We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

new york looks prettiest from new jersey

I was walking home from work last night, and a lady stopped me on the corner of 42nd and Madison.

She mumbled something I didn't quite hear. 

At first I pretended not to understand English, as I often do when approached on the street by strangers.  But then the light changed and we were trapped together. 

She spoke again. "Where do you get your hair done?"

I looked around for a camera.  Was this a joke?  The last time I got my hair cut was in August before I went to the White House.  The last time I colored it was last April (you may recall John Frieda did me wrong).  And you KNOW I've let a few grays slip past the goalie.

What could possibly be so appealing about my 'do?

She persisted, "Where did you get your ombre hair color done?" 

That made me laugh.

I leaned in and dropped a truth-bomb on her.  "You call it ombre, I call it roots.  I haven't dyed my hair in over a year -- this is what happens."

She looked confused.  Then the light changed and I walked away feeling all good that I just saved this chick $300 bucks on an expensive dye-job that she could get for free if she just neglected her locks like I do.

It got me thinking that there are tons of beauty truths out there that nobody tells you.  Now that I'm a beauty blogger too, I feel a quasi-professional duty to shed some light.

Ladies and gents... listen up:
  • Don't Shave Between Your Eyebrows
    This goes for everybody.  It may seem efficient, but you are way better off plucking periodically so they don't all grow back at once.  Failure to do so will leave you looking like the love child of Frida Kahlo and Hugh Acheson (look it up).

  • Hairy Guys Are a Good Thing
    Women are supposed to be the ones with a hair-free chest, not men.  I'll take a guy who looks like he's got a bath mat sewn to his back over a guy who looks all creepy-smooth like a Ken doll ANY day.

  • Many Women Do Not Wash Their Hair Every Day
    This is ok.

  • Many People Do Not Wash Their Hands After Using the Restroom
    This is NOT ok.  Beat it, Fecal Fingers!

  • People Want to Know If They Have Food In Their Teeth
    Give it a minute to shake out naturally.  If that doesn't happen, stage an intervention.  Better to hear it now and suffer a mild humiliation, then go through the whole day with a hunk of spinach wedged between your choppers.  And while we're at it -- if you spy some nasal guacamole, for the love of Kleenex, speak up!

  • Tattoos Look Terrible When You Are Old
    That tribal band around your bicep.  That dainty butterfly on the small of your back.  That name written in pretty script on your wrist.  It all seems like a good idea when you're young.  But it's not a long-term play.  Nobody likes a Gramp Stamp. 

  • Most Women Can't Pull Off The Smokey Eye Look
    Sure, it looks great on the red carpet.  But in the real world, it looks like a hooker was punched in the face by a raccoon. Step away from the shadow and just say no.

  • Fake Tans Always Look Fake.  Always.
    Nothing that comes from a bottle, spray can, or tanning bed can make you look like you spent a week at the beach.  It can, however, make you look like you spent a week at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory scaring fat, greedy kids.  Oompa loompa doopedy do.

  • 99.995% of the Time, Plastic Surgery Also Looks Fake
    It's called plastic for a reason.  There's nothing natural about it.  If it makes you feel better, go for it.  Live your life.  But if you really want to look younger, just cut bangs.  That does the trick.  Every.  Single.  Time.


Ahhh.  Doesn't that feel better?  Don't stop now -- tell me YOUR beauty truths below...


tags: beauty
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3 comments:

chris said...

Yeah! A new post. Boooo! No pict of the "Ombre" hair

Anonymous said...

heres a truth...... most women can't pull off red lipstick and chipped nails look bad

natural beauty is the way to go!!!!

Anonymous said...

THIS IS FUNNY