We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

new york looks prettiest from new jersey

I would imagine your workplace isn’t as royally-infused as mine.

For instance, are your colleagues (who aren't stationed in London) hosting a sleepover to watch Wills and Kate's nuptials? Or designing cool royal manicures? Do you plan to have tea and scones in your conference room tomorrow to review the play-by-play? Or has anyone cooked up an entire wedding watching menu chock-a-block with British fare?

I’m guessing no.

While I am slightly bitter that Kate stole my sapphire engagement ring idea (which I, incidentally, stole from Diana, the original trendsetter and owner of that 18-carat rock), I still can’t help but get a little swept into the hoopla too.

Just for a minute.

Ok, maybe TEN minutes. Max. Like when I played Princess Yourself the first time. Or the second time. Or the third time.  Or made myself into a royal stamp. Or gave myself a royal name.  Please note: I hereto forthwith shall evermore be known as Lady Jennifer Eugenia Gaonachton of Pine Brookport.

Smashing!

I’m not, however, sold on the idea of waking up at 4am to watch the wedding. In fact, I think if my own brother asked me to watch his wedding at 4am I’d tell him to… bugger off. But there are plenty of ways to participate, if you didn’t receive a faxed (seriously, faxed?) save-the-date or your gold-embossed invitation (one of 1900) got lost in the mail.

Here’s my 15-step plan for the festivities. You are cordially invited to follow it too…


STEP 1: Eat Easter Candy

God save the Queen-sized box of Peeps that's airing out on my table until it's nice and stale.  I will be too busy trying to find my own version of the Kate Middleton jellybean look-a-like.  I think that's a peach Jelly Belly.  I'm sure it's in my basket somewhere.


STEP 2: Learn What's Going On Inside Prince William and Catherine's Heads 

After coming up empty-handed in the jellybean department, I will spend some time on eBay bidding for a limited edition William & Kate PEZ Set.  I imagine when I am old(er), I will also enjoy taking my fiber supplements from these whimsical dispensers.






STEP 3: Meet the Royal Family

Better than paper dolls, and far less creepy than blowups, I'm choosing to Knit My Own Royal Wedding so I can play along at home.  They make even Prince Charles and the Queen Mum look downright cuddly.  Plus, this is a skill I feel will come in handy down the line, as it will be perfect practice for when I am forced to knit my own husband and children.





STEP 4: Hydrate

The Royal Wedding is a marathon, not a sprint.  As such, I will overcome my aversion to hot beverages and pour myself a spot of tea, using my KaTEA and William Tea Bags.  I will giggle politely as I watch them bob up and down in a brown bath.





STEP 5: Eat a Tiara

I'll leave wearing crowns to Burger King.  Me?  I prefer eating them, which is why I will consume an entire box of Eleni’s Royal Wedding Biscuits, which includes, of course, a bejeweled tiara.  I will feel only slightly bad eating Will and Kate's heads.  I hope they don't taste like marmite.


STEP 6: Save Room for Pizza

I will try not to spoil my appetite, and leave room in my stomach for Papa John’s Royal Wedding Pizza. I'm particularly fond of William's pepperoni uniform, and will vow to eat that part last.



STEP 7: Vomit

The blend of jellybeans, PEZ, tea, cookies, and pizza will not sit well in my tummy.  Luckily, I'll have a Royal Wedding Toilet Seat so I can upchuck in a manner befitting a princess.  This cheeky loo décor gives new meaning to the word “throne” and will allow me to evacuate Buckingham Palace to make room for more treats later on. Can I jam more innuendo in here?  Yes.  Talk about a royal flush!


STEP 8: Get All Gussied Up

Some people may think it's appropriate to wear fancy hats or morning coats to Westminster Abbey.  But remember, I'm from Jersey.  So of course, I'm going straight for the Royal Nail Decals




STEP 9: Get My Drink On

Now it's time to get serious.  The happy couple may have banned beer from their reception, but you can bet I'll be hitting the local pub to guzzle a sixpack of Kiss Me Kate Beer in their honor.  (Does anyone think Ms. Middleton looks a lot like Lauren Conrad, or is that just the beer talking?)




STEP 10: Cheers!

I'd get pretty plastered if I did a shot for every year I haven't walked down the aisle (roughly 37.5).  Slightly less depressing, though, would be to play the Royal Wedding Drinking Game.  Simply take a sip of beer each time I see a duke, duchess, or a sword?  Oh, that sounds like MUCH more fun, and gives me a brand new excuse to love my iPhone.






STEP 11: Vomit Again

Damn those dukes, duchesses, and swords -- they're everywhere!  Of course, the Kiss Me Kate will come right back up.  Luckily, I have my very own, highly portable Royal Wedding Barf Bag.  They also come in blue or a 2-pack of gold and purple, which frankly, are too posh to use.






STEP 12: Get a Room

I'll be pretty tuckered out after all that gallivanting about in the pub.  Good thing I've got Royal Bed-ding.  Who says you can't wear Kate's navy blue engagement dress AND wake up next to a prince?






STEP 13: Make a New Friend

Tradition says that Will and Kate won't be kissing at the end of their wedding ceremony, and neither should I.  But just incase I lose my head and there's a frog next to me under those princely sheets, it might be a good idea to keep some Crown Jewels in my purse next to the barf bag.  It's birth control fit for a king!






STEP 14: Papa Don't Preach

You know, novelty condoms are never a good idea.  So in the event that these weren't up for the challenge and I accidentally produce an heir to the throne, Royal Pacifiers could be in my future.





STEP 15: Find a Proper Baby Daddy

Let's hope my baby has red hair.  That will make it a LOT easier to pass it off as Harry's.  This Princely Mousepad will help me keep my mission top-of-mind.  Do you think the royals are on eHarmony?










So... if you're still reading all this nonsense, who's with me??

No one?  Ok.

Well, did you know that Prince William’s last name is Mountbatten-Windsor? Or that his full title is His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter Master of Arts?

That must be a bitch to sign. 

I should probably start practicing Prince Harry's name now.  For the birth certificate.


tags: holidays, pop culture, work
Share/Bookmark

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Two questions: 1) Is your middle name really Eugenie and 2) How did you possibly miss Royal Wedding Cat Food???

http://www.catfoodfactory.com/the-royal-wedding-cat-food-to-buy-now

jessica said...

It was just beautiful and so romantic. I think his mother would have been proud. What did you think of her dress?

Anonymous said...

U always make me laff!

Anonymous said...

U always make me laff! :-)

Jenny From The 'Brook said...

Anon #1: No, my middle name is not Eugenie. I'm also not a Lady (in the Royal sense, anyway). Thanks for posting that cat food link -- funny!

Jess: Thought her dress was just beautiful.

Anon #2/3: Thanks!