Dear Verizon,

Remember back in 2011 when I wrote an open letter to Steve Jobs wishing he would allow you to carry the supercool  iPhone?  And remember when my wish came true and you totally stuffed it in AT&T's face?

(You're welcome, by the way.)

And recall, if you will, how I was a complete crazyperson who went online at 3am to order the moment it went on sale? 

Well, on Sept 20th, guess who was online once again at 3am to order the much-anticipated, highly-coveted, all-around-super shiny new toy known as the Gold iPhone 5S?

Me.

Well, Verizon, this time you stink.  Like a giant robot skunk. 

Buying the new gold iPhone from your website was a horrible experience.  And I'm not even talking about the fact that I slept on a loveseat next to my laptop and my wallet with the alarm on my original Verizon Wireless iPhone 4 set to wake me up to the sounds of Marimba at 2:55am. 

That sounds nutz. 

Nor, am I referring to the fact that I was still cozy and groggy at 3am so I was blinded by my laptop because I didn't get up to turn on a light.  No.

Here's why:

1. I was lured in with false promises of discounts.
When you called me TWELVE times a day for the last TWO months and neglected to leave a single message, and stalked me on my cell (once again messageless), AND bombed my inbox with lovenotes were you being coy?  You teased me with visions of $50 discounts.  You used the word "eligible."  And yet, not only did I pay full price, I was somehow charged a $30 network UPGRADE fee.  WTF VZW?

2. The ordering process was designed to trick me.
No way, you say?  Ok, then why did I find myself swept into a promotion that promised I would pay a mere $29 instead of $199?  And I could upgrade to a new phone any time I want?  Sounds good!  But the ridiculously small fine print explains if you take that friendly-sounding deal, you actually pay $29/mo for TWO YEARS, also known as SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.  Why would I spend $700 to save $170?  I might be sleepy, but I'm not stupid.

3. You took away my unlimited data plan.
This was like a poke in the eye.  You hurled all kinds of confusing options at me.  They  had ambiguous names.  And fees.  But you were crystal clear about one thing -- by upgrading I was losing my unlimited data plan.  I guess the $17.1 BILLION you collected on services last quarter alone doesn't cut it. Thanks.

4. You gave me a shipping date, then postponed it.
So I got through all that nonsense and my order was received by 3:18am on 9/20.  I know this because you sent me an email at that exact time, indicating my new phone would ship by 9/24.  I was ok with that.  On 9/24, the only thing I received was another email from you with a delayed shipment notice.  And the new date was THIRTEEN DAYS LATER.  I'm sorry, did you not have enough inventory to fill 18 MINUTES worth of sales?  Who could possibly predict anybody would want this phone?!  Everyone.  This enraged me.

5. Your customer service person laughed when I called to complain.
After several automated prompts, I got to a person.  Somehow with all the technology you have, the account number I entered at the beginning of my call could not make the long journey to the man on the other end of the line.  So I gave it again.  And he pulled up my order.  Then he asked, "Which model did you order, ma'am?" When I told him the gold one, he laughed.  And not a chuckle, or a snort.  It was a belly laugh followed by this, "I call that one Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket.  You're lucky your order even went through.  People ordering now won't get their phones until NOVEMBER."  Comforting that I should feel lucky to spend $250 on a phone that's arriving late.

6. When it finally did come, your installation materials were not helpful.
Somehow it arrived later than scheduled, but earlier than delayed.  Stop playing with my emotions!  Now, here's a tip, marketer to marketer: when you enclose a giant red folder that shouts START HERE on the cover, the top page inside shouldn't be an ad for accessories to go with my new phone.  Maybe next time, follow this urgency with the thing I should actually read -- like the importance of backing up every last speck of my data.

7. THIS ONE'S FOR APPLE: Three words... Not. Gold. Enough.
75% of the back and the edges does not a gold iPhone make.  The minute I pop a case on this baby, it becomes a white phone.  Nobody tells you that.  I hate white phones, which is why I didn't buy one.  Also, it's super annoying that none of my old plugs fit, I dislike iOS7, and my music's all messed up.  But I like the new fingerprint thingy you added.


Ok, I know I'm whining here.  These are high-class problems.  I don't care. 

(Did I mention my diamond shoes are too tight?) 

Seriously, Verizon.  Get it together.

iThank you for not charging my minutes for this time,
Your (Formerly) #1 Verizon iPhone fan


tags: rants, shopping, technology

Me Time

(Note: This is a sponsored post for SheKnows Experts Among Us, but the me time is all my own.)

I'm in serious need of some "me time."

You'd think because I'm single, and I don't have any kids, or a yard to rake, and just the one job, that I'd have sweet, sweet me time coming out my ears. 

But I don't.

What I might REALLY need is a lesson in time management, but that's not the point of this post.  Between work, and travel, and life, and my mildly unhealthy obsession with TV, there simply aren't enough hours in my day. 

I suppose sleeping is the ultimate me time, but I prefer to be conscious when I'm relaxing.

It's going to be a while before I can get lost again in a new Ikea catalogue, so here are 5 more ways I'd like to escape from the everyday: 

Anywhere Me Time: Writing
You might recall, I started this blog in 2008 as a way to get back into writing novels (ok, manuscripts that wish to grow into published novels one day).  But I actually wound up loving blogging for blogging's sake.  A novel is a commitment.  A blog post is a fling.  That's more my speed these days.   

At Home Me Time: Painting My Nails
I should seriously have my head examined for the amount I spend on nail polish.  You might think I was a 13 year old girl, but then you'd quickly realize a 13 year old girl could never earn enough in babysitting money to afford a collection like mine.  It's impossible for me to leave CVS without a new shade (Sally Hansen is my BFF) and don't even get me started about my bi-weekly trips to Sephora (I'm currently cheating on Butter London with Marc Jacobs, shhhhh). I find professional manicures thoroughly uncomfortable, but painting my own fingers and piggies is delightful.

In the Air Me Time: Reading a Magazine
You know what I love about JetBlue, besides the legroom, and the snacks, and the TV?  I love the fact that you can't get wifi.  You know what that means?  Hours of unplugged, uninterrupted time to read my all-time fave, Food Network Magazine, cover to beautiful cover.  It's heaven.  I usually also pick up US and Life & Style (which I hide inside the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly).  While everyone else is busy pretending to turn their electronics off by slipping them into the inexplicably insufficient "airplane mode," I'm lost in a story about the RHONJ because you can't power down a magazine.

Out & About Me Time: Grocery Shopping
I'm an advertiser's dream -- I'm crazy brand loyal and yet can't wait to try all kinds of new products.  If a commercial told me toothpaste was a vegetable, I'd probably believe it.  I prefer to go to the grocery store alone so I can take my time and leave no section unexplored.  It's not as fun here in the city (with the exception of Fairway).  I take my REAL grocery me time in the 'burbs, where the aisles are wide and the prices are low.  Beer, wine, Ensure?  I'll take them all.  You never know...

At Work Me Time: An Afternoon Treat
I'm not a coffee drinker.  Or a smoker (gross).  Or a person with Restless Leg Syndrome who needs to get up every 10 minutes.  So I don't often have an excuse to leave my desk during the day, unless I'm headed to a meeting.  But I actually don't need to get up to get away.  There's a tiny chocolate escape that lives in my desk drawer and calls my name around 4pm.  Can you hear it too?  Right now, I'm pretty partial to Lindt LINDOR Caramel Milk Chocolate Truffles.  They're a smooth and creamy trip for my taste buds.  In fact, I just might have to eat one now.  Ok, two.  Alriiight...maybe three.


So, how do YOU find me time?  List your favorite ways below, and then go do them! 

Unless reading my blog is part of your me time ritual, in which case, please read on.  Who am I to stand between you and sheer literary pleasure?


tags: beauty, food, shopping, travel, writing

Knock on Wood

Yoo hoo!  Remember me?!

It's probably not obvious from my recent showing... but I really DO love to blog.  I love it so much I created 2 others.  One for travel, one for beauty. 

But this random mish-mash of stuff that's happening in my life is my first love.  And it just turned 5.

FIVE!  That's the anniversary for wood!

I love brown things!

Anyway, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012, here's a fond look back:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
230

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
3.2 (down from 3.6 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
245 (up from 142 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
1,071 (up from 853 last year)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever:
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Seven Strikes (May 2009)
Federal Unreserved (February 2011)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Leftovers
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest
Comfort Food in a Storm
Crystal Light Flavor Faceoff
Girls

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
I Am Not a Wen Girl
12
Let's Meet the Pope
7 Dream Jobs

Most Comments (tie):
Another Night at the Roxbury
How the Hell is John Stamos 50?

Most Popular Poll:
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead -- soon I'll update you on why it's a bad idea to buy a gold iPhone at 3am, and it's about time for the Loveseat Potato to make a return appearance.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: writing

How the Hell Is John Stamos 50?

Am I the only person who sits through every Dannon Oikos commercial just to watch this guy?

 

He recently had a birthday, much like someone else I know.  Guess how old he is?

 

FIFTY!!!

How the hell is John Stamos 50?!?  I guess, the same way I'm 40...  Oy.

I was just 9 years old when brooding Blackie burst on the scene in Port Charles and I've been smitten ever since.  I seriously think I've watched every show he's been on -- even the bad ones (Jake in Progress, anyone?).  Now, I'm watching Necessary Roughness just because he joined the cast. 

The show?  So-so.  But Stamos?  Good as ever.

The closest I've ever come to this Greek (yogurt) God was about 10 years ago when my mom and I saw him on Broadway in Cabaret.  Even as the emaciated Emcee he was adorable.  Mischievous.  Charming.  AND, he took a sip from a glass of water on OUR table when he was mingling in the crowd. 

It was like our very own MasterCard commercial.  Priceless.

Anyway, I've always preferred older guys.  Here's my list of celebrity crushes, who coincidentally happen to be over 40.  They're listed in age order, with Stamos on top, because, well... you know...

John Stamos
Age: 50
Sign: Leo
From: California
Height: 6' (thank God!)
Status: single? (call me)
Best role: 2 words... Uncle. Jesse.
Close second: Dr. Tony Gates on ER. 
Stars are people too: he had a job flipping burgers after-school

Jon Hamm
Age: 42
Sign: Pisces
From: Missouri
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Dr. Drew Baird in 30 Rock
Close second: Don Draper in Mad Men
Stars are people too: he played Winnie the Pooh in a first-grade play

Jason Bateman
Age: 44
Sign: Capricorn
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Michael Bluth on Arrested Development
Close second: Derek Taylor on Silver Spoons
Stars are people too: he never graduated high school

Paul Rudd
Age: 44
Sign: Aries
From: New Jersey
Height: 5' 10"
Status: married
Best role: Mike Hannigan in Friends
Close second: Josh in Clueless
Stars are people too: he was a DJ at Bar Mitzvahs

Ed Burns
Age: 45
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Finbar McMullen in Brothers McMullen
Close second: Michael Murphy in Purple Violets
Stars are people too: he owned a Ford Explorer

John Cusack
Age: 47
Sign: Cancer
From: Illinois
Height: 6'2"
Status: single?
Best role: Rob Gordon in High Fidelity
Close second: Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead (thought I'd say Lloyd Dobler, huh?)
Stars are people too: he goes to his high school reunions

Kyle Chandler
Age: 47
Sign: Virgo
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Coach Eric Taylor in Friday Night Lights
Close second: nothing else comes close
Stars are people too: he worked as a nightclub bouncer

Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Age: 47
Sign: Taurus
From: Washington
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Denny Duquette in Gray's Anatomy
Close second: Ike Evans in Magic City
Stars are people too: he's a huge Seahawks fan

Robert Downey Jr.
Age: 48
Sign: Aries
From: New York
Height: 5'8"
Status: married (good thing, I could never date someone this short)
Best role: Larry Paul in Ally McBeal
Close second: Tony Stark in Iron Man
Stars are people too: he tattooed "Suzie Q" on his arm in honor of his wife

Dermot Mulroney
Age: 49
Sign: Scorpio
From: Virginia
Height: 5'9"
Status: married
Best role: Michael O'Neal in My Best Friend's Wedding
Close second: Russell in New Girl
Stars are people too: he graduated from Northwestern

John Slattery
Age: 51
Sign: Leo
From: Massachusetts
Height: 5'10"
Status: married
Best role: Roger Sterling in Mad Men
Close second: Bill Kelley in Sex & the City
Stars are people too: he was one of six kids






Also, honorary cradle-robbing mention goes to these 3 fine fellas:

Jimmy Fallon
Age: 38
Sign:Virgo
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Weekend Update Anchor in Saturday Night Live
Close second: Ben in Fever Pitch
Stars are people too: his first stand-up routine was about Troll Dolls

Bradley Cooper
Age: 38
Sign: Capricorn
From: Pennsylvania
Height: 6'1"
Status: single?
Best role: Will Tippin in Alias
Close second: Phil in The Hangover
Stars are people too: he is fluent in French

Jerry O'Connell
Age: 39
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'2"
Status: married
Best role: Vern Tessio in Stand By Me
Close second: Joe in Joe's Apartment
Stars are people too: he was an RA at NYU






Notice any patterns?   Yes.  Good thing I set the bar low, or I might be single forever. 

Oh, wait...

So, did I get it right with this list of dateable dudes (if only in my mind)?  See anyone I missed?  List YOUR full house below...


tags: dating, entertainment, pop culture

Forty Finally Found Me

Fffffantastic.

As you know, I started the year completely bummed about turning 40. 

40?!?  Yes, 40.  Sigh...

Looking back, I spent most of this year focused (obsessed?) on what I didn't have: a dream job, a husband, kids, a home.  It's not that I wanted to cling to my 30's -- trust me, they were crappy, I'm happy to see them go.

I just wanted to feel like I've accomplished something in 40 years!

The good news is that in the past 8 months, I've been able to cross at least ONE big thing off this wishlist.  It's not the home.  Or the husband.  Or the kids.  (Please, contain your shock).  It's the job.  I got a new one, which I'm totally loving.

Anyway, I chose not to have a big bday bash, in favor of a series of small get-togethers with many of the people I love most.  Maybe even YOU! 

If this birthday month has taught me anything at all, it's that I'm very blessed.

Here's what 40 gave to me:

• 11 mini-celebrations with family, new friends, and old friends who feel like family
• 4 more parties to go
• 7 little munchkins who have brought more joy to my life than I ever thought possible
• 5 surprise greetings that made my day
• 4 gorgeous pieces of jewelry
• 3 bouquets of pretty flowers
• 2 homemade cards from the cutiepies pictured above
• 1 show with a Broadway legend and a best friend
• 1 friendship bracelet from my favorite almost 10-year old
• 1 birthday greeting from a Chase ATM (honestly, that one was weird)
• 1 very special bag named Louis, a gift I gave to myself

I'm not sure what the next decade holds, other than an invitation from AARP, but with every candle I blew out, my wish was the same. 

You know the drill...

Here's what I now believe: every wrinkle is a smile, every gray hair reminds me I'm too smart to make the same mistakes twice, and every extra pound is a great meal shared with someone I love.

I'm a lucky girl.  A thousand thanks for making my birthday happy!

xoxo


tags: holidays

Woohoo, My Ikea Catolog Is Here!

Guess what was in my mailbox tonight?

The 2014 Ikea catalogue!!

Well, happy early birthday to me.  There's nothing better than snuggling up on my couch for some me-time with my old Swedish pal.

Ok, ok, there are SOME things that are better.  But this is up there.

I read someplace that each year Ikea prints 3x more copies of their catalogue than there are copies of the Bible on the PLANET, so chances are you have one too.

Lucky us!
 
I wish I could crawl into the pages and take a nap.  I can't wait to see what Ektorp, Hemnes, Billy, Ingolf, and Lack have been up to.  I wonder what unpronounceable names Ikea will introduce me to this year? 

Sure, their tiny meatballs freak me out.  But don't think there aren't days when I'm schlepping my groceries home from Fairway that I wouldn't kill for one of Ikea's giant blue & yellow plastic totebags.

I think they get a bad rap (much like my beloved Jersey).  There's this idea that because the furniture is cheap, it's also crappy.  I disagree. 

All my living room furniture is from the (discontinued -- sniff, sniff) Markor collection.  It's super heavy & made of actual wood.  At least I think it's actual wood.  Anyway, I've had it for about 10 years.  It's been through about 5 moves and it's still looking great. 

Plus I like having the satisfaction that I built my own furniture -- like an urban Paul Bunyan.  Or some other pioneer-type lumberjack.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to order a chandelier that looks like Sputnik. 

While you wait for YOUR catalogue, please enjoy this video:


 


Isn't Ikea the best?!  No?  Huh. 

Name ONE thing better below...


tags: city life, shopping

Another Night at The Roxbury

Four years ago, I visited two dear friends who built a motel in the Catskills.  I've been wanting to go back ever since.  And a week ago, I finally did. 

To call The Roxbury a motel, hotel, resort, inn, or lodge doesn't do it justice. 

Really, it's an experience.

Remember that place you stayed that you thought was super cool?  This is super cooler. 

The best destinations are always innovating.  Go to Las Vegas or Times Square or Disney World and it's different every time you visit.  The same thing happens at The Roxbury. 

Every square inch has been given purpose.  Every corner reveals a new surprise.  Every sense is invited to the party. 

You could seriously spend a month there and have a different experience every single night.  I'm totally temped to do that so I can indulge my alter egos.  Sweet as pie like Maryann from Gilligan's Island one night.  Kickass 70's glam like Charlie's Angels the next. 

This time, I went for the newest jewel in The Roxbury crown -- The Digs.  It's a standalone 3-bedroom cottage that is a tribute to adventure movies, complete with a legend, a curse, secret passageways, an underwater tomb, and more golden artifacts than you can shake a whip at.

I should warn you first -- most of my pics stink.  The best way to appreciate this masterpiece is to book a trip.  Seriously.  Go ahead. 

I'll wait...

Ok, good. 

Now, ditch your fear of snakes (there's only alligators and deadly fish here), don't call me junior, and grab your bomber jacket.  It's going to be a wild ride...



The adventure starts with Avis.  They really do try harder. 
Like when they give you a Mustang for the price of a Ford Focus. 

Enjoy the 3 hour trip while listening to Taylor "I Knew You Were Trouble" Swift on repeat.
Just like Indy would.  Remind yourself that the green stuff you see is called trees and grass.

You arrive.  This whole place is yours. 
You marvel how your entire apartment can fit on the deck.

Hello, Sphinx.

You won't believe what's behind this psychedelic door.

Beware of the giant boulder chasing you down the hallway.
The snake wallpaper was designed by Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo fame. 
You whip it good in his honor.

You escape into hidden passageway #1, which holds a Mayan Calendar and a Murphy bed. 
What more could you want when the world ends?

You study up on the legend of The Digs.

Settle into the cozy living room, filled with treasures.  What you can't quite see over the fireplace is
a giant television, which is programmed to play mood music when you arrive. 
Or maybe that was just for me, because I don't worship golden idols.  I worship TV.

This is somebody else's photo, but I couldn't resist using it.  The fireplace is gorgeous.
And filled with gold coins.

Ok, I can't wait any longer -- THIS is the best part of the adventure.  Your very own exotic fishtank!
I'm not showing you who's inside until later...

You look up and realize every nook and cranny of this place has the most amazing details.
Tucked away on the left is a special idol that sits under a skylight so it glows from sunrise to sunset.

You notice the masks on the wall and feel like somebody's watching you. 
Inside hidden passageway #2, maybe they are!

The bright sunlight ruins your picture of the gourmet kitchen, but you can still see it's beautiful.
You are so in love with all the counterspace this kitchen has that you are tempted to lay on it.
But you don't.

Your journey has made you parched, so you stop for a sip of your enemy's blood.
From a crystal skull.

You wander into the hallway, lined with books from floor to ceiling.

You can access about 5 different rooms in the secret library hallway. 
Pulling on the right books open the doors.  Just like in Scooby Doo!



Remember that fishtank from the living room?  You can see it from the bathroom too! 
You pass out from excitement.

When you come to, you see Cleopatra's sarcophagus under water, protected by exotic fish. 
The lionfishes are pretty. 
This puffy one in the front has creepy teeth and stares at you while you shower.
 

You paint your nails in tribute to the gold tiles that line the shower.
Then you have a midnight photo shoot to celebrate how well they match.

 

You are spoiled by all the luxurious bath products.  Even better are the ceramic hairdryer and gigantic bath sheets. 
While this is an adventure, you are very pleased you don't have to get all MacGuyver
with a bathmat, washcloth, and hairband to patch together enough towel to wrap around your body.

 

The photo you take of this room looks like a giant brown blob.  So you pull one off the Internet
so every inch of this brown leather masterpiece, including the handmade bullwhip canopy, can be appreciated.

 

You lose your head and forget to take more pictures of the second bathroom, which is lined
from floor to ceiling with crocodile and alligator skins. And you realize you don't know
the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.

You accidentally delete the photo you took of the most beautiful bed you've ever seen.  Thank God for Google. 
You can't tell if you feel like you're floating down the Nile because the bed was almost lost
in a tsunami on the way to the Roxbury or because the bedding is fluffy like a cloud. 
Either way, it's the best night's sleep you've had in a year.

Hello, pretty lady.

You're surprised that a chair this beautiful can also be comfortable.

You peek your head outside to your own private grotto and outdoor shower. 
You are tempted to shower again.

You discover a romantic sitting area outside the grotto.  You make a mental note that if you
ever have a boyfriend again, you'll take him here.  Until then, you name the statue on the table Chuck.

You follow the path down to a babbling brook and think that the true adventure would be if you
pretended to check-out then secretly moved into the barn...

Are your bags packed yet?  Which room would YOU stay in -- Cleopatra with the golden sleighbed, Indy with the bullwhips overhead, or the Mayan temple hideaway bed? 

Choose your own adventure below...
 

tags: travel