The Dating Pool Is Awfully Shallow

So I did it. You wore me down. Are you proud of yourselves?

I bit the bullet and joined Match, eHarmony, and Chemistry (I told you I would). I took personality quizzes, cropped photos, and wrote profiles that don’t even BEGIN to scratch the surface on who I am.

I’m quickly finding it’s not hard at all to get responses – guys are no different online than they are at your friendly neighborhood construction site. What IS difficult, however, is finding someone you’d even like to share an elevator with, let alone anything else.

Now, I’m no walk in the park. I know I’m particular. And quirky. Some might even say, I can be a handful (anyone remember the spring break travel agent who cursed, “God help the man who marries you”?). But tell me you wouldn’t rather be alone forever than be with ANY of the following guys?

Keep in mind, these are ACTUAL snippets from profiles of heterosexual men who winked, broke the ice, or otherwise initiated conversation with me – and they are just the tip of a very freaky iceberg:

Guy 1: “I love animals and have a cat of my own. If I could adopt all the cats in the world, I would, because I really love cats and my own cat is like my child.”

Guy 2: “I want to hug at least on one evening in the week. Everything less would be too cruel and I would cry and scream and leave the house with our Chihuahua.”

Guy 3: “I walk after work to relieve the stress from my job. I’m tired of teaching, it was having too much of a stress level on me dealing with 60 teenagers a day, all at once. Until I decide what I want to do I’ll substitute teach, as it much less stressful on me and my doctors say I need to reduce stress.”

Guy 4: “I am averse to pets. I don’t like the smells, hairs, and the fact that they reduce your ability to go out spontaneously. Pets are as loveable as an ingrown toenail. If you have a pet of any kind (yes, even fish), you should stop reading now.”

Guy 5: “I love murder mystery's. They allow me to getaway with something without repercussions and keep my brains active trying to figure out who dund it.”

Guy 6: “I hated women for while because I am divorced. But have successfully worked through ALL issues, there’s no baggage.”

Guy 7: “I am an only child, I am adopted, and I have a little toy poodle that I just adore.”

Guy 8: “I am officially separated, but do not let that put you off. My divorce will be final in less than six months. I’m not sure yet what is happening with the house, so I am bunking with friends.”

Guy 9: “I'm very much into dancing and tried ballroom, Argentine tango and salsa dancing before deciding that I like swing dancing the best. I've been to swing dance camps.”

Guy 10: “I am an avid stamp collector.”

Consider yourselves lucky that I didn’t post the pictures that go along with these gems. Let’s just say, I’ve seen a bunch of cats dressed in sweaters, photos of nature (why, exactly?), a few guys waxing cars, and several short bald dudes holding big fish (or rifles).

Umm…I’m thinking, no.

Am I being shallow?