We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

new york looks prettiest from new jersey

10/24/2013

Dear Verizon,

Remember back in 2011 when I wrote an open letter to Steve Jobs wishing he would allow you to carry the supercool  iPhone?  And remember when my wish came true and you totally stuffed it in AT&T's face?

(You're welcome, by the way.)

And recall, if you will, how I was a complete crazyperson who went online at 3am to order the moment it went on sale? 

Well, on Sept 20th, guess who was online once again at 3am to order the much-anticipated, highly-coveted, all-around-super shiny new toy known as the Gold iPhone 5S?

Me.

Well, Verizon, this time you stink.  Like a giant robot skunk. 

Buying the new gold iPhone from your website was a horrible experience.  And I'm not even talking about the fact that I slept on a loveseat next to my laptop and my wallet with the alarm on my original Verizon Wireless iPhone 4 set to wake me up to the sounds of Marimba at 2:55am. 

That sounds nutz. 

Nor, am I referring to the fact that I was still cozy and groggy at 3am so I was blinded by my laptop because I didn't get up to turn on a light.  No.

Here's why:

1. I was lured in with false promises of discounts.
When you called me TWELVE times a day for the last TWO months and neglected to leave a single message, and stalked me on my cell (once again messageless), AND bombed my inbox with lovenotes were you being coy?  You teased me with visions of $50 discounts.  You used the word "eligible."  And yet, not only did I pay full price, I was somehow charged a $30 network UPGRADE fee.  WTF VZW?

2. The ordering process was designed to trick me.
No way, you say?  Ok, then why did I find myself swept into a promotion that promised I would pay a mere $29 instead of $199?  And I could upgrade to a new phone any time I want?  Sounds good!  But the ridiculously small fine print explains if you take that friendly-sounding deal, you actually pay $29/mo for TWO YEARS, also known as SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.  Why would I spend $700 to save $170?  I might be sleepy, but I'm not stupid.

3. You took away my unlimited data plan.
This was like a poke in the eye.  You hurled all kinds of confusing options at me.  They  had ambiguous names.  And fees.  But you were crystal clear about one thing -- by upgrading I was losing my unlimited data plan.  I guess the $17.1 BILLION you collected on services last quarter alone doesn't cut it. Thanks.

4. You gave me a shipping date, then postponed it.
So I got through all that nonsense and my order was received by 3:18am on 9/20.  I know this because you sent me an email at that exact time, indicating my new phone would ship by 9/24.  I was ok with that.  On 9/24, the only thing I received was another email from you with a delayed shipment notice.  And the new date was THIRTEEN DAYS LATER.  I'm sorry, did you not have enough inventory to fill 18 MINUTES worth of sales?  Who could possibly predict anybody would want this phone?!  Everyone.  This enraged me.

5. Your customer service person laughed when I called to complain.
After several automated prompts, I got to a person.  Somehow with all the technology you have, the account number I entered at the beginning of my call could not make the long journey to the man on the other end of the line.  So I gave it again.  And he pulled up my order.  And he stuttered.  And stammered.  Then he asked, "Which model did you order, ma'am?" When I told him the gold one, he laughed.  And not a chuckle, or a snort.  It was a belly laugh followed by this, "I call that one Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket.  You're lucky your order even went through.  People ordering now won't get their phones until November."  Comforting that I should feel lucky to spend $250 on a phone that's arriving late.

6. When it finally did come, your installation materials were not helpful.
Somehow it arrived later than scheduled, but earlier than delayed.  Stop playing with my emotions!  Now, here's a tip, marketer to marketer: when you enclose a giant red folder that shouts START HERE on the cover, the top page inside shouldn't be an ad for accessories to go with my new phone.  Maybe next time, follow this urgency with the thing I should actually read -- like the importance of backing up every last speck of my data.

7. THIS ONE'S FOR APPLE: Three words... Not. Gold. Enough.
75% of the back and the edges does not a gold iPhone make.  The minute I pop a case on this baby, it becomes a white phone.  Nobody tells you that.  I hate white phones, which is why I didn't buy one.  Also, it's super annoying that none of my old plugs fit, I dislike iOS7, and my music's all messed up.  But I like the new fingerprint thingy you added.. 


Ok, I know I'm whining here.  These are high-class problems.  I don't care. 

(Did I mention my diamond shoes are too tight?) 

Seriously, Verizon.  Get it together.

iThank you for not charging my minutes for this time,
Your (Formerly) #1 Verizon iPhone fan


tags: rants, shopping, technology
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I did not know this phone was white on the front! Boo Apple. :(

chris said...

If only you wrote this Sooner I could have told you you have 30 days to return. You need more me time! :)