Here's to Your Health

This might be the longest I've ever gone without posting. So Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy (almost) Valentine's Day.

Now that's out of the way, I should prob explain why I've been MIA!

About a week ago, I produced a huge event for work -- #BlogHer18 Health, where about 1,000 health & wellness social media influencers joined us for 2 days.  And it has been ALL consuming.

It's extremely hard for me to do anything a little bit. If I'm going to spend my time on something, I'm generally all in.

So by the time this incredible experience was over, I was sick (isn't it ironic?), my feet were full of blisters, I'd neglected my friends and family (and YOU), there was zero food left in my fridge, and my apartment was in a shambles.

The good news is it was a really great event, and I'm SO proud of my team who pulled it off.

But one thing is clear: I need some balance.  I think they call it "self care" -- that phrase makes me barf.  But there's def a middle ground that I'm missing.

Do YOU have any suggestions for still having a life while making a living?  I'll take whatever tips or tricks you've got in the comments below.

And while you think, take a look at these pretty pics... I wish you could have been there!

Pretty cool kickoff ringing the closing bell at the Nasdaq.

Acoustic performance by super-talented Brynn Elliott.

(Non-alcoholic) rose for days...

The calm before the storm.

Selfie wall, inspired in part by an Old Navy commercial.

So proud of the Hatch Kids, who gave an award to Chelsea Clinton.

Dance moves with the sweet, petite Julianne Hough.

Keynote speaker and total badass, Jillian Michaels.

The lovely Kate Walsh played a doctor on TV!

Camila Alves McConaughy & Pitch winner,
Bethany Edwards who invented a flushable pregnancy test!

The iconic Arianna Huffington.

Blue & green smoothies? Don't mind if I do!

Raise your glass.

A venue with a view.

A friend of mind posted this -- made me laugh.

The Essentials

It's been awhile, huh?  I'm the WORST.  

Not sure what I've been so busy doing? (Working, eating, breathing, decking the halls, and, of course, watching TV.)  

I am kind of loving my new TV site.  I feel like a couch potato for Science. At least, that's what I tell myself mid-binge.

Anyway, for the most part, actual actors haven't noticed anything I've posted about them -- except for the crazy talented stars of Crazy Ex Girlfriend. 

They're crazy awesome.

Reality stars have been delightful. I've hit the radars of people on Below Deck, Real Housewives of the OC, Big Brother, The Challenge and most recently, Floribama Shore (which you need to watch, like, now).

I even got a like from Byrd the Bailiff on Judge Judy!  

It was life-changing.

Anyway, there's this new show on Bravo called Stripped -- is anyone watching this thing?  It's nuts. They take EVERYTHING from you -- even your clothes -- and every day for 3 weeks you can take a single item back (from a storage shed a mile away -- which you walk to naked or covered with leaves or pizza boxes from the neighbor's trash).

Once you get past the floppy pixels, it's actually an interesting social experiment and it got me thinking: If I could only have 21 items -- one per day -- what would I take and in what order would I take it?

Keep in mind, on the show, you do get your empty house as shelter, you have a sink/shower/toilet, packaged food, water, and toiler paper.

They're not monsters!

But you still have to go to work and see people.  Ok, maybe they ARE monsters.

I'd never actually be on this show, but here's my list of items I can't live without. One for each day:

1. Maxi dress -- The MVP. I just can't be naked. This will cover my whole body with a single item.
2. Sleeper sofa -- A two-in-one for sleeping and sitting - genius!
3. Toothpaste -- By day 3 my breath will peel the paint off walls. I will use my finger to brush.
4. Cell phone + charger -- iPhone is life.
5. Sneakers -- My feet will be disgusting and I've prob been using couch cushions as shoes.
6. Antibacterial soap -- To scrub my filthy feet, pits & hands. I will use it as shampoo too.
7. Blanket -- I can wear it while I air out my stinky dress AND it doubles as a towel. Comforting.
8. License -- Because I get carded at bars. Kidding. Because I'm about to get my car back.
9. Car + keys -- Will make it far easier to go back and forth to storage. And to get to work.
10. Amex card -- There's honestly nothing an Amex can't do.
11. Deodorant -- Before my coworkers are certain that garbage stench is me.
12. Sweater -- I'm probably freezing in that dress. 
13. Leggings -- Because the dress is unraveling and downright funky by now. I would burn it but... no matches.
14. Lamp -- I'm afraid of the dark. I hope it comes with a lightbulb.
15. Refrigerator -- It might be nice to have some fruit so I don't get scurvy.
16. Microwave -- Now we're cooking.  Two words: Hot. Pockets.
17. Laptop + power cord -- Mainly because I'm going cross-eyed watching Netflix on my phone.
18. Lip gloss -- This seems dumb, I know, but I REALLY love lip gloss. Might be addicted.
19. Comb -- With shiny lips, my hair will look worse.  Make it wide tooth -- knots will be v bad.
20. Fork  -- Eating like a caveman for 3 weeks was getting old. 
21. Pillow -- To silence the screams when I finally look in a mirror.

So that's my list of essentials.  Know what I didn't pick?  

No toothbrush, no razor, no socks, no undies, no bra (guard your eyes), and oddly, no TV!  (Technically.)

So what are YOUR essentials? List them below... and watch Floribama Shore.  It will not disappoint.

7 Lazy (Not Lame) Halloween Costumes

I seriously can't remember the last time I dressed up for Halloween.  For sure, it was back when I was young and fun.

I do remember being Raggedy Ann, Wonder Woman, a Rockette, a bunny, Madonna, a farmer (don't ask-- Guess overalls were all the rage), a flapper, an angel, a dude, and (inexplicably) a member of a lady gang.

Not terribly creative.

You know what else isn't creative?  Cats.

No doubt you will see a minimum of 13 people dressed as cats on this and every Halloween.  Don't be that girl.

Finding a great costume doesn't have to be hard!  Let's face it: Nobody's ever successfully recreated a Halloween makeup tutorial from YouTube anyway.  So being a SnapChat filter, or a sparkly unicorn, or Harley Quinn, or that Dragon Queen from Game of Thrones is off the table.

Looking for costume inspiration?  Never fear!  Here are 7 EASY & FREE things I would be for Halloween, if I got dressed up for Halloween (which I don't).

ALL these things are just laying around my house, and probably yours too...


ROSÉ ALL DAY

Why? To appear cooler than I am

What you'll need:
- A pink top & joggers
- Metallic heels
- Pink lip gloss & polish
- Shades & other accessories
- Wine bottle & a wine glass





A STARBUCKS VAMPIRE FRAPPUCCINO

Why? To be trendy & cuter than a zombie

What you'll need:
- Tight black pants & a black top
- Leather jacket & boots
- Red lips, red nails, and a clutch
- A hair straightener
- A Starbucks cup





BETTY COOPER FROM RIVERDALE

Why? To be a retro icon that isn't Wonder Woman

What you'll need:
- A sweaterset (bonus if it's pink) & white pants
- A matching headband & ponytail
- Ballerina flats
- A hair curler
- A black lacy bra (for Dark Betty)





WOMAN LAUGHING WHILE EATING SALAD

Why? To seem like an ironic hipster

What you'll need:
- A gray sweater & jeans
- Cute flats
- Nail polish (I like Bitter Bitch by Tom Ford)
- A bowl & fork
- A nice salad





A FORMAL APOLOGY

Why? Because I'm punny like that

What you'll need:
- A fancy top & skirt (or dress)
- Black heels
- False lashes
- A sign that says "sorry"






A SUPERFAN

Why? Because I'm extremely lazy

What you'll need:
- A jersey & hat from your fave team
- Leggings
- Socks & sneakers
- Nail polish in your team's color for spirit fingers
- 2 pony tail holders for pigtails or braids





PIZZA RAT

Why? Because I can still use cat ears AND eat pizza

What you'll need:
- A gray sweater & black jeans
- Black boots
- Black lipstick & liner for eyes, whiskers & nose
- Cat/Rat ears
- Pizza (improvise if you don't have a slice)





So there you have it.  7 looks you probably already have that won't make you look just like everyone else this Halloween. Or at least not like a cat.

You're welcome.

What are YOUR non-cat costume ideas?

Refried Potatoes

Ok, so everybody knows this tater loves her TV.

Reality. Comedies. Dramas. Documentaries. Mysteries. Game shows. Talk shows. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.

Give me all of it!

I've also been busy on a side project called... Jen Loves TV.

Any clue what it's about?

Of course, I'll still be writing here about all sorts of random things.  But that other site, Twitter and Instagram will be for my totally healthy, normal and casual interest in all things televised.

You may be wondering if this new site is for you. I suggest you take this quiz to know for sure.


Ok so back to our potato.  This fall season she was ready to serve up a slew of new shows, but guess what?

The world has officially run out of ideas because a lot of new shows are really just old potatoes.

Think potato croquettes. Potato soup.  Potato salad.  Tater tots.

There were SO many leftovers that I had to add a category below -- Refried Potatoes.  Like always, I -- that is, the Loveseat Potato -- watched at least 2 episodes of each show (30 in all!) to sort the spuds from the duds.

Grab a bag of stale chips and munch on this...


BEST NEW COMEDY

SPUD: Young Sheldon (CBS)
WHY IT'S A SMASH: This is a spinoff of The Big Bang Theory, a show I don't actually watch. But I'm a sucker for a nerdy kid, and this one's pretty cute.

Honorable Mention Goes To: The Guest Book (TBS), The Mayor (ABC)

REFRIED POTATOES: Will & Grace (NBC), Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO), Kevin Can Wait (CBS -- not 100% recycled, but they killed off the wife so they could recreate the chemistry from King of Queens so it counts)

DUDS: 9JKL (CBS), Me Myself & I (CBS), Friends From College (Netflix)


BEST NEW DRAMA

SPUD: Kevin (Probably) Saves the World (ABC)
WHY IT'S A SMASH: I loved John Ritter, and I love Jason Ritter too -- he's cute and likable, just like his dad. Seems like a sweet show.

Honorable Mention Goes To: The Deuce (HBO), The Sinner (USA), Ozark (Netflix), Glow (Netflix)

REFRIED POTATOES: Dynasty (CW)

DUDS: Ten Days in the Valley (ABC), Law & Order True Crime: The Menendez Murders (NBC), I'm Dying Up Here (HBO), Wisdom of the Crowd (CBS)



BEST NEW REALITY

SPUD: Celebrity Big Brother (CBS)
WHY IT'S A SMASH: It hasn't even aired yet, but the rest of the new reality lineup is crap. This UK hit is coming to the US this winter and I can't wait.

Honorable Mention Goes To: Siesta Key (MTV), Beat Shazam (FOX -- it's basically Name That Tune, but I like it)

REFRIED POTATOES: Battle of the Network Stars (ABC), Love Connection (FOX), Joker's Wild (TBS), TRL (MTV), My Super Sweet 16 (MTV)

DUDS: 90's House (MTV), American Beauty Star (Lifetime), A Night With My Ex (Bravo), Real Estate Wars (Bravo)


Disagree? See anything I missed?  Pass the onion dip, put the DVR on pause and comment below...

PS: I gave the blog a facelift -- what do you think?

Nine

What do these things have in common?
-- Clouds
-- Cat's Lives
-- Circles of Hell
-- Justices on the Supreme Court

If you guessed the number 9, you're super smart and my favorite person in the whole wide world!

You know what else is 9?  This blog.

I've legit never done anything consistently for a 9 year span besides be a daughter, sister, friend, and toothbrusher.  No job, relationship, or hobby ever lasted this long.

I guess I must like it.

Not enough, of course, to find the time to do it as much as I should, buuut... ya know.

Anyway, as we've done in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016 let's take a look back at the last year...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
302

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
0.7 (down from 0.9 last year -- UGH... I really suck)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
619 (up from 402 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
3,140 (up from 2,705 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
Farewell, Crawleys (March 2016)
Which Christmas Cookie Are You? (December 2015)
Grease Is the Word (January 2016)
Dear Stores that Close on Thanksgiving (November 2015)
A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast (December 2014)
Freedom (July 2016)
Election Eve (November 2016)
New View (September 2014)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Elf on the Shelf Is My Homie
All Lathered Up
Choose Your Words

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Women Who Rock

Most Comments:
All Lathered Up

Most Popular Poll:
I didn't do any this year.  Poo.
Up in the Air (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating

Lastly, I think I'll add a NEW category...

My Favorite Post I Wrote This Year:
My Rock & Roll Hall of Fame -- it was really fun going down music memory lane


Next on deck will be the Loveseat Potato's annual review of new Fall TV shows (warning: pickins are slim), I think I'll give this blog a facelift, and I just might share a secret...

Thanks (as always) for reading!

Back to School

Sorry...I went on a little writing hiatus.  But I'm back!

Let's get caught up: I turned 44. I miss Coke Zero. I liked Ozark, but didn't love it.  I'm psyched about Amazon & Whole Foods.  North Korea is giving me hives. Irma gave me 100 gray hairs. And I'm pissed Equifax leaked all our data.

Ok?  Ok.

So it's been a minute since I've been a student.  Or 11,563,200 minutes, but who's counting?

I was recently asked to give some advice to a graduating high school senior.  Over the years, I've given a lot of advice to students graduating college, but this was a first.

Oh, and she was born in 2000.  Just let that soak in for a minute...

Anyway, when I think about my own experience at her age, I was a pretty serious about school.  I was decently popular, but I do feel like I missed out on life because I was so wrapped up being the perfect student and daughter.

I was in mostly honors and AP classes.  I made the National Honor Society.  I tracked my grade point average down to the hundredth of a decimal point.  I kept a list of every book I ever read.  I graduated in the top 10% of my class.  I did well on my SATs, was accepted early decision to college, and started with a few credits in the bag because of my scores on the AP English test.  I never cut school, never drank, never snuck out at night.  I lived a very G-rated life.

College was a different story.

I didn't go crazy, but I definitely relaxed.  A lot.  Pretty early on I realized I didn't have to work all that hard and I'd still get grades of the A and B (and occasionally C) variety.

I worked my way into the classes I wanted so my roommate and I could have the same schedule (that was back when nothing was online so you could tell the professor that the registrar signed you up and tell the registrar that the professor signed you up -- and no one was the wiser).  I went to class regularly, but didn't study much.  I wrote every paper the night before it was due.  I slept through a French final (and still somehow got a B).  We went out 4 nights a week.  At least.

And I did just fine.

I graduated college with a 3.45.  Looking back, I wish I pushed myself just a tiiiny bit to make Dean's List at 3.5.

But I'm sure there was a happy medium between my high school and college self.  So when it came time to give that advice, here's what I said:

• Go to class -- seriously, just go. It's why you're there. And you won't have to study as hard if you just listen and take notes.
• Use the buddy system -- college is so much easier to navigate with a friend.
• Figure it out -- you are in a giant safety net, use this time to learn what you like and what you don't about school, subjects, activities, relationships & life.
• Be smart -- nothing is private and social media lives forever, so watch what you say and do or your parents will disown you and no one will hire you when you graduate. Kidding.  (Not really.)
• Take naps -- preschool and college are the only times this is acceptable until you're 70, enjoy it.

So, how'd I do?  What would YOU have said?  Give me some advice below...


tags: jersey, rants

All Lathered Up

Do you remember that Friends when they were in the steamy Caribbean at Ross' dinosaur conference and Monica's hair got bigger in every scene?

That's me.

Now, don't get me wrong.  This Jersey Girl loves big hair.  What I don't love is the fuzzy halo that surrounds it.

I have combination hair.  Is that a thing?  You can see its true identity when I let it air dry.  Somehow I have ringlets underneath, with wavy strands on top, and a few straight chunks in the front.

The frizz is just a bonus.

I guess I could have just gotten a keratin treatment and called it a day, but I feel like that makes your hair sooo flat.  I need volume.

And since I can't do anything a little bit, over the past few months I tried 17 different brands to tame my mane.  Each time, all I did was use these products and blow dry or air dry my hair -- no flat irons or magic hair wands involved.

Here are my findings in the People vs. Frizz...from best to worst.

Or just skip down to the bottom for the top 8 products I can't live without.

(And since it's weird to see my giant head over and over and over again, I'm using Snapchat pics because... filters.)


ALL TIME BEST:

FEKKAI: Brilliant Glossing

Cost: $20.99/ea
Good Smell: YES!
Rich Lather: YES!
Key Ingredient: Olive Oil

Did it Work? Yes -- this is my all-time fave and I've been using it for many years. I buy it for myself every year for my bday.  I always get compliments on my hair when I use it, and people tell me I smell good.  Honestly, what more could a girl (or mouse) want?





BEST BEAUTY STORE BRAND:

LIVING PROOF FRIZZ

Cost: $28-$59/ea depending on the size you buy
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredient: A bunch of chemicals I can't pronounce

Did it Work? Shockingly, yes!  I like it so much I bought the jumbo size.  I think the key is that it makes the texture of my hair better. It's quite a process with the cream & spray, but it helps.  Take THAT humidity!

BEST DRUG STORE BRAND:

AUSSIE: Total Miracle

Cost: $3.99/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredient: Australian Aloe, Jojoba Oil & Sea Kelp

Did it Work? I actually think it does! I let it air dry and my hair was wavy not frizzy. It claims to have 7 miraculous benefits in every bottle.  Cool.  I'll let you know if a genie pops out and grants me 3 hair wishes.






THESE 3 ARE WORTH A TRY:

PANTENE PRO-V: Smooth & Sleek

Cost: $4.99/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredient: Argan Oil

Did it Work? Sure. I've used Pantene forever and it always has a place in my shower.  I just think my hair needs a fling with some other shampoos from time to time.  But I always find my way back home.

TRESEMEE EXPERT SELECTION: Keratin Smooth

Cost: $5.99/ea
Good Smell: Sorta
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredient: Keratin

Did it Work? Actually this one is pretty good, super affordable -- and smooth!  The only weird thing is they say you'll have 7 days of straight hair, but I'm not sure who could put it to the test and go 7 days without washing it.  Certainly not this little piggie!

MOROCCANOIL: Hydration

Cost: $48/kit
Good Smell: No, smells musky like bad cologne
Rich Lather: Sorta
Key Ingredient: Moroccan Oil

Did it Work? Ok the smell is funky to me but I definitely have smoother hair when I use it. So hold your little pink nose and jump in.








THESE 7 ARE SO-SO:

WHOLE BLENDS: Smoothing

Cost: $3.49/ea
Good Smell: Maybe
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredients: Coconut Oil & Cocoa Butter

Did it Work? The fox says no. It does have a super strong smell that really sticks with you.  This is great if you don't mind stinking like suntan lotion while you're sitting in a meeting.

GARNIER FRUCTIS: Sleek & Shine

Cost: $4.49/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather:  Yes
Key Ingredient: Argan Oil & Apricot

Did it Work? In a word, no.  No sleek.  No shine.  No bueno.  It does smell really good though.  And I'm a sucker for good lather.

OGX: Renewing Argan Oil of Morocco

Cost: $7.99/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Sorta
Key Ingredient: Argan Oil

Did it Work?  Ish. This wants so badly to be Moroccan Oil.  But it isn't. So my hair was as fuzzy as this photo.

NOT YOUR MOTHER'S: Curl Defining Shampoo

Cost: $8.99/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Sorta
Key Ingredient: Mango butter

Did it Work? Not really. But to be fair, I wasn't going for curly, just for not frizzy. That might be why my hair looks so stringy. At least it smelled good!

BED HEAD TIGI: Small Talk

Cost: $20.99
Good Smell: No -- smells like a fruity stripper
Rich Lather: No, but it's not supposed to
Key Ingredient: Chemicals

Did it Work? It might but I hate the smell. It's like a blueberry died on my head.  I do love the one with the giant S on it though.  That one smells like papaya heaven and is a good leave in conditioner.

IT'S A 10: Miracle Leave-In

Cost: $33.29
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: No, but it's not supposed to
Key Ingredient: Keratin

Did it Work? Unclear. I used to think this worked to make my hair smooth.  Then I tried all this other stuff.  And I realized, it kinda doesn't. Woof.

DRYBAR: 100 Proof

Cost: $36
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Yes
Key Ingredient: Some Kind of Oil

Did it Work? Not really. It smells a bit incense-y and I think I just don't like hair oils.  They make my hair floppy. The shampoo & conditioner are ok, but for $36 apiece, this bunny needs more.







THESE 4 LEGIT GAVE ME A BAD HAIR DAY:

JOHN FRIEDA FRIZZ EASE: Beyond Smooth Frizz-Immunity

Cost: $6.99/ea
Good Smell: Yes
Rich Lather: Sorta
Key Ingredient: Coconut Oil

Did it Work? No. But they say it works gradually. If they mean decades, then maybe I'm on the right track.  But so far, this brand never works on my hair. Frizzy.  Fuzzy.  Fooey.

BUMBLE AND BUMBLE: BB Straight & Hairdresser's Invisible Oil

Cost: $31/ea
Good Smell: NO
Rich Lather: Sorta
Key Ingredient: A bunch of chemicals I can't pronounce

Did it Work? No. I'm pretty sure the shampoo/conditioner made my hair MORE frizzy and that invisible oil should be called Highly Visible Oil That Gives You Weird Shiny Patches And Does Not Come Off Your Hands.

NEXXUS: City Shield Sheer Frizz Resistance

Cost: $13.99 - $19.99/ea
Good Smell: No
Rich Lather: No
Key Ingredients: Lotus Extract & Wheat Protein

Did it Work? NO! In a catfight between my frizzy hair and the so-called frizz resistant city shield, my hair won.  Grrr.

KERASTASE: Nutritive Masquintense

Cost: $31.99-$51.99 depending on where you get it
Good Smell: NO-- smells like a guest soap at your grandma's house
Rich Lather: No, but it's not supposed to
Key Ingredient: Natural Lipid Conditioning Agent and Emollients with Irisome Complexe

Did it Work? Nope. I think Irisome Complexe is code for super greasy hair.  This dumb jar costs a fortune and it stinks in every sense of the word.





Ok.  Let's end on a high hair note!

Here are 8 hair products I can't live without -- fancy shampoo, daily shampoo, 2-1 for lazy days, dry shampoo for lazier days, hairspray, styling cream, leave in conditioner & sea salt spray.

What can I say?  The hair wants what it wants.

List YOUR go-to hair tips & tricks below...


tags: beauty, shopping, taste tests

There Will Be Blood

Spoiler Alert: This post is gross.  Skip it if you're squeamish...

Back in April, I got the worst news ever: I needed a root canal.

Crap.

I just finished the 3 STEP process today.  It's June.

You know how root canals have this reputation of being a horrible experience?  Well, if you read anything about them recently, everyone says that's a myth.  They say with today's advanced techniques it's really not so bad.  Some might even say it's a breeze!

They lie.

Let me tell you the truth about my toxic tooth...

It all started because a filling cracked off when I was eating guacamole.  How that happened, I'll never know.  Anyway, we're talking about the molar waaaaay in the back of my mouth on the left side (the middle tooth in this pic).

Meet my rotten/robot tooth.

That stubby tooth next door is my deeply impacted wisdom tooth.  See, I have giant horse teeth and a tiny jaw.  I also am lacking the standard amount of choppers a grown adult should have (32) because a bunch of them were yanked out when I was a kid to prevent crowding.

Then I wore braces for 4.5 years.

The net-net is I have a nice smile, 26 visible teeth, and a massive phobia of dentists.  So wisdom and his 3 buddies are staying put.

Forever.

Anyway, it turns out when you lose a filling in that hard to reach spot, it's not great.  I say this because in all likelihood, the filling cracked a while ago but I didn't know.  And bacteria wormed its way around and killed my tooth from the inside.

Didn't even hurt.  So it wasn't until my guacamole was suddenly extra crunchy that I knew I had a problem.

It was like eating a driveway.

My sweet hometown dentist said, "uh oh," when he looked at the black spot my xray (see above).  Never a good sign.  Once he said the words "root canal" I basically zoned out of the rest of the words coming out of his mouth.

Blah, blah, blabedy, blah blah.

He referred me to an endodontist.  Apparently, that's a guy who does root canals, all day, every day.  And I'll be honest, I didn't look up much about this procedure.  Mainly because there was no sense in freaking myself out about the inevitable.

I'd rather just not know anything and let sheer horror wash over me in the moment.

Really test my fight or flight instincts.

So I'm in the chair for appointment #1 and I'm sitting next to a giant tray of truly medieval shit.  I don't even know what I'm looking at, but I know it's scary AF.

Doc comes in and makes a knock knock joke.  And I instantly know I'm in for a long day.

I brace myself for the actual root canal (which I naively believe is the worst part),  And it was no picnic.  After all, he's about to drill and scoop and stuff my roots with God knows what.  But first, he shows me this giant piece of rubber with 2 bars to keep my jaw open and a clamp to hook on my tooth.

Now, it's a party.

In all, 7 disturbing things were said:
1. Just so you know, your co-pay will be $550.
2. I call this tool Mr. Bumpy!
3. Has anyone ever told you that you have a very high threshold for pain?
4. Would you like to see your nerve?
5. Your roots are REALLY long.
6. Boy, that was kind of hard.
7. You have very beautiful eyes.

That last one made me throw up a little in my mouth.

After 2 hours in the coal mines, he patched me up and sent me on my way.  Before I left, he told me I need to see my regular dentist next for a crown, which is essentially a fancy slipcover for my weak, sad tooth (my words, not his).

He says the filling he used is temporary, but it should last several weeks.  Maybe a month!

Here's what actually happened:

Awesome.

Also, I received no antibiotics or pain meds, as stated on this form.  Granted, I had no infections or pain.  But still...

On appointment #2, it was time to get measured for my temporary crown.  In my mind, the worst was behind me.  This would be easy peasy!  Like going to the tailor to hem a skirt.

I was super effing wrong.

Here I am, back in my hometown that I love. I took the day off, thinking I might go shopping afterwards.  I flick on the TV and kick back for my "fitting."

Oh, and I also ignored it when they told me this appointment would take an hour and a half.

They must be wrong, I thought... and they were!  It actually took TWO and a half.

This time, 5 disturbing things were said:
1. Good news -- you don't need any novocaine today!
2. Your tooth has no nerve so you won't feel anything when I remove some of the root canal filling and screw in a post.
3. Your gums have grown over a bit, they will need to be shaved down.
4. It's perfectly normal to bleed.  Do not be alarmed.
5. That will be $408.80.

I'm not sure how to explain what happened here.  I think I joined Fight Club.

Except I'm not allowed to talk about Fight Club.  So let's just say it was like Game of Thrones combined with Gladiator combined with all the gory bloodfests ever made in the history of cinema.

Kinda like that. 

Turns out "shaving" my gums meant cutting around all the edges of my tooth like a mom trims the crust off a PB&J sandwich.  

So it hurts. And it bleeds more than you can imagine.

Good thing he did the post and re-building of my tooth first, because after the cutting I rinsed at least a dozen times and it was still bright red.  Like the shower scene from Psycho (if it was actual blood and not chocolate syrup).

I think I even made my dentist nervous.  So he put a solution on my gums to try and stop the bleeding.  

It tasted like pure evil.

Eventually the flow slowed, but it was still fresh on the purple oozy mold he took of my mouth.  And also on the temporary crown he put on my tooth (while dental elves were busy making the real one off my bloody mold).  

Afterwards, my gums felt like raw chopmeat.  I left completely sick to my stomach.  Needless to say, I did not spend the afternoon shopping.

Fast forward to today, appointment #3.  My temporary crown was still firmly in place when I sat down in the chair.

There was NO WAY they were going to pry it loose.  I assumed there would be another solution.

I was wrong.  Again.

On this final visit, 2 disturbing things were said:
1. Let me do it, you're too weak. (said the hygienist to the dentist as she muscled my temp off -- they're married, btw)
2. Let's watch Valerie Bertinelli make a salad.

To be fair, we had Food Network on while we were waiting for the permanent bonding agent to set so my new crown wouldn't fall off.  Or down.  Whatever.  Still, I'll never look at old Val the same again.

So FINALLY, it's over.  Aaaannnd I have a robot tooth.

For anyone who's still reading this (and keeping score), that's:
- 2 days off work
- 5 HOURS and 15 minutes in the dentist's chair
- 6 shots of novocaine (maybe more, I lost track)
- 2 crowns -- one acrylic, one porcelain, zero fit for a queen
- And $958.80 out of pocket -- and I have insurance!


There you have it.  My cautionary tale on why you never, ever, ever, EVER want a root canal.

Now, be safe out there -- make good choices!


tags: gross, health, rants