Farewell, Crawleys

The Downton Abbey finale airs tonight.

You watch, right?  Don't tell me if you don't.

It has only been the most popular PBS drama of all time. When the finale aired across the pond at Christmas, it broke all records there too. It also has more Emmy nominations than any other international TV series ever. Show merchandise has made more than a quarter BILLION dollars.  They even sell Downton Abbey tea in the grocery store in my building.

Golly!

Eventually, we'll find another show to obsess over. After all, I'm totally over MadMen. But I'm certain there will never again be anything like a sisterly smackdown from Lady Mary Crawley.

It was fun to be fancy on Sunday nights! I was on the edge of my seat for the dangerous liasons of poor, dead Mr. Pamuk, and I swooned over Cousin Matthew's snowy proposal to Lady Mary, and I cried when Lady Edith (the original Jan Brady) was left at the altar and was psyched to see her become an accidental feminist, and I stood in solidarity with the downstairs staff to #FreeJohnBates.

But there's nothing I've enjoyed more than a zinger from the Dowager Countess.

So, for the finale, I'd like to pay tribute to Dame Maggie Smith (and Julian Fellowes who wrote EVERY SINGLE EPISODE) and thank them for a witty and wonderful 6 seasons:

Violet Crawley on the invention of electricity:
“I couldn’t have electricity in the house. I couldn’t sleep a wink. All those vapors seeping about.” (Season 1)

On the telephone:
“Is this an instrument of communication or torture?” (Season 1)

On the Industrial Revolution:
"First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if I were living in an H.G. Wells novel." (Season 1)

On the joys of being a mother:
"One forgets about parenthood. The on-and-on-ness of it." (Season 3)

On love:
"I'm not a romantic, but even I concede that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose to pump blood." (Season 2)

On friendships:
"There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test." (Season 5)

On houseguests:
”No guest should be admitted without the date of their departure settled.” (Season 3)

On the general public:
"The presence of strangers is the only guarantee of good behavior." (Season 5)

On deep thoughts:
"All this endless thinking. It's very overrated... I blame the war. Before 1914 nobody thought about anything at all." (Season 5)

On the great outdoors:
"That is the thing about nature, there's so *much* of it." (Season 3)

On hearing jazz for the first time:
"Do you think that any of them know what the others are playing?" (Season 4)

On her granddaughter Lady Mary's new haircut:
"Oh, it is you! I thought it was a man in your clothes." (Season 5)

On her granddaughter Lady Edith's engagement to Sir Anthony Strallan:
”At my age, one must ration one’s excitement.” (Season 3)

On her granddaughter Lady Sybil's rebellious nature:
"Vulgarity is no substitute for wit." (Season 3)

On her son Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, wearing a tuxedo to dinner:
“Do you think I might have a drink? Oh, I’m so sorry – I thought you were a waiter.” (Season 3)

On her daughter-in-law Cora's American mother, Martha Levinson:
“I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”  (Season 3)

On her grandson-in-law Matthew Crawley looking for a break from his job:
"What is a weekend?" (Season 1)

On her grandson-in-law Tom Branson's transition to the upstairs world:
"I'm afraid Tom's small talk is very small indeed!" (Season 4)

On her cousin Isobel Crawley's moral highground:
“I wonder your halo doesn’t grow heavy. It must be like wearing a tiara around the clock.” (Season 4)

On discussing financing a hospital with Cousin Isobel:
"Oh good, let's talk about money." (Season 1)

On servants being human beings too:
"Preferably only on their days off." (Season 5)

On her fellow countrymen:
"What makes the English the way we are? Some say our history, but I blame the weather." (Season 6)

On Sir Anthony Strallan's look at the altar before jilting Lady Edith:
"He looks as though he's waiting for a beating from the headmaster." (Season 3)

On whether a fire in a neighboring castle was a tragedy:
"Well, rather yes and no, that house *was* hideous... of course that is no excuse." (Season 3)

On a heated exchange between Robert and rabble-rouser/dinner guest, Miss Sarah Bunting:
"Principles are like prayers; noble, of course, but awkward at a party." (Season 5)

On the untimely death of Turkish diplomat Kemal Pamuk in a bedroom of Downton Abbey:
“Last night, he looked so well. Of course it would happen to a foreigner. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.” (Season 1)


How fitting for the British to quit while they're ahead.  No growing long in the tooth for the upstairs and downstairs of Downton.  It would be bad form.

Farewell, my stuffy old friends!

PS: If you've very sad when the show ends, check this out.  It will cheer you up. Here's a peek:

tags: entertainment, pop culture

Grease Is the Word

I know I'm superlate with my first post of 2016.

A bunch of stuff happened since my last one --  I stuck my toes in the sand at Clearwater Beach, I binged on Making a Murderer like the rest of America, I went to Google's offices, and I got stuck in LA thanks to snowstorm Jonas. But tonight, I'm finally feeling inspired by the most amazing thing to happen all year.

I'm speaking, of course, of Grease Live.

Is there anything better on the planet than Grease?  If there is, I don't know it.  My love affair with the gang from Rydell High started at the ripe age of 5.  I had a red record player and Grease (double album set) was on repeat.

Sure, I didn't understand most of it.  When Kenickie talked about his 25 cent insurance policy, I fully thought he was talking about his car.  And the hickie he gave Rizzo, I heard it as "pinkie" -- as in pinkie swear.  I also thought Danny Zuko had "shoes" that were multiplying.

It wasn't until I was in college that I understood how suggestive the lyrics actually are.

And now the kids will be all confused again because they scrubbed Greased Lightnin' up for TV so the chicks will "scream." And they're building a "dream" wagon.

Yeah, that's it.

Oddly, they left, "Did she put up a fight?" in Summer Nights. Eh, whatevs, I always thought it was, "Did she tell me I'm right?" anyway.

Fitting...

So, I've seen this movie at least 100 times. Every time it's on, I get sucked in. Every. Single. Time. I even own Grease 2 without a trace of irony.  Cool Rider is the shit.

(FOX, you listening?  You're waaaay better at these live musicals than NBC. G2 next, mkay?)

As I type this, my mom and I are watching this extravaganza together on the phone -- she's in FL and I'm in NJ.  I've been waiting for MONTHS to see this -- I even Greased Myself.  I might be the most annoying person in the world to watch Grease with because I play along with every line, song, and move.

I was born to hand jive.

Incidentally, I may never recover that the sound went out while Joe Jonas was doing his best Sha-Na-Na doing their best Johnny Casino & the Gamblers.  But Jan Brady in here as Mrs. Murdock makes it all better.

And here's a tasty bit of trivia: You know that Danny Meyer burger chain we all go crazy for?  Shake Shack?  Named after the ride in Grease.

True story.

So, Beauty School Dropouts, I can't be the only superfan. Channel your inner Pink Lady or T-Bird below!



tags: entertainment, pop culture, polls

Which Christmas Cookie Are You?

I'm fully in the holiday spirit after recently spending the day at my college roommate's house.

We baked a TON of sugar cookies with her kids and it was a total blast. We also decorated full sheets of Rice Krispie Treats and whipped up a peanut butter, chocolate, and raspberry bar cookie, called a Jam Jam.

More like, yum yum!

I think we may make it an annual thing -- which I love, because the last time we went on a baking spree was exactly half a lifetime ago.

We were 21, in college and avoiding studying for exams. So of course, we decided to make roughly 20 dozen cookies from a Mrs. Fields cookbook my mom bought us. We put them in festive Saran Wrap and loaded everything into our sleigh (also known as my roomie's white Chevy Beretta), then hand-delivered them to our friends (who were almost entirely guys).

Because, priorities.

Since it's also Thursday, here's a little throwback for you from that marathon baking session. And if it looks like we lived in a dump, it's because we kinda did. Eh, at least it was on the beach...

Now, back to the good stuff: Treats. We all have a favorite Christmas cookie.  It's the first one you eat from the tray. Learn below what I think each one says about you.

Choose wisely...

1. Biscotti: You are a hipster, or an old Italian grandma.
2. Candy Cane Shaped Cookies: You own an apron, you love Christmas, and you don't care who knows it.
3. Chocolate Chip Cookies: You are loyal and a good friend. You also get all your recipes from the backs of packages.
4. Chocolate Truffles: You don't bake and you keep sweaters in your oven.
5. Crinkle Cookies: You are adventurous, and like Cyndi Lauper, you just want to have fun.
6. Gingerbread: You are organized, creative and do not know how to "let it go."
7. Linzer or Lace Cookies: You fancy.  If you're not already British, you wish you were.
8. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies: You are a do-gooder, but you are not invited to my party, Falalala Flackseed.
9. Rum Balls: Your favorite flavor is tipsy and you have tinsel stuck to your shoe.
10. Snickerdoodles: You love crossword puzzles and have hosted an ugly sweater party.
11. Spritz Cookies: You could have made a sugar cookie, but you try harder. You might also eat your feelings.
12. Sugar Cookies: You are traditional but everyone is glad you came.  The same cannot be said for fruitcake.

So, does the oven mitt fit? Am I half-baked? Tell me which cookie you got below.

And merry everything to YOU!


tags: holidays, food

Dear Stores That Close on Thanksgiving,

We all have 80 bazillion Black Friday emails clogging up our inboxes. It's now an official holiday, so named for the day companies go "in the black" and start turning a profit for the year.

To make the most of it, stores once opened at 6am. Then, midnight. A few years ago Walmart upped the ante and said, "Pie is for jerks! WE open the night before!"

And now, that's become the norm.

Let's call it Gray Thursday.

So, today, instead of sitting down to turkey with the fam, lunatics will camp out in parking lots so they can stampede through store doors in desperate search of deals. And stores will staff up to handle the mobs they create.

Old Navy is even giving A MILLION DOLLARS to someone standing on line today when they open at 4pm.

On Thanksgiving.

This is abysmal.

There is one retail trend I actually like. This year, I see lots of stores advertising that they AREN'T open today.  That's as refreshing as the Alka Seltzer you'll surely need after you eat your weight in Stove Top.

I've gotten emails from DSW (see above), Crate & Barrel and Sur la Table all saying, "See you Friday. On Thursday, we feast!"  I've seen commercials for HomeGoods/TJ Maxx/Marshalls with a great message: Bring Back the Holidays.

If I was remotely outdoorsy, I also would have heard from REI.  They have decided they're closed on FRIDAY TOO so people can #optoutside and trade florescent lights and cash registers for sunshine and streams. Or something like that.

And why not?!

After all, there's a little thing called the Internet, which makes it possible to sit at your dining room table and shop in your underwear while gnawing on a turkey leg if that's what your greasy little heart desires.

Seriously, though, who needs to stand in line to elbow grannies out of the way for a "doorbuster" deal on a $5 crockpot, or clothesline a dude to save 80% on a super humongous big screen HDTV from a brand you've never heard?

I love a good sale as much as the next gal, but why would a retailer want me in their store, anyway?

In store I only buy what I can carry. Online, it's what the UPS and FedEx guys can carry. And that's limitless. Well, okaaay, maybe there are SOME limits...

But that's between me and my boyfriend, Amex.

Cyber Monday doesn't even make sense to me anymore.  It all started on a weekday because they thought people's internet connections were faster at work than at home. That's not true anymore. Plus, these deals run all month long. There will ALWAYS be another sale. And they'll keep on running thru Christmas. Until New Years.

We all get whipped up in these artificial demand frenzies. Because let's face it: Retailers are just scared of Amazon.

And they should be.

You might say these stores that can afford to close on Thanksgiving do so because they were never in the game to begin with.  On Black Friday, electronics, clothes, and toys take the cake (and the pumpkin pie).  Last time I checked, these guys sell shoes, and housewares, and canoes. Or whatever REI sells.

But I don't care.

I plan to go online this holiday weekend and throw an extra (wish)bone to the stores that are closed today.  Because they have their wallets AND their hearts in the right place.

Happy Turkey Day to you and yours.  May you eat your taters at a table and not on a line outside Target.

Gobble, gobble!


tags: commercials, holidays, rants

The Loveseat Potato Fries Up Fall TV, 2015 Style

We all know that DVRs, on-demand, and online streaming shows have forever changed the way we watch television -- to the point that we don't even watch it on a television anymore.

The Jetsons would be super jealous.

Obviously, I have a cable package fit for a queen with every movie channel under the sun. And I already had Netflix and Amazon Prime, but I recently caved in and got Hulu too, thanks to a little Mindy Kaling show I love.

But some things never change. Hold on to your taters, friends -- fall 2015 TV shows are here!

I started these reviews in 2009 and followed up in 2010 with a fascinating (ahem) account of my DVR schedule juggling act. Mrs. Potato Head made a guest appearance in 2011.  The Loveseat Potato was born (picked? harvested?) in 2012.  In 2013, she found a spuddy buddy to watch alongside and in 2014 she was surrounded by a scary herd of cats.

Sounds about right.

You'll recall that I... err, the Loveseat Potato... likes to bag a few episodes of each new show before passing judgment.  This year, she watched 44 different shows for you and invited some fry guys along for the fun.

They are in a hot tub, like on The Bachelorette.

So, without further delay, pass the ketchup and chew on this...


BEST NEW DRAMA:

SPUD: Wicked City (ABC)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
1980s. LA. Serial killers. Chuck Bass. This show makes me want to snort some baby aspirin and go kill a drifter! Jeremy Sisto's also in it. And while he looks like he brushed his hair with a fork, I think he's handling 40 just fine.

Honorable mention goes to: Public Morals (TNT -- Ed Burns, you can do no wrong), Limitless (CBS -- interesting because I didn't like the movie at all), Flesh & Bone (Starz), Narcos (Netflix), Sneaky Pete (Amazon)

DUDS: Blindspot (NBC), Quantico (ABC), Code Black (CBS), Rosewood (FOX), The Player (NBC)



BEST NEW COMEDY:

SPUD: The Grinder (FOX)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
Rob Lowe is beautiful and funny. Here, he's not a lawyer, but he played one on TV. Fred Savage really steals the show as an actual lawyer. The writing is snappy and it's fun to see that Kevin Arnold's all growns up. The only strange thing is the name, given that Grindr is a gay men's dating site (not like Tinder, which is just meant for straight men and whores).

Honorable mention goes to: Crazy Ex Girlfriend (CW), The Muppets (ABC), Life in Pieces (CBS), Blunt Talk (Starz), Ballers (HBO), Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (Netflix), Casual (Hulu), Difficult People (Hulu), Catastrophe (Amazon), Grandfathered (FOX -- this isn't that good, but I love me some Stamos -- sue me)

DUDS: Dr. Ken (ABC), Truth Be Told (NBC -- Zack Morris, quit it), Grace & Frankie (Netflix)


BEST NEW SUPERNATURAL:

SPUD: Scream Queens (FOX)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
Ryan Murphy. If Glee and American Horror Story had a baby, it would be this show. Jamie Lee Curtis is the original scream queen and Emma Roberts was born to play Chanel No. 1. It's totally hilarious, the music is amazing, and Oliver Hudson is much better on this show than he is on Nashville.

Honorable mention goes to: American Horror Story: Hotel (FX), Supergirl (CBS)

DUDS: The Bastard Executioner (FX), Minority Report (FOX)




BEST NEW REALITY:

SPUD: Project Greenlight (HBO)

WHY IT'S A SMASH: Ok okaaaay.  I know it's not new, but it hasn't been on for like a decade so it counts. This director is the most delusional yet, and I might actually watch The Leisure Class (unlike the other movies made -- The Battle of Shaker Heights, Stolen Summer, and another stinker I can't remember).

Honorable mention goes to: The Comment Section (E!), Apres Ski (Bravo), Chef's Table (Netflix)

DUDS: Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris (NBC -- love you NPH but I just don't know what to do with all this craziness), The Jacksons: The Next Generation (Lifetime), Sex in Public (TLC), Real Housewives of NJ: Teresa Checks In (Bravo -- shame on you!)


BEST CURRENT SHOW THAT'S NEW AGAIN:

SPUD: Undateable (NBC)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
This was a mediocre one-note sitcom about relationships. Then, last season they did a live episode and it was AMAZING. Now the whole show is live. Every week. Which makes it 1000x more watchable. I love when they break character, and the celeb cameos (TV's Scott Foley, I'm talking to YOU), and the new credits each week, and the band, and the references to stuff actually happening in the world. Take it to church!






BEST SHOW THAT'S NOT ON TV:

SPUD: Red Oaks (Amazon)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
It takes place in the 1980s in Jersey and I swear when I was 14 I took tennis lessons at the same country club it's based on. So I loved it instantly. I'm even finally getting used to Jennifer Grey's new face. Easy to binge on the whole season in a day.









Lastly, it's time to roast a show I wanted to love (really, I did!), but I didn't:

MOST DISAPPOINTING SHOW OF THE FALL SEASON:

DUD: Blood & Oil (ABC)

WHY IT'S A ROTTEN POTATO:
Oh man, I really was looking forward to this one. It seemed like a Dallas and Revenge mashup, with a splash of Miami Vice and a Gossip Girl cherry on top. Oil tycoons doing what they do best -- double-crossing each other. So, what could be bad? Well, the acting for one. The writing for another. And don't even get me started on the plot. So... no bueno. I'll hang in for a bit longer. Maybe they'll hit a gusher. But more than likely, it will just get drilled.






Disagree?  See anything I missed?  Put the DVR on pause and comment below...


tags: entertainment

Lucky 7

I kind of can't believe it, but this here blog just turned 7. I can think of very few things I've done for 7 years straight.  I guess I must like it!

But the last 12 months were a mixed bag. I was pretty sick with something I'll now live with forever. Boo hoo. I moved back home to the Jerz, where I really belong. Woo hoo! I'm officially old enough to have a 20th college reunion. Boo hoo. It was actually a blast (without drinking). Woo hoo! I did a ton of traveling, and somehow never took a vacation. Boo hoo. I was able to bring my whole family home to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. Woo hoo!

You get the idea...

I hope year 7 will be lucky.  I could use some of that.  And I hope I find more time to share it with you.  In the meantime, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014, here's a look back at the past year:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
276

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
1.2 (down from 1.9 last year -- UGH... Must. Get. Better)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
355 (up from 282 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
2,213 (up from 1,490 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Direct Bookmarks (last year it was Pinterest)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
Facelift (July 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)
The Great Pop Tart Pop Off (October 2010)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Dear Ikea
50 Shades of Peeps
The End of an Era
Mind the Gap

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Super Bowl Ad Showdown
The Best Pasta Salad I've Ever Eaten

Most Comments:
A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast

Most Popular Poll:
Up in the Air (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead: Soon I'll update you on my experience with the new shopping site Jet.com and explain why I have a fun-house face.  Plus, the most wonderful time of the year -- Fall TV -- is finally here, so the Loveseat Potato & friends can't be far behind.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: writing

My Summer of Grilling

Did you know we eat 50 BILLION burgers a year?  That translates to about 3 PER WEEK per American.

That's a lot o' meat.

Now, I think by now you know I love to cook. And yet somehow, I went nearly 42 years without ever grilling. Probably because I think of barbecuing as Man's Work, like fishing and taking out the trash. And other stuff I don't feel like doing.

But I decided that's silly. Back in May, I bought a Weber at Home Depot and a ton of tools. (I love any excuse to accessorize.)

And you know what? Cooking outdoors is fun!

I think I know the reason that it's so popular: Because nobody invites friends over to microwave.

So throughout the summer, I fired up the grill.  Well, okaaay, I plugged it in and turned it up really, really high.  They say you can't have an open flame on the terrace...

Damn you, safety!

Anyway, you'll see I made burgers, and chicken, and steak, and seafood, and even s'mores.  What you won't see here is ribs.

Why?

Watching someone eat ribs is like watching the nature channel. It's gross. I feel the same about wings.

Personally, I love animals -- they're delicious. But if you don't like meat, this post probably isn't for you...

I started the summer making bacon cheeseburger sliders with ketchup and grilled onions. Yum.
"Man, I wish this was made of tofu," said no one ever. One nugget of advice -- just say NO to pre-made patties.
Make your own (and don't forget the salt & pepper). It makes all the difference.

Next up was Mexican turkey burgers. These were really tasty, if I do say so myself.
I mixed chorizo & green chiles with ground turkey, then I melted some pepper jack cheese
and slathered a brioche bun with guacamole on the top and chipotle mayo on the bottom.
I made it up as I went along, but it was a fiesta in my mouth!

I was feeling oddly Polynesian on this day, so  I made a teriyaki, brown sugar, mustard marinade
for salmon and grilled up some pineapples. That yellow lumpy stuff is rice. And that mason jar
is filled with pineapple lemonade wishing it was a cocktail.

This looks a little like chicken, but it's not. I wanted caprese salad, but needed something heartier
because I was, per usual, STARVING. So I made a spinach salad with heirloom cherry tomatoes and
marinated mozzarella balls and tossed it all in balsamic. Then I topped it with flank steak
marinated in Italian salad dressing and sundried tomato paste. I even remembered to let it
rest after I pulled it off the grill and I cut it against the grain so it wasn't chewy.
Two decades of watching Food Network finally paid off!

Here's a BBQ classic! This actually IS chicken, boneless and smothered in BBQ sauce. I used Sweet Baby Ray's
Hickory & Brown Sugar. To get it to steam, I soaked the corn in water for about an hour before I
wrapped it in foil with some butter and ranch seasoning. Then I grilled it with the chicken.
Once I shut the grill off, I loaded it up with s'mores to get some melty marshmallowy goodness going.
Full disclosure: I bought the cherry limeade and the cornbread. And I ate the s'more first.

My last grilling adventure was shrimp over pesto pasta salad. Here I used grape tomatoes, lots of
parmesan and Orzo macaroni because that's my mom's maiden name so I always have a box 
laying around. I probably could have grilled the tomatoes too, but I was feeling a little lazy.

Since today is Labor Day, summer has unofficially come to an end. But I feel like I'm on a grilling roll! I don't want to pack up the Weber just yet.  So share YOUR favorite BBQ tips or recipes below and I'll try them out.

Unless they involve ribs.  I leave that to the cavemen.

Or hot dogs. Because they're gross.

Yep, I said it.  Discuss...


tags: food, recipes

I'm Not Lovin' It

I took the day off on Friday to do one of my favorite things.

I rented a car.

Man, I miss driving! I'm thisclose to buying a new car now that I live outside the city. Not that I really need one... everything here is in walking distance. But I just WANT one.

A car is freedom.

If I know me (and I think I do), I'll hold out until maybe February then pull the trigger. They always have Presidents Day sales. And I believe George Washington would want me to have another BMW.

Anyway, back to my mini roadtrip...

About an hour before my Zipcar was due back, I got hungry. But I didn't have time to stop and eat. So, I did what about a billion other people do every day.

I went to McDonalds.

Why? Large fries always hit the spot. Especially when accompanied by a large orange Hi-C because that is a delicious drink that takes me back to my childhood. Occasionally, I'll mix it up and order a vanilla shake for salty-sweet nirvana. But I ignored about a 168 (yes, I counted!) things on the drive thru menu.

I go to Mickey D's for the fries, just the fries, and nothing but the fries.

I'm sure we've all been reading that the Golden Arches is in trouble. The only fast food restaurant with a bigger mess on their hands is Subway, and don't get me started on THAT.

How can this be?

Here, thankfully (?), declining sales are to blame. I've seen lots of finger pointing (questionable ingredients! health nuts! hot new competition!), and tons of random new ideas (customized menus! pay with love!).

But no real solutions.

Well, listen up, Ronald! The solution is simple: Embrace who you are.

This means 3 things:

1) Understand your customer.
Nobody walks through your doors because they're making good decisions. That ship has sailed. There are a thousand healthier places to get a salad or a wrap. The people who want that for lunch or dinner don't want YOU, and no amount of fat-free dressing will fix that. Your people want fast, filling, cheap eats. So give the people what they want!

2) Stop trying to be fancy.
Ignore Chipotle or Five Guys or whatever other "fast casual" restaurant that some consultant (who doesn't eat your food) recommended that you emulate. This means ditch the Angus burgers and the artisan grilled chicken and the Sriracha mayo and the frappes. Double down on the Dollar Menu.

3) French fries make your world go round.
I don't know how you make your fries. I suspect crack is involved. Because when they're good, they're amazing. Focus on being consistent with them (never stale, always fresh and hot and perfectly salted). Go back to your roots and make them the centerpiece of everything. Every ad. Every menu. Every order. It's not, "Would you like fries with that?"  It's, "What would you like with your fries?" And while you're at it, turn Friday into a social media holiday called Fryday. You're McDonalds -- if you want to own a day of the week, I bet you can.

So, quit clowning around and get down to McBusiness.

Those taters aren't going to fry themselves.


PS: I just heard you're about to launch breakfast all day... now you're talking!


tags: city life, food, rants

You Say It's Your Birthday

It's my birthday too.  I'm 42 today, to be exact.

Blech. Oy. Barf.

Now, if we are to believe The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything.

Hope that's true.  But I read that book in the 7th grade in Miss Tamson's English class.  I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now.

I'm not one for sci-fi.  John Hughes is much more my speed.  So as my birthday gift to me, I will make time every week in the month of August to indulge in two things I love: Blogging and his 80's movies.

Seriously, I can't think of anything better.  Alriiight, one or two things MIGHT be better.

Like a jar of Nutella.

So, I'll grab a spoon while you tell me your fave Brat Pack classic.  Then, I'll watch your top picks all month.

Ready?  Go:

15 Totally Tasty July 4th Treats

I feel lucky to be an American, kinda like I won a lottery.

I really don't wish I lived any other place in the world. Of course, July is the time we celebrate the beauty of the US of A. But you know what's better than waving a flag?

Eating one.

So, I poked around and found these pin-tastic, pin-triotic desserts that are sure to add a spark to your Independence Day. And also make you the talk of the party. In a good way!

Now, we're friends, right?  So I should tell you that I haven't actually MADE any of these treats. And because I have no patience for baking, I probably never will.

But YOU can!  Here's how: Either roll up your sleeves and work hard for it, or hire somebody else to do it.

What's more American than that?

Cue the fireworks:

Meet the Cherbluble. It is a cherry pie stuffed inside a red velvet cake, on top of a blueberry pie stuffed inside a blue velvet cake, on top of an apple pie stuffed inside a vanilla cake, which has been covered in frosting and sprinkled with Pop Rocks. I have one word for this: 'MERICA!
(from SheKnows)

Did you just lick the screen?  Me too. Tastes like raspberry blueberry yogurt pops.
(from The View From Great Island)

Since my middle name is Cheese (and also Michelle), it stands to reason that cheesecake is my all-time favorite dessert. This lovely star-topped version is Italian-style (made with ricotta) vs New York-style (made with cream cheese). I prefer NY, but I wouldn't say no to a slice of this.
(from My Baking Addiction)

This surprise flag cake looks hard to make.  I imagine lots of  food coloring, then lots of cake pans baking in the oven, plus lots of cooling, and lots of slicing to make the flag pattern, and lots of delicate frosting that you would need to be careful not to ruin with cake crumbs. And then I would be afraid to cut it and see all my hard work get jacked up. Who knew a cake so pretty could have so much baggage?
(from Land O'Lakes)

These gorgeous red, white, and blue pinwheel icebox cookies were made by a former colleague from Epicurious. I used to love going to our edit meetings every week because they were awesome people and they had snacks. So seeing her cookies makes me smile.
(from Just a Taste)

Strawberry & Berry Blue Jell-O surround fluffy Cool Whip on a graham cracker crust. Say no more. Slice me up a piece of that patriotic pie!
(from Kraft)

Ok. This blueberry strawberry shortcake with fresh whipped cream is practically a health food. Look at all that FRUIT!
(from Family Circle)

I was introduced to the whoopie pie in college. My roommate's mom made 2 dozen for us and I seriously don't think they lasted the night. Her mom is an amazing baker and so is she -- I still kick myself that we never started a whoopie pie business! Who knew they would become a craze? By now, we would be rich (and fat). I'll have to console myself with a batch of these red & blue velvet whoops, but I'd swap the cream cheese frosting for their classic, fluffy marshmallow one. Yum.
(from Ambrosia)

I forget about Nilla Wafers until I see a recipe like this. Then I remember, I LOVE Nilla Wafers and I want to eat a whole box. Or, I could just add a few blobs of cheesecake filling and fruit and call it a parfait! Sounds far more elegant than strapping a box of cookies to my face and inhaling.
(from Snackworks)

Most foods are better on a stick. Exhibit A: The patriotic Rice Krispies Treat. On a stick. No mess -- genius! Now, if somebody could only make the mini marshmallows, butter, and cereal easier to mix I might actually make these!
(from Baking Beauty)

They say this firecracker Bundt cake is easy to make. Easy for Betty or easy for Jenny? I'm thinking Betty...
(from Betty Crocker)

Feeling fancy? These striped panna cotta and fresh red raspberry jelly trifles topped with blueberries are almost too beautiful to eat.
(from Pink Patisserie)

Everybody likes a chocolate-dipped strawberry, right? And look at these, all dressed up for the holiday in red, white, and blue. A total crowd-pleaser.
(from Make'n Mold)

Those mini tart shells you see in the freezer section never looked so good until somebody stuffed them with marscarpone and berries and arranged them into a flag. Get. In. My. Belly!
(from Food Network)

Like any good July 4th celebration, I thought it was fitting to end with a fireworks display. The Gruccis got nothing on Dani
(a friend from high school) and her icing tool. I can tell you firsthand, her sugar cookies are as pretty as they are tasty!
(from Sweet Dani B)

Hungry? Me too. I'm off to have an icepop.

Hope you have a happy (and sweet) 4th of July, everybody!


tags: food, holidays