How the Hell Is John Stamos 50?

Am I the only person who sits through every Dannon Oikos commercial just to watch this guy?

 

He recently had a birthday, much like someone else I know.  Guess how old he is?

 

FIFTY!!!

How the hell is John Stamos 50?!?  I guess, the same way I'm 40...  Oy.

I was just 9 years old when brooding Blackie burst on the scene in Port Charles and I've been smitten ever since.  I seriously think I've watched every show he's been on -- even the bad ones (Jake in Progress, anyone?).  Now, I'm watching Necessary Roughness just because he joined the cast. 

The show?  So-so.  But Stamos?  Good as ever.

The closest I've ever come to this Greek (yogurt) God was about 10 years ago when my mom and I saw him on Broadway in Cabaret.  Even as the emaciated Emcee he was adorable.  Mischievous.  Charming.  AND, he took a sip from a glass of water on OUR table when he was mingling in the crowd. 

It was like our very own MasterCard commercial.  Priceless.

Anyway, I've always preferred older guys.  Here's my list of celebrity crushes, who coincidentally happen to be over 40.  They're listed in age order, with Stamos on top, because, well... you know...

John Stamos
Age: 50
Sign: Leo
From: California
Height: 6' (thank God!)
Status: single? (call me)
Best role: 2 words... Uncle. Jesse.
Close second: Dr. Tony Gates on ER. 
Stars are people too: he had a job flipping burgers after-school

Jon Hamm
Age: 42
Sign: Pisces
From: Missouri
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Dr. Drew Baird in 30 Rock
Close second: Don Draper in Mad Men
Stars are people too: he played Winnie the Pooh in a first-grade play

Jason Bateman
Age: 44
Sign: Capricorn
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Michael Bluth on Arrested Development
Close second: Derek Taylor on Silver Spoons
Stars are people too: he never graduated high school

Paul Rudd
Age: 44
Sign: Aries
From: New Jersey
Height: 5' 10"
Status: married
Best role: Mike Hannigan in Friends
Close second: Josh in Clueless
Stars are people too: he was a DJ at Bar Mitzvahs

Ed Burns
Age: 45
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Finbar McMullen in Brothers McMullen
Close second: Michael Murphy in Purple Violets
Stars are people too: he owned a Ford Explorer

John Cusack
Age: 47
Sign: Cancer
From: Illinois
Height: 6'2"
Status: single?
Best role: Rob Gordon in High Fidelity
Close second: Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead (thought I'd say Lloyd Dobler, huh?)
Stars are people too: he goes to his high school reunions

Kyle Chandler
Age: 47
Sign: Virgo
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Coach Eric Taylor in Friday Night Lights
Close second: nothing else comes close
Stars are people too: he worked as a nightclub bouncer

Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Age: 47
Sign: Taurus
From: Washington
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Denny Duquette in Gray's Anatomy
Close second: Ike Evans in Magic City
Stars are people too: he's a huge Seahawks fan

Robert Downey Jr.
Age: 48
Sign: Aries
From: New York
Height: 5'8"
Status: married (good thing, I could never date someone this short)
Best role: Larry Paul in Ally McBeal
Close second: Tony Stark in Iron Man
Stars are people too: he tattooed "Suzie Q" on his arm in honor of his wife

Dermot Mulroney
Age: 49
Sign: Scorpio
From: Virginia
Height: 5'9"
Status: married
Best role: Michael O'Neal in My Best Friend's Wedding
Close second: Russell in New Girl
Stars are people too: he graduated from Northwestern

John Slattery
Age: 51
Sign: Leo
From: Massachusetts
Height: 5'10"
Status: married
Best role: Roger Sterling in Mad Men
Close second: Bill Kelley in Sex & the City
Stars are people too: he was one of six kids






Also, honorary cradle-robbing mention goes to these 3 fine fellas:

Jimmy Fallon
Age: 38
Sign:Virgo
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Weekend Update Anchor in Saturday Night Live
Close second: Ben in Fever Pitch
Stars are people too: his first stand-up routine was about Troll Dolls

Bradley Cooper
Age: 38
Sign: Capricorn
From: Pennsylvania
Height: 6'1"
Status: single?
Best role: Will Tippin in Alias
Close second: Phil in The Hangover
Stars are people too: he is fluent in French

Jerry O'Connell
Age: 39
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'2"
Status: married
Best role: Vern Tessio in Stand By Me
Close second: Joe in Joe's Apartment
Stars are people too: he was an RA at NYU






Notice any patterns?   Yes.  Good thing I set the bar low, or I might be single forever. 

Oh, wait...

So, did I get it right with this list of dateable dudes (if only in my mind)?  See anyone I missed?  List YOUR full house below...


tags: dating, entertainment, pop culture