Super Bowl Snack Poll

I can’t believe I’m blogging about football again.

It’s a sign of the apocalypse.

Anyway, my brother and sister-in-law invited me up to CT this weekend for Super Bowl Sunday festivities. Frankly, I couldn't care less if the Steelers or the Cardinals win -- I’m really just in it for the snacks.

I heard a rumor that my brother's making chili. But I'm not one to arrive empty-handed, so I’d like your advice on what to bring. What would YOU want to eat if I was coming to your house so we could ignore the game, watch the occasional commercial, and stuff our faces?

Vote below!

poll by twiigs.com

As Seen on TV

Did I ever tell you about the time I bought a ham at 2am?

I saw it on TV, late one night, a few weeks before Easter. It was the most delicious-looking spiral-sliced hunk’o’heaven I’d ever seen. It was like meat porn, courtesy of the Honey Baked Ham Company. Before I could say oink, I was calling their toll-free number, wallet in hand -- while the “Operator Standing By” sweet-talked me into adding biscuits to my order.

My point is, I am a consumer at heart -- always have been. Maybe that’s why I’m in marketing. I’m a sucker for a good ad. And sometimes a bad one. I mean, who buys TV hams at 2am?! But knowing me, as you do, you will not be surprised to hear that when my unbridled consumerism meets my television obsession, the result is a truly explosive combination.

The “As Seen on TV” phenomenon probably started with The Clapper. Now, I never bought a Clapper (probably because I was, like, 12), but don’t think for a second that I wasn’t tempted! And while some products are just plain weird -- like that plastic case that helps you clean your baseball caps in the dishwasher -- others seem worth every penny, plus S+H.

So beware burly UPS guy -- here’s a few irresistible items that you just might be bringing to my door...

The Slap Chop: “Stop having boring tuna,” enthusiastic pitchman, Vince, shouts. “Stop having a boring life!” Oh Vince, you know me so well. This is basically a low-tech Magic Bullet, so you can still eat when the power goes out. But who doesn’t dream of chopping nuts in a slap? I want to make salsa with one finger. And for me, “Graty,” the sidekick cheese grater, just seals the deal.

The Big City Slider Station: Billy Mays, of the Oxi-Clean fame, is the slick salesman behind the Slider Station. You can scoop and smash your way to 5 mini burgers cooked at once, without all that pesky flipping (which, incidentally, is made to look SO difficult, it’s a wonder every burger ever made didn’t first fall on the floor). Bottom line: Small foods make you feel like a giant and are fun to eat.

The Snuggie (or its more expensive cousin, The Slanket): It’s a blanket with sleeves! Or… a backwards robe. But I AM always cold. And it IS difficult to read a book when my hands are “trapped inside” an ordinary blanket. You just have to be careful what color you choose. Maroon makes you look like a monk, blue like a wizard.

Smooth Away: I’m not sure why anyone would want to remove all the hair on their arms (better to let sleeping dogs lie). But as someone who once bought the feminine torture device known as the Epilady, and watched in horror as its metal coils ripped out every other hair on my leg, buffing away unwanted hair with superfine crystals sounds pretty benign. My only question is, do you get a rash from all the rubbing?

ShamWow! : Do I really waste $20 a month on paper towels? If Vince says so, it must be true. He also says this cottony little rag holds 20x its weight in liquid. And I get eight of them! That last for 10 years! So not only can I spill an entire 2-liter bottle of soda on my rug, I’m also helping save the Earth. Sounds awe-sham.

Now I’m not great at the whole self-control thing. So if I ever order the unbelievably ugly Buxton Organizer or the Shuffles Shoe Mop (“Clean while you walk!”, says friendly Englishman, Anthony Sullivan), please confiscate all my credit cards. Checkbook too, just to be safe.

Have bearded Billy Mays and his cohorts ever wooed you? Do tell below!

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Somewhere, my brother is falling on the floor.

Yes, I am blogging about football. No, it’s not my musings on why the Giants sucked big monkey butt ever since Plaxico shot himself in the leg. This is me, we’re talking about, people! The ONLY way I’m even remotely allowed to speak about the game is when it’s related to a TV show.

Well, a birdie told me that Friday Night Lights came back to regular TV tonight as the Dillon Panthers kicked off season 3. So I tuned in. On a Friday night. Just living the NYC dream. But seriously, how have I NOT been watching this show?? Rookie mistake.

While passing the pigskin really does bore me to tears, a TV show about football is totally entertaining! Since I’m SO late to the game, rather than fumble an FNL Top 5, I decided to list my favorite football movies (and their best lines) instead.

(Did I mention I LOVE football movies? I have many layers. Like a spicy guacamole dip.)

Here goes the coin toss… I call tails:

1) The Last Boy Scout: The Los Angeles Stallions
“Six hundred and fifty dollars? They’re pants. You wear them. They don’t, like, have a TV in them or something?”
“Nope”
“I am very old.”
-- Disgruntled former Secret Service agent, Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis), and disgraced former NFL star, Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans), discussing the merits of leather pants

2) Any Given Sunday: The Miami Sharks
“Life's this game of inches, so is football… On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying!”
-- Aging head coach, Tony D’Amato (Al Pacino)

3) The Program: Eastern State University
TIE: “Not everybody can play football… we’re the lucky ones.”
-- Juiced up defensive lineman, Steve Lattimer (Andrew Bryniarski)
AND: “Let’s put the women and children to bed and go lookin’ for dinner!”
-- Badass Heisman Trophy candidate, Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer)

4) Lucas: Generic 80's High School Football Team
“Are you interested in wide receivers?”
-- Teenage heartthrob, Cappie (Charlie Sheen)

5) Varsity Blues: The West Canaan Coyotes
“If we go out and half-ass it 'cause we're scared, then we'll always wonder if we were really good enough. But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?”
-- 2nd string QB, Jonathan “Mox” Moxon (James “Dawson” Van Der Beek)


Ok, I think that’s all I have to say about football. I’m probably good for like, the next 10 years now. So I’ll just leave you with this final nugget of gridiron wisdom:

Play like a champion today.

Are you calling foul on my five? Add your own football faves below!

Online Dating Decoded

In my 20s, meeting guys was SO much easier. Put on a cute outfit and some lip gloss, then head to a bar with the girls (my friends, that is, not my boobs, although they always came too).

Nowadays, only cougars hang out in bars. Nice girls go online, or so I was told.

So I went online. And in three months, across three different sites, I’ve been matched with literally thousands of guys (2,618 to be exact).

Pretty good odds, no? I mean, if I ever achieved those numbers in a bar, I’d undoubtedly be a raging alcoholic (with a raging STD). On the surface, these odds SEEM great, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that in the world of online dating, nothing can be taken at face value.

Why? Because everybody lies. Except for me (actually, that's a lie). So I’ve created this handy dandy decoder to get to the bottom of things.

You can thank me later…

HIS PHOTOS:
Landscape/travel lead photo = My looks are not my strong suit so I want you to think I’m interesting
Photo with a bunch of guys in it = I'm hoping to confuse you with my better looking friends
Photo with a girl = This is the prettiest girl I know who won’t sleep with me
Photo with a girl cut off or blurred out = This is my ex, you will be compared to her
No photo at all = I’m married or otherwise taken and need to remain incognito
Wearing a baseball hat in all photos = I’m bald
Standing in front of a car = I have a teenie weenie

HIS GENERAL PROFILE:
Typos and bad grammar = I have stains on all my clothes
Social smoker = I smoke regularly and kissing me will be like licking an ashtray
Live with roommates = I live with roommates (and they will watch you pee)

HIS EDUCATION LEVEL:Some college = I have commitment issues
College grad = I can hold my own in beer pong
Ivy league graduate = I’ll never let you forget I’m smarter than you
Graduate degree = I’m still paying off loans

HIS EMPLOYMENT:Self-employed = I’m unemployed
Financial Services = I heard if I say that, girls will sleep with me
Poet = I once wrote a girl’s name on a bathroom stall
Income, I’ll tell you later = I want you to think I’m rich

HIS APPEARANCE:
Athletic = I have a gym membership and watch sports on TV
Physically fit = I will spend more time in front of the mirror than you do
Average = The average American is overweight, and so am I
Heavyset = I sweat in a snowstorm
Huggable = I have more body hair than a buffalo
5’11 and under = My height when I spike my hair and wear my “tall shoes”

HIS PERSONALITY:
Family man = I live with my mom
I don’t play games = I play games
Sensitive = I cry myself to sleep at night
Young at heart = I could be your dad
Emotionally stable = I am medicated
Outgoing = I will regularly embarrass you
Open-minded = I may have a felony on my record
Non-conformist = I have piercings in uncomfortable places

HIS HOBBIES:I am a huge [insert sports team] fan = I am a face-painter
I love the outdoors = I don’t wear deodorant
I like to cook = I haven’t been in a relationship in this decade
I prefer the simple things in life = I’m unemployed

HE'S LOOKING FOR:No drama please = I drove my last girlfriend crazy
Friendship = Um, no I’m not
A soul mate = You will need a restraining order when we break up


So that’s it! I’m sure women lie tons too, but all I can say there is good luck, because with all the makeup and hair dye and Spanx we’re MUCH better at the “illusion” than guys are.

5 Reasons to Watch Flight of the Conchords

Tonight I went to my mailbox and pulled out a copy of Time Out New York. Who was on the cover? Dreamy Jemaine Clement!

Who’s he, you ask? Only the coolest guy EVER from my beloved, Flight of the Concords -- a comedy about 2 nerdy, guitar-strumming, troubadours from New Zealand who are utter failures in their quest to make it big in America. It’s the anti-Entourage.

I think I’m the only person I know watching this show.

Frankly, I was afraid to even blog about my love for this show. After all, Lipstick Jungle remains running on fumes, and Dirty Sexy Money was outright cancelled. An endorsement from me, it seems, is the kiss of death. And for the record, since bad things happen in threes, I hope the next show cancelled is The Hills (it’s the ONLY way to free me from its clutches).

Anyway, with wild and reckless abandon, I give you 5 reasons you NEED to watch FOTC:

1) Bret: A quiet, mustachioed ladykiller in thrift-store clothes, this Kiwi spontaneously breaks into song with his bandmate/nemesis Jemaine. His finest moment was recreating Kevin Bacon’s Footloose solo in a fit of angry dance.

2) Jemaine: Maybe it’s his thick black spectacles. Maybe it’s the sideburns. Or the giant buck teeth. I don’t know. But I can’t resist when he sings about getting down to business, “We’re in the bathroom brushing our teeth. That’s all part of it, that’s foreplay. Then you go sort out the recycling. That’s not part of it but it’s still very important. Then we’re in the bedroom. You’re wearing that ugly old baggy t-shirt from that team building exercise you did for your old work. And it’s never looked better on you.” Chalk me up on the side Team Jemaine.

3) Murray: Ginger Balls never lets his day job at the New Zealand consulate interfere with holding band meetings, or booking gigs at the airport for the guys. Now that he’s also the big time manager of the Crazy Dogggz, his days of drying his wet tightie whities in the office microwave because his wife kicked him out of the house are over. Probably.

4) Mel: As the #1 fan of New Zealand’s fourth most-popular folk duo, Mel is mousy, yet aggressive, and excessively devoted to the band. Good thing, since she’s their only fan (that is, if you don’t count me).

5) Songs: They are, in a word, hilarious. Their deadpan delivery of the most absurd lyrics is reason alone to watch. I mean, who doesn’t hope to be on the receiving end of this sweet line, "You're so beautiful, you could be an air hostess in the 60s...you could be a part-time model. But you'd probably have to keep your day job."? I know I do.

On January 18th, Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords officially debuts (if you don't have HBO, see the entire 1st ep below or here, then order HBO, cheapo). On that special day, my television will get significantly more awesome than anything else going in my life right now.

It may finally be time to invest in a Snuggie.

A Resolution I Probably Won’t Break

At the dawn of each new year, I make resolutions I don’t keep.

It's no surprise, really. I know I won’t keep these promises, even as I’m making them. But I make them anyway. Every. Single. Year. I’m sure my weak will says something loathsome about my character, but I don’t have the energy or desire to explore it. And I’m sure I’m not alone -- you can’t possibly keep yours either, right?

Why start a fresh year as a failure? That can’t be good for our karma.

So last night, as I was watching Dick Clark struggle through another New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, I decided to make a resolution I think I can actually live with.

In 2009 I will NOT be making a list of chores that focus on things I need to fix (like my split ends, my invisible boyfriend, and all the Christmas cookies that have made a cozy new home on my thighs). No, this year, I’m starting the Anti-Diet in restaurants that wouldn’t know a healthy entrée if it landed smack in the middle of their plate (making the likelihood that I’ll actually stick to this resolution exponentially higher).

My thinking is simple: Since I break down and eat junk food every single year, why not just cut to the chase and resolve to do it? This stroke of genius (Jenius?) is a classic win-win. If I accomplish it, I’ve FINALLY kept a resolution -- and a tasty one at that. And if I don’t, maybe I’ll shed some lbs from all the junk I WON’T be consuming.

Winner winner chicken dinner.

Without further delay, I give you my (not so) haute cuisine hit parade, along with one naughty and one nice thing I might order while I’m there:

Chat & Chew – 10 East 16th Street
Nice: Thanksgiving on a Roll
Naughty: The quintessential mac & cheese

Chip Shop – 383 Fifth Avenue, Brooklyn
Nice: Fish & chips
Naughty: Fried Twinkie

Cowgirl Hall of Fame – 519 Hudson Street
Nice: Frito Pie
Naughty: Texas onion loaf

Creperie NYC – 135 Ludlow Street
Nice: Nutella crepe with whipped cream
Naughty: S’mores crepe with ice cream

Doughnut Plant – 379 Grand Street
Nice: Vanilla bean doughnut
Naughty: Jelly-filled square doughnut

The Hog Pit – 37B West 26th Street
Nice: Sweet potato fries
Naughty: Candied bacon with whipped cream

Peanut Butter & Co – 240 Sullivan Street
Nice: The Peanutbutter Club
Naughty: The Elvis

Pommes Frites – 123 2nd Avenue
Nice: Regular Belgian fries with honey mustard
Naughty: Double order with cheese

Serendipity 3 – 225 East 60th Street
Nice: Lemon ice box pie
Naughty: Peanut butter frrrozen hot chocolate

Shake Shack – Madison & 23rd Street
Nice: The Arnold Palmer
Naughty: Concrete vanilla shake with caramel and toffee

I plan to visit one per month, so the last two eateries I'll visit will be wild cards, for when I’m feeling totally spontaneous (unlikely, I am a planner to the core), or when inspired by someplace I just read about or saw on TV. To keep myself honest, I’ll be updating the comments section of this post each time I check one off.

And nobody likes to eat alone -- so if any of these places look good to you too, consider this your open invitation to grab a fork and join me!

Happy New Year!

Traveling Music

Today, I got up early without hitting snooze once. Why? Because I’m getting ready to board a bird headed south for the holidays!

I don’t think I’ve ever spent Christmas in 80 degree weather, so I’m totally psyched, but since my idea of Santa isn’t a fat old dude in Bermuda shorts, I may need a little musical inspiration as the mercury rises.

As such, I give you my favorite Christmas songs, guaranteed to put the spirit in your holiday:

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – U2
No other version will do. Sing it to me, Bono. I’ll come home to you any day – and twice on Christmas!

Mele Kalikimaka – Jimmy Buffet
If it’s good enough for Clark W. Griswold, it’s good enough for me.

Christmas Eve/Sarajevo – Trans-Siberian Orchestra
I don’t know why they call it this instead of Carol of the Bells. But I like it anyway. Nice and loud.

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer
It’s cold outside is as good an excuse as any other to fool around. Maybe just a half a drink more…

All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey
You are dead inside if you don’t like this song. It’s that simple.

Honorable mention goes to Dominick the Donkey, the Italian Christmas donkey. Apparently the singer, Lou Monte, began his illustrious career serenading the ladies with Pepino the Italian Mouse. Sensing a trend? Chingedy-ching (hee-haw, hee-haw).

Buon Natale -- Merry Christmas!

Over the Hills

Tonight was the season finale of The Hills on MTV. Now, I don’t watch The Hills (yes I do), but if I did (and I do), I would tell you that I don’t know why I tune in season after hideously painful season (that one’s actually true, I really have no clue).

There’s a part of me that absolutely hates to be left out of any pop culture phenomenon, and let’s face it, for better or worse, The Hills is one -- as was its predecessor, Laguna Beach. And even if you don’t watch (like me), you can’t help but stumble across the dozen or so semi-celebrities that the shows have spawned over the years (the most useless by FAR being Justin Bobby -- trust me).

So whether you’re a casual observer or true student of The Hills, you’ve probably heard that Heidi & Spencer -- barfingly known as Speidi -- have recently tied the knot. Or have they?

Here’s my list of 5 things that are more real than their marriage:
1. Velveeta
2. Unicorns
3. Blue carnations
4. Pleather
5. Bernie Madoff’s $50 B ponzi scheme

One thing’s for certain -- The Hills are alive with the sound of fakeness. Now here’s a truth: I’d REALLY like to make a clean break from this show. I think I get dumber each time I watch. Yet, if left to my own devices, I fear I’ll tune in AGAIN when it comes back for season 5 in the spring. And I ask you, if I watched Newport Harbor (which I did -- don't judge), is there ANY doubt I’ll get sucked into the spin-off vortex that is The City, and – God help me – Bromance?

This is serious. I’m 35.

My last remaining brain cells are screaming for help. Is there a support group I can join? A 12-step recovery program? Should I go all biblical and just poke my eyes out? Please stage an intervention below.

No Scents

I have perfume on the brain.

This past week at work, we were asked to test a bunch of perfumes for a story. Of course, I missed the actual meeting where the selections were made, so I got stuck with a stinker. But it started me thinking: I really can NEVER find a fragrance I can live with, let alone, love.

Generally, I try something in the store, and I think it’s good. Then I get it home, and it mixes with me and I hate it. Or it gives me a headache. Or I hate it AND it gives me a headache.

I wasn’t always so fragrantly-challenged. Years ago I went through bottles of Eternity and Banana Republic’s Classic like they were water. Which, I guess they essentially are. But you know what I mean.

I dream of the day I can find a signature scent. Something I can smell and say, “That’s me!” To this end, I have DKNY's Be Delicious and Michael Kors, two perfectly good perfumes purchased earlier this year, that are now collecting dust on a shelf in my closet. Apparently, they were not up to the task -- once they got to know me.

I really don’t know (or care) what a top note is, and I can’t tell a tuberose from a tomato, so my quest is less about the ingredients (though musk = skunk), and more about finding something clean and fresh-smelling. Well, I thought I liked clean until I smelled one perfume actually called Clean and hated it.

I should be more specific in the future, I want to smell clean, not like Mr. Clean.

Today, I spent a leisurely afternoon Christmas shopping on 5th Ave when I came upon Sephora. I was drawn like a moth to a flame. I’m really not a huge makeup person -- a little blush, mascara and lip gloss and I’m good to go -- but I AM a girl, and this is like, Makeup Mecca. So, I went in. I’m only human.

Determined to play Beat the Nose, I made a bee-line to the Smell Wall (not to be confused with the smelly wall, which was just around the corner on 49th). I was prepared to power through every single scent my colleagues liked, and come out with a winner. I grabbed a handful of white paper test strips, then sprayed and spritzed my way down the aisle. And honestly, after the first three, I’m pretty sure I lost my ability to smell entirely. It was a full-fledged olfactory shut down. A proboscis paralysis. But at that point, I had two sales girls circling me like crows, and I looked like a crazy lady with all the scent strips poking out of my hands so I HAD to plow ahead. Until one critical point, when I accidentally sprayed some rogue scent in my mouth, because the nozzle was facing the wrong way.

I can now officially confirm that perfume tastes far worse than it smells.

Anyway, maybe it was the blinding store lights, or maybe it was the brain damage I most certainly have sustained after sucking down a serving of perfume soup, but I wound up buying two bottles: Marc Jacobs’ Daisy, in part because a card next to the display told me it was their #2 best-seller (and also because I really liked the bottle), and Donna Karan’s Cashmere Mist, mainly because I didn’t want to put all my eggs in Daisy’s basket (and this one wasn’t that expensive).

I can just picture you on the edge of your seat, waiting to see which one doesn’t make me barf. You’ll have to stay tuned...

In the meantime, if all else fails, I heard Burger King came out with a fragrance that smells just like a flame-broiled Whopper. This could be effective in luring stray dogs, and drunk/stoned guys home. Once they invent one called Cheesesteak, I’m totally in.

So, do you have a signature fragrance? (And if you do, mind if I steal it??)

Picture This

I’m sure you NEVER have downtime at work. Ever. Especially as the Suits take off to sun themselves in St. Barts and leave the little people (elves?) behind to wrap up the fun-filled year that was 2008.

But on the rare occasion that you do, you really need to play around with these sites...

MISTLETOE MAKEOVER

Call me a narcissist, but I love putting my face on things. Enter Sephora’s Mistletoe Makeover. It should be called Hoochie Holiday. Upload your photo into 4 (kinda freaky) looks -- Santa’s Little Temptress, Merry Berry, Smokey Sugar Plum, and O Tannen Babe -- then let the merriment begin. If you like your makeup good and cake-y, you can even buy the look! And then wear it. In the dark.

PHO-HO-HOTO BOOTH

Not nearly as animated, but almost more fun is the Pho-ho-hoto Booth from Union Studio. I don’t even know what to make of this. It’s like Glamour Shots for the criminally insane. Take a trip back to 1980 and get your stockings stuffed with bedazzled sweaters and permed mullets. I liked this one because if you knew me in the 8th grade, you'd know I occasionally rocked the side ponytail. And if you’ve yet to get your holiday cards out, this may be your best bet. Your friends will think you are cheap and twisted as a candy cane, but funny.

ELF YOURSELF

Of course, this list wouldn’t be complete without OfficeMax’s famous Elf Yourself that caused a flurry last year. It's back and better than ever. Faster than you can say “Midgets Scare Me,” your inner elf takes center-stage in a Disco, Charleston, Classic, or Country music video and dances better than you do. Honestly, seeing my giant head bounce around really never gets old.

I could do this ALL day (but I won’t, Pam, I promise!).

Anybody have other sites I should be checking out during totally non-working hours??