Note to Celebrities: Please Stop Dying

***Thanks go out to the overwhelming majority of 6 who answered my poll! I will keep blogging for YOU (and also for the 16 other people who read that post but didn’t feel the need to vote -- I take your silence as consent!). And now… let's begin We’re Not In Pine Brook Anymore, Part Deux.***

Summer is officially over. Boo.

The Times recently uncovered a frightening seasonal phenomenon. And no, it’s not about the rain. It’s about celebrities.

They kinda keep dying. Making this… (cue spooky music) The Summer of Death.

Morbid? Yes. But also true! The AP is in a bunch over the number of celebs who kicked it in the Summer of 2009 too. And New York Magazine, puts the number at 29 which nearly doubles their 1993 record of 15.

Numbers aside, the wattage of these stars are above average. Here’s the 11 I’ll miss most:

Walter Cronkite: What's the coolest thing you can say about the Most Trusted Man in America? He was made into a Muppet -- a grouchy journalist called Walter Cranky!
Best Quote: “Objective journalism and opinion column are about as similar as the Bible and Playboy magazine.”

Dominick Dunne: He was driven by the murder of his own daughter (and the slap on the wrist her boyfriend received for killing her), so I loved his coverage of high-profile criminal trials. It’s rumored that he got his big break in the literary world by being seated next to Vanity Fair editor, Tina Brown, at a dinner party. I really need to start eating out more.
Best Quote: “I’m sick of being asked to weep for killers. We’ve lost our sense of outrage.”

Farrah Fawcett: I saw the world's most popular pinup in Newark Airport years ago, coming off the red-eye from California. She really did have great hair.
Best Quote: “The reason that the all-American boy prefers beauty to brains is that he can see better than he can think.”

John Hughes: Man, I still can’t get over this one! This guy made me want to spend my teenage years in the suburbs of Chicago -- riding a parade float while singing Twist & Shout, blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday cake, and sitting in detention with a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. He WAS the 80's.
Best Quote: “I don’t think of kids as a lower form of the human species.”

Michael Jackson: I’ve already told you how I feel about this one. But to me, June 25th was more than just the day the music died. It's also the day my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We visited 5 Napkin Burger, where he ordered a delicious bacon burger and I ordered... a burger salad. Lame choice. Surprised he didn't tell me to beat it.
Best Quote: “Through it, my music, I know I will live forever.”

Billy Mays: What can I say about this densely-bearded fellow that I haven’t already said? His sales pitches were irresistable! I now have a Big City Slider Station in his honor, which I keep at my parents house in Florida because my apartment is too small.
Best Quote: “I don’t take on a product unless I believe in it. I use everything that I sell.”

Frank McCourt: I had the pleasure of meeting this kind man after the success of his memoir, Angela's Ashes, when I worked in book publishing. He truly was as charming, humble, and utterly delightful as you'd imagine.
Best Quote: "I wasn't prepared for America, where everybody is glowing with good teeth and good clothes and food."

Ed McMahon: It’s true, his face got a little freaky looking towards the end, but how can you not want to hug this affable late-night sidekick? He was like a human laugh track. I even enjoyed his Cash for Gold commercials with MC Hammer!
Best Quote: “Johnny once described our relationship by saying we were as close as two people could be without being married.”

Les Paul: You've got to admire a guy who never learned how to read sheet music, yet he invented the sound of rock and roll. His Gibson electric guitars sell for thousands. And bonus points because he lived in Mahwah, NJ for many years… bada bing!
Best Quote: "My first guitar came from Sears & Roebuck and I believe it was $3.95."

Patrick Swayze: Loved him in Dirty Dancing, Youngblood, Road House, The Outsiders and Point Break (Ghost? Not so much). But you know my favorite PSwayz role? Orry Main in the TV miniseries, North & South. His views were questionable, but he really rocked that mullet.
Best Quote: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” (c’mon, did you REALLY think I’d choose anything less?)

The Taco Bell Dog: Little Gidget (who assumed the role from a Chihuahua named Dinky) was a sombrero-wearing face of controversy in the Hispanic community for reinforcing bad stereotypes. But the next time I chow down on a MexiMelt, I’ll think of you…
Best Quote: “Drop the chalupa!”

Honorable mention also goes to Dom DeLuise (loved his cookbook Eat This -- never trust a skinny cook!) and Bea Arthur (snarky Dorothy Zbornak was my fave Golden Girl). They technically passed on before the summer began, but were still pretty cool peeps.


So, Celebrities, do yourselves a favor and stay home this fall. Get a nice Netflix subscription, a Snuggie, and a soothing chai latte.

The world will thank you.

Did I miss any of YOUR favorites? Add them below!

Germs Make Me Sick

So I’ve been trying to mind my own business with this Swine Flu epidemic (only occasionally staring suspiciously at those who so much as sniffle). And I’m ok with my odds. I mean, how many millions of people live in NYC? Eight maybe? And there’s only been a couple of hundred confirmed cases of the dreaded flu in the whole entire US. I can live with that.

But do you know what stat really makes my skin crawl? The fact that the average desktop computer carries 400x more bacteria than the average toilet seat.

Hold up.

You mean MY keyboard? The same one I’m using to type on RIGHT NOW? Dirtier than a TOILET? Are we talking a public toilet, or the one in my house? And what about my mouse? Or my phone? Or my desk?

Blech. It’s enough to make me call in sick to my stomach.

We just moved offices at work, so I took the opportunity to give my keyboard a good shake shake shake. And it’s true -- it was not clean, but it wasn’t exactly a budding Chia Pet of Filth either.

I freed an inordinate amount of gray fuzz, a bunch of eyelashes (?) that I can only assume were mine, and slightly fewer poppy and sesame seeds than you’d find on an everything bagel.

Nasty gunk? Yes. Worse than a toilet? Not quite.

Of course, the biggest biohazards are what you DON’T see. For instance, it doesn’t matter that you wash your hands after you use the restroom. Chances are, you touch something on your way out -- the faucet, the paper towel rack, the door handle -- that’s just littered with bacteria from people (dirty dogs) who haven’t. That sneaky bacteria is just waiting to come along for the ride back to your desk. Which I’m sure it does.

Wheeee!

Another major culprit is eating lunch at your desk. Wayward crumbs encourage bacteria growth, which IS unfortunate because Dining al Desko is something I do pretty much every day.

Suddenly, my office is a bacteria cafeteria.

Well played, old germ. Well played.

The moral of the story? The 5-Second Rule is now officially off when something falls on your desk. Turns out, you’re much safer licking a toilet.

Oh Baby

Wow. I now know TEN women who are having babies between April and August.

-- My sister-in-law
-- My roommate from college
-- My roommate from college’s sister-in-law
-- 2 other friends from college
-- 3 friends at my current job
-- 2 friends from former jobs

Um, what the hell happened last year? Was there a blackout? Nothing good on TV? Has news of the recession become the ultimate aphrodisiac? Ooh, unemployment is soooo HOT!

I don’t know, but I really hate to be left out of a trend, so I’m here to announce I have some happy news: I’m pregnant too!

(Try not to hit your head when you pass out from shock.)

Yes, I expect to give birth to Pringle in the fall. I think I’ll name him “Salty.”

Ok, I’m kidding. But seriously, congrats to all the moms and dads-to-be! And congrats to me, I’m going to officially be an aunt to a beautiful baby girl called Grace. I can’t wait to meet her in late May or early June (arrival time will be directly correlated to whether she takes after her mom or her dad). Suffice it to say, she will be quite spoiled in the best possible way.

Much love to you all, always.

Thankful

As I write this, I’m lying in bed, strapped to a heating pad.

To understand what happened, we need to go back about 3 weeks. I noticed that the heater in my living room was on the fritz. The vents felt hot, but the air wasn’t blowing and it wouldn’t really turn on (or off). Not liking the idea of random people roaming around my pad while I wasn’t home, I waited to get it fixed until my parents were in town. So on Wednesday, aka Thanksgiving Eve, I took my mom to the doctor for her regular appointment while my dad was stationed inside my apartment all day on heater patrol.

When I came home from my Good Deed, I immediately noticed my furniture was askew. Obviously things had to be moved for the workers to get to said busted heater. But I ignored the fact that heat was now flowing freely because the OCD Fairy whispered in my ear. Must. Fix. Furniture. Now.

I think you see where this is going.

As my dad helped my mom off with her coat, I pushed my sleeper sofa roughly 4 inches to the left. Ah, that’s better. But then the rug got scrunched up. So I bent down and lifted the end of the sofa to straighten it out. Ok good. Now that order was restored in the world, I sat on the sofa and realized my coffee table was too far away. I couldn’t be expected to live like this! So I leaned forward to pull a large wooden table (containing several shelves and drawers full of magazines, catalogues, and books) toward me.

I pulled. My back popped.

Actually, maybe it was more of a tear. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Either way, I instantly knew something bad had happened. On Thanksgiving Eve.

By 7pm the shooting pains and spasms made it crystal clear I was on the DL. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t lie down, and I knew there was no way I could drag my sorry ass onto a CT-bound Metro North train for various Turkey Day festivities.

Now, to say my family isn’t great with sudden changes in plans is the understatement of the millennium. But I have to say, they rolled with this one. My awesome brother drove down early Thanksgiving morning to pick up my dad and drop off all the fixings for turkey sandwiches, plus an apple pie, pop-tarts (classic pilgrim fare) and even a cheerful plant. He’s definitely lobbying for Brother of the Year (little did he know, he already had it in the bag). As my dad headed north to represent the family at the official dinner, my sweet mom stayed with me all day and made the most delicious sandwich ever -- with paper-thin turkey, moist stuffing, and tart cranberry sauce, it was Thanksgiving on a Bun.

Fast forward to today: I’ve spent about 89 of the last 90 hours in bed. I feel like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka. I might look like him too. I’m much better, but still not great. I think I’ve successfully avoided a trip to the Scary New York City Emergency Room. Still, I could use a hot shower, and I may be getting an ulcer from all the Tylenol I’ve been taking. But I am pretty thankful for my amazing family.

Oh, I also discovered a new channel on TV – LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). I got sucked into their mini-series marathon, specifically Lace, where Phoebe Cates, in all her 1984 big hair and shoulder-padded splendor, turned in her finest performance. In a very strange attempt at a foreign accent (Irish, maybe? Or was it German?), she uttered what could be the best line ever, “Now, which one of you bitches is my mother?”

Even though I filled up on turkey, I still had room for cheese.

So, did your Turkey Day go as planned?