original Dallas on DVD, PLUS 3 barely watchable made-for-TV movies. I know this because I got most of them for her, and we’ve seen every single Southfork-loving second.
If you can’t remember Dallas, you are too young to be reading this blog. I’m sure there’s a Lunchable in the fridge with your name on it. Go find it.
And save the fruit rollup for me.
For the rest of us grown-ups who’ve been to this rodeo before, but plumb forgot who shot JR or why Bobby’s death was a dream, here’s what y’all need to know:
It started in 1978. I was 5.
The story revolved around the Ewings, a filthy rich Texas family in the oil and ranching business. Miss Ellie and leathery Jock had 3 sons: JR, Bobby, and Gary (who was boring and got shipped off to Knots Landing). Oh, and cranky ranch hand Ray Krebs was a half-brother with a snaggletooth. Oil-baron JR married Sue Ellen, a former Miss Texas and the original desperate housewife. When he wasn’t busy cheating on her with anything that moved, he was locking her up in rehab for the raging alcoholism that his cheating brought on. Sweet. Somewhere in there they had a kid, John Ross, who was a chip off the old saddle. Bobby had an enormous head, but was probably a hottie for his time. His first love was Pam, but she was the daughter of the Ewing’s arch-enemy, drunk wildcatter, Digger Barnes. Her brother, Cliff, was all hat, no cattle -- spending his whole life miserably trying to one-up JR. He also ate nothing but Chinese takeout. Pammy's womb was dry as an abandoned oil well, so they adopted Christopher, who never quite measured up to the Ewing name.
Then a bunch of other stuff happened because they had 14 whole seasons to fill.
Dallas was synonymous with cliffhangers, backstabbers, schemers, womanizers, cheaters, secrets, shoulder pads, and huge hair. Could the new one hold a candle? After all, you can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make ‘em biscuits!
Well, I'm happy to report, it lives up to the legacy. Here’s 5 reasons I’m headed to The Big D every Wednesday night:
1. The show is actually GOOD -- the way pimiento cheese is good.
2. Most of the principal actors (minus, of course, Victoria “Too Cool for School” Principal) are back in all their gray and wrinkly glory. Miss Ellie didn’t raise no fools!
3. JR, and his eyebrows, are a force of nature. Don’t let his new-found love of nursing home Jell-O fool you. Those brows look like devil horns. He’s up to no good, just the way we like it.
4. The one-liners are still delicious: “Blood's thicker than water, but oil's thicker than both.” Yee-haw!
5. New Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) is easy on the eyes. Just ignore his non-southern accent and the fact that he’s been in a lab in Asia researching alternative energy solutions (seriously, making an entire season a dream was more believable than this).
Still not up for the trip to the Lone Star State? Well, GET in the mood with the theme song. You are dead inside if this doesn’t set your toes tapping:
Turns out you CAN go home again! Now, fix yourself a Bourbon & Branch and kick your boots off.
Who knows what JR’s eyebrows will do next…
So, will YOU be watching? Are you Team JR or Team Bobby? Spill yer guts below...