Trick or Treat!

I’m watching The Great Pumpkin right now. I forgot how much I hate Charlie Brown.

He’s just so depressing. That blockhead can’t EVER catch a break -- not even when he's out trick or treating.

All Chuck gets is a bag of rocks.

This got me to thinking about my own worst scores when I worked the Halloween circuit. (That sounds much worse than I intended. But in the wise words of Sue Sylvester, Halloween is the holiday where boys dress like girls and girls dress like whores.)

Anyway… back in Ye Olden Days (aka the 1980s), a sack of Halloween treats was fraught with danger. Would it be laced with Tylenol? Or perhaps a nice razor blade would be tossed in the mix? Or was all that candy-tampering just urban legend?

I dunno. Maybe it was a trick, but my mom examined our candy with the thoroughness of a forensic scientist. The hard candies went straight into the trash (or my dad’s belly) because they were deemed bad for our teeth. Once everything cleared inspection, my brother and I feasted on sweet, sweet chocolate.

Now, I don’t know what kind of loot people give out these days, but I grew up in your typical suburban NJ neighborhood. There was good candy -- none of it radioactive (contrary to some OTHER urban legends) -- and some families even splurged on the full size goodies instead of the mini snack size.

That was nice.

But occasionally, you got a rotten egg. Not literally, of course. That would be gross. So here are the 10 crappiest things I ever pulled out of my trick or treat bag:

1. A toothbrush
2. A small box of Sun Maid raisins
3. A popcorn ball
4. An apple
5. A couple of pennies
6. A #2 pencil
7. Easter candy
8. A single stick of Big Red gum
9. A slice of zucchini bread
10. A tooth stuck in a Milk Dud

I should probably clarify that last one, huh? It was MY tooth. Does that make it better?

Didn’t think so.

Ok, it was the 6th grade, and I was dressed as a Rockette, complete with fishnet tights and a sparkly top hat. I was out with a gaggle of 11 and 12 year olds -- my first unsupervised co-ed trick or treating adventure ever -- and we were about 5 blocks away from my house. My pillowcase full o'candy was getting awfully heavy.  So I decided to do the unthinkable: I ate a piece without it passing the mom-test.

I was born to be wild.

First, I ate a mini Hershey bar. It tasted like freedom.  I wanted more. So I popped open a small yellow box of Milk Duds. The caramel was irristable. The first one went down so smooth, I chased it with 2 more.

And that’s when it happened.

I opened my sticky mouth (probably to yap to my BFF about how I would someday marry John Taylor).  Only, my tooth didn’t come along for the ride. It just sat on my tongue, stuck in the Dud. The chewy candy must have created an unbreakable seal around an already loose molar, because I remember sticking my tongue into the gaping hole in the back of my mouth, and sure enough, it was gone. I tasted a little blood, but I didn’t panic. I just quietly drooled into my bag so I could cash the lump in later with the Tooth Fairy, and I tap-danced over to the next house.

In true Rockette form, I knew the show must go on.

So, my point is this: If you don’t want to be scraping eggs off your front door until Christmas, don’t hand out crap you find around the house, disguised as Halloween candy. And if you forget (or are too cheap) to buy the good stuff, at least have the decency to dim the lights and hide in the basement until the kids stop ringing the bell.

But MOST importantly, if you are a dentist, skip the toothbrush and go straight for the Milk Duds or the rocks. Those treats will totally pay for themselves.

What's the worst thing you ever got in YOUR trick or treat bag?


tags: food, gross, holidays, jersey