We're Not In Pine Brook Anymore

9/28/2009

One and Done

I don’t know where my head was on Friday.

It was One Hit Wonder Day! I already missed International Bacon Day (September 8th). And National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19th). I simply cannot overlook ANOTHER September holiday, even if I am 3 days late.

So here’s my list of one-hit faves from the past 3 decades. And these aren’t remakes (sorry The Ataris and your “The Boys of Summer”), or celebs turned musicians (that means YOU, Eddie Murphy, AND your girl who wants to “Party All the Time”). These are actual songs from artists who hit Billboard’s Top 40 once, and that was it.

One and done.

Oh, and I decided to cut the 2000’s off at 2002, figuring if they haven’t recorded a second hit in the last 7 years, they probably don’t have another one left in them…

1970: The Five Stairsteps, “O-o-h Child”
1971: Jean Knight, “Mr. Big Stuff”
1972: Looking Glass, “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)”
1973: King Harvest, “Dancin’ in the Moonlight”
1974: Blue Swede, “Hooked on a Feeling”
1975: Morris Albert, “Feelings” (totally kidding, 1975, it seems was TOTAL crap for OHWs)
1976: Vicki Sue Robinson, “Turn the Beat Around”
1977: Thelma Houston, “Don’t Leave Me this Way”
1978: Alicia Bridges, “I Love the Nightlife (Disco ‘Round)"
1979: TIE -- The Knack, “My Sharona” and Kermit the Frog, “Rainbow Connection”

1980: The Sugarhill Gang, “Rapper’s Delight”
1981: Tommy Tutone, “867-5309/Jenny” (for obvious reasons)
1982: Soft Cell, “Tainted Love”
1983: TIE -- Dexy’s Midnight Runners, “Come on Eileen” and Taco, “Puttin’ on the Ritz”
1984: TIE -- Nena, “99 Luftballons” and Shannon, “Let the Music Play”
1985: TIE -- Falco, “Rock Me Amadeus” and Murray Head, “One Night in Bangkok”
1986: Timbuk 3, “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades”
1987: TIE -- Breakfast Club, “Right on Track” and Bill Medley, “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life”
1988: TIE -- The Church, “Under the Milky Way” and Midnight Oil, “Beds Are Burning”
1989: Jeff Healey Band, “Angel Eyes”

1990: Michael Penn, “No Myth”
1991: Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”
1992: Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Baby Got Back”
1993: 4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?”
1994: Nothing good happened in '94, unless you count the Crash Test Dummies (which I do not)
1995: Edwin Collins, “A Girl Like You”
1996: Seven Mary Three, “Cumbersome”
1997: Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping”
1998: TIE -- The Verve, “Bittersweet Symphony” and Semisonic, “Closing Time”
1999: TIE -- Eagle Eye Cherry, “Save Tonight” and Shawn Mullins, “Lullaby”

2000: Nine Days, “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”
2001: TIE – Fuel, “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” and Willa Ford, “I Wanna Be Bad”
2002: Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle"

So that's my list, for better or worse. Am I missing YOUR favorite ditty? Too bad.

Jokes, jokes... add them below.

9/22/2009

Note to Celebrities: Please Stop Dying

***Thanks go out to the overwhelming majority of 6 who answered my poll! I will keep blogging for YOU (and also for the 16 other people who read that post but didn’t feel the need to vote -- I take your silence as consent!). And now… let's begin We’re Not In Pine Brook Anymore, Part Deux.***

Summer is officially over. Boo.

The Times recently uncovered a frightening seasonal phenomenon. And no, it’s not about the rain. It’s about celebrities.

They kinda keep dying. Making this… (cue spooky music) The Summer of Death.

Morbid? Yes. But also true! The AP is in a bunch over the number of celebs who kicked it in the Summer of 2009 too. And New York Magazine, puts the number at 29 which nearly doubles their 1993 record of 15.

Numbers aside, the wattage of these stars are above average. Here’s the 11 I’ll miss most:

Walter Cronkite: What's the coolest thing you can say about the Most Trusted Man in America? He was made into a Muppet -- a grouchy journalist called Walter Cranky!
Best Quote: “Objective journalism and opinion column are about as similar as the Bible and Playboy magazine.”

Dominick Dunne: He was driven by the murder of his own daughter (and the slap on the wrist her boyfriend received for killing her), so I loved his coverage of high-profile criminal trials. It’s rumored that he got his big break in the literary world by being seated next to Vanity Fair editor, Tina Brown, at a dinner party. I really need to start eating out more.
Best Quote: “I’m sick of being asked to weep for killers. We’ve lost our sense of outrage.”

Farrah Fawcett: I saw the world's most popular pinup in Newark Airport years ago, coming off the red-eye from California. She really did have great hair.
Best Quote: “The reason that the all-American boy prefers beauty to brains is that he can see better than he can think.”

John Hughes: Man, I still can’t get over this one! This guy made me want to spend my teenage years in the suburbs of Chicago -- riding a parade float while singing Twist & Shout, blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday cake, and sitting in detention with a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. He WAS the 80's.
Best Quote: “I don’t think of kids as a lower form of the human species.”

Michael Jackson: I’ve already told you how I feel about this one. But to me, June 25th was more than just the day the music died. It's also the day my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We visited 5 Napkin Burger, where he ordered a delicious bacon burger and I ordered... a burger salad. Lame choice. Surprised he didn't tell me to beat it.
Best Quote: “Through it, my music, I know I will live forever.”

Billy Mays: What can I say about this densely-bearded fellow that I haven’t already said? His sales pitches were irresistable! I now have a Big City Slider Station in his honor, which I keep at my parents house in Florida because my apartment is too small.
Best Quote: “I don’t take on a product unless I believe in it. I use everything that I sell.”

Frank McCourt: I had the pleasure of meeting this kind man after the success of his memoir, Angela's Ashes, when I worked in book publishing. He truly was as charming, humble, and utterly delightful as you'd imagine.
Best Quote: "I wasn't prepared for America, where everybody is glowing with good teeth and good clothes and food."

Ed McMahon: It’s true, his face got a little freaky looking towards the end, but how can you not want to hug this affable late-night sidekick? He was like a human laugh track. I even enjoyed his Cash for Gold commercials with MC Hammer!
Best Quote: “Johnny once described our relationship by saying we were as close as two people could be without being married.”

Les Paul: You've got to admire a guy who never learned how to read sheet music, yet he invented the sound of rock and roll. His Gibson electric guitars sell for thousands. And bonus points because he lived in Mahwah, NJ for many years… bada bing!
Best Quote: "My first guitar came from Sears & Roebuck and I believe it was $3.95."

Patrick Swayze: Loved him in Dirty Dancing, Youngblood, Road House, The Outsiders and Point Break (Ghost? Not so much). But you know my favorite PSwayz role? Orry Main in the TV miniseries, North & South. His views were questionable, but he really rocked that mullet.
Best Quote: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” (c’mon, did you REALLY think I’d choose anything less?)

The Taco Bell Dog: Little Gidget (who assumed the role from a Chihuahua named Dinky) was a sombrero-wearing face of controversy in the Hispanic community for reinforcing bad stereotypes. But the next time I chow down on a MexiMelt, I’ll think of you…
Best Quote: “Drop the chalupa!”

Honorable mention also goes to Dom DeLuise (loved his cookbook Eat This -- never trust a skinny cook!) and Bea Arthur (snarky Dorothy Zbornak was my fave Golden Girl). They technically passed on before the summer began, but were still pretty cool peeps.

So, Celebrities, do yourselves a favor and stay home this fall. Get a nice Netflix subscription, a Snuggie, and a soothing chai latte.

The world will thank you.

Did I miss any of YOUR favorites? Add them below!

9/17/2009

Happy Blog-iversary

Well, I’ve been at it for exactly a year.

Blogging, that is.

It all started on a bizarre night at The Box, when I was hit with the distinct, swirly feeling that I wasn’t in Kansas, err... Pine Brook... anymore. And a blog was born.

As you know, this was my easy-breezy way to get back into writing, so I could eventually turn my attention back to my scary manuscript. But the reality is, I’ve had a ton of fun just blogging for blogging’s sake (although I don’t do it as often as I should -- bad Jenny!).

Even better, a couple of people out there actually read this thing! Probably even YOU. So hopefully, you’ve had some fun along the way too. (I especially love it when you leave me comments... hint, HINT.)

The one-year mark seems about the right time to peek under the hood and kick the tires. So, here’s a look at the blog's numbers, according to my good friend, The Google:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:

6.3 (Highest: December, Lowest: July)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:

35 (Highest: August, Lowest: February)

Average Pageviews Per Month:

273 (Highest: November, Lowest: February)

Average Time Spent Per Visit:

3 minutes 23 seconds

9/02/2009

The World Is Lousy with Jennifers

Don’t believe me?

Guaranteed you have a good friend, or a buddy at work, or a neighbor, or an ex-girlfriend, or a dogwalker named Jennifer (or Jenny or Jen, but NEVER Jenn or Jenifer or Genifer).

And probably not just one either -- more like five!

Take me, for example. When I was in college, my roommate for all four years was also named Jen. And by the time we were seniors, FOUR out of the EIGHT girls living in our house were named Jen (that’s 50% Jen!).

I’m totally convinced that one day, in the not so distant future, Jennifer will be a Scary Old Lady Name (much like Mildred, or Agnes) and retirement communities across the country will be overrun with them.

I can just imagine all the wrinkly old biddies that will pick up their confused little heads every time someone calls out that name. They’ll have to get nicknames to help differentiate, like Recently Had Hip Replacement Surgery Jen, and Always Forgets Her Glasses Jen, and Stinks Kinda Like Ben-Gay Jen.

It will be chaos.

Anyway, the pervasiveness of my name within my age group isn’t just a gut feeling. It’s a fact. According to the rankings issued by the Social Security Administration last week (and they ought to know!), Jennifer is now the 84th most popular girl’s name. Okay. But that’s in a world filled with Nevaehs (#34), Makaylas (#37), and Destinys (#48)…

Back in boring times, Jennifer first broke the top 20 most popular baby names in 1965. In its Glory Days, it ranked as the #1 girl’s name for FIFTEEN STRAIGHT YEARS -- from 1970 - 1984. In 1985, it slipped to #3 -- which was the beginning of its merciful descent.

The Reign of Jennifer makes it the 2nd most popular girl’s name in the last 100 YEARS. (In case you are curious, Mary takes the crown as the 1st most popular from 1909 – 1946 and again from 1953 – 1961.)

So… who cares (other than the obvious 8 gazillion Jennifers out there)?

Well, I think my peers who are now parents have also taken note of the “dime a dozen” quality of many of our first names and are coming up with better alternatives for their own kids. Back in February, I told you about 10 babies being born to my own family and friends, and now, they’ve all arrived – happy, healthy, and cute as buttons!

What’s better? They ALL have unique names! (Though it does NOT escape my attention that two of the moms listed below are also named Jennifer…)

Welcome to the World:

Lindsay (#380) JoyBorn in March to Cara & Mike (and big sisters Jillian & Alyssa)

Grace (#21) ElizabethBorn on May 6th to Liz & Steve

Rebecca (#119) Belle
Born on May 14th to Anne & Dave

William (#8) Charles
Born on May 22nd to Jen & Adam (and big sister Cielle and big brother Ryan)

Roya (*) LilyBorn on June 6th to Minoo & Rob
(*Roya is totally original and way too cool for a ranking!)

Lydia (#120) Rose
Born on June 10th to Jen & Nate

Peyton (#60) VictoriaBorn in July to Stacey & Lou (and big brother, little Lou)

Evan (#38) CarterBorn on July 30th to Joanna & Robert

Bryce (#116) ThomasBorn on August 7th to Sheila & Kyle (and big sister Lilly)

Matthew (#10) FinbarBorn on August 8th to Pam & Gerry (and big sister Elena)

Congrats to all the new moms and dads! Much love to all of you.

Now don’t let me be Little Miss Vain all by myself -- check how popular YOUR name is and add it to the comments below! And sorry, but “Anonymous” won’t appear on the list...

8/20/2009

Sad Men

I was SOOO excited for Sunday’s Season 3 premiere of Mad Men (if you don’t watch it, please crawl out from under your pop-culture rock and read this recap immediately).

Being the MM veteran that I am, I Mad Men’ed Myself right into the offices of Sterling Cooper -- and yes, I stand by my decision to wear a pink polkadot party dress. I quizzed myself to find out Which Mad Man Am I? Turns out, I’m Betty “How’s Therapy Going?” Draper -- which says nothing good about me AT ALL, but whatevs. And I made a phone date with my mom to watch the show together, like we always do.

Except, I didn’t love it.

In fact, I didn’t even like it!

And it’s NOT because the subtle nuance is lost on my thick skull (yes, yes, I GET IT, the London Fog client is a metaphor for the smoke and mirrors in Don’s personal life, or the ad biz in general). And it’s NOT because the overt messages try too hard (pitting Pete and Ken as the dueling head of accounts was just plain silly, even though that actually happened to me once in real life -- and PS: I won). And it’s NOT because of the politically incorrect way they depict life in the 1960’s (that ballpoint pen in Sal’s shirt pocket sure was happy to see the bellboy, huh?).

It’s because it wasn’t entertaining. And that makes me sad.

Last year, I gave you 5 reasons I would miss Mad Men. Now, here are 5 reasons I'd like to forget Sunday’s episode entirely:

1. Warm Milk and Gross Feet
Warm milk is just disgusting, and I could REALLY do without that shot of the gloopy skin that forms on top. But more disturbing was the sight of Don Draper’s feet. If those Flintstone hammertoes were his, please require him to wear two pairs of socks. Simultaneously. At all times. I’m sure they revealed a lot of important backstory in that scene, but all I could think was… eeeeew!

2. Enough with the Screwing Around
Won’t Don EVER learn? I’m starting not to like him. At all. As if banging a random stewardess that looks an awful lot like his pregnant wife, Betty, wasn’t enough, giving said stewardess’s silver airplane wings to his daughter, Sally, as a souvenir from the road was just too much. Stop being slimy.

3. Not Enough Roger Sterling
Now THIS womanizer with a bum ticker needs to be in every scene. Having the Silver Fox breeze thru for like 30 seconds was cruel and unusual.

4. Peggy Olson Needs to Chillax
I understand that she’s a woman in a man’s world and if she could turn her boobs into balls she would. But why is she so freaking uptight?

5. Pull Up Your Diapers, Whiny Pete
You can just picture Pete Campbell whining, “But Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa nooooow!” Can we PLEASE see how he dealt with the news that he knocked Peggy up and she gave their kid away?! Nobody cares about his new desk accessory that boldly declares, “The Buck Stops Here.”

Oh! And in the “You Can’t Be Serious” department, um… lemme get this straight: Did Dick Whitman’s mother really name him after a…? Geez. No wonder he switched his name to Don.

Anyway, I kept watching. And kept waiting for it to get better. 52 minutes later, and no dice. But I did enjoy the BMW commercials!

So, did YOU watch? Did you like? And, seriously… can anyone tell me what the hell was UP with dreamy Don Draper’s feet??

8/19/2009

18 (x2)

Happy (belated) birthday to me!

On August 3rd, I officially turned 18 (x2). I say it this way because I can no longer say my actual age. I know, it’s silly. I mean, how hard can it possibly be?

Thiiiirrrrtttyyy ssss… nope. Can’t do it.

Anyway, aside from thinking I’m a total freak, you’re probably asking yourself why I waited until now to blog about it (or perhaps you’re just waiting with bated breath for my musings on bellybutton lint).

Am I just lazy? Well, sort of, yes.

But really, I waited to write this post until I finished celebrating! I mean, I don’t just celebrate my birthDAY -- I celebrate my birthWEEK (sometimes TWO if I’m feeling frisky!). Which, is interesting because I while I hate the idea of aging, I really do heart my birthday.

Now, I won’t bore you with 36 things you should know about my birthday (although it IS tempting). Instead, I will submit 3 critical birthday facts for your review:

1) I never work on my birthday.
Being a summer baby, I never had to go to school on my birthday. In fact, I never had to do much of ANYTHING except open presents and eat cake. So, imagine my dismay upon graduation to The Real World. I began my very first job in Parsippany, NJ, a week before my 22nd birthday -- and I had to WORK on the Big Day! Nobody even knew my name, much less that it was my birthday. I was stuck in the photocopy room all day and can still vividly recall jabbing the collate button with my index finger, while grumbling, “This totally sucks!” So, on August 3, 1995, feeling lightheaded from the overwhelming scent of toner, I vowed never again to work on my birthday. And I never have.

2) I always have a cheesecake birthday cake.
Some people like cupcakes. Some people like ice cream cake. Some people are birthday Grinches and eat broccoli instead. Me? I like cheesecake. But ONLY creamy New York-style. Not that crappy, lumpy, gross-tasting Italian kind (as much as I love the Itals, ricotta does not a cheesecake make). And I am a purist -- just plain cheesecake, maybe with strawberries on the side, please. This is the best cake to make a proper wish upon, in my opinion.

3) I always buy myself a gift.
I love buying gifts for people! So it stands to reason that in the days and weeks around my birthday, I find just about every excuse possible to treat myself. Usually it’s small things, and one big splurge. This year, it occurred to me that I hadn’t really gotten myself anything yet, which I happened to mention to my mom. She replied, “You already got a gift. From a BOY. Who you are not related to. Quit while you’re ahead.” Actually, she may be right about that one…

So, do YOU have any favorite memories about MY birthday??

Kidding, kidding. I’ll also take your favorite kinds of birthday cake…

8/06/2009

All Points West

This past Saturday, my brother and I trekked back to the Mother Land. Yes, we went home to the Jerz.

You gotta get back to your roots every now and again.

We originally had tickets last summer to the first All Points West music & arts festival at Liberty State Park. We were hoping to see Radiohead. But as luck would have it, our tix were for the same weekend that we wound up helping our parents move down to Florida. I think we were somewhere in Georgia by the time Radiohead took the stage in Jersey City.

So we couldn’t hear them very well.

This year, I promised my brother we’d get to the festival for reals. And get there we did! Here are the highlights…

BEST BAND: Gogol Bordello
While we came to see Tool, (and the Arctic Monkeys were pretty great too), this crazy little band stands out to me above all the rest. They had an amazing energy, you could not stand still when they were playing, and they used a trippy smorgasbord of instruments (banjo, accordion, electric guitar, violin, PLUS a bongo-playing man in a wrestling mask and two tambourine-playing dancing nymphs -- oh my!). It sounded unexpectedly awesome. I didn’t even realize until the end that the songs weren’t all in English. Whatever. I’m a fan.
Download this: Tribal Connection and Mala Vida

WORST BAND: My Bloody Valentine
This band should be called My Bloody Ears. The guitars were so loud and distorted, it was just screechy noise. A sonic assault. Apparently their POINT is to be loud and all the Kool Kidz totally get it, but never have I seen so many people standing totally still during a concert. Everyone was just dumbfounded, I guess. Or deaf. And while I swore I saw the band’s lips moving, there was not one discernable lyric in their entire set until they said, “Goodnight.” I say, “Good riddance.”
Download this: Don’t Bother (no, seriously, don’t bother)

BEST FOOD I ATE: Funnel Cake
I love funnel cake. It’s really just as simple as that.

WORST FOOD I ATE: Tiny Meatballs
Tiny meatballs freak me out. Actually, don’t love the big ones either. Especially when they have giant chunks of bread in them, or weird ingredients like nuts and raisins. Blech. But, I do like meatballs on my pizza… go figure. I am a riddle wrapped in an enigma.

BEST FOOD I DIDN’T EAT: PB&J
I sprung for VIP tix because that’s how I roll. Ok, that’s how I LIKE to roll. Ok, ok… it was a treat for my brother. But regardless, the first thing I saw when we entered the tres chic VIP tent was a make your own PB&J sandwich station. I kinda loved that.

WORST FOOD I DIDN’T EAT: Burritos
From the APW message board: “By any chance did you have the burritos?? My friends ate burritos. I didn't luckily, and my stomach is acting kind of weird but not as bad as my friends who both have explosive diarrhea. Maybe some parasite from the feces we were all submerged in might have contaminated the burrito stand, and maybe the fact that we were submerged in it for three days may be why we are all sick. I hope its not some bird parasite.” I think that speaks for itself.

BEST DECISION: Taking the Ferry
This was a great way to get to the festival -- out on the open sea. I felt like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, minus the shoulder pads. Just ignore the ridiculous price ($25?!), and the fact that the walk to the dock was a good mile away from the main stage, AND the fact that the ferry tix weren’t transferrable from one day to the next (an expensive lesson I accidentally learned when a robust woman named Chantal informed me that I’d purchased tix for the wrong day). But… it sure was pretty!

WORST DECISION: Wearing Flip Flops
Rain + Grassy Knoll = Mud. Sure, Saturday was gorgeous, but the damage had already been done. Not sure what I was thinking when I decided to don a cute pair of flippers. The stench coming off the wet mulch was also something special. I can only hope it was poo. Incidentally, I did hear that APW was letting Friday's soggy ticket holders into the Saturday and Sunday shows for free, so that’s a pretty cool gesture (as long as you push aside the greedy motive of just hoping to sell even more $7 beers and $5 slices). If only they were offering a foot decontamination service. Then they’d truly be golden.

BEST ATTRACTION: Twix Misting Tent
While it wasn’t super hot out, the mist was cool and refreshing, and they served free Twix. I kept waiting for something awkward to happen so I could chew it over with Twix.

WORST ATTRACTION: Beer Gardens
Forget the 7 beer limit for the whole entire day -- you could only consume them in designated drinking zones (and yes, I GET it, we were in a state park). So I felt like we had to pound every beer in order to get back to the show. Hmmm. Maybe that was the point? Or maybe I’m just too old for that. Not sure. But I wound up being so full on yummy festival snacks (see above), that I only drank 4 of my 7 beer rations. Yes, it’s official, I am getting old.

BEST CELEB SIGHTING: Adrian Grenier
In the beer garden.

WORST CELEB SIGHTING: Courtney Love
At the falafel stand.

All in all, it was a blast. And a mess. It was a messy blast. Can’t WAIT to go again next year! (Seriously… wanna come??)

8/01/2009

Off the Market

I really never thought I’d be writing a post like this.

I try to be as honest as I can be in this blog. It’s not like my manuscript -- which is actually fiction, despite the fact that it resembles my life and the people in it.

This blog isn’t loosely based on my life over the last year -- it kinda IS my life. Here, I try to push aside feeling stupid, or random, or neurotic, or whatever, and just tell a story that I’d be amused to read. (YOU can be the judge of how successful I’ve been in that endeavor!)

So if I’m being honest, I should tell you that I feel like I’ve spent my entire adult life celebrating other people’s milestones. And I’ve been happy to do it! I just couldn’t ever help feeling a little left behind, as my +1 was generally a giant handbag instead of a boy -- over, and over, and OVER again.

When I was able to focus on me -- to whip up one or two milestones of my own -- I shared my indecision about jumping into the scary online dating pool. I took you with me as I waded through thousands of freaky FREAKY profiles. And I recounted the ridiculous dates that followed (FLOSSING… um… seriously?!? I still can’t get over that one). There were actually more where those came from, but they were SO boring, even I couldn’t find the funny.

As you know, throughout this whole online dating process, I have been… selective. I didn’t dismiss 4 out of every 5 guys who contacted me. Or even 9 out of every 10. Oh no. It was actually closer to 99 out of every 100. (I know!!) But with each guy I actually did respond to, it became abundantly clear why THEY were still single (nevermind me… I’m perfect). Inevitably, within the first week or so of emailing, I saw SO many red flags I swore I was running in Pamplona with the bulls.

Which made my decision NOT to meet most of these guys very, very easy.

For the handful that I did meet, it was always One & Done. I didn’t particularly want to see them again, or they didn’t want to see me, or it was mercifully mutual. And it’s not like I was out looking for a husband -- I wasn’t delusional enough to set the bar THAT high! I was just looking for a guy I’d want to spend more than an hour with, without fantasizing about gnawing my own arm off to get away.

I mean, let’s face it, ANYONE can get a date, or even a boyfriend for that matter. But I didn’t want just ANY guy -- that’s not my style. I wanted to meet the right one for me. My match. Besides, I didn’t make it ALL the way to 35 only to settle for some schmuck (which is exactly what I would have been doing with any of the clowns that crossed my path). The pickins were SO slim, I very nearly pulled the plug on all of it back in April.

This just isn’t for me, I thought.

In total, over a 6+ month span, I was matched with a staggering 6,000+ guys, and of that, 700+ contacted me in one form or another. (I know, I can’t even believe it.) And I KNOW what you’re thinking -- who DO I think I AM? Should I be that picky at my incredibly advanced age? Especially when faced with a near-certain future of becoming a tragic spinster with 14 cats??

The answer is yes. I should have been that picky.

Because amidst the freaks and losers, I truly found a gem. A one in a million kind of guy. The needle in the proverbial haystack. I know I told you I didn’t believe in The One. And maybe I still don’t. But I did meet my match, perfect for me in every way. Which makes me a very lucky girl, and makes the final chapter in my online dating saga a very happy one, as I officially -- and quite publicly -- take myself off the market.

I should probably send Match a muffin basket to say thanks, wouldn’t you agree?

(PS: He is the only other person on the planet that doesn’t eat eggs either -- now if THAT’S not a match, I don’t know what is)

7/23/2009

Et Tu, Jersey?

Ok. Let me start by saying, you know I love New Jersey.

I repeat: I LOVE NEW JERSEY.

Of course, this sentiment is not universally shared. My home state has a (largely undeserved) negative reputation across our nation, generally surrounding the notion of being smelly.

Fine. Funny, even.

Each day when I wake up, before my sock-covered feet even hit the floor, I check my work email. Sure, I also check it before I go to bed, but you just never know what happens overnight! And I hate to come into the office and be hit with any surprises. Today when I awoke, a breaking news bulletin from WNBC made it crystal clear that The Jerz would take one on the chin...

The email was entitled, “Dirty Jersey.” Hmmm, I thought. That can’t be good.

Actually, it was quite bad. Did we REALLY need to architect a government-sanctioned scheme that involved -- among other gems -- laundering money from the sale of black market KIDNEYS through a charity run by rabbis? (Incidentally, if you were in the market for this organ, a cool $160,000 was the asking price.)

I mean, come ON!

Hoboken Mayor? Arrested! Secaucus Mayor? You too! Jersey City Deputy Mayor? Cuffed and stuffed!

Unreal. Sure, there were also some arrests in Brooklyn as part of this undercover sting operation, which involved over 300 federal agents. But it’s a small detail lost in the almost giddy news coverage.

The NY Daily News sums it up, delivering the boom, boom, pow. First, they quoted an FBI official, "New Jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation." Then, just incase you missed the point, the US Attorney's office chimed in, "The arrests underscore 'more than ever the pervasive nature of public corruption in this state.'" Finally, they rubbed editorial salt in the wound for good measure, “The takedown is stunning in its breadth, even by New Jersey standards.”

EVEN by New Jersey standards. Awesome.

7/22/2009

A Tan with a Plan

Did you miss me? I missed you!

SO sorry I’ve been MIA -- it’s been a blur of a month.

A good chunk of July was spent visiting my parents in Del Boca Vista, FL -- aka The Villages -- home to 30,000 crazy retirees off-season, and 70,000(!?!?) in-season. It’s sorta like if Disneyland and Cocoon had a baby. Luckily during this visit I did not receive any unsolicited advice on my love life from well-intentioned, but very VERY wrinkly, strangers.

It was pure relaxation.

Anyway, the #1 mission during my week-long stint as a retiree was to get a tan. And tan I did! Even my feet are tan, which is nice because tan feet are infinitely better than pale feet (also, tan fat is better than pale fat, but I digress).

Now, of course, the challenge is to keep it going without looking like an Oompa Loompa (doopedy doo!).

I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just GO OUTSIDE? The answer is… I don’t know.

So, I thought about hitting up a fancy department store for some kind of expensive tanner (I hear Clarins Self Tanning Instant Gel is great). But I don’t actually want to be that much darker -- I just don’t want to get that much lighter. So I decided to give my wallet a break in these troubled economic times and hit up CVS instead. How prudent.

After much deliberation under fluorescent lights that made my new tan look slightly green, I decided to go with Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer. My thinking was it would serve a dual purpose -- 1) it offered a gradual tan, which should kick in just as my real one was starting to fade, and 2) it would provide a merciful end to the peeling/flaking/leprosy that is now happening all over my body as a direct result of said “real tan.”

As an unexpected bonus, it also claimed to be firming -- and frankly, who among us couldn’t use a little of that?

Of course, my decision was further complicated by the product being offered in a variety of shades. I was unclear which shade to choose (Do I go with my normal skin? Or my tan skin? And why don’t any of them actually LOOK like skin?). So, I wound up buying two -- Medium and Medium Tan -- to be on the safe side. Sneaky sneaky.

The verdict? PU!!

This moisturizer stinks like a sunless tanner. You know that musky rotten molasses smell that’s a dead giveaway? Yeah. So now I stink like fake tan, which isn’t even showing yet, when I actually have a REAL tan.

Awesome.

Has anyone EVER found a self tanner that didn’t stink? And, while we’re on the topic... did anyone catch the news about an Oompa Loompa getting arrested in a shopping mall in FL?