Since I last blogged? No, not quite. Since my beloved Glee last aired.
Yes, at 9:28PM last night, Glee came back! And while I didn't actually WATCH the episode because I'm waiting to see it with my fiance (and without commercial interruption), just knowing it's back makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I may break out in song. Actually, no I won't...
Did I ever tell you about the time when I was a singer? It was the end of the 6th grade, and I was 11. Grammar school. The place where they let EVERYBODY sing. I had one of many solos in We Are the World, and I did my best to channel Kim Carnes (of the Bette Davis Eyes fame), with my two fellow students, Huey Lewis and Cindy Lauper. I thought I was awesome. Total rockstar. I can even remember what I wore, primarily because it was neon.
Anyway, when I went to middle school the following year, I eagerly signed up for 7th grade chorus. I sang my heart out to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner, which would determine if I should have been grouped with the altos, the sopranos, the tenors, the basses (bases?), or the baritones. It was that day, I learned there was actually a sixth group in chorus: the mutes.
I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that I should, "sign up for art class instead, Jenny." So I did. After all, you don't have to sing when you're drawing or painting or sculpting. Hell, you don't even have to talk! Maybe that was her point.
So now that I'm 26 (ahem, plus 10), my singing is relegated to long car rides... alone. Trust me, it's for the best.
Back to Glee. You know what I love more than the show, or the singing, or the Slurpees, or even the almighty jazz hands? Sue Sylvester, aka Jane Lynch, the diabolical head coach of the Cheerios and arch nemesis to all Gleeks.
The devil wears Adidas.
And after next week's episode, I hear she Vogues, too. Every line out of her potty mouth should be put on a bumper sticker. I would even put them on my car. If I had one. So, in honor of Sue, here are a few my fave lines:
"I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office." (Episode 3, Acafellas)
"All I want is just one day when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off." (Episode 12, Mattress)
"Me, I never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus." (Episode 6, Vitamin D)
"I, for one, think intimacy has no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling." (Episode 8, Mash-Up)
"Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round-off." (Episode 7, Throwdown)"You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at -- right next to being married, running a high school Glee Club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian." (Episode 13, Sectionals)
"I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house... and punch you in the FACE!" (Episode 8, Mash-Up)
"I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one." (Episode 7, Throwdown)
"You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it." (Episode 12, Mattress)
"You want to be creative, you want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me! So here's the deal: You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it! It's time, and I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade, launder my soiled delicates. It'd be very rewarding work for you." (Episode 2, Showmance)
"I am about to vomit down your back." (Episode 7, Throwdown)
See any I missed? Add them below! Unless, they're from last night's episode. In that case, wait until next week...