qualifications: I believe that the salsa and the strawberry jelly shouldn’t share a shelf.

Laundry Folding
Qualifications: My first job was at The Gap – I can fold a tshirt like nobody’s business.

Taxicab Hailing
Qualifications: I can distinguish between an open, taken, off duty, and off duty but might still take you cab.

Slap on a jaunty beret (made in China) and play along! What Faux-lympic sports would YOU excel in?

tags: sports


Chris said...

Your alive! And a Communist! How could you not love the Olympics??????

I would totally kill it at badminton.

Jessica said...

I just finished shaving my husband's back hair. Does that count? Maybe sheep shearing would be more appropriate? ;)

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