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Hot Mess

I’m not saying it was hot today or anything, but I think a pigeon spontaneously combusted outside my window.

I saw a ton of pics on Facebook with the temperature on people's phones and in their cars.  It was 103, after all.  So you may wonder why you’re looking at a medicine cabinet? Well, for starters, it’s MY medicine cabinet.

You may also wonder why it’s jam-packed with 10 deodorants? That’s because I think I might smell. I don’t believe I stink or reek (yet). But I’m pretty certain I smell. I mean, who can possibly stay fresh in this heat?

I have become a Crazy Deodorant Lady.

I'm obsessed. The human underarm is like a Petri dish. It’s loaded with bacteria. Sure, I’ve tried your typical girlie deodorants. Secret, Dove, Ban, Degree, Lady Speed Stick. Child’s play. So I upgraded to clinical strength – the kind you practically need a prescription to buy.

Sniff, sniiiiiff.  Nope. Still smelly.

How could this BE? I shave and shower! Daily! Since when is that not enough?

(Side note: While I'm oversharing, I should also mention I have sensitive pits. I once tried Tom’s all-natural deodorant, which had an apricot flair and was supposed to be gentle. And it was. So gentle, in fact, that I would have had similar success rubbing an actual apricot under my arms. Turns out aluminum is a pretty important ingredient. Won't make THAT mistake again.)

So back to the medicine cabinet.  You might also be wondering why I have Degree man deodorant in there? It's because I believe I have found the solution to my problem. See the cap? That’s Bear Grylls’ mug on there – he's the Man vs Wild guy on the Discovery Channel. That dude’s climbed Everest, eaten snakes, wrestled alligators, drank urine, given himself a guano enema AND used the corpse of a dead sheep for a sleeping bag.

If it’s good enough for THAT guy, it should be able to handle my 20 minute walk to work.

Let’s pray it does the trick. If not, I will have no other choice but to resort to this… (and you know how I love infomercials -- no, really, I do -- I'm helpless to resist):

I'm particularly horrified by "Lanny F." and his "odors in special places."

So, is this TMI about BO? Do YOU have any secrets for smelling sweet in this heat?  Don't make me sweat it out.

Share below...

tags: commercials, gross, health


Roger said...

I don't believe I smell, but I made a pact a long time ago with a close friend. I told him, "Look, if I smell, you need to tell me. I won't be offended or insulted, you just need to tell me straight."

Real friends are comfortable saying "Dude, you stink."

chris said...

I don't believe you smell but that infomercial is hi-larious!

Anonymous said...

and you wonder why your single????

jessica said...

Anonymous, you're an ass.

jessica said...

And Jen, I wear my husband's deoderant all the time. He's more of an Old Spice kind of guy. :)

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Rog: That's awesome. I love that you have a stink pact. My friends and I have a "do I have something stuck in my teeth?" pact. Maybe we need a stink addendum.

Chris: Isn't it awesome? I laugh out loud at Lanny every time.

Anon: Actually, I do wonder why I'm single. I think I'm pretty awesome! And clearly, you do too, or you wouldn't bother reading my blog. Maybe the better question here is... why don't you know the difference between "your" and "you're"?

Jess: Thanks love. And glad to know you sport the Spice.