My Jersey Valentine

February 14th gives me acid reflux.

You can’t avoid it, even if you try, mainly because Hallmark’s bought every other commercial, declaring it the day we say, “I love us.” Or else it’s Kay Jewelers, the Leo Diamond, and marriage proposals in Chinese, Spanish, AND English. Every kiss may begin with Kay but every commercial ends with me throwing up a little in my mouth.

As you know, I’ve recently (reluctantly) reentered the dating scene. Virtually at least. And I can confirm that there’s no shortage of freaks waiting to meet me. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But since I’m waaay out of practice, I’ve decided it would be prudent to take a few lessons from people who have had FAR more experience with the opposite sex than I have.

I’m speaking, of course, of the cast from The Jersey Shore.

I snuggled up on my couch yesterday and read both Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore AND The Rules According to JWoww: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death, and Kicking the Competition to the Curb. To call this a Master Class would be an understatement. I even took notes! 

Consider it my valentine to you.

Absorbing the dating advice in these ghost-written treasures took ALL my brain power. So to fuel my studies, I also ate a box of the most scrumptious mini cupcakes on Earth and watched Valentine’s Day and I Hate Valentine’s Day. I like to cover an issue from all angles.

I would also like to learn to “crush it 24/7.”

So single friends, we’re about to get schooled from 2 individuals who know a LOT about VDay (and also, perhaps, VD)…

ON PHYSICAL ASSETS
Sitch: “Milky white abs make chicks want to puke. Slicked up abdominals encourage the ladies to slip and slide.”
JWoww: “You can’t go wrong with cleavage.”

ON HAIR
Sitch: “Don’t be going to Supercuts. You want a barber who’s craft is cutting hair. It’s his art. He needs to wake up each morning thinking about cutting hair the same way I’m thinking about hitting the gym -- with passion.”
JWoww: “Humidity will make you poodle up.”

ON PERSONAL GROOMING
Sitch: “At a minimum, you’re going to want to shave your chest and six-pack. I trim, but don’t fully shave, my armpits."
JWoww: “An acrylic French mani is a must. No chips or smudges; your fingers should be flawless. Until you bust one scratching some bitch’s eyes out.”

ON CLOTHING
Sitch: “If you’re having difficulty deciding whether or not to purchase a particular garment, there is one sure-fire method left at your disposal. Put the magnetic security tag gently to your ear. If you can hear the faint, distant thumping of bumping club music, buy it.”
JWoww: “If I had to label my personal style, I would say it’s 'Sexy Sophisticated.' Some critics have dubbed it, 'Stripper Chic' -- and I can live with that.”

ON ACCESSORIES
Sitch: “Some cutting edge shirts today include a necklace integrated into the garment itself. If you think this means you don’t have to wear a separate, standalone necklace, you couldn’t be more wrong."
JWoww: “Never leave home without a change of panties. They could come in handy.”

ON PICKUP LINES
Sitch: “So many bros get all hung up on pickup lines, as if it really matters what you say to a girl. If you’ve chosen your target correctly, the first thing you say to her is merely a formality.”
JWoww: “Here’s a no-pressure opener that will get the conversation going: 'Hi.' (Basically, that’s about all a guy needs to hear to get his attention.)”

ON MS/MR WRONG
Sitch: “Nine out of ten times, the grenade is a grenade because she’s ugly and fat.”
JWoww: “Learn to spot a man-whore a mile away. This is a necessity. It will save you time, energy, and aggravation.”

ON DATING
Sitch: “If you roll up to a place out of the blue, having never been there before and having done zero recon, that’s the moment your date will know you’re a clown. Maybe you’ve been to the Olive Garden in Tom’s River, but does that mean you can trust the Olive Garden in Eatontown will be just as classy? Do you know for a fact that the chicken scampi will be succulent and the breadsticks unlimited at this strange new Olive Garden? No, dude, you don’t.”
JWoww: “If he’s interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab. No cheap bastard makes a good boyfriend. And if he doesn’t know what a florist is, dump him.”

ON ROMANCE
Sitch: “When you bring a chick from the club back to your shore house, things should progress quickly from there. It’s the Jacuzzi, and then up to your private quarters for some pounding out. After you’ve done your work, you need your rest.”
JWoww: “Reheated pasta never tastes the same. When you serve it as leftovers on Tuesday, it just aint as good. The same goes for relationships. All that’s gonna come from getting back with an ex is heartburn.”

ON THE MORNING AFTER
Sitch: “I need to be aware at all times of the whereabouts of possessions like my cell, wallet, and jewelry. Believe it or not, some girls steal things as a memento of our experience together, as if smooshing wasn’t enough.”
JWoww: “It is a hard-and-fast rule that a Guido will never wife-up a one-nighter.”

A FINAL WORD ON BECOMING MS RIGHT
Sitch: “Once you get beyond the riff-raff at the club (ie: grenade launchers, zoo creatures, hypnotic hyenas, trash bags, etc), girls break down into five categories, from sleeper to keeper:

• Fifth class: purely physical attraction with little to no emotional attachments
• Fourth class: not cute enough to take her places where she’ll be seen, so watch movies on her couch
• Third class: good-looking on the wrong side of gorgeous, take her out but spend your time in the dark
• Second class: a girl you invite to dinner, giving her the full benefit of your GTL rituals
• First class: beautiful, smart, classy, and cooks a mean chicken cutlet -- this is no chick, this is a lady”

So there you have it, sage advice straight from the experts. Makes me proud to call Jersey home. And thankful I can, in fact, cook a mean chicken cutlet. Maybe there’s hope, after all.

You know, all this knowledge is exhilarating!

I feel like I want to conquer new subjects -- like getting my finances in order! I wonder if MC Hammer’s written an investment manual?


tags: dating, holidays, jersey