As Seen on TV

Did I ever tell you about the time I bought a ham at 2am?

I saw it on TV, late one night, a few weeks before Easter. It was the most delicious-looking spiral-sliced hunk’o’heaven I’d ever seen. It was like meat porn, courtesy of the Honey Baked Ham Company. Before I could say oink, I was calling their toll-free number, wallet in hand -- while the “Operator Standing By” sweet-talked me into adding biscuits to my order.

My point is, I am a consumer at heart -- always have been. Maybe that’s why I’m in marketing. I’m a sucker for a good ad. And sometimes a bad one. I mean, who buys TV hams at 2am?! But knowing me, as you do, you will not be surprised to hear that when my unbridled consumerism meets my television obsession, the result is a truly explosive combination.

The “As Seen on TV” phenomenon probably started with The Clapper. Now, I never bought a Clapper (probably because I was, like, 12), but don’t think for a second that I wasn’t tempted! And while some products are just plain weird -- like that plastic case that helps you clean your baseball caps in the dishwasher -- others seem worth every penny, plus S+H.

So beware burly UPS guy -- here’s a few irresistible items that you just might be bringing to my door...

The Slap Chop: “Stop having boring tuna,” enthusiastic pitchman, Vince, shouts. “Stop having a boring life!” Oh Vince, you know me so well. This is basically a low-tech Magic Bullet, so you can still eat when the power goes out. But who doesn’t dream of chopping nuts in a slap? I want to make salsa with one finger. And for me, “Graty,” the sidekick cheese grater, just seals the deal.

The Big City Slider Station: Billy Mays, of the Oxi-Clean fame, is the slick salesman behind the Slider Station. You can scoop and smash your way to 5 mini burgers cooked at once, without all that pesky flipping (which, incidentally, is made to look SO difficult, it’s a wonder every burger ever made didn’t first fall on the floor). Bottom line: Small foods make you feel like a giant and are fun to eat.

The Snuggie (or its more expensive cousin, The Slanket): It’s a blanket with sleeves! Or… a backwards robe. But I AM always cold. And it IS difficult to read a book when my hands are “trapped inside” an ordinary blanket. You just have to be careful what color you choose. Maroon makes you look like a monk, blue like a wizard.

Smooth Away: I’m not sure why anyone would want to remove all the hair on their arms (better to let sleeping dogs lie). But as someone who once bought the feminine torture device known as the Epilady, and watched in horror as its metal coils ripped out every other hair on my leg, buffing away unwanted hair with superfine crystals sounds pretty benign. My only question is, do you get a rash from all the rubbing?

ShamWow! : Do I really waste $20 a month on paper towels? If Vince says so, it must be true. He also says this cottony little rag holds 20x its weight in liquid. And I get eight of them! That last for 10 years! So not only can I spill an entire 2-liter bottle of soda on my rug, I’m also helping save the Earth. Sounds awe-sham.

Now I’m not great at the whole self-control thing. So if I ever order the unbelievably ugly Buxton Organizer or the Shuffles Shoe Mop (“Clean while you walk!”, says friendly Englishman, Anthony Sullivan), please confiscate all my credit cards. Checkbook too, just to be safe.

Have bearded Billy Mays and his cohorts ever wooed you? Do tell below!