But Wait... There's More

As I was saying before I was distracted by public urination, when I was in Florida I watched a good amount of late night infomercials. It seems EVERY 80s supermodel has been busy in the lab formulating their own face creams and/or exercise equipment and/or hair products. And every popstar is plagued with acne.

But you cannot avoid the omni-present Snuggie.

I couldn’t help but notice this blanket cult is now singlehandedly trying to resurrect the Macarena. I hated that song when I was in Mexico on spring break in 1995, and I don’t like it any better now with the words changed up. Heeey get a Snuggie!

Get out of my head.

In their quest for world domination, they will not rest until we are all roaming the earth in these flimsy backwards robes. Do yourself a favor and look away when the commercial comes on, or you too will be sucked into their vortex. Heeeeeeeey get a Snuggie!

You never know what brilliant discovery you’ll find on TV. Recall the time I bought a ham at 2am? In the cavernous void left by bearded Billy Mays, several new pitchmen have arisen and joined the mission to separate me from my hard-earned dollars.

Damn them and their persuasiveness!

Here are my current television temptations:

TV Hat: How do I not own this? Let me thank the guy (and yes, I said guy -- one glance and you know this goofy facemask was NOT designed by a woman) who Gorilla-glued a plastic pouch to the brim of a rather large hat so I could slip my “digital MP3 player” in and feel like I’m inside my own hands-free personal theater. The “privacy shade” does makes your face look like it’s stuck in a shoebox, so it’s not for the claustrophobic. But they must be popular because they are all sold out of the color “Camo.” I guess I won’t be blending in with the wildlife while I watch Gossip Girl in the woods. Let’s just hope it gets better reception than my radio underpants.

Heel Tastic: In watching this one, I learned that some people actually need to groom their feet with a belt-sander. That’s rough! Now, my feet are not so crusty and jagged that they pop balloons or tear holes through nylons, but I’m fascinated by this soothing roll-on balm. They attribute the baby-softness to “natural Neem and Karanja oils.” A quick googling tells me Neem is a vegetable oil that smells strongly of peanuts and garlic. So, really, who’s to say if your feet are smooth or rough? They will stink so no one will want to go near them. Because feet are gross. Evil genius.

Blo & Go: How did they know I’ve been struggling with my blow-dryer? My arms get SO tired. I often think, my hair would look amazing if only I had another set of hands. OR a wall-mounted suction cup from which to hang my dryer! That would be like getting a salon-quality blowout right in my own bathroom. Well, my prayers have been answered. And no worries about it crashing to the floor from the sheer force of the blow, because this gadget comes with a sleek black bungee cord to keep that sucker sturdy. They’ve literally thought of everything. I’m going to look awesome.

Pasta Boat: I remember making lasagna once and shouting an f-bomb for every slimy noodle I fished out of a boiling pot of water. True story.  They were so freaking hot. Now, if I’d only had one of these babies, I could have microwaved, drained and served dinner in minutes AND not have frightened the neighbors! Chubby Cathy Mitchell makes it look so easy. Who needs my Italian mom’s recipes? Can you say free full-color recipe booklet? Plus, if I order now, she’ll cut the price in half. Kathy’s good like that. But wait… there’s more! She’ll DOUBLE my order AND throw in a bonus food chopper. It’s an offer I simply cannot refuse.


Even when I’m not sleep-deprived, I think it would be fun to own the 4 products above. But you totally have my permission to steal my wallet, drop it in a bucket of water, and stick it in the deep-freeze it if ever order the Chillow, Spray-on Nylons, or the Butler Toilet.

Friends don't let friends buy random useless crap alone.  Have YOU ever ordered anything you saw on TV?


tags: commercials, pop culture, shopping

Tinkle Town

I planned to come home tonight and blog. Sorry it’s been a while.

I flew down to FL last week to take my mom to some dr appointments. While watching TV on the plane I saw this ridiculous commercial for something called Pajama Jeans, and I found it hilarious. I didn’t sleep a ton while I was away, so I saw a lot of late night infomercials selling equally ridiculous and unnecessary products. I started thinking about writing another As Seen on TV post.

And I will.

But tonight, I just have to share what I saw on my way home…

When I left work a little after 6, it was cold and dark. I was outside my office building and feeling pretty good for avoiding stepping on a squishy roach in the middle of 45th street. I was flipping through songs on my iPod when I happened to look up and see a middle-aged woman ahead.

She was well-lit because she was standing in the doorway of a pretty posh deli, which was closing up for the night. I noticed the woman was wearing a brown tweed skirt, nude nylons, and white granny panties.

I know the color of her underwear, because they were around her ankles.

Just incase my retinas weren't completely burnt yet, I could also see her skirt was hiked up over her bare ass, which then gave me a clear view of the glass mug she was peeing in. While standing on the sidewalk. In the doorway of a deli. PEEING! 

Something tells me the mug didn’t say “World’s Greatest Mom” on the flipside.

In one swift motion, I saw her dump the mug out, midstream, and start to fill it again. She must not have peed for a week. At this point, I was passing by her, completely HORRIFIED. I couldn’t even hide it. I shouted, “Holy shit!” when my brain finally connected these disgusting dots, but she was unphased by me or by the owner of the deli who was now banging on the window. He was wildly waving a head of lettuce at her – I’m pretty sure that’s the universal symbol for "please stop pissing on my store."

Um, really lady?

I’ve seen many, many, MANY guys pee outside. Sometimes you witness the act itself, and sometimes it’s just the wet spot. Sadly, I don't think twice about it. I practically expect it. But it’s not every day you see a woman take a leak on a sidewalk.

We have shattered the porcelain ceiling.  Women have officially become disgusting. 

I need to look no further than the restroom in my own office building to see just how disgusting the fairer sex can be. It’s astonishing to me how many women don’t flush. Is this environmental?  It certainly isn't hygienic.  And you’re lucky, if it’s pee! At least once a week, I walk into a stall clogged with poo – or worse, blood. Ewww. It’s like toilet roulette.

If this happens in an office, no wonder it’s chaos in the streets!

Watch out for puddles...


tags: city life, gross

Trick or Treat!

I’m watching The Great Pumpkin right now. I forgot how much I hate Charlie Brown.

He’s just so depressing. That blockhead can’t EVER catch a break -- not even when he's out trick or treating.

All Chuck gets is a bag of rocks.

This got me to thinking about my own worst scores when I worked the Halloween circuit. (That sounds much worse than I intended. But in the wise words of Sue Sylvester, Halloween is the holiday where boys dress like girls and girls dress like whores.)

Anyway… back in Ye Olden Days (aka the 1980s), a sack of Halloween treats was fraught with danger. Would it be laced with Tylenol? Or perhaps a nice razor blade would be tossed in the mix? Or was all that candy-tampering just urban legend?

I dunno. Maybe it was a trick, but my mom examined our candy with the thoroughness of a forensic scientist. The hard candies went straight into the trash (or my dad’s belly) because they were deemed bad for our teeth. Once everything cleared inspection, my brother and I feasted on sweet, sweet chocolate.

Now, I don’t know what kind of loot people give out these days, but I grew up in your typical suburban NJ neighborhood. There was good candy -- none of it radioactive (contrary to some OTHER urban legends) -- and some families even splurged on the full size goodies instead of the mini snack size.

That was nice.

But occasionally, you got a rotten egg. Not literally, of course. That would be gross. So here are the 10 crappiest things I ever pulled out of my trick or treat bag:

1. A toothbrush
2. A small box of Sun Maid raisins
3. A popcorn ball
4. An apple
5. A couple of pennies
6. A #2 pencil
7. Easter candy
8. A single stick of Big Red gum
9. A slice of zucchini bread
10. A tooth stuck in a Milk Dud

I should probably clarify that last one, huh? It was MY tooth. Does that make it better?

Didn’t think so.

Ok, it was the 6th grade, and I was dressed as a Rockette, complete with fishnet tights and a sparkly top hat. I was out with a gaggle of 11 and 12 year olds -- my first unsupervised co-ed trick or treating adventure ever -- and we were about 5 blocks away from my house. My pillowcase full o'candy was getting awfully heavy.  So I decided to do the unthinkable: I ate a piece without it passing the mom-test.

I was born to be wild.

First, I ate a mini Hershey bar. It tasted like freedom.  I wanted more. So I popped open a small yellow box of Milk Duds. The caramel was irristable. The first one went down so smooth, I chased it with 2 more.

And that’s when it happened.

I opened my sticky mouth (probably to yap to my BFF about how I would someday marry John Taylor).  Only, my tooth didn’t come along for the ride. It just sat on my tongue, stuck in the Dud. The chewy candy must have created an unbreakable seal around an already loose molar, because I remember sticking my tongue into the gaping hole in the back of my mouth, and sure enough, it was gone. I tasted a little blood, but I didn’t panic. I just quietly drooled into my bag so I could cash the lump in later with the Tooth Fairy, and I tap-danced over to the next house.

In true Rockette form, I knew the show must go on.

So, my point is this: If you don’t want to be scraping eggs off your front door until Christmas, don’t hand out crap you find around the house, disguised as Halloween candy. And if you forget (or are too cheap) to buy the good stuff, at least have the decency to dim the lights and hide in the basement until the kids stop ringing the bell.

But MOST importantly, if you are a dentist, skip the toothbrush and go straight for the Milk Duds or the rocks. Those treats will totally pay for themselves.

What's the worst thing you ever got in YOUR trick or treat bag?


tags: food, gross, holidays, jersey

The Great Pop-Tart Pop Off

As I type this, I’m eating a Hot Fudge Sundae-flavored Pop-Tart. Raw.

Didn’t know that flavor existed, huh? Me neither. Admittedly, this snack is randomo under normal circumstances. But these aren’t normal circumstances because I recently purchased 19 different varieties of these sugary breakfast treats.

Yep, you read that right.

I bought 19 boxes of Pop-Tarts from about 5 different stores. I would have bought 20, if I could have found the last one I was looking for (Apple Strudel, you are an elusive and mysterious flavor).

You’re probably asking yourself, why would someone embark on a Pop-Tart quest? Particularly someone who’s not 10 years old. Who doesn’t have kids. Or a particular affinity for breakfast. Or, for that matter, sweet snacks.

The answer is I have too much time on my hands. Simple as that.

So I headed up to Fairfield, CT with nothing but a bag of uncooked toaster pastries and a dream, and asked (begged?) my favorite taste testers to help me crown the Top of the Tarts.

Unlike our M&M challenge, it seemed impossible to evaluate each of these flavors on their own and rank them. There were just too many. So in the true spirit of competition, we assembled a March Madness-style bracket on the dining room table and laid out the Sweet 19.

Each of us went into it with a very clear favorite – the ladies for Strawberry, the guy for Cherry. (Full disclosure: my all-time fave is Strawberry Frosted followed closely by S’mores – these are the only 2 flavors I’d ever tried prior to this and to this day, I’ve NEVER eaten a toasted Tart).

There were a few rules: 1) skip all the product line extensions like 20% fiber and no frosting -- no sense eating a healthy, naked Tart, 2) similar flavors had to play eachother at the outset of the game to establish flavor family dominance, and 3) we had to cut the crusts off so we could taste the true fillings without too much cardboardy coating.

Now, if you simply can’t bear to read my play-by-play on Pop-Tarts, I understand. Just skip to the bottom and see who wins. I won’t judge you (yes I will).

For everyone else… let the Pop Off begin!

ROUND 1:

• Blueberry Muffin vs Blueberry vs Wild Grape: Plain Blubes is the first W on the board by virtue of it being “least offensive” and because it’s “blue inside" unlike "albino Blueberry Muffin” and it’s not “disgusting” like Grape.
• Cinnamon Roll vs Brown Sugar Cinnamon: Roll, with its “fancy icing,” wins because Brown Sugar’s icing “looks a lot like skin.”
• Cherry vs Strawberry: The biggest upset of the night, Cherry could only win “if there was no Strawberry in the house,” according to 2 of the 3 judges. Chalk up one for the ‘Berry.
• Chocolate Chip vs Chocolate Fudge: Even though Chip had “lame icing,” Fudge’s flavor was “not fudgy at all.” Chip was the obvious choice for anyone who "likes their chocolate to taste like chocolate.”
• Hot Fudge Sundae vs Ice Cream Sandwich: Both of these ice cream spin-offs were “pretty bland,” but in the end “vaguely marshmellowy” Sundae won out over “makes me sad” Sandwich.
• Wild Berry vs Raspberry: There was no way “funky smelling” Wild Berry could topple Raspberry. “Oh yeah,” it was unanimous on this one.
• Strawberry Milkshake vs Vanilla Milkshake vs Orange Creamsicle: In this “creamy showdown,” the now discontinued “different” Orange Creamsicle rose to the top because Strawberry gave us “a sweets headache” and Vanilla had a “horrible icing job.”
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough vs Cookies & Cream vs S’mores: You have to admire the "artful striped filling” of the “delicious” S’mores, which edged out “dry like sawdust” Cookie Dough and Cookies & Cream, which “took too long to get to the taste.”

ROUND 2:

• Blueberry vs Cinnamon Roll: BBerry got lucky because Roll “was never really very good in the first place,” but we were all pretty certain “nobody can eat a whole Blueberry, let alone 2.”
• Strawberry vs Chocolate Chip: A tough one since Chip was “kinda nice,” but in the end, the “Strawberry Mafia” muscled out a victory.
• Hot Fudge Sundae vs Raspberry: Another unanimous vote for Raspberry, because Sundae “kinda sucked.”
• Orange Creamsicle vs S’mores: Having a “campfire in your toaster” seemed more appealing than “melted” ice cream with an “orange-ish” taste. Chalk another up for your buddy, S’mores.

ROUND 3:

• Strawberry vs. Blueberry: This one was really “no contest” but someone cast a “spite vote” for Blueberry. Strawberry still got 2 “jammy thumbs up.”
• Raspberry vs S’mores: This loss was “painful” for S’mores because Raspberry “cheated.”

ROUND 4:

• Strawberry vs Raspberry: Do you really have to ask who won this final flavor showdown?

WINNER: Strawberry*
(*under protest – my brother thinks his wife and I rigged it for Strawberry – I cannot confirm or deny this ugly rumor)

Yes, it’s a boring outcome, but the bottom line is most of these new flavors are either gross or tasteless. Tried and true is the way to go. Strawberry is #1 in America (and in my heart) for a reason!

It just tastes good.

But if the Pop-Tart elves are ever looking for new flavors to ruin, we’d like to toss a few into the ring: Strawberry Cheesecake, Lemon Meringue, Boston Cream Pie, Peanut Butter and Jelly (only strawberry, grape is gross), Chocolate Peanut Butter, and Chocolate Mint (make sure it's green inside). Produce those, Kelloggs, and we’ll schedule a rematch.

That is, if Cherry doesn’t still hold a grudge for being eliminated in Round 1.

So did we get it right? What’s YOUR favorite flavor? Do you like ‘em raw or toasted? And please don’t tell me you’ve never tasted a Tart, because I will be forced to point at you and chant, “Liar, liar pants on fire!”

Hmmm. Maybe I am 10 years old, after all…


tags: food

McBullshit

No doubt by now you’ve seen the photos.

The article about them on Yahoo alone has over 13,000 comments.  That same article has been shared on Facebook over 266,000 times.  And re-tweeted over 4,000 times.

Even my dad sent it to me!

I’m talking about the photos showing the contents of an unadorned Happy Meal left out to rot on a coffee table in your typical Manhattan apartment.

Only it didn't.

They say this “superfood” has resisted decomposition for 6 whole months. That’s 180 days. And it’s still fresh as a daisy, if that daisy was made of plastic.

Ahem. Bullshit.

Now, let me be clear: I have NO doubt this could happen. But here are 5 reasons I think this “experiment” is total crap:

1) Food left out in the open in your typical NYC apartment is a red carpet invitation to rats, mice, flies, ants, roaches, and other unsavory houseguests. Nobody in their right mind would open that Pandora’s box of vermin. Or are we to believe that the bugs in her house took a nibble of this hideous feast and turned vegetarian? If that’s the case, lock up your tofu, lady!

2) It moved. It's plain to see.  The bun. The burger. And most definitely the fries. MOVED! A lot. Plus wouldn’t the paper get all greasy? Also who's to say this is a Happy Meal -- I see no prize?  Or is it that it sounds much worse if we feed this cryogenic snack to our kids rather than ourselves?  And why is the lighting on these casual photographs basically the same every single day? Nobody's that anal.  Not even me.  Something’s fishy. Or burgery, as the case may be.

3) She’s an artist. A photographer who’s sold her work to famous people. Like SJP. Jeez, if I knew this counts as “art,” I would have photographed the back seat of my college roommate’s Subaru for 4 years. She loved Happy Meals, and no doubt had a few runaway fries left under the seat. Then I too could have been interviewed by Good Morning America. Why, I bet that type of notoriety might even help someone sell some actual art, since someone probably needs to buy a new coffee table and all.  But I'm sure someone never, ever thought of that...

4) IT’S NOT NEWS THAT MCDONALDS IS GROSS! Hey, is the sky also blue? Babies and puppies still cute? Here’s a tip: If you want to be healthy, don’t buy your food at the same place you buy gas. This Happy Meal that withstands the test of time doesn’t make me sick. Even Morgan Sperlock’s supersize adventure didn’t make me sick. What person who weighs less than 600lbs eats that much junk for every meal every single day? Anything in excess is bad for you.  Now Fast Food Nation? Yeah, that one made me kinda sick. But this is not that.

5) This whole issue is a non-story. Salt is a preservative and the burger’s so non-juicy it might as well be jerky. No moisture = no mold.  This has nothing to do with magically evil McChemicals, it’s simple science that even pirates knew (and those peg-legged bastards got scurvy and rickets). Besides, preservatives don’t kill people, bacteria does.


Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make a moisturizer out of salt and preservatives so I can become a billionaire and look like I’m 17 forever.  Right after I finish these fries...

They really don't stick around in MY house long enough to decay either.

 
tags: food, gross

Crazytown

I hear there are a bunch of big elections on the horizon in our area.

Lots of positions up for grabs this mid-term. Andrew Cuomo vs. Carl Paladino for NY Governor. Dick Blumenthal vs. Linda McMahon for CT Senator. And Dan Malloy vs Tom Foley for CT Governor.

Who am I voting for? Who cares.

Oh sure, I’ll do my civic duty and show up at PS 116 on Election Day. Even given my recent housing confusion, I'm fairly confident they'll let me vote for NY Governor. 

I’ll probably even try to wade through the mess of accusations of extramarital affairs and “legendary” sexual prowess, and get down to a few actual issues. But if I’m being truthful, I’ve really only got my sights set on ONE race.

I’m speaking, of course, of the race for the Mayor of Crazytown.

What’s that? You say you’re not aware of this race? Well, then allow me to introduce you to the candidates:

Seth from Top Chef Just Desserts
Home State: New York
Affiliation: The Cold As Ice Party
Campaign Slogan: “The Red Hots were for my mommy!”
Strength: Unashamed to weep uncontrollably over unfrozen sorbet
Weakness: Comprehending that you don’t get to make your own ice cream in a challenge sponsored by Breyers
Main Obstacle: Frozen desserts
Odds: 2:1

NaOnka from Survivor
Home State: California
Affiliation: The Turnabout Is Fair Play Party
Campaign Slogan: “Screw your leg and keep it away from the fire!”
Strength: Unashamed to knock down a woman with one leg on national television and shout, “I don’t like you!” in her face
Weakness: Comprehending that if another person leads you to a hidden immunity idol because you can’t decipher the clue, you probably shouldn’t shove it in your sock and taunt them that it’s all yours
Main Obstacle: Artificial limbs
Odds: 3:1

David from The Apprentice
Home State: Michigan
Affiliation: The Crazy Pants Party
Campaign Slogan: “I can make nails out of binder clips!”
Strength: Unashamed to lose his tooth in a bagel and sit out most of a challenge with a “dental malfunction”
Weakness: Comprehending that having a short fuse doesn’t make you a leader, it makes you an asshat
Main Obstacle: Blind rage
Odds: 5:1




Not sure who will be elected for the top spot. But while I’m at it, I should also probably make some predictions on who will win the actual competitions on these shows. And it’s NO secret I’m the mush, so I apologize in advance for my endorsement...

I have now sealed your fate:
Zac (Top Chef)
Tyrone (Survivor)
Anand (Apprentice)

Anyway, Crazytown may be all about anarchy, but the rest of the USA is a democracy, so exercise your right to free speech and add your own predictions below!
 
 
tags: entertainment, politics

Why Has Glee Forsaken Me?

What I’m about to tell you won’t be popular:

Glee’s official season 2 has not been good.  They're 0 for 2.

There, I said it. But I’m not happy about it.

I love Glee! And whether or not you watch the show (and if you don’t, really, what’s wrong with you? Do you also hate rainbows and chocolate bunnies?), you can’t escape the hype. Or the praise, which has been 100% well-deserved.

SUPER talented cast, awesome 1-liners, and just an all-around entertaining hour of television. The bar is, admittedly, set quite high.

So it was with great anticipation that I tuned in last week -- eager to go back to school with the crazy kids from McKinley High. And while Empire State of Mind out in the courtyard and the Telephone showdown in the bathroom were both great, there were 3 things that missed the mark for me, big-time:

1. Replacing Coach Ken Tanaka. The jury is still out the new female football coach named Beiste, but I hope she's not a joke. That would be just plain mean.
2. Speaking of mean, having good guy Mr. Schuester join forces with awesomely evil Sue Sylvester to torment the new coach was ridiculously out of character.
3. Making Kurt and Puck practically invisible was a mistake. Kurt is hilarious, and Puck is just plain hot. A miss on both counts.

The whole thing left me feeling… unsatisfied. But what kept me hanging on was knowing an episode devoted to Britney Spears was right around the corner. I was SUPER psyched for it.

And yes, I’m aware of all the things that are wrong with that statement.

So I watched. And I listened. And I waited. And, ugh! Not good. Again! Here’s why:

1. Totally bizarre choice of songs (exception being Artie’s Stronger, which was all kinds of terrific), with the horror of all horrors -- an awkward Baby One More Time by the never-disappointing Rachel.
2. Stupid premise of anesthesia-induced Britney hallucinations. We get it. She’s a guilty pleasure. But is that the best they could do?
3. Too many video reenactments, not enough weaving the songs into the storyline. It worked so well with Madonna/Vogue from last season, and even Olivia Newton John/Physical, but here it was overkill. Forced.

I hate to hate on a show I totally adore. So I should point out the 2 things from last night’s episode that were standouts. First, it showed everyone what a fierce dancer Brittany S. Pierce could be. I had an idea, but wow! And second, it reminded me you can never have enough Uncle Jesse. Ever. John Stamos is like human bacon. He makes everything better. And he’s probably just as tasty…

Hmm. Did that cross the line? Eh. It’s been a long, lonely summer.

Anyhoo, if it were up to me, I would keep Stronger and Toxic (but with a better premise, that pep rally was lame). Then I’d add these 3 numbers that would have been more up to Glee’s standards:

1. Suppose Puck’s had a busy summer, bouncing between all his season 1 love interests, then school’s back in session and the girls compare notes (or sexts, as the case may be). Surely Santana, Quinn, Mercedes, and Rachel could do a killer rendition of Womanizer, with Noah Puckerman in their cross-hairs.
2. Imagine Kurt, still pining football hero Finn, doing an acapella (You Drive Me) Crazy, while looking all mooney-eyed at his locker.
3. Playing off this new Miss Pillsbury love triangle, you could see a Will Schuester and dreamy Doc Stamos duet -- vying for her attention in a pop/easy listening mash-up.  They'd sing Gimme More and she'd sing Arthur's Theme and obsessively pump hand santitizer.
4. BONUS: Let’s say Sue Sylvester was named Coach of the Decade in Splits Magazine. Again. No doubt this would inspire her to belt out Piece of Me while shoving unsuspecting students in the hallway like they were paparazzi.

Either way we should all thank our lucky stars nobody sang, I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman, featured in Miss Britney’s addictively awful cinematic debut, Crossroads.

So in my next life, when I’m a television writer, I’ll set things straight. Until then, if Glee keeps on this downward trend, it’s only a matter of time before an ill-conceived FOX cross-over episode airs that puts the kids at American Idol tryouts. Think Puck singing Daughtry singing Nickelback. Or Kurt singing Adam Lambert singing Queen.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So, fellow Gleeks, what do you think? Do I deserve a grape slushie facial for this blasphemy? Or one of Rachel’s gold stars? Has all this TV finally fried my brain? Tell me why or why not below…

(PS: John Stamos… call me. Seriously.)


tags: entertainment, music

Feast-ival

September isn’t just about back-to-school. Or the beginning of fall. Or awesome TV. It’s also for stuffing your face.

Where?

At the Feast of San Gennaro, of course! You’ve probably been at least once in the last 84 years, right?

It began as a 1-day charitable event in 1926, created by 4 families from the Old Country who owned coffee shops. They hung lights and took to the streets in honor of the patron saint of Naples to raise money for the needy in the neighborhood. Nowadays, that neighborhood has shrunk to a single street of Italian bakeries and restaurants, but the festival has grown into an 11-day celebration of Italian culture, cuisine, and tchotchkes.

The staunchest supporters (aka people who get rich from it) insist it’s not a street fair, it’s a religious event. And while there IS a church-led procession or two, this is a religious event the same way Mardi Gras is.

Not so much.

But it is the street fair to end all street fairs, and the longest-running outdoor festival in the US. In the late 90’s Giuliani cleaned things up by shutting down the gambling and locking up a pack of Genovese crime family members who were on the take. Local residents who hate the Feast's noise, crowds, and hucksters reminisce on the good old days when it was under the mob’s thumb.

Apparently, it was better organized back then. Go figure.

Anyway, a good friend and I headed down to Little Italy today to eat our way up Mulberry Street, from Canal to Houston. But we had to go in with a gameplan, or else we’d get trampled.

Here’s mine:

DO GIVE: Respect to Saint Gennaro
You gotta pin a buck or two to the statue. If you believe what Father Grifone says, which I do, The Figli di San Gennaro (Children of Saint Gennaro) has been able to donate nearly $2MM to charities supporting children and education since 1996. I can see how that’s possible -- with over a million visitors and 300 vendors each year, that’s a lot of green. And the city doesn’t fare too poorly either -- they see about 20% of the $180K worth of entry fees collected from vendors, PLUS an estimated $1.6MM in tax revenue annually. I guess these days, Manhattan is a charity too…

DON'T GIVE: $100 for a stuffed pig
Playing rip-off carnie games like Bada-bingo at $5 per card to win the grand prize of a 4ft tall Rastafarian bannana is not for me. No thanks. Call me a stick in the mud, but I skip the games at San Gennaro for the same reason I skip the gambling at casinos: I’d rather eat before I flush my money down the toilet.

DO EAT: Zeppole, rice balls, and potato croquettes
It’s a zeppola (singular), or zeppole/zeppoli (plural), but don’t bother learning the singular form, these are the Lay’s Potato Chips of Italian desserts. Nobody can eat -- or buy -- just one. These deep-fried fritters are crazy good right out of the fryer, when they’re fluffy. But let them sit too long and they become doughy bricks. Find a spot with high turnover, and then gobble them up quick. The same goes for rice balls and potato croquettes, which are made from leftover risotto or mashed potatoes, then breaded and fried. Yum. Plus they remind me of my Italian grandma, so I always make a point to eat one and think about what a great lady she was.

DON'T EAT: Fried Oreos, fried candy bars, or funnel cake
You know I love a good funnel cake, but I say arrivederci to this stuff. Save it for the county fair. At an Italian feast, I mangia Italian food. It’s as simple as that. Capisce? (and yes, other than curse words, that’s the extent of my Italian vocab.)

DO SUPPORT: The arts
I’m told that back in the day, all you heard at the Feast was opera. That seems nice. These days, there are occasional performances, but if you miss one of those, sometimes you can catch a spontaneous serenade. The one pictured here happened at a restaurant, while a family was celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary. When they passed around that puffy hat, you can bet I threw a buck in.

DON'T SUPPORT: Clown shows
There’s not enough money pinned to San Gennaro’s apron to get me to go inside that rickety wooden snake pit. And apparently, I’m not the only one. Safari Joe looks downright bored. I think he’s prank calling the bearded lady.

DO BREAK: The rules and eat street meat
I know, I know, I knooooow. I’ve said that I don’t eat street meat. But I bend that rule for a good sweet sausage with peppers and onions or a braciole (grilled pork or beef bundles stuffed with herbed ricotta cheese). They say about 20% of all the vendors at the feast serve up SPO at their stand, making it the most popular eats at the festival. You can’t argue with that. Just find the one that uses a charcoal grill -- they’re better.

DON'T BREAK: Your teeth on a hunk of Torrone
Any food that requires a meat cleaver and a hammer to cut is bad news. The road to your dentist is most definitely paved with honey, sugar, egg whites and almonds.

DO BUY: A local souvenir
I’m a sucker for anything with my name on it. These little license plates remind me of a Snoopy one I had on my bike when I was a kid. You’d think these would be half-price, though, since NY plates don’t look like this anymore. But of all the things you can pick up, anything plastic is a winner -- it’s unlikely to become a vehicle for the free bedbugs that come with some purchases.

DON'T BUY: An homage to stupidity
Aside from parking signs that warn “You take-a my space, I break-a you face” and boxer shorts that declare who the real Italian Stallion is, I can’t get over all the Jersey Shore gear that's out there. I don’t expect that those momos would have the sense to trademark anything, but MTV’s got to be kicking themselves that they didn’t throw a little TM on phrases like, The Situation, Snookie and GTL. Even food stands are getting in on the action -- one had a sign that asked, “Did you GTC today?” Gym. Tan. Cannoli.

DO BRING HOME: Cannolis
Cannolis are one of the few things at the Feast that travel well. And since it’s impossible to eat all the things you want (I'm usually stuffed by the time I hit Broome), you’ve gotta grab something for the road. Or the walk, as the case may be (I walked the 2.8 miles home to try and shake a few newfound lbs off my tail). I picked up a pair from Caffe Roma. They look crispy on the outside, and creamy on the inside -- just like I like ‘em. But why did I stop there and not famous Ferrara's? See below…

DON'T BRING HOME: The winner of the cannoli eating contest
Forget the circus that surrounds other eating contests, this one is for the love of the cannoli, nothing more. No cash prize. No ESPN broadcast. Just free food and a bellyache. This year, Dave “US Male” Goldstein of NJ brought home the title by eating 13 cannolis from Caffe Roma in just 6 minutes -- beating last year’s winner, and local resident, “Crazy Legs” Conti by just ONE bite. Old Crazy Legs totally phoned it in, having eaten 20 last year for the win. In the end, he blamed the crispy shells for holding him back.



Ok. All this food talk is making me hungry. I think it’s about time to dive into one of those cannolis. I’ll save the other one. For breakfast.

Ciao, amici!


tags: city life, food, holidays

Must Tape TV

HUGE thanks to the 50 people who answered the last poll. The topic you’re most interested in is relationships, but since I’m fresh out of those, I decided to write about entertainment today. That should please at least 42% of you… enjoy!

Some people say they don’t watch much TV.

“Who, me? TV? Nooooo.”

These same people say they are too busy listening to Fresh Air on NPR (“Terry Gross's interview style is so… engrossing.”). Or making their way through Modern Library’s top 100 classic novels (“The political structure of Orwell’s Animal Farm is parallel to that of Plato’s Republic.”). Or whittling birdhouses out of sustainable materials like bamboo (“Bamboo is actually the largest member of the grass family!”).  SOME people even claim they don't OWN a TV.

Blasphemers!

I believe these people are lying, if for no other reason than that’s the BEAUTY of TV -- there’s something for everyone! Even public radio-listening, pretentious literary criticism-quoting, whittlers.

Now, I’m not ashamed to publicly embrace my first love: TV. I even love the commercials. My DVR is smoking right now (figuratively, of course, I leave the actual fires to the neighborhood coffee shops). That little silver box is a hub of recording activity, rivaled only by 24-hour surveillance cameras at the mall.

THIS is the most wonderful time of the year!

Old shows are back, new shows are starting, and I just got a cozy throw which I have named, Fozzie Bear, so I can snuggle up on the couch and watch them all. I only have 1 TV, but I may need a 2nd DVR. Seriously. I’m double booked every night from 8-11pm -- and then some.

So here’s how I’ll be spending my nights... and don't be jealous, you can use this as a guide to set your DVR too. 

You're welcome.

MONDAY
Reality: Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8pm)
Comedy: How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8pm)
Drama: Gossip Girl (CW, 9pm)
Drama: Weeds (SHO, 11pm)

TUESDAY
Comedy: Party Down (STARZ re-broadcast, 12am)
Reality: Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8pm)
Comedy: Glee (FOX, 8pm)
Drama: Life Unexpected (CW, 9pm)
New Comedy: Running Wilde (FOX, 9:30pm)
Drama: Parenthood (NBC, 10pm)

WEDNESDAY
New Reality: Chopped Champions (FOOD re-broadcast, 1am)
Reality: Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 8pm)
Reality: Survivor (CBS, 8pm)
Reality: Man vs Food (TRAVEL, 9pm)
New Reality: 24 Hour Restaurant Battle (FOOD, 10pm)
New Reality: Top Chef Just Desserts (BRAVO, 10pm)

THURSDAY
New Drama: My Generation (ABC, 8pm)
Comedy: *for when My Generation gets cancelled* Community & 30 Rock (NBC 8pm & 8:30pm)
Drama: The Vampire Diaries (CW, 8pm)
Reality: Project Runway (LIFE, 9pm)
Comedy: The Office (NBC, 9pm)
New Comedy: Outsourced (NBC, 9:30pm)
Reality: The Apprentice (NBC, 10pm)
Reality: Jersey Shore (MTV, 11pm)
New Reality: Real Housewives of DC (BRAVO, 11:30pm)

FRIDAY
Comedy: Modern Family (ABC re-broadcast, 8pm)
New Drama: Blue Bloods (CBS, 10pm)
Talk: The Soup (E!, 10pm)
New Talk: Fashion Police (E!, 10:30pm)

SATURDAY
New Drama: Hawaii Five-O (CBS re-broadcast, 8pm)
Talk: The Dish (STYLE, 10pm)

SUNDAY
Reality: Jerseylicious (STYLE, 8pm)
Reality: The Amazing Race (CBS, 8pm)
Drama: Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9pm)
Drama: Mad Men (AMC, 10pm)
Reality: *for when Mad Men's season is over* Undercover Boss (CBS, 10pm)
Drama: Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10pm)
New Reality: Cupcake Wars (FOOD, 11pm)
Comedy: Bored to Death (HBO on Demand)
New Drama: Boardwalk Empire (HBO on Demand)


Could I possibly watch another show? Tell me what I’m missing below and if my head (or DVR) doesn’t explode, I’ll totally check it out.


tags: entertainment, pop culture

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Jenny

I recently gave this blog a fresh look so it could feel all pretty for today.

What's so special about today? This blog turns 2 years old!

I started it on Sept 14, 2008, while I was sitting on my couch, reflecting on a bizarre night out with my colleagues. I'd just moved to the city, I needed a hobby, and this seemed as good as any. I thought it would lead me back to doing something with my unpublished novel. But quickly, it took on a life of its own.

I really enjoy blogging. Random topics pop in my head all the time. If I think they might be interesting to you, too, I jot down my thoughts (no matter how ridiculous), and click "publish."  Instant gratification.

Recently, that all changed.

These past few months, writing has been a cathartic activity that helped me get through what was, hands down, the most difficult time of my life. Like therapy, only free. And if you think the posts you read felt personal, you should read the ones I DIDN'T publish. I can't read those myself without crying.

Turning this blog into what was essentially a very public diary helped when it was difficult to speak. From the bottom of my heart, my sincere thanks goes out to all of you who reached out to me. Your friendship is what kept me going.

I'm relieved to say, I've turned a corner. The worst is behind me and I'm back to posting about random things that hopefully make you laugh. Or at least smile.

Anyway, I like to take stock each year and see how the blog is doing. As you'll see, this one's been a rollercoaster.  Thanks for coming along for the ride...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
114

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
4.7 (down from 6.3 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
62 (up from 35 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
338 (up from 273 last year)

Average Time Spent Per Visit:
4 minutes 47 seconds (up from 3 minutes 23 seconds last year)

Most Read Blog Post (3-way tie):
Off the Market
Joy to the World
Let You Down

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About (4-way tie):
The Rachel
The Skunkies
Dear Santa...
More Cowbell

Most Comments:
Let You Down

Most Popular Poll:
M&M (&M&M&M&M&M)

Most Frequently-Used Tag For the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors (2-way tie):
Breakup
Getting Married


As we head into year 3 of this "hobby," I'd love to hear what you want me to blog about.  So don't be shy, vote below!

poll by twiigs.com

 
tags: holidays, polls, writing