Lots of positions up for grabs this mid-term. Andrew Cuomo vs. Carl Paladino for NY Governor. Dick Blumenthal vs. Linda McMahon for CT Senator. And Dan Malloy vs Tom Foley for CT Governor.
Who am I voting for? Who cares.
Oh sure, I’ll do my civic duty and show up at PS 116 on Election Day. Even given my recent housing confusion, I'm fairly confident they'll let me vote for NY Governor.
I’ll probably even try to wade through the mess of accusations of extramarital affairs, children born out of wedlock, and “legendary” sexual prowess, and get down to a few actual issues. But if I’m being truthful, I’ve really only got my sights set on ONE race.
I’m speaking, of course, of the race for the Mayor of Crazytown.
What’s that? You say you’re not aware of this race? Well, then allow me to introduce you to the candidates:
Top Chef Just Desserts
Home State: New York
Affiliation: The Nutty As a Fruitcake Party
Campaign Slogan: “The Red Hots were for my mommy!”
Strength: Unashamed to weep uncontrollably over unfrozen sorbet and being denied the use of grapefruit (the OTHER fruit of the Gods)
Weakness: Comprehending that you don’t get to make your own ice cream in a challenge sponsored by Breyers
Main Obstacle: Frozen desserts
Home State: California
Affiliation: The Out of Her Tree Party
Campaign Slogan: “Screw your leg and keep it away from the fire!”
Strength: Unashamed to knock down a woman with one leg on national television and shout, “I don’t like you!” in her face
Weakness: Comprehending that if another person leads you to a hidden immunity idol because you can’t decipher the clue, you probably shouldn’t shove it in your dirty sock and taunt them that it’s all yours
Main Obstacle: Artificial limbs
Home State: Michigan
Affiliation: The Crazy Pants Party
Campaign Slogan: “I can make nails out of binder clips!”
Strength: Unashamed to lose his tooth in a bagel and sit out most of a challenge with a “dental malfunction”
Weakness: Comprehending that having a short fuse doesn’t make you a leader, it makes you an asshat
Main Obstacle: Blind rage
In the end, I think Seth will be elected for the top spot -- that jittery dude is a chef’s coat away from a straitjacket, which just so happens to be the official uniform of Crazytown. Plus he's already been carted off in an ambulance, so he's got a ride.
Now, while I’m at it, I should also probably make some predictions on who will win the actual competitons on these shows. And it’s NO secret I’m the mush, so I apologize in advance for my endorsement...
I have now sealed your fate:
Zac (Top Chef)
Anyway, Crazytown may be all about anarchy, but the rest of the USA is a democracy, so exercise your right to free speech and add your own predictions below!
tags: entertainment, politics