Dear Cough,

Please go away.

I haven’t been sick since May 2010.  I had bronchitis.  Maybe you remember? I sure do because I got dumped that week.  Since then, healthy as a horse!

That is, until last month when YOU came around.  Jerk.

I flew into Del Boca Vista and my throat started feeling a little funny.  Before long, I had coughing fits.  Hack, hack, hack, hack, haaaaack. Gasp for breath. Hack, hack.

Then came the chills.  Then the aches.  Never the green boogers. Then everything went away.

But YOU stuck around.

That was 4 weeks ago!  Officially, my lungs are clear and I had a severe upper respiratory infection.  Unofficially, I’ve got a huge pain in the ass.

I’ve taken full rounds of Delsym, Mucinex, Alleve Cold & Sinus, vitamin C, prescription cough pills AND cough syrup with Codeine, Z-packs, and more mentholated Halls than I can count.  That last one actually helps, for a minute (more on that below). 

Now, I’m on the Zyrtec.

Yes, I can hear you laughing.  I know it’s too early for seasonal allergies, but I’m at my wit’s end. I cough so much I’ve given myself a headache, which, incidentally, I treat with Advil liqui-gels. It doesn’t help that I’ve been on 5 flying germ farms (aka planes) during this time. And I had to give not one, but TWO, presentations in front of 100 people! Nothing says classy like coughing into a microphone.

But you knew that.

Also, attention makers of Pine Bros. chewy cough drops: You stink.  I don’t know why Martha Stewart is shilling for you.  I bought you in a haze of nostalgia and sickness and you did nothing but turn my tongue red.  You immediately disintegrate as though my saliva were made of acid.  And somehow you manage to both be bland AND taste horrible.  A rare skill.

I want my $4 back.

In other cough drop news, Luden’s you look and taste like a Jolly Rancher, which does nothing for me and rots my teeth. Riccola, you taste like a cherry covered in grass and you did zilch for my tickly throat.

My best bet is your archenemy, Hall’s.  I love you in all your sugar-free glory.  Keep fighting the good fight.

NOT in health,
The Girl Who Can’t Stop Coughing


tags: health, rants