25 Reasons It's Swell to Be Single for the Holidays

Ah, the holidays! For many singletons, it’s that special time of year when your geeky co-workers start to look pretty good, and your exes somehow find themselves on the wrong end of a late-night phone call (after three too many Santa-tinis). But that’s not me. Really!

Truth is, I’d rather be alone than be with someone I’m not interested in. And until I’m a tragic spinster with fourteen cats, I’ll continue thinking that way.

Besides, flying solo definitely has its perks -- especially at the holidays. Here’s 25 reasons that might have YOU wishing you were single too:

1. You don’t have to argue in the cab on the way home about him hitting on an elf
2. Nobody will snore in your ear while you’re trying to have a silent night
3. No sense getting your candy canes in a twist over who’s family to spend the holidays with
4. No need to smile and pretend to like the present his mom gave you
5. You don’t have to go to his holiday party and make small talk with his boss, Senor Halitosis
6. Don’t believe the hype, flannel pajamas and cotton undies are all the rage
7. You don’t have to shave (assuming you enjoy being called Chewbacca Claus)
8. Nobody drinks the last of the egg nog and puts the empty container back in the fridge
9. Your DVR can be full of awful Lifetime holiday movies and no one will erase them
10. No one will yell at you for taking your laptop on Christmas vacation
11. Snow falls from the sky, not from his scalp (‘tis the season for the flakes that don’t melt)
12. You don’t have to dress up in matching reindeer sweaters for your annual holiday card
13. You can eat an entire tray of Christmas cookies and no one will judge
14. You can poke all the assorted chocolates and put the ones you don’t like back in the box
15. You can sing Christmas songs off-key and nobody will throw M&Ms at your head
16. You can be naughty and no one will care but Santa
17. No unnecessary “ornaments,” like stinky socks and dirty boxers, hanging around the house
18. The toilet seat is always where you want it (this is a gift that keeps on giving all year long)
19. No scruff to make your face as red as Rudolph’s nose
20. Snuggling is overrated, having all the blankets to yourself on a cold winter’s night is priceless
21. Two empty stockings = twice the presents
22. You can take the money you would have spent on his gifts and spend it on booze
23. No painful trips through the nutcracker, aka when are you two FINALLY getting married?
24. No fear of broadcasting on Facebook that you’ve moved to Splitsville, Population: You
25. Think of the money you’ll save on mistletoe!

Season’s greetings!

(See anything I missed? List it below!)

The Tipping Point

Tonight when I got home from work, all soggy from the rain, I noticed someone slipped a holiday card under my door. Was it a secret admirer? No. A friendly neighbor? Nah. It was from my building. On the surface, a nice gesture, but when I opened it and saw that it listed a cast of thousands (ok, 15), I quickly realized this was a handy checklist for tipping.

Well, fa la la la la.

I guess a little holiday green can spread cheer for a year. But figuring out how much to give is harder than figuring out what’s in your fruitcake.

Even though I haven’t lived in an apartment building for a while, I’ve always parked in garages here in the city, which means I’ve always struggled with what to offer at the holidays. Each year, I briefly entertained the thought of driving in one crisp December morning with a car full of home-baked goodies, immediately followed by visions of sugarplums being ground into my carpet.

Cash, it turns out, tastes better than cookies.

I really wish someone would just come up with universal tipping rules, like we have at restaurants! There, I know the minimum is 15%, and I usually give 20%. I could say it’s because I know the waitstaff works hard (and they do), and they’re underpaid (and they are), but really it’s because it’s FAR easier for me to move the decimal point one place and double it than it is to calculate any other percentage in my head.

Once you step outside the restaurant world, I feel like tipping is the Wild West. So that brings me back to that tipping checklist… er, I mean, Very Thoughtful Holiday Card. There really are 15 guys listed, and I know they ALL make my life easier in some way. But I don’t want to over-give because I can’t afford to dole out the ducats to everybody with a hand. And I don’t want to under-give either -- I’m no Scrooge!

I do tip as I go throughout the year -- $5 here, $10 there -- but I feel this need (guilt?) to do something extra for the holidays, even in a recession. Especially for the doormen. In my experience, doormen are like elephants, they never forget. And I sort of prefer that mine (all 4 of them) actually open the door for me instead of slamming it in my face. The front desk guys are pretty good too. They’ve yet to let any axe murderers upstairs, and I’d really like to keep it that way.

So WWSD (What Would Santa Do)?

I’ll take your tips on tipping below…

5 Reasons Gossip Girl May Be the Greatest Show of All Time

When it comes to TV, it's no secret that I have the tastes of a 14 year old girl. Sue me.

So, it should come as no surprise that my DVR is well-acquainted with the CW. I never miss Privileged, the new 90210, or the network’s crown jewel, Gossip Girl.

Last night’s episode -- nay, masterpiece -- was riveting. I don’t think I blinked for an hour. And I’m not the only one swooning over GG -- NY Magazine writes the most delicious weekly recaps and officially declared it the Best. Show. Ever. Truer words have never been spoken.

If you’re not watching this show, you really should be. All the cool kids are doing it. Here’s why:

1. Blair Waldorf & Chuck Bass. I could watch Queen Bee and the Basshole spar forever. Even after their teary, vulnerable moments last night, I hope they never get together. Their angry chemistry leaps off the screen, and they always have the smartest, juiciest, meanest lines on the show. Why ruin all that venom-y goodness with love?

2. Dorota. How can you not adore this pie-faced house frau? She’s at her best when she’s trailing behind Miss Blair, doing all her dirty work. Dorota’s devotion runs deep -- she even joined Facebook! This tireless woman needs her own spin-off. I’d love to get a glimpse at the inner workings of the Waldorf mansion.

3. Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen’s boobs. Lately, they’ve become their own character (characters?). She can’t even put them away at a funeral! I’m certain that any minute, one is going to fall out of her grossly age-inappropriate tops. Do you really want to miss that?

4. Dan “I carried the garment bag” Humphrey. He’s awkward and angsty. Just like a teenager should be. And he’s a chip off the old block. Who can resist when his dad, Rufus, gets all Lincoln Hawk in his rose-embroidered black shirt? He’s awkward and aged. Just like a washed up rocker should be. The van der Woodsen women have cast quite a spell on those melancholy Humphries!

5. Limos and labels and liquor – oh my! Who doesn’t want to look inside the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite? I know I do. Maybe I’ll learn a few tricks…

(While I’m making a list, let me also put out into the universe that Serena’s new distraction, Aaron Rose, must go. I am NOT a fan. He looks like he smells.)

So tune in. It’ll be our secret.

XOXO

Back to the 'Brook

Now that I’m a city girl, one of the things I miss most is my car. That’s where Zipcar comes in. My first experience, renting a Mini Cooper named Melhman, was rocky (he had a flat tire, which I had to fix). Since then I’ve switched to a BMW named Bern and he’s been Old Reliable.

It’s rare that I have access to a car these days, so my agenda yesterday was jam-packed:

8:00AM
I picked up my Zipcar from a nearby Manhattan garage. This really is a brilliant concept, renting nice cars by the hour with gas included, but they need a street team to check up on the fleet. Bern was way overdue for a service, which he reminded me every time I turned the engine on. There was also some dried-up ketchup near the gear shift, which I tried to avoid touching at all costs.

9:00AM
I couldn’t go all the way to Pine Brook without doing a drive-by of the old homestead. After all, we lived there for 25 years! Making my way up a street I’ve driven a million times before, I could see it sitting on the hill. Several familiar markers were missing, like our mailbox and some front-yard landscaping, but the biggest difference was the number of trees that had been chopped down. It must have been a dozen. These were 50+ year old trees -- the neighbors couldn’t have liked that at all! I immediately decided that while it looked like our house, it didn’t look like our home anymore, and continued driving. Curiosity satisfied.

9:15AM
No trip to Pine Brook is complete without a visit to 7-Eleven. I miss that little place! So I went in and picked up a yummy buttered roll, a true NJ delicacy.

9:30AM
I suppose there are dentists in NYC. Some might even be good. But I seriously love my dentist, so I’ll happily travel back to the ‘Brook 2x per year for my cleanings. We watch Food Network together, he tells me stories, and he gives me lessons about teeth. Yesterday’s lesson was about brushing after lunch. I said it grosses me out to brush in a public bathroom. He said that’s ok, just drink a bottle of water after drinking any soda and I’d be fine until I got home. Thanks, doc! As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I unwrapped my buttered roll with one hand and chewed it up with my newly clean teeth. To be on the safe side, I also drank a bottle of water afterwards.

10:15AM
Immediately following my dentist appointment, I went, naturally, to a candy store. Bromilow's in West Caldwell makes the most amazing home-made chocolates, but the cream of the crop is their chocolate-covered potato chip. Salty-sweet heaven. I picked up two boxes to give as gifts. (I won’t say who the gifts are for, because they may be reading this!)

10:30AM
I know I said I’d never set foot in a grocery store again, but I'm a sucker for Kings apple pie, and since they're practically next door to the chocolate shop, I simply had to bring one home. They were even having a sale on bottled water -- $3.99 for a 28-pack. That same case (with 4 less) is $8.99 on my beloved Fresh Direct, plus a delivery fee. Another reason to love NJ -- cheap water.

11:00AM
The city that never sleeps has everything… except for Target. What a crime! So one of the highlights of my day involved visiting the bullseye in Fairfield. My back seemed to be holding up, so I went up and down every aisle in the store, stocking up on all sorts of holiday treats. Sing it with me: There's no place like Target at Christmas to save. I may need to watch less TV.

12:30PM
I don’t think news of the recession has made its way to Willowbrook Mall in Wayne. I circled the parking lot 7 times to find a space, which I finally did right up front (score 1 for me -- in your face, parking lot!). Once inside, the stores were so crowded, I had to beat my way through with a stick. I’m kidding...I used a golf club.

1:30PM
My tour ended in Totowa, where I attended a 5-year old’s Little Mermaid birthday party. It was so much fun to catch up with old friends (big shout out to Jen, Adam, and Mike!). And I’m comforted to know that hide & seek, dress-up and tea parties are still very much in vogue.

All in all, it was a great day. Who says you can’t go home again?

What a Waste of Lip Gloss

So I went on my first date with someone I “met” online.

The guy was from Match. He virtually winked at me, we exchanged several anonymous emails, then spoke on the phone and texted. On paper, he seemed pretty good...

He had a cleverly-written profile that used big words and didn't contain any grammatical errors. 43 year old hedge fund manager. Never married. No kids, no pets. Owned his apt on the UWS. Penn undergrad and Wharton MBA. Former college-level tennis player. A “people person” with a “feminine side ingrained by sisters.” Said he ate healthy, and ran or biked 15-30 miles per week. Had most of his hair. At a reported 5’10”, he was shorter than I normally like, but I thought I should keep an open mind.

We decided to meet.

Based on his pictures (there were 10), I arrived at Soho Park expecting someone who looked like David Addison from the Blue Moon Detective Agency. What I got was someone who looked more like Columbo. His suit was all rumpled, he had a belly like Santa, and SUCH big dark bags under his eyes that I’m confident Delta would have charged him a handling fee for merely setting foot on a plane. And even though I was in heels that made me just under 6’, he was no 5’10”.

Okaaaay. Keep an open mind.

We quickly sat down and there was this weird exchange with the waitress. She brought him something that looked like a coke or an iced coffee in a to-go cup. He sent it away and ordered a glass of white wine while I ordered a beer. Then she brought menus. “We won’t be eating,” he declared, and started rapidly firing questions at me. It felt very much like an interview, not at all like a conversation, and he kept asking me things we’d already discussed on the phone. Still, I tried to be breezy and light, tell stories, BE HUMAN. His eyes darted all around, and he checked his BlackBerry 7 times.

When I did manage to squeak a question in, I got mostly vague answers. “So, how many siblings do you have?” “A few.” “How long have you lived in New York?” “A while.” “Where’s your office?” “Downtown.” He fidgeted in his seat like a kid that had to go potty. But I did get one direct answer when I asked if his parents still lived in Florida. “They’re dead,” he replied.

Everything I said was met with the same reaction, an exaggerated, “Woooow.” We started out by talking about work, so at first, I thought the wows meant he was impressed. But when I said I liked pepperoni pizza and he said wow, I knew this date was over. He downed his glass of wine while I was only halfway thru my beer, and practically jumped out of his skin asking for the check.

It was actually pretty rude -- I was like, wait, YOU have had enough of ME? Oh, ok.

It was very awkward outside, so I went to shake his hand, as if to say, “Good luck, Freak.” Instead, he went in for a shoulder hug and an air-kiss on the cheek. But one cheek wasn’t enough -- apparently he thinks he’s European, because he barked, “One more!” and air-kissed my other cheek. I was like, ewww, you weird little midget!

And with that, I jumped in the first cab I saw, went straight home, and ate an entire pepperoni pizza.

Wow.

Um, How Is It December Already?

Seriously – I’m asking! I’m not quite sure how it got to be December. I feel like I say that every year, but 2008 really feels like a blur.

You too?

Even though I don’t have a tree, my halls are officially decked with white twinkle lights, evergreen garland, and bright red poinsettias (luckily I did that before I pulled my back out). So my apt looks like the holidays -- but that didn’t do the trick. So I hit up another sense and bought some cinnamon-scented candles from Glade (those commercials really are persuasive!). I thought they would feel festive, but they really just make me dream of apple pie. Maybe I should trade them in for candles that smell like evergreen, so I can dream of being in a forest, and then wake up and be glad I’m not.

Anyway, no matter what I try, I’m finding that even though Christmas is my favorite holiday, I’m still not in the spirit. So I’ve decided to take the reindeer by the antlers and watch 5 shows that should have me saying, “Ho ho ho!” in no time.

Grab a mug of hot cocoa and come along for the (sleigh) ride:

1) Miracle on 34th Street (1947): I’m generally not a fan of old movies that don’t star Cary Grant, but this one’s a keeper. I just love the romance of old New York.

2) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas (1977): This one reminds me of being a kid, watching this with my brother after playing in the snow. These puppets are too cute, and the River Bottom Nightmare Band is, in a word, awesome.

3) Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): It’s great that this freak skulks around Whoville stealing all their cool stuff, and pals around with Cindy Lou Who (who is no more than two), but nobody thinks it’s creepy. Ah, simpler times. Also it reminds me of being a sophomore in college, where my roommate, Jen, and I read the story aloud each night (generally after a few beers, so it’s really not as wholesome as it sounds).

4) A Christmas Story (1983): So good, it makes me want to shoot MY eye out with a Red Ryder BB Gun. And “show mommy how the piggies eat” makes me laugh every time.

5) Love, Actually (2003) and The Holiday (2006) (and let's toss in Bridget Jones’s Diary 2001 while we’re at it): These are all-round feel-good romantic comedies that just happen to take place at Christmastime. Plus, they’re set in the UK, so they’re fancy too!

Honorable mention goes to Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) because stop-motion animation is rad and I like Hermey, the elf who wishes he was a dentist.

As a final stocking stuffer, here’s a holiday confession: I hate It’s a Wonderful Life. It depresses me. That whiny little kid bugs me (“Teacher says…” shut up!). And I have no patience for Jimmy Stewart in any capacity – just spit it out already, old man, and stop all that stammering.

You know, maybe I don’t need to see The Grinch after all… I think I got that one covered.

What gets you in the holiday spirit?

Thankful

As I write this, I’m lying in bed, strapped to a heating pad.

To understand what happened, we need to go back about 3 weeks. I noticed that the heater in my living room was on the fritz. The vents felt hot, but the air wasn’t blowing and it wouldn’t really turn on (or off). Not liking the idea of random people roaming around my pad while I wasn’t home, I waited to get it fixed until my parents were in town. So on Wednesday, aka Thanksgiving Eve, I took my mom to the doctor for her regular appointment while my dad was stationed inside my apartment all day on heater patrol.

When I came home from my Good Deed, I immediately noticed my furniture was askew. Obviously things had to be moved for the workers to get to said busted heater. But I ignored the fact that heat was now flowing freely because the OCD Fairy whispered in my ear. Must. Fix. Furniture. Now.

I think you see where this is going.

As my dad helped my mom off with her coat, I pushed my sleeper sofa roughly 4 inches to the left. Ah, that’s better. But then the rug got scrunched up. So I bent down and lifted the end of the sofa to straighten it out. Ok good. Now that order was restored in the world, I sat on the sofa and realized my coffee table was too far away. I couldn’t be expected to live like this! So I leaned forward to pull a large wooden table (containing several shelves and drawers full of magazines, catalogues, and books) toward me.

I pulled. My back popped.

Actually, maybe it was more of a tear. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Either way, I instantly knew something bad had happened. On Thanksgiving Eve.

By 7pm the shooting pains and spasms made it crystal clear I was on the DL. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t lie down, and I knew there was no way I could drag my sorry ass onto a CT-bound Metro North train for various Turkey Day festivities.

Now, to say my family isn’t great with sudden changes in plans is the understatement of the millennium. But I have to say, they rolled with this one. My awesome brother drove down early Thanksgiving morning to pick up my dad and drop off all the fixings for turkey sandwiches, plus an apple pie, pop-tarts (classic pilgrim fare) and even a cheerful plant. He’s definitely lobbying for Brother of the Year (little did he know, he already had it in the bag). As my dad headed north to represent the family at the official dinner, my sweet mom stayed with me all day and made the most delicious sandwich ever -- with paper-thin turkey, moist stuffing, and tart cranberry sauce, it was Thanksgiving on a Bun.

Fast forward to today: I’ve spent about 89 of the last 90 hours in bed. I feel like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka. I might look like him too. I’m much better, but still not great. I think I’ve successfully avoided a trip to the Scary New York City Emergency Room. Still, I could use a hot shower, and I may be getting an ulcer from all the Tylenol I’ve been taking. But I am pretty thankful for my amazing family.

Oh, I also discovered a new channel on TV – LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). I got sucked into their mini-series marathon, specifically Lace, where Phoebe Cates, in all her 1984 big hair and shoulder-padded splendor, turned in her finest performance. In a very strange attempt at a foreign accent (Irish, maybe? Or was it German?), she uttered what could be the best line ever, “Now, which one of you bitches is my mother?”

Even though I filled up on turkey, I still had room for cheese.

So, did your Turkey Day go as planned?

I Had A Crush on the Free Credit Report Guy

Lately, I feel like I’ve seen him more often than my family, friends or co-workers. It’s the FreeCreditReport.com guy.

He first came on the scene last year, dressed as a pirate with nothing but his boyish grin and a catchy jingle about a hacker who stole his identity. I was hooked (and had an odd craving for chowder and iced tea).

The months went by, and I felt his pain as he married his dream girl but because of HER bad credit, was forced to live in her mom & dad’s basement in a room that was so small his drummer had to use the toilet as a stool. I defended him (and his whack credit) as his posse was getting laughed at and their legs stuck to the vinyl in their used subcompact. I didn't think he looked that bad while rollin’ eco-friendly on a 2-wheel ride. And I cursed the credit gods as his identity was stolen yet again by some punk who prevented him from enjoying the champagne, caviar, and tricked-out exotic cars reserved only for rock stars.

Why such blind devotion to a man with such dubious credit? Because he was so cute!

Sure, I’ve heard that his report isn’t actually “free.” I can look past that. And I think it’s pretty clear he’s lip synching. Eh, so what? But now I hear it’s not even his voice because the actor doesn’t speak English? Well that’s just blasphemy!

Now, he’s all trying to woo me back with his fake sword fights and green wool tights at the Renaissance Faire (where he thought his credit could stink and nobody would care). I say, be gone, fake cute indie rock musician! Your bad credit is no good with me.

Roll Out the Red Carpet

The following takes place between 7 and 9pm. Events occur in real-time.

Tonight I went to a screening of 24: Redemption. It was a 2hr movie they filmed in South Africa when the writer’s strike prevented work on the TV show. I’ll admit, I haven’t watched 24 since season 1 (season 7 starts in January), but I was still pretty excited to go. It’s not every day I get invited to a movie screening with actual famous people!

It was freezing today, making it impossible to get a taxi. When I did finally find one, I went as far as 47th and 6th in bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic before I decided to hop out and hoof it to the theater on 42nd. I should never forget that the fastest way around town above ground is on two legs.

When I arrived and met my friend, G, the first thing we noticed was that the theater was super huge and really nice. After taking several escalators high above Times Square to screen #13, we came upon the red carpet where lots of news crews were interviewing people I didn’t really know. I was all ready to tell them I was wearing Ann Taylor LOFT, but nobody asked.

We were quickly directed to a table where we had to surrender all cell phones, PDAs, and cameras – that could have been a zoo, but it was all pretty well-organized. We were then ushered into the theater, but not before picking up our buttery popcorn and choice of Coke, Diet Coke, or Sprite (sorry, Steve). Free movie treats? Score! The popcorn bags were even branded with the 24 logo. The marketer in me was secretly jealous of the promotion budgets that movie studios have.

Inside, the theater was pretty crowded. We headed up the stairs to a row that looked empty, only to find out that it was reserved for some VIPs. Eventually, we found seats down in the 4th row, and settled into our red oversized chairs. Soon, the lights dimmed to get our attention, then came on again for the head writer and executive producer to each take a turn speaking. I couldn’t help but notice that standing in the wings was Jack Bauer himself, Kiefer Sutherland! He was pretty cute in a dark suit with a yellow tie, but he looked quite short (I always think famous people are taller than they actually are). The wool overcoat he wore told me he wasn’t staying for the show, and he didn’t. As soon as his name appeared on the screen he ducked right out.

You know, action/adventure really isn’t my thing, but the movie kept my attention the whole time. The story was pretty interesting and intense, the characters were believable, and I enjoyed a few casting surprises, like Gil Bellows and Peter MacNicol, both formerly of Ally McBeal. I remember Billy being so cute back in the day, but let me tell you, he has not aged well. Who would have thought “The Biscuit” would be the better looking alum?

Anyway, FOX is airing 24: Redemption this Sunday night at 8pm, so you can see it too! You can even hire a short guy, dress him in a yellow tie, and call him Kiefer.

Check out the trailer:



And thanks for inviting me, G!

5 Reasons I Hope Lipstick Jungle Doesn't Get Cancelled

Lately there have been rumors swirling about the imminent cancellation of Lipstick Jungle. The show eeked by last year (likely due to the writer’s strike), and now in its second season, was recently moved to Fridays – the death slot!

I’m sure it didn’t help that the show’s star, Brooke Shields, recently said the show needed better writing. Didn’t she learn anything from her guest appearance as Joey Tribbiani's #1 fan? His Dr. Drake Ramoray took a 1-way ride down an elevator shaft after he bashed the writing on Days!

Anyway, I really like the fluffy time I spend with the girls in the Jungle. Here’s why I hope they stick around:

1. Kirby. Ahhh… I could watch that guy for the whole hour. Plus I recently saw an interview with the actor who plays him and he’s actually smart (he’s got a degree in economics from UCSD)! And hot! Nevermind he's like, 12. He just might be the 8th Wonder of the World.

2. Was a better character name ever invented than Victory Ford? Yes, I’m distracted by Lindsay Price’s teeth, which seem to have been severely flattened since her days as Steve Sanders' baby mama on the original 90210, and sure, she gets a little whiny, but her awesome name makes up for it all.

3. Ditto Andrew McCarthy with the weird face, but I’m digging this reunion with one of the stars of one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time, St. Elmo’s Fire (which also starred Emilio Estevez as a guy named Kirby – coincidence? I think not!). Seeing him as a suave kajillionaire makes me almost completely forget his weekends spent with a dead guy named Bernie. Both times.

4. Read My Lips. I love this song! I wonder if you can download it? It would be a saucy little ditty for my walk to work.

5. Someone really needs to throw creator, Candace Bushnell, a bone. With the economy the way it is, if the show gets the boot she may need to trade her Manolos for Payless. THAT would be a tragedy.

So will it get cancelled? I don't know. But I’ve heard that people have been sending lipsticks to the execs at NBC to keep the show on the air. I may just drop a few tubes in the mail myself. I’m lousy with Clinique freebies (seriously, how many Tenderhearts can one girl use?).