This Year, I Will

New Year's resolutions are for the birds. Lose weight. Stop watching so much TV. Give up smoking. Quit drinking. No more gambling. Avoid spending money on things you can't afford.

Yawn.

The reason why resolutions don't work is because the premise is off. Think of something you enjoy (especially if it's bad for you), then vow to stop doing it. Forever. And when you fail to stay away from said vice, feel guilty. Then, repeat it all again next year as if there could possibly be a different outcome.

Blech.

I've decided 2012 is the year to make a list of the things I WILL do. And I will not feel the least bit bad if I don't.

Try these on for size...

This year, I will... start a cult.
I really think this is a cultural void right now. There aren't enough good cults out there (unless you count the Tea Party or people who enjoy the Kardashians). I'm not quite sure what our rallying cry will be yet, but I'd like to call my new cult The PBNJ, which sounds ominous but obviously stands for Pine Brook, New Jersey. It could be mistaken for Peanut Butter & Jelly, but I'm ok with it because THAT is a delicious sandwich who's power cannot be overestimated.  Anyone with me?

This year, I will... write a made-for-TV movie.
Have I ever written a screenplay? Uh, that's a no. But I did write a novel that's collecting dust. And rumor has it I write this blog! AND I've seen approximately 9,728 awful movies on Lifetime, Oxygen, WE, and Hallmark that I (or anyone with a pen and a dream) could have written. That's got to count for something. Regardless of the actual plot or characters (here's one idea), it would be required that Mark Paul Gosselaar be cast in a leading role, which might also fulfill my childhood dream of dating Zach Morris. Win win.

This year, I will... learn to make pizza from scratch.
This one's just plain practical. About 3 billion (yes, BILLION) pizzas are sold in the US each year, according to some unsubstantiated fact I randomly pulled off the Internet. Pizza dough is just water, flour, and yeast -- think of all the money I'd save making my own. Plus, I have unlimited access to the universal #1 secret pizza-making ingredient: NYC tap water.  When I've gotten really good at it, I could open my own pizza truck and tour the tri-state area serving delicious, homemade heart-shaped pizzas. Who wouldn't love that?

This year, I will... invent a word.
There's always room in the universe for a new word, right? And I'm not talking stupid shit like "amazeballs," "awesomesauce," "bromance," or "woot" (incidentally, just added to the Oxford English Dictionary as a word used to describe enthusiasm in online communication). Those words get caught in my throat. I'm confident I can do better.

This year, I will... sleep like a baby on a Sobakawa Cloud Pillow.
You know I'm a sucker for infomercials (no, really, I am). I'm a good sleeper, but I feel I could take naptime to a whole new level. This thing is filled with 10 MILLION air beads. Now, I don't claim to know what an air bead is, but they sound fantastic. Maybe they could invent the Sobakawa couch cushions too, because if air beads feel good under your 10lb head, imagine how they'd feel under your 100lb ass. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, send 2.

 
So, do YOU think I can accomplish anything on this list?  Should I start smoking, drinking, and gambling so I can vow to give them all up next year?  Have any irrelevant resolutions of your own?  Add them below!
 
 
tags: holidays