Put Me in Coach

As I type this I'm sitting on a plane watching the Olympics.

Tennis.  Men's singles.  Nadal vs Del Potro. Nadal is winning. Maybe.  More on that later...

I think the Rio Olympics are coming at an interesting time.  Right now, we really need something to unite us as Americans -- to forget our differences, cheer for Team USA athletes (and their moms), and avoid mosquitos carrying the Zika virus.

Now, I don't consider myself a particularly sporty person. (What?!?  It's true. I don't like to sweat.)  But a little known fact about me: I've actually played FIVE legit sports in my life.

And no, I do not count competitive TV watching among them.

It all started with GYMNASTICS in the 3rd grade. That was very shortlived.  I loved the bodysuits and pigtails.  Who wouldn't? But gravity is a tough opponent. No matter what they tried, nobody could teach me to do a cartwheel, much less a back handspring.

I was more or a summersault kind of gal.  I don't think they give medals for that.

Then came SOFTBALL.  I was in the 4th grade and we just moved to good old Pine Brook.  My mom signed me up at the community center and my dad volunteered to be the coach.  I have no idea how he did it, being that he worked in NYC and all our games started at 4pm.  But that 100% explains how I played 2nd base for 4 years.

Yep.  Jackie Robinson.  Willie Randolph. And me.

This pic here shows our amazing uniform. We were nicknamed the Golddiggers, but not in a Kanye way.  More like we missed every ball that came our way.  My dad assumed it was because we were busy digging for gold in the outfield.

Once I realized I was wasn't turning pro, I switched gears to TENNIS.  My childhood best friend and I took lessons the summer after Freshman and Sophomore years  at a local country club where her family belonged. I'm pretty sure it was the basis for Red Oaks.  I remember everything about it -- my Tretorns, my brown Wilson racquet with the rainbow grip, my vast collection of Polo shirts.  What I do NOT remember is how to keep score.  Which is why I'm lost watching the Olympics right now.

Truth is, I was distracted by 2 boys -- brothers -- who we had crushes on.  I couldn't serve to save my life, but I had a decent backhand.  At least that's what our (paid) instructor told me.

Next up was FIELD HOCKEY.  I played an entire summer clinic before Junior year started. In the boiling heat.  I remember the skill drills, and the Indian sprints (though I'm guessing they're called something different now).  This was actually a sport I was good at!  Hockey spoke to my competitive nature.  Plus the uniforms were adorbs.  Two words: Plaid skirts.

I played a position called sweeper.  I even made the team! But it wasn't meant to be.  My hand got smashed between some sticks one day in early September during a scrimmage while we were fighting for the ball and I got nervous I would never have a career as an artist.  Ha.

So I quit.  But luckily, I still retained the benefit of never having to participate in gym class again for the remainder of my time as a Montville Mustang.

I laid low on the athletic scene until Sophomore year in college when I decided to try CHEERLEADING.  Think that's not a sport?  Watch Bring it On and get back to me. (Of course, I can't do any of those tricks, but I'm peppy. And strong!)

My roommate and I made a deal, I wanted to go out for the radio station and she wanted cheering, so we did both.  She was a Mighty Hornet cheerleader from a neighboring high school, and I was a cheerleader for the Montville Broncos in the 5th grade (see evidence above).  I would draw from that formative experience.

So, we tried out and made the team!  Cheerleaders for women's basketball... talk about depressing.  But very early in the season we got a lucky break.

The hot, pyramid-making, toss-them-in-the-air tiny cheerleaders for the men's basketball team did something to piss the athletic dept off and they kicked them all off the squad.  This left a glorioius opening for us to cheer for -- and travel with -- the men's basketball team.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

We partied with our mascot, The Stag (now lamely called Lucas).  We even cheered on the floor of Madison Square Garden!  That was fun.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't very good at this either, which is why I did it for only 1 year and did the radio station for 3.  But I did like the white uniforms.

I sense a trend here...

So, what have we learned?  Rallying together behind America -- good.  Zika virus -- bad.  Sports and me -- not a winning combination.

But at least I looked cute doing them.

So, were YOU an all-star athlete?  A benchwarmer?  A facepainter?  Share your stats below...


tags: jersey, sports

My Bday in LA

Did I ever mention that I don't work on my birthday?

21 years ago today, I stood next to a copy machine at my first real job in Parsippany, NJ. I made $18K/year as an editorial assistant and I spent about 9 months there before starting my career in NYC, where I still work today.  

I just started. Nobody really even knew my name yet, let alone that it was my birthday. On that day in 1995, between collating and stapling and the overwhelming stink of toner, I vowed never, ever to work on my birthday again.

I was like the Scarlet O'Hara of the Xerox room.

After all, being a summer baby, I was used to not going to school on my bday.  I was used to not doing ANYTHING on my bday.  It was a day of relaxing!  

Now that I was a working girl (in the non-hooker way), it should be no different. I declared it a national holiday.

And I never, ever, EVER worked on my birthday again.

Until today.

Today, I find myself in Los Angeles about to kick off a huge event that we've been planning for the past 8 months.  If you squint and look really, really hard, you can see the Hollywood sign in the mountains.  That's the view from my hotel in downtown LA.

Since we're in Tinsel Town, of course there will be a few celebs at our event.  The most notable rhymes with Tim Tardashian. Should be fun!  You can follow along here on Friday & Saturday.

And tonight, my sweet and amazing team is taking me to dinner for Mexican.  So if my 22 year old self knew that my 43 year old self could have a work birthday like this, she might have looked more kindly on birthday workdays.

Still, next year, I think I'll go back to taking the day off.  I can try this all again in another 21 years when I'm 64.  

Oy.  That's depressing.  

Pass me some cake!

Do YOU work on your birthday?  Give me some tips in the comments below...

tags: holidays. travel, work

Freedom

Ahem... is this thing still on?

Hard to say.

I'm sorry.  I know it's been ages.

You probably can't tell but I think about writing a lot.  Really, I do!  I compose posts in my head all the time.  They just don't actually make it to any place where people can read them.

I will do better.

So, let's catch up.  In the last 2 months:

• My hair accidentally got dyed red.  It looked horrible.  Suffice it to say, I won't be going to Becky anymore.  It is now back to brown and all is right with the universe.
• I produced a huge event, which required me to work for a month straight, including weekends. 
• I also threw a 50th anniversary party for my parents in FL -- more on that in my next post.
• I binged on a bunch of new(ish) shows -- Bloodline (Netflix), Roadies (Showtime), American Gothic (CBS), Animal Kingdom (TNT), UnReal (Lifetime) and Casual (Amazon) are worth a spin. The Night Of (HBO) also looks promising.  And for a good old dose of nostalgia, I've been watching Gilmore Girls (Up) reruns on the phone with my mom while we wait for the new one.
• Speaking of nostalgia, I bought a pack of Fruit Stripe gum,  I used to love that as a kid.  It's terrible as an adult.  Itch scratched.
• I've developed a mild addiction to Bai antioxidant drinks.  I'm partial to Costa Rica Clementine, Kula Watermelon, and Andes Coconut Lime.
• I'm FINALLY off the steroids.  So, maybe I can get back to looking like myself.
• I started driving for Uber.

I'm kidding on that last one. I hate strangers!

But I COULD drive for Uber now if I wanted to, because... I got myself a new car! I figure after 8 loooong years of being car-free, I did my part to help the environment.

Birds, you're welcome.

Now, its a luxury SUV for me. It's fast and shiny and black and perfect.

A car is freedom.

Some people hate driving.  Not me.  I made myself a car playlist that's like a soundtrack to my life.  I got a trunk organizer.  I renewed my EZ Pass and I sit in Lincoln Tunnel traffic every day on the way to and from work.  But I don't even care!  I love every single second.

I leased the same kind of car I used to have but it's gotten quite an upgrade.  It's like a spaceship.  It's keyless and voice-activated.  It has sensors all around that beep when I'm too close to something (or something is too close to me).  I think it parks itself.  It doesn't drive itself but I bet it would call for a pizza if I asked it to.

One thing that thankfully hasn't changed is that Jersey Girls still don't pump gas.  The Garden State says "no thanks" to self-serve stations.  I never even knew that was a thing until I went to college in CT.  Let me go on the record to say it's absolutely barbaric to pump your own gas.  

I'm glad some things stay the same.

Another thing that's still alive and kicking is sexism at the car dealership!  I went in by myself to spend my own money on my own car.  Every other jackass in this very fancy place was just window shopping.  And there I was, checkbook in hand.  But you know the first question they asked after my name?  

Is that Mrs or Miss?  

Pump the brakes, Allen.  This isn't 1956.  And who knows, maybe I am married in a parallel universe where you are also tall, good looking, and smart.

Anyway, back to the good news: I have a car and I can go to Target anytime I want.

So, where else should I visit?  Tell me in the comments below!

tags: jersey, shopping, travel

Tales from Uber

If you haven't heard of Uber by now, you might be living under a rock.

Or maybe you just emerged from a coma?  If so, welcome back! Trump's running for President. Bacon is still delicious.

And Uber is a ride sharing service that was founded in 2009 and has roughly a $60B valuation (more than Ford or GM).  On Christmas Eve 2015, they gave their BILLIONTH ride.  Impressive!

But here's the surest sign it's here to stay: It's become a verb.

I've been "ubering" for about 3 years now. In fact, I snapped this pic the other night on my way home with Victor in his Toyota Camry. (It looks like there's nobody behind the wheel, but he's actually up there -- he was just... tiny.)

With the Uber app, professional drivers, ex-yellow cabbies and regular Joes and Janes come pick you up at the tap of a screen. Chauffeurs aren't just for millionaires anymore! Uber brings that luxury to the masses.

And while there are plenty of Camrys in their fleet, occasionally you get lucky with an Escalade, Suburban, Land Rover, Mercedes, or BMW.  That's nice.

Because nobody feels like a baller getting out of a minivan taxi that stinks like somebody's dinner.

Uber is for the people, by the people. There's no question they've permanently changed the taxi industry. But in order to truly enjoy the experience, you must immediately dismiss the idea that the total stranger who just picked you up is a murderer, kidnapper, drug dealer, pimp, or gun smuggler.  After all, you have their name, photo, license plate, and rating -- that's more than you get with a cab.

And Kalamazoo aside, I don't believe serial killers use apps that track their every move.

In fact, you meet some very cool people behind the wheel. Some drive full time, others just for extra cash.  I met a guy who was the only member of his family to survive the Haiti earthquake and was trying to get himself through medical school.  And the CFO of Steve's Ice Cream who was driving because they weren't pulling paychecks while building their business.  One guy picked me up in a special van -- he was in a wheelchair because he didn't have arms or legs -- and he drove great.  There was a guy in San Francisco who just did this on the way home from work so somebody would pay him to commute.  I even met a guy who kept free hot coffee in the car during the day and cold pizzas on weekend nights so he would get high marks.

I could go on.  Suffice it to say, it's an interesting mix.  But for the past year, I've done something really crazy.

No, no, I'm not driving for Uber (I don't like strangers and I don't have a car...yet). It's that I've taken HUNDREDS of Ubers from Feb 2015 until now.

533, to be exact.

Yes, you read that right.  Five HUNDRED thirty three.

I can feel you judging me.

I know this sounds bananas.

That's more than one a day!

Fact is, I've been commuting from Hoboken to NYC every day, to and from work, with everyone's private driver, Uber.  It started innocently enough... it was winter and I was cold.  I couldn't bear to walk 4 blocks along the river to the PATH trains, and another 4 loooong blocks in the city when I got out.

So I ubered. My office is at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. It took 15 mins vs. the normal 45. I'd be crazy NOT to.

I went back to my normal commute the next day, and they cancelled midtown PATH service to 33rd Street.  Only service to downtown -- World Trade Center -- was working.  This happened probably every 4-6 weeks. And every single time it gave me a panic attack.  All these years later, I still can't be in that building.

So that happened.  And it's exhausting doing flights of stairs and walking long distances now that I have this amazing chronic illness.

Well, that one cold day in February turned to two, then a week, then a month, then... you get it.

I also uber when I'm traveling -- I've used it in 8 cities over the past year.  But only about 15% of the 533 rides was work-related.  The rest of the cars are mine.

You'd think after spending FIVE figures with Uber in a year, they'd send me a muffin basket or something, but NOOOOOOO.

(And I know that sounds outrageously extravagant, but I have very few vices left in life.)

I'm an Uber VIP (obvi), and while there are basically zero tangible benefits to that distinction, I have learned a thing or two about this company.

Take these facts for a spin:

• DRIVERS ARE ALWAYS NEARBY: Uber's driver app includes a heatmap to show them where active accounts are -- the greater the concentration of signals, the better the chance somebody will need a ride. That's why they're rarely more than 10 mins away.
• ALL DRIVERS ARE NOT EQUAL: Uber classifies its drivers in four ways: Pros (Uber Black luxury drivers), Crossovers (professional drivers on Uber for less than 6 months), New Enthusiasts (amateurs who drive with UberX consistently), and Part-Timers (drivers who have another job and just drive UberX occasionally for extra cash). 
• 1 IN 10 DRIVERS ARE LADIES: 14% of Uber drivers are women. The company says they plan to have 1 million female drivers by 2020.
• THE CAR SHOULD BE NEW-ISH: Uber cars must be less than 10 years old and be four-door models. Once a person applies as a driver, a Pro-level driver in the area is asked to inspect the car and go for a test drive with the applicant. All drivers must also be over 21 and have been driving for at least 3 years.
• RATINGS MATTER, SORT OF: Ratings are another form of currency on the Uber platform. But most drivers don't have time to look at a passenger's rating before they accept a ride -- they only have a few seconds to decide before the fare gets passed to another driver. But if a DRIVER'S ratings drop below 4.6 (on a scale of 5), that's no bueno. They could get kicked out of the club -- though after this week, they'll need to receive a warning. If you're curious about your own rating, you can ask a driver or email support@uber.com and they'll tell you.
• THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING: You put in your destination, but the driver doesn't know it until they pick you up. Then GPS takes over (most prefer Waze).
• EVERYONE HATES SURGE PRICING: Except for Uber. Pricing goes up based on an algorithm that estimates demand.  It could be because it's rush hour, or bad weather, or a holiday, or just that it's Friday night but when demand goes up, prices follow. I've seen it skyrocket to as much as 3x the normal price. Uber says it isn’t about gauging riders, its an incentive to get more drivers on the street to cater to the increased demand.  Uh huh.
• YOUR TIP MAY (OR MAY NOT) BE INCLUDED: Because the app is linked to your credit card, a passenger gets in and out without any money changing hands. Drivers keep 80 percent of that fare and Uber takes 20 percent. Accepting tips is against Uber policy because they say they've adjusted the time and distance calculations to include a gratuity.  Drivers say otherwise because it isn't a separate line item in their statements. Since I pay a $20 NJ fee to AND from the city (and the toll is only in one direction -- and half the price), that's plenty tip for me.

Uber isn't the only game in town, but it's the best.  Sure, there's Lyft, Via, Sidecar (RIP) and a bunch of others.  But really, who ever lyfted home from work?

Before I ride off, I do have one last confession: After all this time, I'm kinda over Uber.  How can this BE?  I know, it's like saying you're over chocolate, or babies or sunshine.  But spending all this time in OTHER people's cars has made me crave my own.

So, next I'll be car shopping -- I just might be ubering to the dealership.

Do YOU have a tale from Uber?  Share it below...


tags: pop culture, technology, travel

Farewell, Crawleys

The Downton Abbey finale airs tonight.

You watch, right?  Don't tell me if you don't.

It has only been the most popular PBS drama of all time. When the finale aired across the pond at Christmas, it broke all records there too. It also has more Emmy nominations than any other international TV series ever. Show merchandise has made more than a quarter BILLION dollars.  They even sell Downton Abbey tea in the grocery store in my building.

Golly!

Eventually, we'll find another show to obsess over. After all, I'm totally over MadMen. But I'm certain there will never again be anything like a sisterly smackdown from Lady Mary Crawley.

It was fun to be fancy on Sunday nights! I was on the edge of my seat for the dangerous liasons of poor, dead Mr. Pamuk, and I swooned over Cousin Matthew's snowy proposal to Lady Mary, and I cried when Lady Edith (the original Jan Brady) was left at the altar and was psyched to see her become an accidental feminist, and I stood in solidarity with the downstairs staff to #FreeJohnBates.

But there's nothing I've enjoyed more than a zinger from the Dowager Countess.

So, for the finale, I'd like to pay tribute to Dame Maggie Smith (and Julian Fellowes who wrote EVERY SINGLE EPISODE) and thank them for a witty and wonderful 6 seasons:

Violet Crawley on the invention of electricity:
“I couldn’t have electricity in the house. I couldn’t sleep a wink. All those vapors seeping about.” (Season 1)

On the telephone:
“Is this an instrument of communication or torture?” (Season 1)

On the Industrial Revolution:
"First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if I were living in an H.G. Wells novel." (Season 1)

On the joys of being a mother:
"One forgets about parenthood. The on-and-on-ness of it." (Season 3)

On love:
"I'm not a romantic, but even I concede that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose to pump blood." (Season 2)

On friendships:
"There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test." (Season 5)

On houseguests:
”No guest should be admitted without the date of their departure settled.” (Season 3)

On the general public:
"The presence of strangers is the only guarantee of good behavior." (Season 5)

On deep thoughts:
"All this endless thinking. It's very overrated... I blame the war. Before 1914 nobody thought about anything at all." (Season 5)

On the great outdoors:
"That is the thing about nature, there's so *much* of it." (Season 3)

On hearing jazz for the first time:
"Do you think that any of them know what the others are playing?" (Season 4)

On her granddaughter Lady Mary's new haircut:
"Oh, it is you! I thought it was a man in your clothes." (Season 5)

On her granddaughter Lady Edith's engagement to Sir Anthony Strallan:
”At my age, one must ration one’s excitement.” (Season 3)

On her granddaughter Lady Sybil's rebellious nature:
"Vulgarity is no substitute for wit." (Season 3)

On her son Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, wearing a tuxedo to dinner:
“Do you think I might have a drink? Oh, I’m so sorry – I thought you were a waiter.” (Season 3)

On her daughter-in-law Cora's American mother, Martha Levinson:
“I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”  (Season 3)

On her grandson-in-law Matthew Crawley looking for a break from his job:
"What is a weekend?" (Season 1)

On her grandson-in-law Tom Branson's transition to the upstairs world:
"I'm afraid Tom's small talk is very small indeed!" (Season 4)

On her cousin Isobel Crawley's moral highground:
“I wonder your halo doesn’t grow heavy. It must be like wearing a tiara around the clock.” (Season 4)

On discussing financing a hospital with Cousin Isobel:
"Oh good, let's talk about money." (Season 1)

On servants being human beings too:
"Preferably only on their days off." (Season 5)

On her fellow countrymen:
"What makes the English the way we are? Some say our history, but I blame the weather." (Season 6)

On Sir Anthony Strallan's look at the altar before jilting Lady Edith:
"He looks as though he's waiting for a beating from the headmaster." (Season 3)

On whether a fire in a neighboring castle was a tragedy:
"Well, rather yes and no, that house *was* hideous... of course that is no excuse." (Season 3)

On a heated exchange between Robert and rabble-rouser/dinner guest, Miss Sarah Bunting:
"Principles are like prayers; noble, of course, but awkward at a party." (Season 5)

On the untimely death of Turkish diplomat Kemal Pamuk in a bedroom of Downton Abbey:
“Last night, he looked so well. Of course it would happen to a foreigner. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.” (Season 1)


How fitting for the British to quit while they're ahead.  No growing long in the tooth for the upstairs and downstairs of Downton.  It would be bad form.

Farewell, my stuffy old friends!

PS: If you've very sad when the show ends, check this out.  It will cheer you up. Here's a peek:

tags: entertainment, pop culture

Grease Is the Word

I know I'm superlate with my first post of 2016.

A bunch of stuff happened since my last one --  I stuck my toes in the sand at Clearwater Beach, I binged on Making a Murderer like the rest of America, I went to Google's offices, and I got stuck in LA thanks to snowstorm Jonas. But tonight, I'm finally feeling inspired by the most amazing thing to happen all year.

I'm speaking, of course, of Grease Live.

Is there anything better on the planet than Grease?  If there is, I don't know it.  My love affair with the gang from Rydell High started at the ripe age of 5.  I had a red record player and Grease (double album set) was on repeat.

Sure, I didn't understand most of it.  When Kenickie talked about his 25 cent insurance policy, I fully thought he was talking about his car.  And the hickie he gave Rizzo, I heard it as "pinkie" -- as in pinkie swear.  I also thought Danny Zuko had "shoes" that were multiplying.

It wasn't until I was in college that I understood how suggestive the lyrics actually are.

And now the kids will be all confused again because they scrubbed Greased Lightnin' up for TV so the chicks will "scream." And they're building a "dream" wagon.

Yeah, that's it.

Oddly, they left, "Did she put up a fight?" in Summer Nights. Eh, whatevs, I always thought it was, "Did she tell me I'm right?" anyway.

Fitting...

So, I've seen this movie at least 100 times. Every time it's on, I get sucked in. Every. Single. Time. I even own Grease 2 without a trace of irony.  Cool Rider is the shit.

(FOX, you listening?  You're waaaay better at these live musicals than NBC. G2 next, mkay?)

As I type this, my mom and I are watching this extravaganza together on the phone -- she's in FL and I'm in NJ.  I've been waiting for MONTHS to see this -- I even Greased Myself.  I might be the most annoying person in the world to watch Grease with because I play along with every line, song, and move.

I was born to hand jive.

Incidentally, I may never recover that the sound went out while Joe Jonas was doing his best Sha-Na-Na doing their best Johnny Casino & the Gamblers.  But Jan Brady in here as Mrs. Murdock makes it all better.

And here's a tasty bit of trivia: You know that Danny Meyer burger chain we all go crazy for?  Shake Shack?  Named after the ride in Grease.

True story.

So, Beauty School Dropouts, I can't be the only superfan. Channel your inner Pink Lady or T-Bird below!



tags: entertainment, pop culture, polls

Which Christmas Cookie Are You?

I'm fully in the holiday spirit after recently spending the day at my college roommate's house.

We baked a TON of sugar cookies with her kids and it was a total blast. We also decorated full sheets of Rice Krispie Treats and whipped up a peanut butter, chocolate, and raspberry bar cookie, called a Jam Jam.

More like, yum yum!

I think we may make it an annual thing -- which I love, because the last time we went on a baking spree was exactly half a lifetime ago.

We were 21, in college and avoiding studying for exams. So of course, we decided to make roughly 20 dozen cookies from a Mrs. Fields cookbook my mom bought us. We put them in festive Saran Wrap and loaded everything into our sleigh (also known as my roomie's white Chevy Beretta), then hand-delivered them to our friends (who were almost entirely guys).

Because, priorities.

Since it's also Thursday, here's a little throwback for you from that marathon baking session. And if it looks like we lived in a dump, it's because we kinda did. Eh, at least it was on the beach...

Now, back to the good stuff: Treats. We all have a favorite Christmas cookie.  It's the first one you eat from the tray. Learn below what I think each one says about you.

Choose wisely...

1. Biscotti: You are a hipster, or an old Italian grandma.
2. Candy Cane Shaped Cookies: You own an apron, you love Christmas, and you don't care who knows it.
3. Chocolate Chip Cookies: You are loyal and a good friend. You also get all your recipes from the backs of packages.
4. Chocolate Truffles: You don't bake and you keep sweaters in your oven.
5. Crinkle Cookies: You are adventurous, and like Cyndi Lauper, you just want to have fun.
6. Gingerbread: You are organized, creative and do not know how to "let it go."
7. Linzer or Lace Cookies: You fancy.  If you're not already British, you wish you were.
8. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies: You are a do-gooder, but you are not invited to my party, Falalala Flackseed.
9. Rum Balls: Your favorite flavor is tipsy and you have tinsel stuck to your shoe.
10. Snickerdoodles: You love crossword puzzles and have hosted an ugly sweater party.
11. Spritz Cookies: You could have made a sugar cookie, but you try harder. You might also eat your feelings.
12. Sugar Cookies: You are traditional but everyone is glad you came.  The same cannot be said for fruitcake.

So, does the oven mitt fit? Am I half-baked? Tell me which cookie you got below.

And merry everything to YOU!


tags: holidays, food

Dear Stores That Close on Thanksgiving,

We all have 80 bazillion Black Friday emails clogging up our inboxes. It's now an official holiday, so named for the day companies go "in the black" and start turning a profit for the year.

To make the most of it, stores once opened at 6am. Then, midnight. A few years ago Walmart upped the ante and said, "Pie is for jerks! WE open the night before!"

And now, that's become the norm.

Let's call it Gray Thursday.

So, today, instead of sitting down to turkey with the fam, lunatics will camp out in parking lots so they can stampede through store doors in desperate search of deals. And stores will staff up to handle the mobs they create.

Old Navy is even giving A MILLION DOLLARS to someone standing on line today when they open at 4pm.

On Thanksgiving.

This is abysmal.

There is one retail trend I actually like. This year, I see lots of stores advertising that they AREN'T open today.  That's as refreshing as the Alka Seltzer you'll surely need after you eat your weight in Stove Top.

I've gotten emails from DSW (see above), Crate & Barrel and Sur la Table all saying, "See you Friday. On Thursday, we feast!"  I've seen commercials for HomeGoods/TJ Maxx/Marshalls with a great message: Bring Back the Holidays.

If I was remotely outdoorsy, I also would have heard from REI.  They have decided they're closed on FRIDAY TOO so people can #optoutside and trade florescent lights and cash registers for sunshine and streams. Or something like that.

And why not?!

After all, there's a little thing called the Internet, which makes it possible to sit at your dining room table and shop in your underwear while gnawing on a turkey leg if that's what your greasy little heart desires.

Seriously, though, who needs to stand in line to elbow grannies out of the way for a "doorbuster" deal on a $5 crockpot, or clothesline a dude to save 80% on a super humongous big screen HDTV from a brand you've never heard?

I love a good sale as much as the next gal, but why would a retailer want me in their store, anyway?

In store I only buy what I can carry. Online, it's what the UPS and FedEx guys can carry. And that's limitless. Well, okaaay, maybe there are SOME limits...

But that's between me and my boyfriend, Amex.

Cyber Monday doesn't even make sense to me anymore.  It all started on a weekday because they thought people's internet connections were faster at work than at home. That's not true anymore. Plus, these deals run all month long. There will ALWAYS be another sale. And they'll keep on running thru Christmas. Until New Years.

We all get whipped up in these artificial demand frenzies. Because let's face it: Retailers are just scared of Amazon.

And they should be.

You might say these stores that can afford to close on Thanksgiving do so because they were never in the game to begin with.  On Black Friday, electronics, clothes, and toys take the cake (and the pumpkin pie).  Last time I checked, these guys sell shoes, and housewares, and canoes. Or whatever REI sells.

But I don't care.

I plan to go online this holiday weekend and throw an extra (wish)bone to the stores that are closed today.  Because they have their wallets AND their hearts in the right place.

Happy Turkey Day to you and yours.  May you eat your taters at a table and not on a line outside Target.

Gobble, gobble!


tags: commercials, holidays, rants

The Loveseat Potato Fries Up Fall TV, 2015 Style

We all know that DVRs, on-demand, and online streaming shows have forever changed the way we watch television -- to the point that we don't even watch it on a television anymore.

The Jetsons would be super jealous.

Obviously, I have a cable package fit for a queen with every movie channel under the sun. And I already had Netflix and Amazon Prime, but I recently caved in and got Hulu too, thanks to a little Mindy Kaling show I love.

But some things never change. Hold on to your taters, friends -- fall 2015 TV shows are here!

I started these reviews in 2009 and followed up in 2010 with a fascinating (ahem) account of my DVR schedule juggling act. Mrs. Potato Head made a guest appearance in 2011.  The Loveseat Potato was born (picked? harvested?) in 2012.  In 2013, she found a spuddy buddy to watch alongside and in 2014 she was surrounded by a scary herd of cats.

Sounds about right.

You'll recall that I... err, the Loveseat Potato... likes to bag a few episodes of each new show before passing judgment.  This year, she watched 44 different shows for you and invited some fry guys along for the fun.

They are in a hot tub, like on The Bachelorette.

So, without further delay, pass the ketchup and chew on this...


BEST NEW DRAMA:

SPUD: Wicked City (ABC)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
1980s. LA. Serial killers. Chuck Bass. This show makes me want to snort some baby aspirin and go kill a drifter! Jeremy Sisto's also in it. And while he looks like he brushed his hair with a fork, I think he's handling 40 just fine.

Honorable mention goes to: Public Morals (TNT -- Ed Burns, you can do no wrong), Limitless (CBS -- interesting because I didn't like the movie at all), Flesh & Bone (Starz), Narcos (Netflix), Sneaky Pete (Amazon)

DUDS: Blindspot (NBC), Quantico (ABC), Code Black (CBS), Rosewood (FOX), The Player (NBC)



BEST NEW COMEDY:

SPUD: The Grinder (FOX)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
Rob Lowe is beautiful and funny. Here, he's not a lawyer, but he played one on TV. Fred Savage really steals the show as an actual lawyer. The writing is snappy and it's fun to see that Kevin Arnold's all growns up. The only strange thing is the name, given that Grindr is a gay men's dating site (not like Tinder, which is just meant for straight men and whores).

Honorable mention goes to: Crazy Ex Girlfriend (CW), The Muppets (ABC), Life in Pieces (CBS), Blunt Talk (Starz), Ballers (HBO), Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (Netflix), Casual (Hulu), Difficult People (Hulu), Catastrophe (Amazon), Grandfathered (FOX -- this isn't that good, but I love me some Stamos -- sue me)

DUDS: Dr. Ken (ABC), Truth Be Told (NBC -- Zack Morris, quit it), Grace & Frankie (Netflix)


BEST NEW SUPERNATURAL:

SPUD: Scream Queens (FOX)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
Ryan Murphy. If Glee and American Horror Story had a baby, it would be this show. Jamie Lee Curtis is the original scream queen and Emma Roberts was born to play Chanel No. 1. It's totally hilarious, the music is amazing, and Oliver Hudson is much better on this show than he is on Nashville.

Honorable mention goes to: American Horror Story: Hotel (FX), Supergirl (CBS)

DUDS: The Bastard Executioner (FX), Minority Report (FOX)




BEST NEW REALITY:

SPUD: Project Greenlight (HBO)

WHY IT'S A SMASH: Ok okaaaay.  I know it's not new, but it hasn't been on for like a decade so it counts. This director is the most delusional yet, and I might actually watch The Leisure Class (unlike the other movies made -- The Battle of Shaker Heights, Stolen Summer, and another stinker I can't remember).

Honorable mention goes to: The Comment Section (E!), Apres Ski (Bravo), Chef's Table (Netflix)

DUDS: Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris (NBC -- love you NPH but I just don't know what to do with all this craziness), The Jacksons: The Next Generation (Lifetime), Sex in Public (TLC), Real Housewives of NJ: Teresa Checks In (Bravo -- shame on you!)


BEST CURRENT SHOW THAT'S NEW AGAIN:

SPUD: Undateable (NBC)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
This was a mediocre one-note sitcom about relationships. Then, last season they did a live episode and it was AMAZING. Now the whole show is live. Every week. Which makes it 1000x more watchable. I love when they break character, and the celeb cameos (TV's Scott Foley, I'm talking to YOU), and the new credits each week, and the band, and the references to stuff actually happening in the world. Take it to church!






BEST SHOW THAT'S NOT ON TV:

SPUD: Red Oaks (Amazon)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
It takes place in the 1980s in Jersey and I swear when I was 14 I took tennis lessons at the same country club it's based on. So I loved it instantly. I'm even finally getting used to Jennifer Grey's new face. Easy to binge on the whole season in a day.









Lastly, it's time to roast a show I wanted to love (really, I did!), but I didn't:

MOST DISAPPOINTING SHOW OF THE FALL SEASON:

DUD: Blood & Oil (ABC)

WHY IT'S A ROTTEN POTATO:
Oh man, I really was looking forward to this one. It seemed like a Dallas and Revenge mashup, with a splash of Miami Vice and a Gossip Girl cherry on top. Oil tycoons doing what they do best -- double-crossing each other. So, what could be bad? Well, the acting for one. The writing for another. And don't even get me started on the plot. So... no bueno. I'll hang in for a bit longer. Maybe they'll hit a gusher. But more than likely, it will just get drilled.






Disagree?  See anything I missed?  Put the DVR on pause and comment below...


tags: entertainment

Lucky 7

I kind of can't believe it, but this here blog just turned 7. I can think of very few things I've done for 7 years straight.  I guess I must like it!

But the last 12 months were a mixed bag. I was pretty sick with something I'll now live with forever. Boo hoo. I moved back home to the Jerz, where I really belong. Woo hoo! I'm officially old enough to have a 20th college reunion. Boo hoo. It was actually a blast (without drinking). Woo hoo! I did a ton of traveling, and somehow never took a vacation. Boo hoo. I was able to bring my whole family home to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. Woo hoo!

You get the idea...

I hope year 7 will be lucky.  I could use some of that.  And I hope I find more time to share it with you.  In the meantime, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014, here's a look back at the past year:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
276

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
1.2 (down from 1.9 last year -- UGH... Must. Get. Better)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
355 (up from 282 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
2,213 (up from 1,490 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Direct Bookmarks (last year it was Pinterest)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
Facelift (July 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)
The Great Pop Tart Pop Off (October 2010)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Dear Ikea
50 Shades of Peeps
The End of an Era
Mind the Gap

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Super Bowl Ad Showdown
The Best Pasta Salad I've Ever Eaten

Most Comments:
A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast

Most Popular Poll:
Up in the Air (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead: Soon I'll update you on my experience with the new shopping site Jet.com and explain why I have a fun-house face.  Plus, the most wonderful time of the year -- Fall TV -- is finally here, so the Loveseat Potato & friends can't be far behind.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: writing