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Something Foul Is Afoot

The unofficial start to summer is upon us, and that can mean only one thing.


Sure, it ALSO means sunshine and ice cream, sprinklers and rainbows. But mostly, it’s time to unleash your pasty white dogs. This is my least favorite aspect of the season.

Let's face facts: Most of us should never allow our feet to see the light of day.

Case in point: I got in the elevator the other day at work, next to a guy in Tevas. I won’t go into the 7,803 the things wrong with that statement, except to say that the posh company I work for is also home to the world’s top fashion magazines. Frankly, I’m amazed he made it past security in those sweaty hogs.

I could have sworn we had a shitty shoe alarm.

Anyway, his feet were crazy looking.  I've never seen anything like them.

His toes were so flat and spread apart that you could literally fit another toe inbetween each one. It’s like they knew how ugly they looked, they got scared, they tried to get as far away from the next one as possible, and then they all got run over by a truck. But the worst part was his toenails. They were approximately 64% longer than my fingernails.

Hey, could someone hold my hair for a sec?


Anyway, it’s no wonder he had sandals on, because there is no way regular shoes could contain those funky toes.

In light of this unwanted encounter, I feel I am doing a public service by addressing summer feet now, before they get totally out of hand.

For the love of Dr. Scholl, hide your peds if they fit ANY of the following categories:

>> Frat Feet: are covered in bar sludge/beer from the night before
>> Hippie Feet (aka Jesus Feet): have dirty soles from walking barefoot in public
>> Middle Finger Feet: have a 2nd toe that is longer than the big toe
>> Shrimp Cocktail Feet: have toes that curl under from being jammed into small shoes
>> Snack Feet: have toenails that look chewed on
>> Athlete Feet: have black and/or missing toenails
>> Troll Feet: are disfigured by bunions and corns
>> Ogre Feet: (see Troll Feet, add toe jam)
>> Finger Toes Feet: are so long they look like they could hold a knife and fork
>> Toe-Fro Feet: are hairy
>> Hobo Nail Feet: have chipped polish
>> Sock Booger Feet: have pieces of lint stuck to them, lodged between toes
>> Smeet: are smelly feet

Be thankful I spared you a picture of my own feet in this post and went with my sandals instead.  Nobody needs to see that, primarily because my feet fit no less than 3 of the categories above.  Embarassing, but true.

Can YOU guess which ones? 

Are you close-minded about open-toed shoes?  Kick your foot phobias below (toe-suckers need not reply -- save YOUR fetishes for a shrink).   

PS: NEVER EVER EVER do a Google image search for feet.  I can't even.  Just trust me.  Don't. 

tags: gross


Anonymous said...

finger toes feet
middle finger feet
hobo nail feet


Kevin said...

You're a funny girl. I guess your feet are probably fine, but I'll play along:

Sock Booger Feet
Toe Fro Feet
MIddle Finger Feet

Also, you should add Fashion Victim Feet for those girls who wear flip-flips in the city and then switch to high heels outside the office.

Anonymous said...

I HATE FEET!!!!!!!!!

Jessica said...

Wow you have alot of shoes! If you aren't wearing them please send them my way, I have pretty feet ;-)

Chris said...

MY EYES!!!!!!!! Why oh why didnt I listen to you!!!! Damn you Google Images!!!!! I'm not sure which is worse, "feet" or "foot". NasTEE.

Poet said...

My feet, my feet,
I love my feet.
I think they're great,
I think they're neat.
They're pretty, pink,
and picturesque.
They look so perfect
on my desk.
sad to tell,
they also have
a funny smell.
So though I'm fast,
and though I'm fleet,
and though at sports
I can't be beat,
no team will pick
me to compete,
because they always
smell defeat.

Chris said...

The only thing foul at this stage is this stale blog. Write, Woman! Thank you.

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Anon #1 & Kevin: Nope. Here's my list, it's a real treat:
Shrimp Cocktail Feet
Troll Feet
And yes, I have a touch of Middle Finger Feet, but only on the right one.

Anon #2: ME TOO!!!

Jess: If you wear giant size 10 clodhoppers, I'll send them your way, but I'm guessing you have human-sized feet.

Chris: I warned you!

Poet: Nice job! I wrote a post about stinky pits last summer, feel free to leave a limerick or haiku over there.