Elf on the Shelf Is My Homie

Newsflash: It's Christmas and Elf on the Shelf is genius.

Okaaaay, I know this isn't news.  But it IS true.

I'm in Florida now at my parents' house with my niece & nephew.  Their elf, Roofie (don't ask), came along for the ride.

Man, I wish I invented this creeper!

The kids believe 1000%. The premise is simple: A stuffed elf sits in your house observing all the nice and naughty things that happen, then he flies to the North Pole each night to give Santa the scoop. When the kids wake up the next day, the elf is in a new spot, and the spying starts again.

Oh, and they can't touch him or all his magic rubs off and children everywhere cry.

Some people complain about this new tradition.  They say it's wrong to spy on kids.  Or to equate good behavior with gifts.  Or to perpetuate the "Santa Lie."

Those people are grinches.

The ONLY acceptable reason to complain about the elf is if you forgot to move him or you ran out of ideas for his merry hi-jinx.  And if that happens to you, do what this mom did and simply break his leg.  Then HE can't fly.  But YOU can still be lazy while also simultaneously tricking your kids into being good.

Win. Win.

While we're on this topic, I'd like to suggest 3 brand new holiday helpers:

DWARF IN A DRAWER

This clever gnome helps you find new-ish gifts around your home for all your last-minute, surprise holiday needs.

To keep you on the right path, he does not judge if you re-gift.

FROSTY IN THE FRIDGE

This icy buddy prevents you from overeating during the holidays and frowns on all midnight snacks, except carrots.

To keep you on the right path, he is in cahoots with your scale and your favorite pair of jeans.

DEER WITH A SCHMEAR

This four-legged fella brings you a bagel every morning in December. Because they are delicious. He is not friends with the fridge guy.

To keep you on the right path, he says nothing because he doesn't have a mouth and the holidays are stressful enough.




Hope your day was magical -- merry everything from a couple of Christmas cuties!

And Roofie...

Tags: family, holidays, pop culture

Tales from Uber

If you haven't heard of Uber by now, you might be living under a rock.

Or maybe you just emerged from a coma?  If so, welcome back! Trump's running for President. Bacon is still delicious.

And Uber is a ride sharing service that was founded in 2009 and has roughly a $60B valuation (more than Ford or GM).  On Christmas Eve 2015, they gave their BILLIONTH ride.  Impressive!

But here's the surest sign it's here to stay: It's become a verb.

I've been "ubering" for about 3 years now. In fact, I snapped this pic the other night on my way home with Victor in his Toyota Camry. (It looks like there's nobody behind the wheel, but he's actually up there -- he was just... tiny.)

With the Uber app, professional drivers, ex-yellow cabbies and regular Joes and Janes come pick you up at the tap of a screen. Chauffeurs aren't just for millionaires anymore! Uber brings that luxury to the masses.

And while there are plenty of Camrys in their fleet, occasionally you get lucky with an Escalade, Suburban, Land Rover, Mercedes, or BMW.  That's nice.

Because nobody feels like a baller getting out of a minivan taxi that stinks like somebody's dinner.

Uber is for the people, by the people. There's no question they've permanently changed the taxi industry. But in order to truly enjoy the experience, you must immediately dismiss the idea that the total stranger who just picked you up is a murderer, kidnapper, drug dealer, pimp, or gun smuggler.  After all, you have their name, photo, license plate, and rating -- that's more than you get with a cab.

And Kalamazoo aside, I don't believe serial killers use apps that track their every move.

In fact, you meet some very cool people behind the wheel. Some drive full time, others just for extra cash.  I met a guy who was the only member of his family to survive the Haiti earthquake and was trying to get himself through medical school.  And the CFO of Steve's Ice Cream who was driving because they weren't pulling paychecks while building their business.  One guy picked me up in a special van -- he was in a wheelchair because he didn't have arms or legs -- and he drove great.  There was a guy in San Francisco who just did this on the way home from work so somebody would pay him to commute.  I even met a guy who kept free hot coffee in the car during the day and cold pizzas on weekend nights so he would get high marks.

I could go on.  Suffice it to say, it's an interesting mix.  But for the past year, I've done something really crazy.

No, no, I'm not driving for Uber (I don't like strangers and I don't have a car...yet). It's that I've taken HUNDREDS of Ubers from Feb 2015 until now.

533, to be exact.

Yes, you read that right.  Five HUNDRED thirty three.

I can feel you judging me.

I know this sounds bananas.

That's more than one a day!

Fact is, I've been commuting from Hoboken to NYC every day, to and from work, with everyone's private driver, Uber.  It started innocently enough... it was winter and I was cold.  I couldn't bear to walk 4 blocks along the river to the PATH trains, and another 4 loooong blocks in the city when I got out.

So I ubered. My office is at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. It took 15 mins vs. the normal 45. I'd be crazy NOT to.

I went back to my normal commute the next day, and they cancelled midtown PATH service to 33rd Street.  Only service to downtown -- World Trade Center -- was working.  This happened probably every 4-6 weeks. And every single time it gave me a panic attack.  All these years later, I still can't be in that building.

So that happened.  And it's exhausting doing flights of stairs and walking long distances now that I have this amazing chronic illness.

Well, that one cold day in February turned to two, then a week, then a month, then... you get it.

I also uber when I'm traveling -- I've used it in 8 cities over the past year.  But only about 15% of the 533 rides was work-related.  The rest of the cars are mine.

You'd think after spending FIVE figures with Uber in a year, they'd send me a muffin basket or something, but NOOOOOOO.

(And I know that sounds outrageously extravagant, but I have very few vices left in life.)

I'm an Uber VIP (obvi), and while there are basically zero tangible benefits to that distinction, I have learned a thing or two about this company.

Take these facts for a spin:

• DRIVERS ARE ALWAYS NEARBY: Uber's driver app includes a heatmap to show them where active accounts are -- the greater the concentration of signals, the better the chance somebody will need a ride. That's why they're rarely more than 10 mins away.
• ALL DRIVERS ARE NOT EQUAL: Uber classifies its drivers in four ways: Pros (Uber Black luxury drivers), Crossovers (professional drivers on Uber for less than 6 months), New Enthusiasts (amateurs who drive with UberX consistently), and Part-Timers (drivers who have another job and just drive UberX occasionally for extra cash). 
• 1 IN 10 DRIVERS ARE LADIES: 14% of Uber drivers are women. The company says they plan to have 1 million female drivers by 2020.
• THE CAR SHOULD BE NEW-ISH: Uber cars must be less than 10 years old and be four-door models. Once a person applies as a driver, a Pro-level driver in the area is asked to inspect the car and go for a test drive with the applicant. All drivers must also be over 21 and have been driving for at least 3 years.
• RATINGS MATTER, SORT OF: Ratings are another form of currency on the Uber platform. But most drivers don't have time to look at a passenger's rating before they accept a ride -- they only have a few seconds to decide before the fare gets passed to another driver. But if a DRIVER'S ratings drop below 4.6 (on a scale of 5), that's no bueno. They could get kicked out of the club -- though after this week, they'll need to receive a warning. If you're curious about your own rating, you can ask a driver or email support@uber.com and they'll tell you.
• THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING: You put in your destination, but the driver doesn't know it until they pick you up. Then GPS takes over (most prefer Waze).
• EVERYONE HATES SURGE PRICING: Except for Uber. Pricing goes up based on an algorithm that estimates demand.  It could be because it's rush hour, or bad weather, or a holiday, or just that it's Friday night but when demand goes up, prices follow. I've seen it skyrocket to as much as 3x the normal price. Uber says it isn’t about gauging riders, its an incentive to get more drivers on the street to cater to the increased demand.  Uh huh.
• YOUR TIP MAY (OR MAY NOT) BE INCLUDED: Because the app is linked to your credit card, a passenger gets in and out without any money changing hands. Drivers keep 80 percent of that fare and Uber takes 20 percent. Accepting tips is against Uber policy because they say they've adjusted the time and distance calculations to include a gratuity.  Drivers say otherwise because it isn't a separate line item in their statements. Since I pay a $20 NJ fee to AND from the city (and the toll is only in one direction -- and half the price), that's plenty tip for me.

Uber isn't the only game in town, but it's the best.  Sure, there's Lyft, Via, Sidecar (RIP) and a bunch of others.  But really, who ever lyfted home from work?

Before I ride off, I do have one last confession: After all this time, I'm kinda over Uber.  How can this BE?  I know, it's like saying you're over chocolate, or babies or sunshine.  But spending all this time in OTHER people's cars has made me crave my own.

So, next I'll be car shopping -- I just might be ubering to the dealership.

Do YOU have a tale from Uber?  Share it below...


tags: pop culture, technology, travel

Farewell, Crawleys

The Downton Abbey finale airs tonight.

You watch, right?  Don't tell me if you don't.

It has only been the most popular PBS drama of all time. When the finale aired across the pond at Christmas, it broke all records there too. It also has more Emmy nominations than any other international TV series ever. Show merchandise has made more than a quarter BILLION dollars.  They even sell Downton Abbey tea in the grocery store in my building.

Golly!

Eventually, we'll find another show to obsess over. After all, I'm totally over MadMen. But I'm certain there will never again be anything like a sisterly smackdown from Lady Mary Crawley.

It was fun to be fancy on Sunday nights! I was on the edge of my seat for the dangerous liasons of poor, dead Mr. Pamuk, and I swooned over Cousin Matthew's snowy proposal to Lady Mary, and I cried when Lady Edith (the original Jan Brady) was left at the altar and was psyched to see her become an accidental feminist, and I stood in solidarity with the downstairs staff to #FreeJohnBates.

But there's nothing I've enjoyed more than a zinger from the Dowager Countess.

So, for the finale, I'd like to pay tribute to Dame Maggie Smith (and Julian Fellowes who wrote EVERY SINGLE EPISODE) and thank them for a witty and wonderful 6 seasons:

Violet Crawley on the invention of electricity:
“I couldn’t have electricity in the house. I couldn’t sleep a wink. All those vapors seeping about.” (Season 1)

On the telephone:
“Is this an instrument of communication or torture?” (Season 1)

On the Industrial Revolution:
"First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if I were living in an H.G. Wells novel." (Season 1)

On the joys of being a mother:
"One forgets about parenthood. The on-and-on-ness of it." (Season 3)

On love:
"I'm not a romantic, but even I concede that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose to pump blood." (Season 2)

On friendships:
"There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test." (Season 5)

On houseguests:
”No guest should be admitted without the date of their departure settled.” (Season 3)

On the general public:
"The presence of strangers is the only guarantee of good behavior." (Season 5)

On deep thoughts:
"All this endless thinking. It's very overrated... I blame the war. Before 1914 nobody thought about anything at all." (Season 5)

On the great outdoors:
"That is the thing about nature, there's so *much* of it." (Season 3)

On hearing jazz for the first time:
"Do you think that any of them know what the others are playing?" (Season 4)

On her granddaughter Lady Mary's new haircut:
"Oh, it is you! I thought it was a man in your clothes." (Season 5)

On her granddaughter Lady Edith's engagement to Sir Anthony Strallan:
”At my age, one must ration one’s excitement.” (Season 3)

On her granddaughter Lady Sybil's rebellious nature:
"Vulgarity is no substitute for wit." (Season 3)

On her son Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, wearing a tuxedo to dinner:
“Do you think I might have a drink? Oh, I’m so sorry – I thought you were a waiter.” (Season 3)

On her daughter-in-law Cora's American mother, Martha Levinson:
“I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”  (Season 3)

On her grandson-in-law Matthew Crawley looking for a break from his job:
"What is a weekend?" (Season 1)

On her grandson-in-law Tom Branson's transition to the upstairs world:
"I'm afraid Tom's small talk is very small indeed!" (Season 4)

On her cousin Isobel Crawley's moral highground:
“I wonder your halo doesn’t grow heavy. It must be like wearing a tiara around the clock.” (Season 4)

On discussing financing a hospital with Cousin Isobel:
"Oh good, let's talk about money." (Season 1)

On servants being human beings too:
"Preferably only on their days off." (Season 5)

On her fellow countrymen:
"What makes the English the way we are? Some say our history, but I blame the weather." (Season 6)

On Sir Anthony Strallan's look at the altar before jilting Lady Edith:
"He looks as though he's waiting for a beating from the headmaster." (Season 3)

On whether a fire in a neighboring castle was a tragedy:
"Well, rather yes and no, that house *was* hideous... of course that is no excuse." (Season 3)

On a heated exchange between Robert and rabble-rouser/dinner guest, Miss Sarah Bunting:
"Principles are like prayers; noble, of course, but awkward at a party." (Season 5)

On the untimely death of Turkish diplomat Kemal Pamuk in a bedroom of Downton Abbey:
“Last night, he looked so well. Of course it would happen to a foreigner. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.” (Season 1)


How fitting for the British to quit while they're ahead.  No growing long in the tooth for the upstairs and downstairs of Downton.  It would be bad form.

Farewell, my stuffy old friends!

PS: If you've very sad when the show ends, check this out.  It will cheer you up. Here's a peek:

tags: entertainment, pop culture

Grease Is the Word

I know I'm superlate with my first post of 2016.

A bunch of stuff happened since my last one --  I stuck my toes in the sand at Clearwater Beach, I binged on Making a Murderer like the rest of America, I went to Google's offices, and I got stuck in LA thanks to snowstorm Jonas. But tonight, I'm finally feeling inspired by the most amazing thing to happen all year.

I'm speaking, of course, of Grease Live.

Is there anything better on the planet than Grease?  If there is, I don't know it.  My love affair with the gang from Rydell High started at the ripe age of 5.  I had a red record player and Grease (double album set) was on repeat.

Sure, I didn't understand most of it.  When Kenickie talked about his 25 cent insurance policy, I fully thought he was talking about his car.  And the hickie he gave Rizzo, I heard it as "pinkie" -- as in pinkie swear.  I also thought Danny Zuko had "shoes" that were multiplying.

It wasn't until I was in college that I understood how suggestive the lyrics actually are.

And now the kids will be all confused again because they scrubbed Greased Lightnin' up for TV so the chicks will "scream." And they're building a "dream" wagon.

Yeah, that's it.

Oddly, they left, "Did she put up a fight?" in Summer Nights. Eh, whatevs, I always thought it was, "Did she tell me I'm right?" anyway.

Fitting...

So, I've seen this movie at least 100 times. Every time it's on, I get sucked in. Every. Single. Time. I even own Grease 2 without a trace of irony.  Cool Rider is the shit.

(FOX, you listening?  You're waaaay better at these live musicals than NBC. G2 next, mkay?)

As I type this, my mom and I are watching this extravaganza together on the phone -- she's in FL and I'm in NJ.  I've been waiting for MONTHS to see this -- I even Greased Myself.  I might be the most annoying person in the world to watch Grease with because I play along with every line, song, and move.

I was born to hand jive.

Incidentally, I may never recover that the sound went out while Joe Jonas was doing his best Sha-Na-Na doing their best Johnny Casino & the Gamblers.  But Jan Brady in here as Mrs. Murdock makes it all better.

And here's a tasty bit of trivia: You know that Danny Meyer burger chain we all go crazy for?  Shake Shack?  Named after the ride in Grease.

True story.

So, Beauty School Dropouts, I can't be the only superfan. Channel your inner Pink Lady or T-Bird below!



tags: entertainment, pop culture, polls

The End of an Era

The ashtrays are empty.  The ice cubes have melted.

Mad Men is over.

I still remember bingeing on the first season. I had a DVD set that was packaged like a metal Zippo flip-top lighter. I lost that in a breakup. How fitting...

For better or worse, this has always been Don Draper's story -- it's his world and everyone else was just living in it. Quick to turn a phrase. A chameleon. Ageless. Timeless. Shameless. Suave. Unpredictable. Addicted. A lady-killer. 

Dangerous. 

I've long thought that they've always told us how this would end.  That free-fall through Madison Ave in the opening credits is symbolic, I think, of how the show started with Don at the ultimate high.  He had it all.  On the surface, anyway.  Then season by season, show by show, they chipped away at his perfect exterior.

His career, relationships, and sanity unraveled amidst the pretty pictures.

Would he kill himself? Or put an end to the larger-than-life Don Draper and become someone new? Or go back to being insignificant Dick Whitman?

Now that I've seen the finale, I think I wasn't totally off base. He's definitely having a massive identity crisis and the Don Draper we've known for 7 seasons ceases to exist.  Though, a big part of me wishes that he was inspired by that hippie retreat, went back to the ad game, and made that iconic multi-culti mountaintop "I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke" commercial for McCann.

I guess the truth lies somewhere inbetween.

But one thing is crystal clear: Tonight proved that the show has been as much about Peggy as it has been about Don. It's his healthiest (only?) relationship.

I loved her getting together with Stan too, but if you think about it, Peggy & Don are the central couple here. They had many special moments together, from the time he visited her in the hospital after she gave her baby away ("It will shock you how much it never happened"), to the day when they slow-danced to Sinatra in the office ("I worry about a lot of things, but I don't worry about you"), to tonight with that heartbreaking collect call ("I messed everything up, I'm not the man you think I am").

He never put the moves on her. He's been a confidant. A mentor. A truth-cannon. She makes him... human.  

Maybe the only other person he ever felt loyal to was Roger Sterling.  He's hands-down my favorite character. He was the coolest. He stole every scene. Roger never disappoints.

John Slattery isn't bad either.

I feel satisfied -- mostly -- with this finale (NOT like the Sopranos, I'm still bitter about that).  Since this has always been a show about the power of words, I'll end with a tribute to the 6 main characters using the lines written for them.

Here are my favorite quotes:

• Roger "Not One For Subtlety" Sterling: "I gotta go learn a bunch of people's names before I fire them." (from: Long Weekend, Season 4)

• Peggy "The Accidental Feminist" Olson: "The University Club said the only way I could eat dinner there is if I arrived in a cake." (from: The Beautiful Girls, Season 4)

• Joan "Smarter Than Her Boobs Look" Holloway Harris: "One minute you're on the top of the world, the next minute some secretary's running you over with a lawnmower." (from: My Old Kentucky Home, Season 3)

• Pete "The Charlie Brown of Madison Ave" Campbell: "Don't act like you had a plan. You're Tarzan, swinging from vine to vine." (from: Basket of Kisses, Season 6)

• Betty "Denial Isn't Just a River in Egypt" Draper Francis: "That poor girl. She doesn't know that loving you is the worst way to get to you." (from: The Better Half, Season 6)

• Don "A Marketer After My Own Heart" Draper: "What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons." (from: Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, Season 1) and "People tell you who they are, but we ignore it -- because we want them to be who we want them to be." (from: The Summer Man, Season 4)

Anybody need a hug?

And anybody hope for a spinoff Three's Company-style with Peggy, Stan, and Joan?  I can see the shag carpet now.  Plus, his hair toss is EVERYTHING.

Or maybe that's just me.

What did YOU think of the finale?  Pitch me your ideas below... bonus points if you do it in Pig Latin.


tags: entertainment, pop culture

My 5 Favorite Beatles Songs

I just got back from a whirlwind tour for the last 3 weeks.

I hit Del Boca Vista, then Scottsdale, then back to Del Boca.  As I was walking through JFK yesterday on my way home, I saw a news bulletin about a few famous fellows who arrived at JFK exactly 50 years earlier.

The Beatles!

There was similar fanfare when I arrived. 

Beatlemania was before my time (I'm old but I'm not THAT old). From what I gather, they were bigger than Jesus.

Paul has always been my fave of the Fab Four. Ringo was too goofy, George was too serious, and John was too trippy for me. Paul seemed like a sensible choice.

What do you know? Most of the Beatles songs I like best were sung (sang? singed?) by Sir Paul. Here's my top 5:

Eleanor Rigby from Revolver (1966)
Why I like it: In 8th grade music class we learned to play this tragic song on a guitar.  Beatles, both alive and dead, rolled over in their graves that day but I bet Eleanor liked it.
Lead vocals: Paul McCartney
Fun fact: She was originally called Miss Daisy Hawkins.

All You Need Is Love from Magical Mystery Tour (1967)
Why I like it: It's used in one of the best scenes of one of my favorite movies of all time, Love Actually. Plus it came out on my mom's bday.
Lead vocals: John Lennon
Fun fact: The song starts with the French national anthem, La Marseillaise.

Yesterday from Help! (1965)
Why I like it: If this song doesn't choke you up, just a little bit, you are dead inside.
Lead vocals: Paul McCartney
Fun fact: McCartney composed the whole melody in a dream at his girlfriend's house, and it was called Scrambled Eggs before it had a title.

Helter Skelter from The White Album (1968)
Why I like it: This one makes the list because of U2's cover on Rattle & Hum -- they're MY fab 4.
Lead vocals: Paul McCartney
Fun fact: The Who was the inspiration for Paul writing this rowdy song, it was later adopted as an anthem by Charles Manson

Get Back from Let it Be (1970)
Why I like it: When I was a kid I thought Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman, not a loner. Still makes me laugh when I hear this song.
Lead vocals: Paul McCartney
Fun fact: Paul looked at Yoko Ono in the studio when he sang, "Get back to where you once belonged."

poll by twiigs.com

The Beatles released 217 songs -- list YOUR favorites below!


tags: music, polls, pop culture

Jingle All the Way

Last Friday, I finally awoke from a triptophan coma (gobble, gobble) to attend Jingle Ball, a 4-hour Christmas concert sponsored by I Heart Radio and Z-100.

If you ever want to feel old, go to a radio station concert meant for tweens.  If you ever want to feel young, buy a beer at MSG -- they still card, even at my advanced age.

Bless their hearts.

I was there with one of my best buds, we can have fun anyplace.  The evening was a smorgasbord of celebrities (Katie Holmes, Anna Kendrick, Ryan Seacrest), random rockstars (Enrique Iglesias, Fall Out Boy, Selena Gomez, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis), and desperate attention seekers (Lindsay Lohan).

Plus, the tix were free.  What's not to love?

Here are the highlights:

Happiest to Be Alive: Pitbull

This guy loves life.  And why shouldn't he?  Looking all dapper in a black suit and dress shirt that didn't show any of the sweat that was beading up on his bald head, he hosted a hottie hoedown with dancing girls in denim cutoffs and cowboy boots.  His set was a total party -- def my fave act of the night.
Best Song: Timber

Biggest Realization: Robin Thicke

I was psyched to hear Blurred Lines.  And it was good!  Then I realized I don't care about any of his other songs (except When I Get You Alone).  It was nice that he played the piano.  And he actually sang.  And I appreciated that he dressed up in a leopard jacket.  But one fact remained: I don't care about any of his other songs.
Best Song: what do you think?

Worst Lip Syncher: Austin Mahone

I knew I was out of my element when Jordin Sparks called all the "Mahomeys in the house."  I'm sorry... the WHO?  A man-child bounced out with an iridescent silver suit and Bieber's hairdo.  Then he began to sing.  And by sing, I mean forget to move his mouth because he was too busy looking like a dancing teenage Tin Man.  And so, we started taking selfies to pass the time until the next act came on.
Best Song: Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Stinky poo-poo.

Coolest Band: Paramore

Lead singer, Hayley Williams, just seems awesome.  But during Misery Business, she plucked a fan from the audience (Brian), brought him up onstage, and handed him the mic to sing the chorus.  She totally made his life -- and a great moment in the show.
Best Song: Still Into You

Most Criminal Remake: Ariana Grande

Apparently this doe-eyed Disney princess has been dubbed "Little Mariah."  But the Supreme Queen of All Christmas Songs must be weeping over the aggravated assault committed against Wham!  Ariana gave Last Christmas a whiny beat-down.  Geez, what did George Michael ever do to YOU?
Best Song: I have no clue what any of her songs are called.

Hardest Act to Follow: Miley Cyrus

The star of the show was Miley "Hanna Montana Is Dead" Cyrus.  Good thing she went last.  Let's start with the outfit: I'm pretty sure Mrs Claus bedazzled Jane Fonda's aerobics suit from 1982 and Miley bought it in a yard sale.  Then she spent her time onstage grinding on a drunk hobo Santa, a sexy little person, and a drag queen dressed like a Christmas tree.  She's a mess.  But boy, can that girl sing!
Best Song: Wrecking Ball



What songs put YOU in the holiday spirit?  Serenade me below...


tags: holidays, music, pop culture

How the Hell Is John Stamos 50?

Am I the only person who sits through every Dannon Oikos commercial just to watch this guy?

 

He recently had a birthday, much like someone else I know.  Guess how old he is?

 

FIFTY!!!

How the hell is John Stamos 50?!?  I guess, the same way I'm 40...  Oy.

I was just 9 years old when brooding Blackie burst on the scene in Port Charles and I've been smitten ever since.  I seriously think I've watched every show he's been on -- even the bad ones (Jake in Progress, anyone?).  Now, I'm watching Necessary Roughness just because he joined the cast. 

The show?  So-so.  But Stamos?  Good as ever.

The closest I've ever come to this Greek (yogurt) God was about 10 years ago when my mom and I saw him on Broadway in Cabaret.  Even as the emaciated Emcee he was adorable.  Mischievous.  Charming.  AND, he took a sip from a glass of water on OUR table when he was mingling in the crowd. 

It was like our very own MasterCard commercial.  Priceless.

Anyway, I've always preferred older guys.  Here's my list of celebrity crushes, who coincidentally happen to be over 40.  They're listed in age order, with Stamos on top, because, well... you know...

John Stamos
Age: 50
Sign: Leo
From: California
Height: 6' (thank God!)
Status: single? (call me)
Best role: 2 words... Uncle. Jesse.
Close second: Dr. Tony Gates on ER. 
Stars are people too: he had a job flipping burgers after-school

Jon Hamm
Age: 42
Sign: Pisces
From: Missouri
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Dr. Drew Baird in 30 Rock
Close second: Don Draper in Mad Men
Stars are people too: he played Winnie the Pooh in a first-grade play

Jason Bateman
Age: 44
Sign: Capricorn
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Michael Bluth on Arrested Development
Close second: Derek Taylor on Silver Spoons
Stars are people too: he never graduated high school

Paul Rudd
Age: 44
Sign: Aries
From: New Jersey
Height: 5' 10"
Status: married
Best role: Mike Hannigan in Friends
Close second: Josh in Clueless
Stars are people too: he was a DJ at Bar Mitzvahs

Ed Burns
Age: 45
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Finbar McMullen in Brothers McMullen
Close second: Michael Murphy in Purple Violets
Stars are people too: he owned a Ford Explorer

John Cusack
Age: 47
Sign: Cancer
From: Illinois
Height: 6'2"
Status: single?
Best role: Rob Gordon in High Fidelity
Close second: Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead (thought I'd say Lloyd Dobler, huh?)
Stars are people too: he goes to his high school reunions

Kyle Chandler
Age: 47
Sign: Virgo
From: New York
Height: 6'1"
Status: married
Best role: Coach Eric Taylor in Friday Night Lights
Close second: nothing else comes close
Stars are people too: he worked as a nightclub bouncer

Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Age: 47
Sign: Taurus
From: Washington
Height: 6'2"
Status: in a relationship
Best role: Denny Duquette in Gray's Anatomy
Close second: Ike Evans in Magic City
Stars are people too: he's a huge Seahawks fan

Robert Downey Jr.
Age: 48
Sign: Aries
From: New York
Height: 5'8"
Status: married (good thing, I could never date someone this short)
Best role: Larry Paul in Ally McBeal
Close second: Tony Stark in Iron Man
Stars are people too: he tattooed "Suzie Q" on his arm in honor of his wife

Dermot Mulroney
Age: 49
Sign: Scorpio
From: Virginia
Height: 5'9"
Status: married
Best role: Michael O'Neal in My Best Friend's Wedding
Close second: Russell in New Girl
Stars are people too: he graduated from Northwestern

John Slattery
Age: 51
Sign: Leo
From: Massachusetts
Height: 5'10"
Status: married
Best role: Roger Sterling in Mad Men
Close second: Bill Kelley in Sex & the City
Stars are people too: he was one of six kids






Also, honorary cradle-robbing mention goes to these 3 fine fellas:

Jimmy Fallon
Age: 38
Sign:Virgo
From: New York
Height: 5'11"
Status: married
Best role: Weekend Update Anchor in Saturday Night Live
Close second: Ben in Fever Pitch
Stars are people too: his first stand-up routine was about Troll Dolls

Bradley Cooper
Age: 38
Sign: Capricorn
From: Pennsylvania
Height: 6'1"
Status: single?
Best role: Will Tippin in Alias
Close second: Phil in The Hangover
Stars are people too: he is fluent in French

Jerry O'Connell
Age: 39
Sign: Aquarius
From: New York
Height: 6'2"
Status: married
Best role: Vern Tessio in Stand By Me
Close second: Joe in Joe's Apartment
Stars are people too: he was an RA at NYU






Notice any patterns?   Yes.  Good thing I set the bar low, or I might be single forever. 

Oh, wait...

So, did I get it right with this list of dateable dudes (if only in my mind)?  See anyone I missed?  List YOUR full house below...


tags: dating, entertainment, pop culture

12

Sure, the apocalypse (as evidenced NOT by the Mayan calendar, but by the lack of Twinkies on my grocery store shelf), Christmas, and the dreaded fiscal cliff are all right around the corner, but I only have my eyes on one date.

12.12.12

A repetitive date like this won't happen again until January 1, 3001 and [um... SPOILER ALERT] none of us will be around to see that. 

So, it's a special day!  And 12 is a special number.  It's everywhere. 

12 months in a year.  12 hours of the day and night.  12 inches in a foot.  12 astrological signs (or is it 13?).  12 days of Christmas.  12 apostles.  12 angry men. 

But more than anything, when I think of the number 12, a funkadelic little ditty from childhood pops to mind. 

Listening to this, I can remember being home from nursery school, in pigtails and Garanimals, sitting in my Jenny chair at my little blue table while munching on a delicious (really?!) cream cheese and grape jelly sandwich. 

And grooving to the sweet, sweet sounds of Sesame Street.  Ah, the 70's.  Enjoy...





What's YOUR favorite 12?  And was today once in a lifetime or just another Wednesday?

Count the ways below...


tags: holidays, music, pop culture

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest

I wish I'd invented Pinterest.

I've always considered myself a pretty creative person.  And for as long as I can remember, I've clipped craft ideas and recipes from magazines, which I dip into periodically for inspiration (or I flat-out copy).

Then, along came this amazing little social network.

I first learned of it about 2 years ago, shortly after it launched, when I worked at Brides -- it's perfect to gather wedding ideas.  But I really embraced it about a year ago as a place to keep favorite recipes.  Next thing I know, I have more than 1,500 saved.

No wonder I can't fit in my pants!

Pinterest's mission is simple: connect people with things they find interesting. 

You pin (or re-pin) photos to virtual bulletin boards that you create around any theme, with a link back to the source so when you want to cook that great recipe or make that cool craft, you know how it's done. 

So, pin + interest = Pinterest.  And with more than 10 million registered members, clearly, they're on to something.

In my mind, there are 3 things that distinguish this site from other social networks:

1. It's primarily female -- when you think of most networks, particularly in their early stages, they are typically dominated by men.
2. You often interact with people you don't know -- most social networks connect you with people you already know.  You can do that here too, but I'm always introduced to new ideas from people I've never met.
3. Your pins have longevity -- the shelf life of a single Facebook post is about a day.  Twitter?  Maybe an hour.  On Pinterest, people regularly re-pin photos that are a month or even a year old.  A good idea is a good idea.

Speaking of ideas, here are a few I've tried -- the image on the left is the original pinspiration, the one on the right is what I actually made.

There were some hits and some misses...

#1 RECYCLED CRYSTAL LIGHT CONTAINERS 

Why this pin?: 

I had a ton of leftover containers from our Crystal Light taste test, and it's that time of year again when I get a card slipped under my door with the names of 18 guys who work in my apt building.  I wish I could give them all cash, but kisses (of the chocolate variety) will have to do.

Materials needed:

Crystal Light containers (I used the large ones here), bags of wrapped candy (I used a Hershey's Kiss medley -- milk chocolate, milk chocolate with almonds, and the festive white chocolate candy cane), small bows, ribbon, and gift tags.  Note: 1 large container holds 57 kisses.

Cost:

If you don't count the containers, it's about $4 each.

Verdict:

A hit.  Unless you are one of the guys who work in my building.  They prob would have preferred cash.

#2: GLITTER ORNAMENT


 

Why this pin?:

It's Christmas!  I've made ornaments before and knew this one would be easy.  The key here is to apply the glitter inside the ornament rather than on the outside.  Much neater that way.

Materials needed:

Clear ornaments (easy to find at Michael's), spray adhesive, and glitter (I used Martha Stewart in turquoise).

Cost:

About $1 per ornament.

Verdict:

A hit.  I love sparkly things. 

#3 S'MORES COOKIE BARS

  

Why this pin?:
My sister-in-law made these for a Superbowl party last year and it took all my energy not to eat the whole tray.  I HAD to try to make them myself (so I could eat the whole tray).  Then I remembered, I'm a horrible baker.

Materials needed:
Pyrex dish, butter, brown sugar, regular sugar, egg, vanilla extract, flour, graham cracker crumbs (you can buy them already crumbly from Honey Maid, you don't have to smash your own), baking powder, salt, large chocolate bars (Hershey's) and marshmallow cream (Fluff).

Cost:
I think the ingredients for this cost me about $25 but that's here in NYC grocery stores with their minibar prices.  Don't let that scare you.

Verdict:
Mixed.  True to s'mores form, they look messy, but they tasted pretty good.  Not as good as when my sister-in-law made them, because she actually can bake!



#4: OMBRE NAILS

Why this pin?:

It looks like such fun to paint all your nails a different shade!  Then you do it.  And you quickly realize you have giant clown hands that you probably can't wear to work.  So you paint all your nails the same color as your pinkie and forget it ever happened.  Or maybe that's just me.

Materials needed:

5 nail polishes ranging from light to dark in the same shade (from thumb to pinkie, I used Essie in Baby's Breath, Essie in Charmeuse, Essie in Splash of Grenadine, Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure in Back to the Fuchsia, and Essie in Bermuda Shorts).

Cost:
$0.  I have a bazillion nail polishes, so I didn't have to buy these.  If you did, the cost for 5 could range between $10 - $50 depending on what kind of polish you like.  Or you could probably just get a manicure and ask for this to get it out of your system.  Just make sure you don't have any big meetings that week.  (Seriously, clown hands.)

Verdict:
A miss.  This seemed like a better idea than it actually was.  And I just about passed out from the fumes of 5 bottles of polish open simultaneously.
 

#5 MAGNETIC MAKEUP BOARD

Why this pin?:

I have very little counter space in my teeny weeny bathroom.  So I have tons of makeup that I never use. The bag I keep in my purse only holds a couple things -- a blush, mascara, and a bunch of lip glosses.  That's it.  I thought this would get me to use all the other stuff I've bought thanks to my Sephora addiction, because I could actually SEE what I've got.

Materials needed:

A metal board and containers (I got mine at the aptly titled Container Store -- this is a desk set that I converted into a makeup board), and adhesive magnet strips (also from the Container Store) to stick to the back of all your makeup.

Cost:
This was about $45 (not including the cost of all the makeup -- I don't even want to think about how much I've spent on THAT!).  But since it doubles as art for my bathroom wall, I'm ok with it.

Verdict:
A hit.  People who see it think I'm clever.  And, really, isn't that the point of Pinterest in the first place?

While we're on this topic, here's a collection of my most popular pins -- I think I haven't really inspired people so much as I have reminded them how great the 80s were.  

I'm ok with that.

My 5 Most Popular Pins:

Wonder Woman Underoos

Re-pins: 897
Likes: 175
Comments: 32

Why this pin?:
I loved her so much I wore my WW bathing suit as a Halloween costume one year.  My mom even made me tin foil cuffs.  I would have worn these outside too, but... they're underwear and people generally frown on that.

Fraggle Rock

Re-pins: 713

Likes: 111

Comments: 1

Why this pin?:
Gobo, Mokey, Wembley, Boober, and Red.  Simple as that.

Dynamite Magazine & Rick Springfield

Re-pins: 284
Likes: 42
Comments: 12

Why this pin?:

I totally had this issue!  I loved this magazine and Rick was my first concert.  Dr. Noah Drake may be showing his age now, but back in the day, he was dreamy.  And destined to marry me.  That worked out well.

Hand Painted Yankees Toy Chest

Re-pins: 215

Likes: 52

Comments: 7

Why this pin?:

I painted this for my nephew when he was born because I wanted to make him something special.  Babe Ruth's number is on one side and Donnie Baseball is on the other, to represent his grandfather's and father's favorite players.  After all, he is a 5th generation Yankee fan (until he becomes a Cubs fan). 

Cabbage Patch Kids

Re-pins: 169

Likes: 18

Comments: 0

Why this pin?:

This chubby gal looks just like my own doll, Gabrielle.  Also someone (who is not my brother) had one (who was definitely NOT named Fletcher). I may have been a touch old for dolls -- I was 9 when I "adopted" her.  Today, I think kids that age are busy stealing their parent's car and driving to keggers and tattoo parlors, but 1982 was a simpler time.






So, are YOU into Pinterest too?  Do you love it?  Think it's a passing fad?  A colossal waste of time?

Inspire me below!


tags: beauty, crafts, pop culture, technology

I Heart Andy Cohen

I was in Del Boca Vista last week, which gave me the chance to plow through a new book on the plane, while I was trying to ignore the strange man to my left.  Of course, I turned to housewife porn. 

No, no, not the one you're thinking of!  I only have eyes for Most Talkative, by Bravo network exec/TV host, Andrew "Andy" Cohen. 

I also came to a realization:  When I grow up, I'd like to be a gay, Jewish boy from St. Louis.

Andy's had a pretty amazing career in journalism, but it's his Kingdom of Reality TV that turns me absolutely green with envy.  After all, this is the guy that brought us Project Runway, Top Chef, Flipping Out, and each and every season of The Real Housewives, which I have watched religiously. 

I consider myself a connoisseur of this genre, having seen all the mainstays: Amazing Race, American Idol, Apprentice, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Big Brother, Cake Boss, Dancing with the Stars, Design Star, Extreme Makeover, Hell's Kitchen, House Hunters, Next Food Network Star, Project Greenlight, Project Runway, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Real Housewives, Real World, So You Think You Can Dance, Survivor, Top Chef, Top Model, Trading Spaces, and The Voice.

Hell, I've even watched these trainwrecks gems: Average Joe, the Anna Nicole Show, Bachelor Pad, Beauty and the Geek, Bethenny Getting Married, Blow Out, Boy Meets Boy, Celebrity Rehab, Chopped, Cupcake Wars, Dance Moms, Dogs in the City, Extreme Couponing, Fashion Star, Flipping Out, For Love or Money, Gigolos, Glee Project, Great Food Truck Race, High School Reunion, Hoarders, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Joe Millionaire, Joe Schmo Show, Laguna Beach, The Hills, The City, Love Cruise, Love in the Wild, Man vs. Food, Masterchef, Million Dollar Listing, Millionaire Matchmaker, Mob Wives, The Mole, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Strange Addiction, The Osbournes, Paradise Hotel, Pregnant in Heels, The Restaurant, Road Rules, Rockstar INXS, Shahs of Sunset, Shark Tank, Shear Genius, Simple Life, Skating with Celebrities, Sorority Life, Surreal Life, The Swan, Tabitha's Salon Takeover, Take Me Out, Tardy for the Wedding, Temptation Island, Undercover Boss, Wife Swap, Work Out, Work of Art, and Worst Cooks in America.

I've got a PhD in reality.  Some might say I need a life.  But why, when I can live vicariously through all these crazies?

Anyway, if you don't watch Andy's late-nite talk show, Watch What Happens Live, you're missing out.  It's pure escapist fun.  He's breezy and goofy, but not afraid to stir a steamy gossip pot.  The cocktails Andy and guests guzzle during every episode (especially on Shotski Wednesday) also help lubricate the conversation. 

So in the spirit of the show, here's what 3 things I'm obsessed with:

1. Andy loves pop culture.  Natalie and Tootie from Facts of Life as guests?  I've died and gone to heaven. 
2. Andy loves drama.  Teresa Guidice can shove him.  Tamra Barney can kiss him.  He's unflappable.
3. Andy loves reality TV.  This suit is an actual fan of the shows his network runs.  How refreshing! 

Now, it's MY turn to Plead the Fifth.  Yay!  Imagine dramatic lights and music:

• If I was a Real Housewife, my catch phrase would be: You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can NOT take the Jersey out of me. (said while coyly pointing to my imaginary tramp stamp in the shape of the state)
• If anyone could play me on a made for TV movie, I would choose: Tiffani (hold the Amber) Thiessen.  There simply is no substitute.
• Who will I vote for in the 2012 Presidential election: I plead the fifth!

My mazel of the day goes to: Andy's mom, Evelyn, who was the guest bartender for a week when his book came out, and supplied a myriad of embarrassing photos from his youth.

My Jackhole of the day goes to: Ralph Fiennes who came to a pajama party in the WWHL Clubhouse and beat Andy senseless with a pillow.  That dude has some anger.


So, do YOU love Andy like I do?  Are you a reality fan or foe?  Comment below...


PS: Andy, if you've ever in the market for an unknown guest bartender from Jersey, call me!  But only on Bud Platinum night.  I can't mix a cocktail to save my life, but I can pour a mean beer.

PPS: The secret word of the day was "Andy" -- and if you took a cross-eyed sip of your Sangria every time I wrote it (13)... you'd be barfing in your sombrero.


tags: entertainment, pop culture

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Post-apocalyptic YA novels about starving teenagers in a televised fight to the death really aren’t my thing.

I tried to resist.  But let’s face it: I can’t stand being left out of a pop culture phenomenon. So I borrowed The Hunger Games from a friend at work.

Did I like it?

Let’s just say, I read the 1st book, ordered the full series from Amazon, got them, AND read the next 2 books all in the span of about 10 days. That includes time I foolishly spent working and sleeping. I could have read them even quicker, but I was trying to drag the 3rd book out because I didn’t want the series to end.

The last time I did this much binge-reading was Twilight. Which I loved.

It begs the question, which one did I love better: Twilight or Hunger Games? Wow.  That's like Sophie's Choice.  I can't decide. I love them both.  Differently.

Can one possibly come out on top? 

Let’s battle it out together…

THE SERIES:
>> Twilight: Stephanie Meyers' 4 books & 4 movies (+1 to come)
>> Hunger Games: Suzanne Collins' 3 books & 1 movie (+2 to come)
>> The Winner: Tie
Here's Why: Supernatural Twilight was way longer.  More to sink my teeth into (jokes=0, puns=1).  But futuristic Hunger Games was a fast-paced feast (ahem).  And each HG book had a title that related better to the story.  I could never remember the names of the Twilight books, even as I was reading them.  Still, for me, this one's a toss up.

THE SETTING:
>> Twilight: Stormy Forks, Washington
>> Hunger Games: Dreary District 12, Panem
>> The Winner: Forks
Here's Why:  Panem seems miserable.  Everyplace but the Capitol is filled with struggling and starvation -- and that's a good day.  No thanks.  I'll take moody, rainy Forks and pack an umbrella.

THE SUSPENDED BELIEF:
>> Twilight: Vampires & werewolves live among us
>> Hunger Games: Children battling to the death is entertaining
>> The Winner: Kids fighting
Here's Why: Boxing.  Mixed Martial Arts.  Gangs.  Dog fights.  We live in a pretty violent society, and sometimes, you can even buy tickets and a beer so you can watch and cheer it on.  So is it really THAT far fetched that there'd be some annual kiddie Fight Club?  Sadly, no.

THE DEADLY THREAT:
>> Twilight: Bitten by vampire & live forever
>> Hunger Games: Starve & die young
>> The Winner: Vampire
Here's Why: This one's no contest.  Have you ever seen a broke vampire?  No.  I think I could stand an eternity of living in awesome houses, driving amazing cars, and vacationing on my own island.  Even if it meant sitting through chemistry again.  Sure, there's the whole blood-sucking thing.  But I'd rather make a meal out of a meathead than out of a squirrel and some tree bark.

THE HEROINE:
>> Twilight: Bella Swan
>> Hunger Games: Katniss Everdeen
>> The Winner: Katniss
Here's Why: Bella's a whiner.  Waah, the cutest boy in school has pledged his undying love for me.  Waaah, I'm going to be 18.  Waaaah, I might also love a werewolf.  Waaaaah, I'm living dangerously.  Waaaaaah, I can't walk in heels.  Waaaaaaah, I love my demon baby.  Please.  Katniss should shoot an arrow in Bella's ass and give her a reason to complain.

THE LOVE TRIANGLE:
>> Twilight: Bella/Edward/Jacob
>> Hunger Games: Katniss/Gale/Peeta
>> The Winner: Katniss/Gale/Peeta
Here's Why:  It's a true triangle.  Ab-tastic Jacob really never had a chance of escaping the dreaded Friend Zone.  While Katniss faked her feelings to stay alive.  So to see real relationships develop with her hunting buddy, Gale, and fellow Tribute, Peeta, was sweet, surprising, and heart-wrenching.  PS: I'm totally Team Peeta.

THE VILLAIN:
>> Twilight: The Volturi
>> Hunger Games: President Snow
>> The Winner: Tie
Here's Why: Both smell like blood.  That's not normal.  They're also both very pale.  And they all speak in hushed tones, which is always scarier than yelling.  You'd really want to avoid these cats at all costs.

THE VOICE OF REASON:
>> Twilight: Vampire, Dr. Carlisle Cullen
>> The Hunger Games: Former winner, Haymitch Abernathy
>> The Winner: Haymitch
Here's Why: Sure he's a drunk, but somehow he thinks clearly when it comes to the Games and he does his best to keep his Tributes alive by delivering food, medicine, and developing their entire love story.  Carlisle wasn't even there to deliver the demon baby -- some mentor!

THE QUIRKY SIDEKICK:
>> Twilight: Alice Cullen
>> Hunger Games: Effie Trinket
>> The Winner: Alice
Here's Why: Aside from uttering the awesomely oblivious line that is title of this post, Effie's pretty useless.  Alice can see danger in the future.  That's a good skill to keep in your pocket.  Little known fact: when she's not busy saving other people's lives with her visions, she plays the odds in Vegas.  That's how they afford all Edward's Volvos.

THE SYMBOL:
>> Twilight: An apple, representing temptation
>> Hunger Games: A mockingjay pin, representing rebellion
>> The Winner: Mockingjay
Here's Why: That genetically-engineered mockingjay bird was all over the place.  It was famously worn as a pin, it was hidden on a watch, it was burned on a piece of bread, it inspired every outfit Cinna designed.  It became the symbol of a national revolution.  At the end of the day, the apple was just a fruity reminder that Bella shouldn't have sex before marriage.  Eh.


Well, alrighty then!  I guess Hunger Games took a bite out of Twilight (jokes=0, puns=2) after all. 

I can live with that.

Agree?  Disagree?  Too busy reading 50 Shades of Grey to care?  Comment below!


tags: entertainment, pop culture