Lots of positions up for grabs this mid-term. Andrew Cuomo vs. Carl Paladino for NY Governor. Dick Blumenthal vs. Linda McMahon for CT Senator. And Dan Malloy vs Tom Foley for CT Governor.
Who am I voting for? Who cares.
Oh sure, I’ll do my civic duty and show up at PS 116 on Election Day. Even given my recent housing confusion, I'm fairly confident they'll let me vote for NY Governor.
I’ll probably even try to wade through the mess of accusations of extramarital affairs and “legendary” sexual prowess, and get down to a few actual issues. But if I’m being truthful, I’ve really only got my sights set on ONE race.
I’m speaking, of course, of the race for the Mayor of Crazytown.
What’s that? You say you’re not aware of this race? Well, then allow me to introduce you to the candidates:
Home State: New York
Affiliation: The Cold As Ice Party
Campaign Slogan: “The Red Hots were for my mommy!”
Strength: Unashamed to weep uncontrollably over unfrozen sorbet
Weakness: Comprehending that you don’t get to make your own ice cream in a challenge sponsored by Breyers
Main Obstacle: Frozen desserts
Odds: 2:1
Home State: California
Affiliation: The Turnabout Is Fair Play Party
Campaign Slogan: “Screw your leg and keep it away from the fire!”
Strength: Unashamed to knock down a woman with one leg on national television and shout, “I don’t like you!” in her face
Weakness: Comprehending that if another person leads you to a hidden immunity idol because you can’t decipher the clue, you probably shouldn’t shove it in your sock and taunt them that it’s all yours
Main Obstacle: Artificial limbs
Odds: 3:1
Home State: Michigan
Affiliation: The Crazy Pants Party
Campaign Slogan: “I can make nails out of binder clips!”
Strength: Unashamed to lose his tooth in a bagel and sit out most of a challenge with a “dental malfunction”
Weakness: Comprehending that having a short fuse doesn’t make you a leader, it makes you an asshat
Main Obstacle: Blind rage
Odds: 5:1
Not sure who will be elected for the top spot. But while I’m at it, I should also probably make some predictions on who will win the actual competitions on these shows. And it’s NO secret I’m the mush, so I apologize in advance for my endorsement...
I have now sealed your fate:
Zac (Top Chef)
Tyrone (Survivor)
Anand (Apprentice)
Anyway, Crazytown may be all about anarchy, but the rest of the USA is a democracy, so exercise your right to free speech and add your own predictions below!
tags: entertainment, politics
5 comments:
Funny!
I nominate Naonka as mayor of Crazytown. And Jill for the W on Survivor.
I have a write-in crazy nominee: Gretchen from Project Runway!
Oh Seth takes the prize for sure! He's like a caged animal! The show won't be the same without him, but it's probably for the best.
The mush is alive and well. Bye bye Tyrone! <3
Probst: You'd know best -- Naonka is nuts. I don't think Jill will win, but what do I know? I picked Tyrone.
Anon #1: Oh, that's a good one. Gretchen is one crazy little strudel.
Anon #2: I think it's better without him. He was seriously ill.
Anon #3: Long live the mush!
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