Mr. Wrong

I wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who answered my little survey and sent me lovely emails about my novel!

I'm sure 14% of you will be thrilled to know that my paper mache boyfriend is drying as we speak. Luckily, I had more than one copy of my manuscript laying about -- and you actually encouraged me to blow the dust off the cover and take a peek inside.

In a nutshell, my novel, Twenty-nine, is a coming-of-middle-age story. The dawn of a new decade forces Katherine Hunter to take stock of her life and she isn’t at all happy with what she sees. Guided by her addiction to horoscopes, Kate navigates her way down a barbed path to the big 3-0, along the way juggling age-old friendships, romantic disasters, a stagnant career, and the evil beast that is her bathroom scale.

I thought I’d share a few snippets from one of my favorite chapters -- titled “Mr. Wrong.” Somehow, it rings as true to me today as it did when I wrote it more than 6 years ago…


“I’ve got someone I want you to meet.”

To many people those eight words were filled with hope. It was a chance to live the fairy tale. Happily ever after. To Katherine Hunter, those words were anxiety-filled disaster balloons waiting to pop and ooze all over her head. The last time Kate naively agreed to a fix-up was the summer after she graduated college, during one of many off-periods with her ex, Jack. The fix-up was with a red-headed, bird-faced octopus who got a swift knee to the nuts when he got fresh and forgot the meaning of “no.” The experience was enough to make her swear off blind dates forever.

Still, the offers came in over the years from unsuspecting folk who had not yet heard her “Under No Circumstances Shall Ye Set Me Up” manifesto. These people -- cab drivers, co-workers, friends, bosses, her mother, her tailor, her dental hygienist -- were all well-intentioned, but they never really took anything relevant into account when looking for love.

They'd say, “I have a brother (son/friend/dog walker) who is single (divorced/just got out of a bad relationship/incarcerated) who wants to (needs to/should/would if he knew what was good for him) go out with a nice girl like you.”

These collective yentas, invariably married or live-ins, and their star-crossed love connections had little motivation other than the fact that Kate and Prince Not Particularly Charming were both single. Nothing like putting two strangers at a dinner table in front of a hearty helping of small talk with a side of uncomfortable silence, Kate thought. Basing a date on this criterion was the social equivalent of setting up two people because they both had noses…


I won’t give away the meat of the chapter, but let’s just say that Kate eventually goes on another blind date. And it doesn’t go well.


… Kate stood up and walked out. In the one stroke of good luck that evening, a taxi of mercy sat outside the restaurant with its vacant light lit and whisked her across the Hudson to pick up her car. While exiting the Holland Tunnel, her cell phone rang. It was Alex.

“Do not speak. Pat’s a freak. He sent his friend Ed. And now you are dead,” Kate inadvertently rhymed turning this debacle into Dr. Seuss for pathetic singles. (I do not like guys with fake names. Please do not play these foolish games.)

Silence from the other end was broken by a male voice, “Kate, it’s Henry.”

“Ah. Well, pal, same goes for you. Please tell your wife that the next time I want to have an evening like I just had, I’ll head down to the Port Authority, find a man eating from the garbage, ask him to dinner, and then let him shit in my purse.”

“Come on, he was that bad?”

“He wasn’t even there! He sent a stunt double to determine if I’m datable!! Regardless, I’m becoming a lesbian tomorrow. Please be sure to pass it on.”

Kate snapped her phone shut and looked at the rear-view mirror in disgust as her cab driver with no vowels in his name raise his unibrow in interest. "Perhaps a nun would be a safer bet," Kate muttered under her breath as they sped off into the night.



So, what do YOU think of blind dates -- love them, or loathe them? And has anyone EVER been on a good one?

Loyal Readers

I’ve been SUCH a slacker this month with my posts.

It’s not you, it’s me! I’ve wanted to blog. Really, I have. And trust me, I still do have a LOAD of meaningless things to say (especially since my Experiment is working).

I just haven’t found the time. No excuse, I know.

Earlier today, an anonymous Loyal Reader reminded me that I need to “get a typin’.” (I swear, it’s not my mom – she doesn’t understand how to work the computer). Anyway, he (or she) is totally right! But I need to get going on more than just my blog -- this friendly kick in the ass has also reminded me that what I REALLY need to get going on is my book.

My what? My book!

I originally started this blog as a way to get back into writing after a long hiatus. (If you already know this story, feel free to sing along.)

Follow me waaaay back in time to 2002. I was about to turn 29, and I was having a crisis of sorts. I wasn’t happy at my job, in my relationships, or with my living situation. To me, turning 30 was a very scary proposition, mainly because I had a long checklist filled with empty boxes (House, husband, kids? Nah, nope, nada!) Before I started a new decade, my life needed a spring cleaning. And I needed to shake things up a bit. So I took a vacation all by myself to the Cayman Islands for 10 days, and started writing a novel.

It was about a single girl. From Jersey. On the verge of turning 30. (They say write what you know, right?)

I wrote it in real-time from my 29th birthday until the time I turned 30. I’d work out the next plot point or piece of dialogue in my head while I was driving home from work. I’d jot down notes on napkins and gum wrappers during the day as something funny occurred to me. I slept with a notebook next to my bed. I knew exactly where the story began, and exactly how it would end, but the journey in between was shaping me as much as I was shaping it.

In the end, I wound up with a 280-page manuscript that was kinda funny and kinda touching, part fantasy and part based on my actual life (and the people in it).

Anyway, I spent the next year editing the story -- punching up the funny, filling in the blanks, and soliciting feedback from my close friends and family on ways to make it better, tighter, smarter. Now keep in mind, this was never meant to be the next Great American Novel -- it was nothing more than a summer beach read, a guilty pleasure. Written to be read in a weekend.

Because I started my career in book publishing, there was this false notion that I had all these industry contacts. Newsflash: The turnover in publishing is worse than at your local deli, so any experience I got there was pretty much useless (unless I wanted to order a turkey sandwich, in which case, the new guy behind the counter could bang one out just as good as the old guy).

I told everyone it didn’t matter if it ever got published. “It was fun just writing it,” I’d say. Sounds a lot like, “it was an honor just being nominated,” doesn’t it? Well, I was full of total crap. While I WAS afraid of having my writing and my story (which was loosely based on ME) judged by perfect strangers, I really wanted to get it published. Really bad.

Then, life got in the way.

Soon after I was finished editing, and re-editing, and re-re-editing my manuscript, my mom got sick. Most of my free time and energy went into helping my parents out. As it should. And thankfully, she's better now! But this lasted for several years, which left my poor book alone to fend for itself (it turns out, unpublished novels are very shy, lazy creatures who stubbornly refuse to see the light of day unless somebody actually sends them someplace -- who knew?).

So there mine sat, collecting dust. Which is exactly what it’s still doing right about… now.

To tell you the truth, I’m overwhelmed just thinking about reading it again -- it was such a snapshot of my life at the time. And that was my big “hook” -- the author has written it in real-time as she, herself, was turning 30! “What a wunderkind,” they would say.

Now, all these years later, I am more like stale Wonder Bread -- my pop culture references are hopelessly out of date and I’m actually closer to 40 than I am to 30 (and yes, the mere thought of that still makes me throw up a little in my mouth). And that long checklist I had filled with empty boxes? Still mostly unchecked.

So, Loyal Readers, I’d like your help…

poll by twiigs.com

Don’t see an answer you like in this multiple choice? Write your own below!

Finger Lickin’ Good

For a while now, tiny food has been the trend. From burger sliders to 100-calorie snack packs, everyday foods have downsized. And I’ve enjoyed the miniature movement (mainly because it makes me feel like a giant).

Slowly, though, big foods are creeping back. Maybe it’s a sign of the times -- get more for less.

The trailblazer was probably Mega M&Ms but they are a mega letdown. Recently, my brother tipped me off to Giant Cheetos and I was skeptical. After all, a Cheeto the size of a small lemon accidentally appeared in someone’s bag a few years back (a spokesperson chalked it up to “Seasoning Accumulation,” calling the orb “beyond dangerously cheesy”).

This time, however, it is intentional. And it IS fun to think about a Giant Cheeto the size of a beach ball, or even a baseball. But if you are expecting that, you will be disappointed. If, however, you always dreamed of eating a cheesy corn snack roughly the size of a golf ball, allow me to submit a Giant Cheeto for your chewing pleasure.

Chester Cheetah and I have always been pretty tight. I am a bit of a doodle connoisseur. I like them crunchy. And I like them puffy. And now… I like them giant. (PS: I do NOT like the Natural Cheeto -- that is what I call, a waste of time-o).

Anyway, I had a mini sleeve of 5 Giant Cheetos, and not once did I have the urge to jam all 5 in my mouth at once just to see if they could fit (yes, I did). In a nutshell, it is a big-ass ball of cheese. It still turns your fingers bright orange, an unfortunate side effect (much like the exploding dye pack on expensive clothing or stolen money) that makes it futile to deny eating the whole bag.

I do feel like if I ate a regular-sized bag, they just might rub the roof of my mouth raw. But in small doses, they are good times.

So I ask, why stop at the humble Cheeto? Here’s my list of junk foods that I’d like to see jumbo size:

1) I’d like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup the size of a manhole cover
2) I’d like a Combo the size of a fireplace log
3) I’d like a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart the size of a pillowcase
4) I’d like a Dorito the size of a boomerang
5) I’d like a vanilla McDonald’s milkshake served in a bucket (complete with a harness for hands-free snack enjoyment)

Anything you’d like to super size?

Code Yellow

It’s Peep Season!

I mean, what would Halloween be without candy corn? Christmas without candy canes? Valentine's Day without conversation hearts? Easter just doesn’t taste like Easter without at least 1 rack of these irrisistable sugar-crusted chicks. In fact, they’ll pop up in about 69% of all Easter baskets (making the other 31% of baskets officially sucky).

Personally, I like ‘em stale. Chewy, even. And I like to eat their blobby little heads first.

But who among us hasn’t put one of these fine fellows in the microwave just to see what would happen? For the love of science? No!

For the love of marshmallow.

Peep-a-mania is running wild. The Washington Post conducts an annual diorama contest. The Seattle Times, National Geographic, and even the American Bar Association host their own Peep-offs. There’s a Peep-eating contest (the record holder at 103 in 30 minutes is called Dennis Gross -- coincidence?). Peeps have gone medieval with Peep jousting (watch the clip to the end for the Peeps Civil War).

Yes, there’s even Peep porn (my eyes, MY EYES!).

If I’m feeling naughty, I’ll eat the King of All Easter Candy -- the Reese's Peanut Butter Egg, which is, quite possibly, the finest treat in all the land. But, if I’m feeling dainty and sweet, I go Peep.

The only question is what color?

poll by twiigs.com

Chemistry

So I’ve been casually wading through a very murky online dating pool for almost six months now (ugh, has it been that long?). I’ve now closed, archived, or otherwise dismissed over SIX THOUSAND "matches." Yeah. Seems impossible, right?

Who do I think I am?

All this time, I’ve been pretty passive about the whole thing. I don’t email first or break the ice or wink or whatever. And it’s not laziness -- it’s more of a control thing (I can hear you rolling your eyes).

Ok, I’m guilty! Like most girls, I like the guys to come to me. And they actually do. It’s just that they’re all wrong. ALL wrong. All. Wrooong.

One guy, for instance, recently wrote me and asked, “Can I put a deposit on you?” I was like, dude, I’m not a hooker. Or a timeshare in the Bahamas.

Delete!

Clearly, this was going nowhere. And since I’ve already tried to decode guys’ profiles with moderate success, I felt it was only fair to re-examine my own. I mean, maybe I’ve been sending out the wrong signals. Maybe I’m asking for all the freaks and losers of the world to contact me. Like a secret message from the mothership.

Anyway, I took a hard look at myself on all three sites. Not at the photos, or even my physical description, but the actual words I used in my profile. What I’d originally written was full of personality. I thought it was a good representation of who I am -- an independent, funny, loyal, curious, hard-working girl with a passion for life. (Did I mention I'm modest, too?)

Unfortunately, nobody wants to date HER. She, evidently, has cooties.

So, last week, I put my marketing hat on to try something different. Instead of giving the consumer… er, I mean the GUY… what I want, I decided to re-write my profile to reflect what HE appears to want -- which is a pretty girl, who’s pretty plain.

First thing I did was downplay anything about my career. Driven? Not me! Funny? No jokes here! I took out everything that made me interesting, really. What I wound up with was a very short, very vanilla profile. I also added a bit of a challenge: I said I’m the kind of girl who is often asked, “How are you still single?” And I ended with a clear call-to-action: “Thanks for reading my profile. If you like what you see, I’d love to hear from you.” Again, I didn’t change any photos (there are 7), or my physical description at all.

Now, to be clear -- NONE of what I wrote in my new (boring) profile is untrue. It’s just that I took a zesty dish, like say, a paella, and instead made chicken soup.

The result? 36 guys contacted me in the past week. Thirty-six. Just to put that into context, in a typical week, I usually hear from no more than 5.

I guess the good news is I’m a good marketer -- and even as picky as I am, I’m actively emailing with 7 guys right now, 4 of which have already asked me out. The bad news is nobody is looking for a smart, funny, independent woman. They all want chicken soup. Maybe this is what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I don’t know.

And just in case you might think this is a fluke, an equally smart, funny, independent friend who’s much younger than me (and a blonde!) just did the same thing. And guess what? She has the same result. Her inbox is flooded.

Depressing? Unfair? Totally awesome? Give me a piece of your mind in the comments below!

10 Songs I’m Embarrassed to Admit Are on My iPod

There are a few schools of thought when it comes to downloading music.

Some, like my brother, download entire CDs so they can listen to every song by a band they like. Doesn’t matter if the song was popular, or if you can sing along. Yeah, I guess there’s something nice about having the full catalogue at your fingertips.

But me?

I prefer a more edited-down list. Hand-selected favorites. So even though my iPod has 1,905 songs on it, they are all there for a reason. Because I like ‘em. From metal to Motown, classical to country, and reggae to rock, you could say it’s an eclectic mix. A musical smorgasbord.

You never know what will pop up next.

It’s a fun game of roulette. Until I’m in a quiet, crowded place -- like, say, an elevator -- where other people can hear the songs I’m listening to. These are the moments that I pray I’m not standing next to a cute boy in a suit, while I’m holding a grocery bag full of tampons and toilet paper.

So, I ask you, what’s more embarrassing? Getting caught holding The Bag, or rocking out to these 10 beauties:

Careless Whisper by George Michael
(Play Count: 6)
I used to think he liked girls. Sometimes, I like to pretend he still does. Don’t judge.

Daydream Believer by The Monkees
(Play Count: 8)
I had a crush on Davy Jones when I was about 4. Then, I realized he was short and I was all about Big Bird.

Don’t Cha by The Pussycat Dolls
(Play Count: 9)
This one will come in real handy when I finally install that stripper pole.

The Final Countdown by Europe
(Play Count: 13)
Reminds me of the days when I had a poodle perm, just like the lead singer.

Laid by James
(Play Count: 15)
It's probably best not to let this one accidentally slip into the playlist at a family bbq like I once did. You know the lyric -- yeah THAT one. Comfy.

La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
(Play Count: 6)
I dare you to sit still during this one. You can’t do it! It can’t be done.

Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by Big & Rich
(Play Count: 17)
I’m not sure what’s worse, how much I love this song, or that I downloaded it because of a particularly amazing Dancing with the Stars performance involving Drew Lachey.

S.O.S. by Jonas Brothers
(Play Count: 3)
I swear I don’t think Joe Jonas is adorable (yes I do). This one is really just a cry for help. Even my iPod’s upset about it.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? by Paula Cole
(Play Count: 6)
Yes, I went through a Lillith phase (musically, that is, I still shaved my armpits). You should see the other man-hating melodies I have from this era.

Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John
(Play Count: 27 – I know, I couldn’t believe it either)
Does it get any better than ONJ + disco + roller skates? I think not.


Looking at this list, you’d think my musical tastes are total crap. They’re not, I swear. At least… I think they’re not…

What embarassing songs would I find on YOUR iPod?

Gimme Back That Filet-O-Fish

Big Mouth Billy Bass is like the Pied Piper of Lent.

Somehow, I’ve gone 35 years without ever eating McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish. But this commercial makes me want to eat a million of them.

So I did.

Ok, not a million, exactly. Just one. Which was enough, really (they aren’t very good). It was like a tartar sauce sandwich, because the bun, fish, and cheese were totally tasteless. I was also slightly disturbed by how unnaturally square it is.

But the commercial? Oh, that commercial makes me forget the crappy taste and makes me want to rush out to get another. And another.

Gimme back that Filet-O-Fish.
Gimme that fish.
Gimme back that Filet-O-Fish.
Gimme that fish.
What if it were you,
hanging up on this wall?
If it were you in that sandwich,
you wouldn’t be laughing at all!
Ooooo!

The best part is I don’t even understand what he’s saying!

Is it kitschy (a singing fish in a wood-paneled garage!)? Is it existentialism (what if I WAS in that sandwich?)? Is it a cautionary tale (who's the dude with the drill?)? Is it religious (he is nailed to a plank of wood, after all!)? I don’t know, but it’s their catchiest jingle since, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.”

I may have to make it my ringtone. Just don't expect me to answer your call because I'll be too busy rockin' out to sweet, sweet music.



PS: Honorable mention goes to Denny’s “Nannerpuss” and Boost Mobile’s “Bicycle” -- two commercials I also really love (though, they don’t inspire me to actually do anything but laugh).

Will Work for Money

I generally avoid blogging about anything serious -- this is supposed to be fun, right? But I also feel like I’m pretty truthful here (why else would I admit to my unhealthy obsession with The Hills?).

So if I’m being honest, I’d say if this recession is teaching us anything, it’s that we’re all poor. And we’re all to blame.

What does that mean?

It means, I don’t care if you make $50K or $50MM -- no matter how much we earn, we live like we earn more. From $5 cups of coffee, to $150 jeans, to $500 shoes, to $1500 handbags, to $50K cars, to $1MM McMansions, spending is OUT of control. Now we’re feeling the consequences. And because of crazy spending, most of us don’t have that fund, where 8 full months of our salary is just sitting, waiting for a rainy day.

I know I don’t have such a fund. But I DO know it’s raining!

In an environment where companies in every city, across every industry are freezing salaries, asking for voluntary pay cuts, and laying off perfectly good, hardworking people, the only thing any of us really knows for sure is that we really don’t know what will happen at work tomorrow.

I totally get there’s this outrage right now over AIG bonuses, on the heels of the outrage over automakers flying to their bailout hearings in private jets, on the heels of Citibank continuing to fund a baseball field, on the heels of many ill-advised corporate retreats and holiday parties. The list goes on. And on.

And the “Average Joe or Jane” gets angrier and angrier.

I agree, it is OUTRAGEOUS, and they say rich white guys are to blame. Maybe they are. But from Wall Street to Main Street, this is about greed, plain and simple. So it’s not only about the color of your shirt collar. It’s also about keeping up with the Joneses. And we all do it.

Want to know why?

Just turn on the TV. Excess is everywhere. Like any of us really needs a 24-carat gold bidet? (That’s gross.) Or an iPhone? (A newer/better model is always around the corner.) Or a Slanket? (It’s just plain weird.) No! But we buy these and about a million other unnecessary things because when you get right down to it, WE LIKE STUFF. Especially when it’s NEW stuff! Or at least, we used to.

As a both marketer and a consumer, I realize I’m part of the problem. I’d suspect many of us are asking ourselves, do we WANT an item, or do we NEED it? And let's face it...

Many of us are fortunate enough to say we want most things, we don't need them.

I think the brands that acknowledge this -- that embrace what’s going on with the economy (like Hyundai’s buy-back program if you lose your job, or Disney’s buy 4 get 3 free vacations, or even Old Navy’s $15 sundresses) will find that their relevance in this economic downturn won’t hurt their brands at all. It will instill trust. So that, as we consumers start earning money again, we can spend, spend, spend ‘till our fingers hurt!

Huh?!?

Well, I didn’t say we would actually LEARN from this economic badness, I just said we were to BLAME. After all, we’re Americans.

We can only resist something shiny and new for so long.

So, what say you?

Green Day

They say everyone’s Irish on March 17th.

So, when I was a kid, I looked forward to the (futile) hope that my mom would let us eat Lucky Charms. In my teens, it was all about the green cupcakes. My twenties brought the acquired taste that is green beer. In my old age (thirties), I just really want ice cream.

Since Shamrock Shakes are mysteriously unavailable in NYC, I guess I’ll try to get lucky with Cookie O’Puss (which sounds much nastier than I intended).

I toyed with writing a limerick here, but I thought a more PG-approach to this very green day would be to share my take on one of many notes zipping around Facebook right now. It’s all about answering simple questions with song titles.

So, grab a four-leaf clover and slide down the rainbow into this pot o’musical gold…

Pick a band/artist: U2

Q: Describe yourself.
A: Sweetest Thing

Q: How do you feel today?
A: Beautiful Day

Q: What is the weather like?
A: Staring at the Sun

Q: Describe your current location.
A: Where the Streets Have No Name

Q: Where were you born?
A: Angel of Harlem (Bronx, actually, but close enough!)

Q: What is your (least) favorite day of the week?
A: Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Q: Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
A: Mysterious Ways

Q: Describe your current boy/girl situation
A: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Q: What is your biggest relationship flaw?
A: Pride (In the Name of Love)

Q: When you get in a fight, what do you do?
A: Get On Your Boots

Q: Describe your best friend.
A: Numb (kidding!)

Q: How do you feel at work?
A: Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of (more jokes!)

Q: What is life to you?
A: Running to Stand Still

Q: What are you looking for?
A: Everlasting Love

Q: What is the best advice you have to give?
A: Walk On

Q: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A: Desire

Q: If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
A: Even Better Than the Real Thing

Now if that doesn’t make you want to get up and Riverdance, I really don’t know what will.

Want to play along? Pick a band and post yours below!

Old Wooden Teeth

Chemistry’s been a total dud (and by that, I do mean both the website AND the nonexistent “spark” from online dating). I can’t understand why every guy I’m matched with on that site makes less than $25k/yr and lives at home. It must say something about my personality, like I’m a caretaker, or a cheap date.

Anyway, after two Match misses, I finally went on a date with a guy from Chemistry. At 38, he was closer to my age. Lives in a walkup in the East Village. Never married and no kids, but unclear on his pet status. He was an even 6’ tall -- a nice change from the Hobbits I’ve been meeting. He called himself a “TV fanatic” (me too!). By day, he’s a composer who writes jingles to pay the bills, and by night he said he is opening an off-Broadway musical. Plus he plays about 85 instruments. Now, I’ve never dated an artsy guy before. I’m generally attracted to the complete Neanderthal opposite. So this was a change of pace. A broadening of my horizons, if you will.

Leading up to this point, I’d been calling him Old Wooden Teeth. Not nice, I know! But in all his photos, he had a very plastic smile that made his teeth seem fake – but not like veneers, or even caps. These choppers looked old school. Like George Washington and his sturdy wooden teeth.

Upon meeting him, I realized he also had a tiny, shrunken Beetlejuice head and exceptionally long ET “Phone Home” fingers. But I digress…

We decided on dinner and a movie. Or more accurately, a movie, then dinner. Wow, I thought, FINALLY a guy who wants to spend more than 20 minutes getting to know me! He was pretty insistent on seeing Rachel Getting Married, because it was the only Oscar-nominated film he missed. Nevermind that I’d already seen it, or that it’s WAY too heavy for a first date, or that it came out like 6 months ago -- he scoured the city to find the last movie theater on Earth that was still playing it.

Okay, fine.

So I arrived, and he’d already purchased 2 tickets. Score! No awkward conversations at the ticket counter! He looked basically normal (save the teeny-tiny head and super-long digits), but I noticed he was wearing a lavender scarf wrapped several times around his throat. I remembered seeing that same dainty scarf at Ann Taylor LOFT -- a thought I quickly dismissed.

We went directly to the snack counter. I decided I was paying, so I’m all ready for my $20 popcorn and a diet coke. He asked for hot herbal tea with honey. The snack guy looked at him like he had ten heads (ten very small heads). We settled on popcorn, a diet coke, and a steaming cup of hot water. Yum.

We made some idle chit-chat where he talked only about himself, his music, his “craft.” Didn’t ask me a single question. I soon realized that he didn’t want to get to know ME at all, he just wanted an audience. Awesome. So, the movie starts and we’re basically the only people there. He decided to dig into the popcorn after all, and our fingers occasionally touched. With the right guy, this is cute -- flirty, even.

Not this time…

I was feeling a little uncomfortable, like maybe I wanted to sit in a different row so we wouldn’t be so close to each other in this big, empty theater. So I did what I always do in these situations -- I built a Wall of Hair. What’s that, you ask? If I’m not attracted to a guy, I’ll flip my massive mane onto whatever side he is sitting. This accomplishes a few things: It creates a natural barrier between our heads, it prevents whispering in my ear, and generally discourages any unwanted coziness.

This has been an effective technique in the past.

So I’m quietly sitting behind my hair wall, going in for popcorn ONLY when the coast is clear, and I start to hear this strange humming. It’s really low, but really annoying. Humm, hummm, humhummm. I realize it’s coming from HIM. Terrific. Mozart goes on like this for about 45 minutes.

We’re well into the rehearsal dinner scene where Anne Hathaway’s character melts down, when I see this movement out of the corner of my eye. He was rooting around in his coat pocket for something. A mint, maybe? A cell phone? An asthma inhaler? Any of those items would have been acceptable.

When I finally peeked through the hedge that was my hair, I realized he was doing something in public, in the middle of a movie, that I only do in the privacy of my own bathroom: He was flossing.

Let me repeat that… He… Was… FLOSSING.

F-L-O-S-S-I-N-G-!-!

I was like, EWWWW, gross! Who DOES that?!? And what guy (who’s not a dentist) just randomly carries floss around? I mean, I hate when popcorn gets stuck in my teeth as much as the next guy. Well, clearly, NOT as much as the next guy. But you catch my drift. Maybe Woody was afraid of his teeth rotting, but this was insane.

Needless to say, I said I was feeling a bit “under the weather” after the movie, and I bailed on dinner. He’s since sent me an email to see if I’m better and to tell me he had a lovely time. I’m not writing him back. Telling a grown man that he should not publicly floss on a first date, is like telling that stinky kid in junior high that it’s time to start wearing deodorant.

It's an awkward conversation that I'd rather avoid entirely.

So give it to me straight -- am I being too harsh on him?? Should I have found his sudden dental hygiene urges charming? Discuss.