We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

new york looks prettiest from new jersey

As I was saying before I was distracted by public urination, when I was in Florida I watched a good amount of late night infomercials. It seems EVERY 80s supermodel has been busy in the lab formulating their own face creams and/or exercise equipment and/or hair products. And every popstar is plagued with acne.

But you cannot avoid the omni-present Snuggie.

I couldn’t help but notice this blanket cult is now singlehandedly trying to resurrect the Macarena. I hated that song when I was in Mexico on spring break in 1995, and I don’t like it any better now with the words changed up. Heeey get a Snuggie!

Get out of my head.

In their quest for world domination, they will not rest until we are all roaming the earth in these flimsy backwards robes. Do yourself a favor and look away when the commercial comes on, or you too will be sucked into their vortex. Heeeeeeeey get a Snuggie!

You never know what brilliant discovery you’ll find on TV. Recall the time I bought a ham at 2am? In the cavernous void left by bearded Billy Mays, several new pitchmen have arisen and joined the mission to separate me from my hard-earned dollars.

Damn them and their persuasiveness!

Here are my current television temptations:

TV Hat: How do I not own this? Let me thank the guy (and yes, I said guy -- one glance and you know this goofy facemask was NOT designed by a woman) who Gorilla-glued a plastic pouch to the brim of a rather large hat so I could slip my “digital MP3 player” in and feel like I’m inside my own hands-free personal theater. The “privacy shade” does makes your face look like it’s stuck in a shoebox, so it’s not for the claustrophobic. But they must be popular because they are all sold out of the color “Camo.” I guess I won’t be blending in with the wildlife while I watch Gossip Girl in the woods. Let’s just hope it gets better reception than my radio underpants.

Heel Tastic: In watching this one, I learned that some people actually need to groom their feet with a belt-sander. That’s rough! Now, my feet are not so crusty and jagged that they pop balloons or tear holes through nylons, but I’m fascinated by this soothing roll-on balm. They attribute the baby-softness to “natural Neem and Karanja oils.” A quick googling tells me Neem is a vegetable oil that smells strongly of peanuts and garlic. So, really, who’s to say if your feet are smooth or rough? They will stink so no one will want to go near them. Because feet are gross. Evil genius.

Blo & Go: How did they know I’ve been struggling with my blow-dryer? My arms get SO tired. I often think, my hair would look amazing if only I had another set of hands. OR a wall-mounted suction cup from which to hang my dryer! That would be like getting a salon-quality blowout right in my own bathroom. Well, my prayers have been answered. And no worries about it crashing to the floor from the sheer force of the blow, because this gadget comes with a sleek black bungee cord to keep that sucker sturdy. They’ve literally thought of everything. I’m going to look awesome.

Pasta Boat: I remember making lasagna once and shouting an f-bomb for every slimy noodle I fished out of a boiling pot of water. True story.  They were so freaking hot. Now, if I’d only had one of these babies, I could have microwaved, drained and served dinner in minutes AND not have frightened the neighbors! Chubby Cathy Mitchell makes it look so easy. Who needs my Italian mom’s recipes? Can you say free full-color recipe booklet? Plus, if I order now, she’ll cut the price in half. Kathy’s good like that. But wait… there’s more! She’ll DOUBLE my order AND throw in a bonus food chopper. It’s an offer I simply cannot refuse.


Even when I’m not sleep-deprived, I think it would be fun to own the 4 products above. But you totally have my permission to steal my wallet, drop it in a bucket of water, and stick it in the deep-freeze it if ever order the Chillow, Spray-on Nylons, or the Butler Toilet.

Friends don't let friends buy random useless crap alone.  Have YOU ever ordered anything you saw on TV?


tags: commercials, pop culture, shopping
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4 comments:

#1 Snuggie Fan said...

How could you not like the Snuggie? That's un-American! I'm sure if you only tried one, you'd love it.

Anonymous said...

Ha, your funny. I've never bought anything from TV, but I did buy a Chia Pet once!

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Snuggie Fan: Actually I had one! My ex-fiance gave me one after I had the flu last year. It's sitting in a box under the stairs at my brother's house now, but I did like it at the time. Maybe I'll replace it with a Slanket because I cannot handle the Macarena!

Anon #1: I never had a Chia Pet, but I did have something called Arid Grassman when I was in college -- it was a brown lump with a face and you watered him to grow grass for his hair. When we graduated, my roommate and I set him free in the Long Island Sound. I bet by now, he looks like a green Rapunzel.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen the Wonder File? Can't believe you aren't all over that.