Et Tu, Jersey?

Ok. Let me start by saying, you know I love New Jersey.

I repeat: I LOVE NEW JERSEY.

Of course, this sentiment is not universally shared. My home state has a (largely undeserved) negative reputation across our nation, generally surrounding the notion of being smelly.

Fine. Funny, even.

Each day when I wake up, before my sock-covered feet even hit the floor, I check my work email. Sure, I also check it before I go to bed, but you just never know what happens overnight! And I hate to come into the office and be hit with any surprises. Today when I awoke, a breaking news bulletin from WNBC made it crystal clear that The Jerz would take one on the chin...

The email was entitled, “Dirty Jersey.” Hmmm, I thought. That can’t be good.

Actually, it was quite bad. Did we REALLY need to architect a government-sanctioned scheme that involved -- among other gems -- laundering money from the sale of black market KIDNEYS through a charity run by rabbis? (Incidentally, if you were in the market for this organ, a cool $160,000 was the asking price.)

I mean, come ON!

Hoboken Mayor? Arrested! Secaucus Mayor? You too! Jersey City Deputy Mayor? Cuffed and stuffed!

Unreal. Sure, there were also some arrests in Brooklyn as part of this undercover sting operation, which involved over 300 federal agents. But it’s a small detail lost in the almost giddy news coverage.

The NY Daily News sums it up, delivering the boom, boom, pow. First, they quoted an FBI official, "New Jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation." Then, just incase you missed the point, the US Attorney's office chimed in, "The arrests underscore 'more than ever the pervasive nature of public corruption in this state.'" Finally, they rubbed editorial salt in the wound for good measure, “The takedown is stunning in its breadth, even by New Jersey standards.”

EVEN by New Jersey standards. Awesome.

A Tan with a Plan

Did you miss me? I missed you!

SO sorry I’ve been MIA -- it’s been a blur of a month.

A good chunk of July was spent visiting my parents in Del Boca Vista, FL -- aka The Villages -- home to 30,000 crazy retirees off-season, and 70,000(!?!?) in-season. It’s sorta like if Disneyland and Cocoon had a baby. Luckily during this visit I did not receive any unsolicited advice on my love life from well-intentioned, but very VERY wrinkly, strangers.

It was pure relaxation.

Anyway, the #1 mission during my week-long stint as a retiree was to get a tan. And tan I did! Even my feet are tan, which is nice because tan feet are infinitely better than pale feet (also, tan fat is better than pale fat, but I digress).

Now, of course, the challenge is to keep it going without looking like an Oompa Loompa (doopedy doo!).

I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just GO OUTSIDE? The answer is… I don’t know.

So, I thought about hitting up a fancy department store for some kind of expensive tanner (I hear Clarins Self Tanning Instant Gel is great). But I don’t actually want to be that much darker -- I just don’t want to get that much lighter. So I decided to give my wallet a break in these troubled economic times and hit up CVS instead. How prudent.

After much deliberation under fluorescent lights that made my new tan look slightly green, I decided to go with Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer. My thinking was it would serve a dual purpose -- 1) it offered a gradual tan, which should kick in just as my real one was starting to fade, and 2) it would provide a merciful end to the peeling/flaking/leprosy that is now happening all over my body as a direct result of said “real tan.”

As an unexpected bonus, it also claimed to be firming -- and frankly, who among us couldn’t use a little of that?

Of course, my decision was further complicated by the product being offered in a variety of shades. I was unclear which shade to choose (Do I go with my normal skin? Or my tan skin? And why don’t any of them actually LOOK like skin?). So, I wound up buying two -- Medium and Medium Tan -- to be on the safe side. Sneaky sneaky.

The verdict? PU!!

This moisturizer stinks like a sunless tanner. You know that musky rotten molasses smell that’s a dead giveaway? Yeah. So now I stink like fake tan, which isn’t even showing yet, when I actually have a REAL tan.

Awesome.

Has anyone EVER found a self tanner that didn’t stink? And, while we’re on the topic... did anyone catch the news about an Oompa Loompa getting arrested in a shopping mall in FL?

King of Pop

Right now, as I type this, I am sucked into a marathon Michael Jackson music video retrospective on VH-1.

I am on hour #4. I am officially middle aged. And I am helpless to resist the lure of Billie Jean.

Honestly, I didn’t think that much about his passing on Thursday. On the one hand I was totally shocked to get the series of breaking news alerts in quick succession -- first cardiac arrest, then coma, then dead -- and on the other hand, I wasn’t surprised at all.

Over the years, he certainly taught us to expect the unexpected.

His life had been… questionable. Actually, that’s an understatement. He passed quirky and eccentric miles ago. Jacko was bat-shit crazy. But his musical talent is undeniable. Does that excuse his behavior, alleged or observed? I don’t think so. But hopefully his songs will be his legacy.

Here are my 10 faves:
1979 - Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough
1979 - Rock With You
1983 - Beat It (also love Fall Out Boy’s version featuring John Mayer)
1983 - Billie Jean
1983 - Human Nature
1983 - PYT (Pretty Young Thing)
1983 - Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’
1984 - Thriller
1988 - Man in the Mirror
1988 - Smooth Criminal (also love Alien Ant Farm’s version)

Each one of these songs has some great memory tied to it, and instantly takes me back to growing up in NJ. It was the ‘80s, I had (really) big hair, my beloved Ronnie was in office, and all was good in my world.

Watching these videos that span a 40-year career, particularly The Jackson Five with 10-year-old Michael performing “I Want You Back” and “ABC” on American Bandstand, makes me so sad. It’s probably how my parents felt when they heard about Elvis. One of my college roommates used to call MJ “magic.” And I guess he was. While he WAS the King of Pop, he was very clearly also the King of Pain.

I hope he rests in peace.

Umbrellas Are the New Pants

Rain, rain go away. I’m one soggy little muffin.

You wouldn’t leave home without your pants, right? Well, these days the same holds true for the old umbrella (ella, ella). It can rain at any moment! You need to be prepared!

Ever since NYC relocated to Seattle, everybody’s talking about this gloomy weather.

And NO, this isn’t the rainiest June ever (that happened back in 2003), but it’s pretty damn close. We might even end up breaking a record set in Ye Olden Days (1903) for the coldest June ever. Which means everybody’s cranky.

I think the best line I’ve heard so far came from a friend’s Facebook status.

She said: “I want to punch this weather in the face.”

I’m SICK of the rain too. And don’t even get me STARTED on the havoc it’s wreaking on my hair. I may just skip showering entirely and shampoo on the streets. Would be more efficient.

Here’s the Top 10 things I’d rather see in the sky, instead of storm clouds:
1. Jellybeans
2. Purple unicorns
3. Spencer Pratt’s flesh-colored beard
4. A disco ball
5. A million bats
6. Smog
7. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man
8. Killer bees
9. Dandruff
10. Um… the sun

Feel free to hurl insults at this never-ending low pressure system in the comments below…

The Headless Horseman

You may not have noticed, but I only blog about dates with guys I know I’ll NEVER see again.

Why?

Well, I think it has a little something to do with the notion that a guy I’m actually interested in may not be too keen on the idea of me broadcasting my opinions about him on the Internet. I mean, do you really want to read a review of yourself? On a first date??? I know I don’t.

That’s almost as much of a buzzkill as telling these guys the name of the website I work for (hint: it has to do with weddings). Based on the general reaction so far, it would be less disturbing to say I work in a leper colony.

Anyway, I held off for 2 months on writing about the guy I call The Headless Horseman. I thought we might meet up again. Mainly, because he said, “Let’s meet up again!” But that ship has sailed… so away we go!

He was from Chemistry. He was 37, lived in CT, never married, no kids, no pets. Had an MBA, worked in finance (Again? Really? Seriously? I need to diversify my portfolio. Then again, maybe I don't.). He claimed to be 6’2”, with brown eyes and brown hair. I say “claimed,” because he didn’t have any photos posted. Not a one.

Now, I KNOW what you’re thinking. No photo? Are you CRAZY? He must be married, or horribly disfigured, or 1 of the 10 Most Wanted. I should really know better.

It’s true. He might have been all those things, but I plowed ahead anyway. SO unlike me.

We emailed pretty regularly for a few weeks. ONLY email -- he never gave me a phone number, and never asked for mine. And while there was a definite formula to his responses -- roughly 4 paragraphs long, with exactly 2 questions every time -- the substance of his emails was both nice and normal. The only oddball thing was that he still would NOT give up the photo, even after I explicitly asked for it! It was too personal, he said. Okaaaay.

Eventually, he did ask me out. I secretly wondered if he'd be wearing a bag over his very private head. When I met him, I didn’t even know who I was looking for. Not smart, I know. But could I really get killed at a Starbucks in the Waldorf? I’m thinking no...

And, turns out he WAS normal looking. Totally, average-ly, middle of the road-ly, normal looking. Forgettable, even. Like a piece of dry toast. I was like, what, no tan line from where his wedding band usually is? No droopy eye so I can’t tell if it’s staring at me or my boob? No giant scorpion tattoo on his face from his stint in the Joint?

Nope. Nada. Normal.

We spent about an hour and a half talking -- conversation was easy breezy. I even laughed. On purpose! And for the first time during this whole miserable online dating process, I thought, here’s someone who’s NOT horrible! I just might like to see this not horrible person again!

When we parted ways, he shook my hand to say goodbye (karma for Costanza?), which I didn’t take as a good sign. But he emailed me a few days later saying he had a nice time and wanted to do it again. Which I DID take as a good sign. Over the next 6 weeks, though, The Headless Horseman drifted from potential to pen pal to poltergeist.

As you know, I’m not terribly forward, so I waited for him to make our next date. We emailed back and forth for about two weeks, but not a peep. And these weren’t dead-end emails where he was just too nice to come out and say he wasn’t interested. He always asked me MORE questions. So I answered them. Until I got fed up with being pen pals.

I decided to be bold.

I told him I’d be in CT visiting my brother and sister-in-law before their baby was born and it would be great to meet up for lunch on my way back to the city. Lunch on a Sunday. Sounds casual enough, right? Non-scary? He responded about an hour later saying he’d “very much look forward to meeting” but he was golfing with his old boss. Ok, that’s cool. He said he expected to be back in the city in the next 2 weeks for work and would let me know once he knew the exact date.

Well I certainly wasn’t putting another date out there. So I waited. He kept emailing, so I replied. And then waited some more. Tenth email’s the charm, right? Wrong.

After that, he disappeared. Poof, like a ghost. Until this past Friday.

Pumpkin Head popped up out of the blue. Right there in my inbox! He changed his email formula too. Two paragraphs, NO questions...

Work’s been crazy, he said. I’m sorry, he said. Hasn’t had time for dating, which was the “story of his life.” Blah blah blah. Whatevs. I didn’t want to be totally rude so I sent him a short note today (5 days later) to wish him the best, and say I hope he makes time to enjoy the summer (if the sun ever comes out again). The end.

And so, here we are. What do YOU think happened here?

Was his job REALLY such a drag? Or was he just not that into me? I’m thinking the latter… which is ok by me. Because at the end of the day, I want a guy with a head. And some balls.

Cuckoo for Nosferatu

I’m on this vampire kick.

I was helpless to resist the marketing machine behind Twilight. I broke down in March and bought the DVD alongside millions of “young adults,” for whom the series was originally written. Luckily I look younger than my advanced age of 35 (being plump = no wrinkles!). So I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, went to Best Buy, and tried to blend in. (I stopped short of popping in my retainer, mainly because it cracked about 20 years ago, when I actually WAS a young adult.)

Well, the movie was the gateway drug that lead me to the Stephanie Meyer books… which reminded me how much I liked True Blood… which then turned into a quest to find the mysteries by Charlaine Harris that inspired that series… which made me re-watch season 1 on DVD… which now brings me to HBO to watch season 2 that just started on Sunday night.

I think I’ve been glamoured.

Someone recently asked me which I liked better, Twilight or True Blood? It was as if they’d asked me the meaning of life. I really couldn’t answer. It’s not a Coke or Pepsi (Coke, but shhhh don’t tell my bro), Yankees or Mets (Yanks), Blair or Serena (Blair, all the way) kind of a question.

So, here’s my attempt at driving a stake into the heart of the issue -- in the hopes of finding my FF (favorite fang):

Fan Investment:
>> Twilight: 4 hardcover books (2,560 pages), plus a movie franchise
>> True Blood: 7 paperback books (2,179 pages), plus a TV series
>> Winner: Twilight, those fans are lunatics
Score: Twilight – 1, True Blood – 0

Spooky Location:
>> Twilight: stormy Forks, Washington
>> True Blood: swampy Bon Temps, Louisiana
>> Winner: True Blood, what’s better than voodoo in the bayou?
Score: Twilight – 1, True Blood – 1

Moody Theme Song:
>> Twilight: “Decode” by Paramore is haunting and intense
>> True Blood: “Bad Things” by Jace Everett is southern and supernatural
>> Winner: Twilight, but only by a smidge
Score: Twilight – 2, True Blood – 1

Vampire Legends:
>> Twilight: They live among us, but in secret. Can’t be seen in sunlight or else their skin sparkles like diamonds. They don’t sleep, ever. While most drink human blood, more evolved vamps consider themselves to be vegetarians by drinking only from animals. And they join forces with werewolves to fight crimes.
>> True Blood: They are out of the coffin, so to speak, and are a known part of the general population. Can’t be seen in the sunlight or else they burst into flames. They do sleep in coffins. While they prefer human blood, in order to mainstream with society they mainly drink synthetic bottled blood (flavored Type O, A, B, AB) from Japan. And they join forces with shape-shifters to fight crimes.
>> Winner: True Blood, seems more real, in an impossible kind of way
Score: Twilight – 2, True Blood – 2

Lead Vamp:
>> Twilight: Edward Cullen, born in 1901, turned vampire at age 17, looks like he stepped off the pages of GQ
>> True Blood: Bill Compton, born in 1840, turned vampire at age 28, looks like he stepped off the pages of the Farmer’s Almanac
>> Winner: Twilight, I know he’s underage, but I'm all about Edward
Score: Twilight – 3, True Blood – 2

Damsel in Distress:
>> Twilight: Bella Swan, a clumsy 17 year old high school student
>> True Blood: Sookie Stackhouse, a telepathic 25 year old waitress
>> Winner: True Blood, Sookie kicks ass
Score: Twilight – 3, True Blood – 3

Most Influential Secondary Character:
>> Twilight: Alice Cullen, Edward’s “sister,” who can see into the future
>> True Blood: Tie between Eric Northman, a vampire sheriff, who owns the local bar, Fangtasia; and Sam Merlotte, Sookie’s shape-shifting boss, who owns the local bar, Merlotte’s
>> Winner: True Blood, those boys are cooler
Score: Twilight – 3, True Blood – 4

Getting Down to Business:
>> Twilight: No sex until marriage
>> True Blood: All sex all the time
>> Winner: True Blood, for obvious reasons
Score: Twilight – 3, True Blood – 5

Getting Lost in the Story:
>> Twilight: When I wasn’t reading these books, I was thinking about reading them. I’m pretty sure I got thru 2500 pages in about 3 weeks.
>> True Blood: While the books are good, the show is better. I tried stockpiling a few episodes at a time, but I just couldn’t wait to watch.
>> Winner: Twilight, I could not put them down
Score: Twilight – 4, True Blood – 5

Staying True to the Story:
>> Twilight: Incredibly faithful retelling of book 1 by Catherine Hardwicke
>> True Blood: Incredibly creative retelling of book 1 by Alan Ball
>> Winner: Tie, they’re both true in their own ways. No points here.
Score: Twilight – 4, True Blood – 5

Feeling When it Ended:
>> Twilight: Totally sad
>> True Blood: Totally hungry (it was lunchtime)
>> Winner: Twilight, I really didn’t want it to end
Score: Twilight – 5, True Blood – 5


So sue me. I can’t decide. I love them both equally. Like two (blood-thirsty) children.

Anyone else having a Dracula moment? Or is it just me?

Like a Rock

Have you ever been inspired by a car commercial?

I was watching TV last nite (surprise, surprise), and I got stopped in my tracks by the new commercial GM is running. First I watched it live, then I watched it again.

It was SO inspiring it made me want to run out, buy a red pickup truck, wave a cowboy hat up in the air, and eat a hot dog.

Haven’t seen it yet? You need to. From sea to shining sea, over moving photos of losses (a defeated hockey player pounding on the ice, the desolate streets of Detroit) and victories (a 1-legged runner in a marathon, a sprout of grass growing from the dirt), is a voice...

First, he lays it on the line: “Let’s be completely honest. No company wants to go through this.” Referring, of course to GM’s declaration of bankruptcy. He says the days of having 8 car brands are gone, and promises a bright future where "leaner, greener, faster, smarter" models run on new technologies like fuel cells (see, monster trucks ARE good for the earth!). “Reinvention is the only way we can fix this,” he boldly declares, “and fix it we WILL.”

Then, he hits it out of the fruited plain, “This is not about going OUT of business. This is about getting DOWN to business. Because the ONLY chapter we’re focused on... is chapter one.”

Wow. I think by that point, I stood up and saluted the TV.

I don’t own a car anymore now that I’m a city slicker (sniff, sniff). When I did, GM was not even on my radar. I was all about the imports -- Volkswagen, Nissan, and BMW. So that’s some pretty powerful advertising. What’s even more impressive to me is that GM only announced this news, like, 2 weeks ago, and they already have an ad campaign addressing it head-on. It also stands to reason that with all the people they owe millions (billions?) of dollars to, their ad agency's hand is most certainly outstretched. And yet, they still delivered. Big time.

This can-do spot gives me hope that maybe the worst of this slump is behind us. And we can ALL get down to business again. That’s good marketing.

But what do I know? I thought Adam Lambert would win American Idol.

Watch the full commercial below:

To Move, or Not to Move?

Back around the holidays I told you about a love note I received from my building. Well, it wasn’t a love note exactly.

More of a list of people to tip.

Anyway, they’ve continued leaving treats in my mailbox these last few months. The next letter I received, roughly around Valentine’s Day, stated how much they enjoy having me as a resident (and frankly, who wouldn’t?), and how much they yearn to give me peace of mind about “rising rental costs.” Let me repeat… Rising. Rental. Costs. So they decided NOT to raise my rent, if I would simply agree to the small matter of renewing my lease 6 months before it expired.

Hmm, let me see if I understand this. Not raising my rent when the housing market has effectively collapsed, when about half my floor is empty, and when I know I’m paying way above market value for my teeny-tiny deluxe apartment in the sky?

How generous. You spoil me.

First offer -- REJECTED!

Some time went by (tick tock, tick tock), and my silence must have been deafening because about a week ago another letter came my way. Lo and behold, they are now offering flexible leasing terms to suit my needs. MY needs? Aw, how thoughtful! It turns out, renewing today for another 12 months will mean a $125/mo DECREASE. Nice to see they at least have a pinky toe in reality now -- the number is certainly moving in the right direction.

But we haven’t reached home.

My lease is up on August 1st, so I sit, and I wait (tick tock, tick tock), armed with three facts: 1) the same apt as mine, 4 floors higher, was going for $500/mo LESS than I’m paying, 2) the construction they’ve been doing on the balconies and the roof deck is moving at a snail’s pace (probably because they’re broke), making the building less attractive to new residents, and 3) the 2-bedroom to my left (home to a very sloppy family) and 1-bedroom to my right (home to French models, ooh la la) are both vacant and have been for many, MANY months.

Now, I really loathe the idea of moving -- it sucks the life out of me. Just the organization alone is enough to give me hives. So if I threaten to leave, it will be a bluff. I want to do no such thing. But I feel like I have an incredibly rare opportunity here.

I feel drunk with power!

So, beloved readers, I’d like your advice (don’t be shy, all the cool kids are doing it).

poll by twiigs.com

Stay tuned to the comments and I'll let you know how it all turns out...

Seven Strikes

So I’ve had a bunch of dates lately. Honestly, more than I’ve ever had in my entire life. I blame the Spring. I may need a spreadsheet to keep track of it all (ok, ok, I HAVE a spreadsheet to keep track of it all).

I met one of the Match guys for drinks at Dos Caminos. Let’s call him George Costanza (not because of the way he looked, thankfully, but because his screen name had a Seinfeld flair to it). He was 39, grew up here in NYC, lives on the UES. Emory undergrad, MBA from NYU, and manages a hedge fund (when he's not busy being an architect or an importer/exporter). 6’1”. Had an ex-wife and hair (on his head), didn’t have kids or pets. And loved TV.

Are you noticing a few scary patterns here? I know, I am too…

Anyway, from the moment we said wassup, Georgie was a step (or two or three) ahead of me. You might say, he was putting the cart before the horse. He was the Kramer to my Jerry.

We’d had a few email exchanges -- brief ones mainly focused on our mutual love of television and the time/date/place of our first meeting. The only personal nugget he revealed to me that wasn’t in his profile was his first name. So when he arrived (9 minutes late), said, “Hey, you!” as though he’d forgotten MY name, and went in for the hug, he was met… with a handshake. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! We barely knew eachother. There was no need for any more physical contact than you might have with a loan officer.

Strike one (half for the potential name-forgetting, and half for the huggy hello).

He led the way to one of the downstairs bars and he ordered our drinks. That was nice. A vodka martini for him, an Amstel for me. Right off the bat, he started talking about 24 (apparently he watched all of season 1 in BED with his ex-wife, "Susan"), and explained how we could learn a thing or two about torture from Jack Bauer. THAT is what is known as a Conversation Killer. It was a first date 1-2 punch of the ex-wife and the cheerful subject of torture. I had nothing to say. So I sipped my beer. Strike two.

We were seated pretty far from the bar, side by side on two stools, like we were waiting for the bus. It wasn’t long before he got up and stood in front of me, while I stayed put on the stool. In the time it took to drink a drink, he’d invited himself over my apartment TWICE (once to “see my DVD collection” and again, in an offer to hook my TV up to my laptop so I could download bootleg movies). I shrugged my shoulders uncomfortably. Strike three.

Costanza finished the last of his martini, leaving just 3 olives on a stick. He savored the 1st one like it was a chocolate éclair fresh from the trash, then chomped on the 2nd. He slid the 3rd one off the stick, swirled it around in his glass, and offered it to me. To me?? ICK!! Forget I don’t really like olives, but here was this stranger offering me the backwashiest one of the bunch. Gross. And, strike four.

He must’ve been sending secret hand signals to the bartender behind his back, because next thing I know, there’s another drink in my hand. Ugh. With a new drink, also came a new desire to sit down next to me. So he did. And he whipped out his Blackberry to show me pics of his nieces and nephews. A couple of pics, ok. But we must’ve looked at 150. And peppered between the photos of smiling children celebrating Festivus were weird things. Like a bacon-wrapped meatloaf. And a close-up of some woman’s cleavage. And a small white dog, wearing a motorcycle jacket while smoking a cigar. You can’t make this stuff up. Strike five.

Throughout the impromptu slideshow, he seized several opportunities to touch my shoulder, my arm, my knee. I kept slowly sliding further and further away until I only had 1/2 of 1 butt cheek still left on the stool. BIG strike six.

At that point we’d been there for over an hour -- and I was practically standing anyway, so I was ready to end the date. He really wasn’t such a bad guy, but he was just so forward that it put me off. So, I muttered something about having an early meeting (maybe I’M the guy here?), and put on my jacket. We went up a long flight of stairs where I’m 90% sure he was trailing behind to get a better look at my… behind (yes, ok, HE IS the guy). I’m feeling generous, so no strikes here.

When we got outside, I saw it started raining. Pouring, actually. So we both opened our umbrellas. And I turned to him to say thanks for the drinks, goodnight, and goodbye. He asked me to share a cab, and I politely declined, saying something stupid about loving to walk in the rain (PS: I don't). So that was it. The final moment. The end of the date. And he goes in for… the kiss (um, really?!?).

So, what did Georgie get? A face-full of my hair, which was growing denser by the minute in the extreme humidity. Striiiike seven.

Now, I’m not a baseball fanatic or anything, but I’m fairly certain you only get THREE strikes. And I think Captain Observant finally got the message too, because I haven’t heard from him. Except for the time he showed up on my doorstep with some bootleg DVDs.

Kidding.

So what do YOU think? Do I need to loosen up? Or does being an uptight sourpuss suit me?

Go Nuts for Donuts

Ever want to be Michael Vale? You know, the “time to make the donuts” guy?

No? Maybe that’s just me. Because tonight, I was a mustache and a paper hat away from hopping behind my local Dunkin' Donuts counter.

It’s true, I’m not big on the Dunk, but I love me some Donut. And Boston Kreme is my fave. Now, I had no plans to eat donuts tonight (and yes, I am the type of person who would make such a plan in advance), but I was walking down 2nd ave on my way home from work, and I was overwhelmed by the smell. The delicious smell of donuts. Resistance was futile.

Can I help it if one (or three) followed me home?

Now, if the incompetent donut wrangler behind the counter had her way, I would have gone home empty-handed. She made me work for it. She was “listening challenged.” Maybe she got mesmerized by all the donut flavors. Or maybe she was wondering how many Coolatas it would take to fill a bathtub. Or maybe she was still in shock that Adam Lambert lost. I don’t know.

I approached the counter, I looked her in the eye, and in a sweet voice sang, “I’d like a Boston Kreme, please!” After all, I was excited. I was having a spontaneous donut! She nodded (a universally accepted sign of understanding an order), then called out over her shoulder, “A cruller?”

“No,” I huffed, trying to speak more clearly, “Bos-ton Kreme.” She smiled weakly, turned back to the Wall O’ Donuts, paused and asked, “Blueberry crumb?” I immediately scanned the room for a camera, didn’t see one, and shouted, “BOSSS-TONNN KREEEME!”, then angrily pointed my whole arm in the direction of a rack holding about 2 dozen of them.

Her face scrunched up, as she pawed at the rack and dumped THREE donuts in a bag (please see above to witness that I actually only ordered one). I swear I heard the guy in line behind me mutter under his breath, “Somebody’s hungry!” But when I whipped around to glare at him, he was pretending to read his mail. Jerk.

Anyway, I DID get my donut(s). And ol’ Dumbo Ears didn’t have time to spit on them or drop them on the floor, which was nice. But it turns out the bigger test of willpower is NOT whether or not you can resist walking by your local DD -- it’s whether or not you can resist eating all three donuts for dinner (PS: I can, but only because the last one was judging me).

Want to save yourself the humiliation (and calories) of eating actual donuts?

DD has invented a way for us to play with their food with the Donut Creator tool where you can also vote on your favorite pre-designed goodies. I’d imagine one or more will be offered in-store for purchase.

Just make sure to enunciate when you place your order…