50 Shades of Peeps

I read someplace that each Easter, Americans buy more than 700 million Peeps.

Now, I would like to show you my coffee table.

Oh, you can't see it?  Maybe that's because it's coated in Peeps. I'm pretty sure I now own about 2 million of them.

Before you worry that I've lost my Peepin mind, please know that I bought these for Science.

First, I wrote an extremely important article at work on Peeps and manicures (somebody had to).  And second, I felt it was my duty as a Peep lover to try every last kind and share my findings with you.

Now, as any Peep aficionado will tell you, the ONLY way to eat them is stale -- and head first. Just slice open the package and let those chicks and bunnies breathe like a fine wine. It may be tempting, but eating a fresh, fluffy Peep is like drinking boxed wine.

Cheap thrills.

On to the taste test!  Grab a rack and munch along...

Classic Chicks Taste Test: Pink, Yellow, Blue, Purple, Green & Orange
Winner: YELLOW!
I know these all taste the same, but I am a purist.  Yellow is the only way to go.

Classic Bunnies Taste Test: Pink, Yellow, Purple, Green & Blue
Winner: PINK!
Again, yes, they taste the same but just as chicks are yellow, the best bunnies are pink.

Peeps Minis Taste Test: Vanilla Creme, Strawberry Creme, Sour Watermelon, Chocolate Creme
Winner: VANILLA CREME!
These are all pretty gross (Watermelon, talking to YOU), and they are weirdly deflated, so take the win with a grain of sugar... er... salt.

Peeps Mystery Taste Test: Mystery Bunnies & Mystery Chicks
Winner: MYSTERY CHICKS!
These limited-edition bunnies (sour apple?) and chicks (pineapple?) were more fun to guess than to eat. 

Chocolate-Covered Peep Taste Test: Milk & Dark Chocolate Peepsters & Milk & Dark Chocolate-Covered Peeps
Winner: DARK CHOCOLATE-COVERED PEEP
Dipping these in choc makes them beyond sweet, so while I usually go for milk, dark is the better bet here.

Peeps Delights Taste Test: Orange, Lemon & Lime
Winner: LEMON!
These would be better if they weren't also dipped in tropical chocolate, but lemon is as refreshing as a marshmallow can be.

Chocolate-Dipped Peeps Taste Test: Plain, Strawberry,  Sugar Cookie, Milk & Dark Chocolate
Winner: MILK CHOCOLATE!
I don't love any of these, but if I had to pick, I'm going with this little fella.

Peeps Novelties: Bunnies & Peeps on a Stick, Decorated Eggs & the Jumbo Bunny
Winner: RAINBOW PEEPS ON A STICK!
This is just fun to eat.  Plus mine was already stale, which was ok by me.

Peeps Flavors Taste Test: Blue Raspberry, Sour Watermelon, Sweet Lemonade, Bubble Gum, Party Cake & Orange Creme
Winner: ORANGE CREME!
This was the best part -- the rest of these (minus the Lemonade) are totally inedible (especially Bubble Gum -- blech).
But Orange tastes just like a Creamsicle and is totally delicious.  I wish I had another pack.  Or seven.

To summarize: Go for the yellow chicks, the pink bunnies, and if you find the Orange Creme, give me a call.

Thank God I got to the bottom of this.

Now, this is what happens when you have too much time and too many Peeps on your hands. This is my dining room table -- the coffee table could not possibly contain all this Peep-y goodness.

And yes, there are more than 50 different kinds of Peeps up in here:

Finally, I know today is Easter, and that's cool, but tomorrow is the better holiday.

It's the Day-After-Easter Candy Sale (aka Pink Monday).  Ok okaaay, I just made up that nickname, but the holiday is 100% legit.

Here's how you participate:
1) Go to CVS and clear out a shelf of cheap Easter candy
2) Pay for it (don't forget your mile-long receipt)
3) Eat all the deliciousness knowing every pound you gain is a dollar you saved

But be quick like a bunny -- chubby grandmas get up early!


tags: food, holidays, taste tests

Bunny Treats

I hate eggs.  Actual, from a chicken, eggs.  Can't stand 'em.

All kinds?  Yes.  But what about [insert gag-worthy eggy dish here]?  Nooo thank you.  What?!?  Get over it.

As far as I'm concerned, the MVP of the Easter basket is the Reese's Peanut Butter Egg.  I could eat a whole rack before the ham hits the table.

Now, everyone knows the single wrapped egg is a tease.  Real eggs travel in packs.  Buy the sixer.

But if you haven't noticed, Reese's bunnies have been busy multiplying.  Just in case the bright neon lights of your local drug store, super store, or super market make you woozy and you accidentally pick up a different Reese's Easter candy, do NOT panic.

I am here for you.

I have tried them all, and have the ill-fitting pants to prove it.  Here's what should hop, skip, and jump right into your piehole.

Let's start with the duds.  You'll want to skip these:

Skip Reester Bunnies

Here's why:
They just don't taste very good.  The peanut butter to chocolate ratio is totally off.  The only thing this dude has going for him is that he is not hollow -- THOSE are an abomination.  Still, he's only smiling because he tricked you into buying a sub-par bunny.

Skip Reese's Novelties

Here's why:
These are a flash in the pan.  I think they're supposed to tempt you with their unusual shapes.  And the orange Reese's Pieces carrot is kind of cute.  But the rest of them stink.  The big yellow egg was a hodgepodge that included the white egg (gross). The 8 egg carton was just silly.  And the chicken sitting on top of a stack of mini cups is like a lazy man's Pez dispenser, but no where near as fun.

Skip All Reese's Minis

Here's why:
These are dangerous.  They are small, and it's way too easy to eat 10 without realizing it.  But they taste like sadness because they're inferior to the full-sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or Reese's Peanut Butter Egg.  If you like these little nuggets better, you probably also like black jelly beans.  And we can't be friends.

Sorry.





Ok, now for the good stuff.  Hop right on over to these:

Giant Reese's Eggs

Here's why:
These are GIANT eggs.  Loaded with peanut butter.  That you need to cut with a knife.

Do I really need to say more?

Reese's Pieces Eggs

Here's why:
These are actually tasty.  I thought they would be bad.  I was crazy.  Imagine the Cadbury Mini Egg if it was made from peanut butter.  Sounds pretty good, right?  It is.  But avoid the weird Eggbeaters carton package and just buy the sack. Also, get yourself some of those Cadbury Mini Eggs.  They're also quite delicious.

(I'm sure you can guess how I feel about gloopy Cadbury Creme Eggs.  Cluck no.)

Classic Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs

Here's why:
These make life worth living.  Nom nom nom nom nom.











Is there anything better than seasonal chocolate treats?  Well, yes, I can think of about 10 things without even trying.  Still, they're pretty tasty.  List your own faves below...

Thank you, Easter Bunny!


tags: food, holidays, taste tests

Up in the Air

I spent a good chunk of February flying the friendly skies.

I went to Phoenix, Orlando, Chicago, and San Francisco, on US Airways, United, JetBlue, American (first class -- woo hoo), Delta, and just today on Virgin America. I'm pretty sure 6 airlines on 4 trips is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do to rack up miles.

Anyway, it was my first time on Virgin, so I was curious to see how it matched up to my first love, JetBlue.

I can say with confidence that Virgin wins on: cool boarding passes, mood lighting, and the most epic video in the history of safety (see it below -- srsly).

The airlines tie on: newness of planes, niceness of crew, good in-flight entertainment, and paid snacks.

JetBlue wins on: price, seat comfyness, stretchy legroom (by a kneecap), and yummy, unlimited free snacks.

So, JB is still my fave.  But VA was still pretty cool.  Know what wasn't cool?  The jerkoff who sat next to me.

Actually, let me be clear: Nobody was *technically* next to me. I was in my beloved window seat and HE was in the aisle seat.  But he sure made himself at home.

Sack full of his food on the empty seat?  Check.  His big fat carry-on bag on the empty floor?  Yup.  His drinks strewn about the empty tray table?  You bet.  Mind you, this is in addition to is OWN actual seat/floor/table.  He spread his shit out like he was the Oscar Madison of the skies.

An empty middle seat is a gift!  It is not to be taken lightly!  I don't understand how someone could be so arrogant and presumptuous to take up all that neutral shared space. I wanted to say something but I thought, I'm stuck with this fool for 5 hrs, let's not make it miserable.  But my blood boiled with each item that inched my way.

About 3 hours in, gum wrappers were my final straw. I leaned over Garbage Mountain and asked...

"Did you purchase this seat?"
"No," he sneered.
"You're ALL OVER the place!" I said, while waving my hands around. "I'm just in this tiny little spot!"
"Well..." he stammered, "you can use it too."
"WHERE?!?"

Message delivered. He began packing up the junk.  The food bag went inside the carry-on bag, he folded up the spare tray, and miracle of miracles, he found room for his drinks on his table. But the war wasn't over.

This grown man fought back with an "assive" aggressive gas attack that stunk like death and toenails.

Vile human.

We didn't speak again until it was time to de-plane.  We were in row 17, and he sat until the bitter end, blocking me in even though I was actively getting scoliosis because I'm too tall to stand under an overhead bin.

At that time, he turned to me and shouted, "YOU'RE VERY RUDE!!"

My head almost popped off.

Then, he scurried away in a fart cloud.

So, did I overreact?  (maybe.)  Did he deserve it?  (yes.)  Do two rudes make a right?  (I dunno.)

Vote in the poll:


Ok, okaaaay, maybe I need to cool my jets. Or start calling myself Maverick.  I blame the 'roids.

Let's end on a high note with that safety video.  It's worth a watch.  I dare you not to smile and sing along:



tags: polls, travel

Super Bowl Ad Showdown

It's been a while, huh?  Happy 2015!

Sorry I haven't blogged in ages.  I've been busy practicing urban bee-keeping.

Who am I kidding?  I can't even keep a plant alive.  (No, seriously, my aunt gave me a ficus a few weeks ago and already it's on death's door.)

What I've really been busy doing is working.  And watching TV.  And working.

Well, as luck would have it, the Super Bowl is where my love of work and TV collide.  I guess the game was exciting, but as always, I'm in it for the commercials.  And the snacks.

Most brands release their commercials in advance, so on the Friday before the game, we gathered with a great bunch of teenage girls around a Snackadium and asked them to watch a few ads for the way women were depicted in them.  But little did we know this would be the year of the Super Sentimental Bowl.  Paying for hamburgers with hugs?  Check.  Crying dads in cars?  Check.  Cat's in the Cradle?  Check.  Puppies?  Of course!

I didn't know whether to throw a flag or a hankie.  None of those made my list.

Here are my faves from SB49:

Funniest Commercial: "Very Brady" by Snickers



Sexiest Commercial: "Little Blue Pill" by Fiat



Best Use of Celebrities: "Invisible Mindy" by Nationwide



Best Commercial I've Seen Before: "#LikeaGirl" by Always



 Best Commercial That Never Aired: "Angels Play Football" by Victoria's Secret



Most Depressing Commercial Ever In the History of Advertising: "Make Safe Happen" by Nationwide



Best Video of Teens Reviewing Commercials (because I made it)



Agree?  Disagree?  Are you still reading?  Tell me all about it below...


tags: commercials, holidays, sports, work

A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast

Is gluten-free a fad?

I dunno. But I think it is helping me feel better (if only in my mind). Like I said, it's pretty easy to keep to a GF diet during your normal life, but here's 2 places when it's hard: 1) while traveling, and 2) during the holidays.

For instance, I was in San Fran and Park City earlier this month and every food court was filled with nothing but sandwiches, pizza, and burgers. I had no choice but to eat airport sushi to stay on the wagon.

Yep. I like to live dangerously.

The holidays can be even trickier, especially with wheat-y staples like stuffing, gravy, bread, macaroni & cheese, cupcakes and pie tempting your tastebuds. What's a girl to do? Make a totally gluten-free homemade holiday feast!

And guess what?

It was good. Seriously!

Not... not horrible. Not good... all things considered. Just plain good. Tasty, even! So, here's a rundown of what I made, and how you can make it too.

Side note: I don't like to follow recipes, but I'm linking to some recipes I used for inspiration because didn't want this post to be 52 pages long describing exactly how I made each dish.

Side note 2: Food tastes better if you have the proper inspiration while cooking.  I watched a double feature of Julie & Julia and Big Night. Twice. But really, any food-centric movie will do -- Chef and The Hundred Foot Journey, or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and Ratatouille would also be delightful duos.

Bon appetit!

Think I'm kidding? Check out this feast! All. Gluten. Free.
Only keep reading if you like delicious food...

For starters, I made apps that were super easy. Cheese & GF crackers (Breton,
Mediterranean & Glutino), sopersatta, veggies, chips, Snyder's GF pretzels,
and a delightful nut medely made with cashews, pistachios, dried cranberries, and Raisinettes. 

Ok, okaaaay, I cooked ONE app. Brown sugar-coated bacon-wrapped dates.
Because they are delicious.

Then, I made creamy butternut squash soup with apple and sherry.
An immersion blender will make this silky smooth, but you can use a reg blender too,
just be careful if the soup is hot. You don't want to wear it. And don't skip the heavy cream
or the sherry (go for dry, I got a brand called Taylor for $8 from the liquor store downstairs).

I could have made biscuits with GF Bisquick, but instead I picked up Bob's Red Mill GF cornbread mix,
and prepared it according to the package. Plus, I added a can of corn to the mix. And some extra milk
so it was less dry. Also, I served it with orange honey butter and Sarabeth's cranberry relish.
Aaand, I bought this cute cast-iron pan from C&B so I could feel like a pilgrim. Or a cowboy.

Gizzards and bones aren't for me. So I made boneless turkey breasts. Three, to be exact.
Blasphemous? Maybe. I don't care. One thing to note: Turns out chicken broth can have gluten in it!
So, see that box of College Inn in the background? Don't buy it. And definitely don't buy
three of them to go with your three breasts.

Every turkey needs gravy. Unfortunately most aren't GF. I prefer brown beef gravy over
tan turkey gravy and got a mix from McCormick. Then, I realized one packet wasn't enough
so I added more Kitchen Basics GF stock and Cup for Cup GF flour, and baby portobello mushrooms.  

This GF stuffing with sausage, apples, onions, celery, dried cranberries and sage was really, really good.
I didn't follow a recipe here, but I recommend getting Schar GF sandwich bread and
cutting it into cubes. And Jones pork sausage. And more GF stock. The rest takes care of itself.

I could lick the screen right now. This is a sweet potato gratin with sage and smoked gouda.
And it is my new favorite side dish. I also made a heaping pile of buttery masted potatoes,
but you know what that looks like.

This is a roasted veggie dish I made out of guilt from all those starchy sides. It's rainbow
carrots, parsnips, squash and cipollini onions, but you could use anything here. I got tired,
so I didn't mix them with maple, bacon, and pecans. But if I had, it would have looked like this.

Speaking of starchy sides, I made cheesy stovetop mac & cheese, using my own recipe,
but with Barilla GF elbow macaroni and GF flour instead. Side note: This also freezes pretty well.
Put individual portions in Gladware, freeze, then when you want one, microwave for about 6 minutes,
stirring every 2. Add a few splashes of milk along the way to make it super creamy again.

I guess pumpkin or pecan is a more traditional holiday pie, but I love apple. I couldn't find
GF pie crust and I hate to bake so I didn't make my own. Instead, I used these ramekins
to make individual apple pie crisps with Comstock's apple pie filling. I ground up some
Schar graham crackers with butter to make a crust and added brown sugar topping.

Betty Crocker makes GF yellow cake mix so I whipped up a batch of cupcakes too. I'll be honest,
of all the GF goodies, this one has a bizarre texture, but if you add in the vanilla extract like they
recommend, it tastes pretty much the same. And regular frosting works here because
it never had gluten to begin with. Sweet.

Finally, a holiday feast isn't complete without leftovers. Here's a turkey salad I made
with cheddar & gouda cheeses, roasted pecans, pears, and red grapes.

Ok, now I'm hungry.

Do you have any gluten-free go-to recipes? Share them below...


tags: food, holidays, recipes

The Loveseat Potato Is Back

Fall TV is in full swing but I... I mean, the Loveseat Potato... likes to bag a few episodes of each new show before passing judgment.

It's takes a while for this potato to really cook!

Of course, that means that by the time you read this, some of these shows have been cancelled and others are ready for their winter break. It also means that if you aren't already watching the spuds below, you should fire up your on-demand and catch up!

I started these reviews in 2009 and followed up in 2010 with a fascinating (ahem) account of my DVR schedule juggling act. Mrs. Potato Head made a guest appearance in 2011.  The Loveseat Potato was born (picked? harvested?) in 2012.  In 2013, she found a spuddy buddy to watch along.

Now, she's got 7 potato pets that look suspiciously like cats. (This isn't a glimpse into my future...right?)

This year, she watched 35 different shows for you.  So without further delay, chew on this...

BEST NEW COMEDY
SPUD: Jane the Virgin (CW)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:  It's the classic story of a girl (Jane) who's gyno accidentally pops a fertilized egg into her uterus, so she gets knocked up.  That's a bit of a wrinkle because she's still got her V-card, and has been saving it for her marriage to a cop, who, as luck would have it, is investigating the baby daddy & mommy.  If Ugly Betty, Gilmore Girls and Melrose Place had a baby it would be this show.

Honorable mention goes to: Manhattan Love Story (ABC -- CANCELLED), Black-ish (ABC), Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (Bravo -- premieres on 12/2)

DUDS: Marry Me (NBC -- I want so badly to like this one, but I don't), Selfie (ABC -- CANCELLED -- John Cho: take heart, this was a mercy killing), Bad Judge (NBC -- CANCELLED), A to Z (NBC -- CANCELLED), The McCarthy's (CBS)

BEST NEW DRAMA:
SPUD: The Affair (Showtime)

WHY IT'S A SMASH: A much-needed escape after the intensity of Homeland on Sunday nights.  Sure, it centers on a steamy affair between 2 married cheaters, but what's cool is that each episode tells the same story first from his POV, then from hers. There's also a mystery woven in.  Plus, the theme song from Fiona Apple is pretty great.  Only thing that bugs me is that this is set in Montauk & Brooklyn but there's not a single NY accent to be found.  Then, I remember Pacey is in this too and all is forgiven.

Honorable mention goes to: Gracepoint (FOX), Stalker (CBS  -- Joss Whedon + creepy 80s songs at the end of every episode + Dylan McDermott = good TV), Scorpion (CBS)

DUDS: Madam Secretary (CBS -- nobody can possibly believe this premise and Tea Leoni is woefully mis-cast), Gotham (FOX -- I think I just don't like Batman), Constantine (NBC), Forever (ABC), The Mysteries of Laura (NBC -- Debra Messing is the least believable lady cop in history), How to Get Away With Murder (ABC -- see below for more)

BEST NEW REALITY:
SPUD: My Crazy Love (Oxygen)

WHY IT'S A SMASH: This show is totally ridiculous, and that's why I like it. A seemingly sane person (who may or may not be an actor) speaks to us via a webcam about the crazy things they've done for love while actual bad actors re-enact the story. So far, somebody pretended to be deaf for 7 months, lied about moving to LA to get her boyfriend to propose and instead went to live with her parents, killed a possum on a first date, got a tooth knocked out while pretending to be a basketball star to impress a colleague, and got arrested for stalking (they later married).  How can you not watch this?

Honorable mention goes to: The Jenni Garth Project (HGTV), Love Prison (A&E -- CANCELLED -- it was like an accident, can't look, can't look away), Married at First Sight (FYI)

DUDS: Manzo'd with Children (Bravo -- the whole premise is off because the sons live in my apt building not at home with mama), Slednecks (MTV), Euros of Hollywood (Bravo), Utopia (FOX -- CANCELLED)

BEST NEW COOKING OR COMPETITION:
SPUD: Hungry Games (Food Network)

WHY IT'S A SMASH:
This show is all about the connection your brain has with your tastebuds. Richard Blais is like a hipper Alton Brown.  He's relaxed a bit since his days as a contestant on Top Chef, and is pretty entertaining to watch.  So far, they've investigated and experimented with ice cream, pizza, burgers, diners, bar food, and BBQ.  Plus, the cherry on top is that I feel smarter afterwards because it's chock-filled with fun facts.

Honorable mention goes to: Nail'd It (Oxygen -- for obvious reasons)

DUDS: Food Truck Face Off (Food Network -- I've fallen asleep 3x during this show -- sorry Jesse Palmer, but zzzzzzzz.....), Fix My Choir (Oxygen), Project Runway: Threads (Lifetime), Kitchen Inferno (Food Network), Holiday Baking Championship (Food Network)

MOST DISAPPOINTING SHOW OF THE FALL SEASON:
DUD: How to Get Away with Murder (ABC)

WHY IT'S A ROTTEN POTATO: Of all the new shows, this was the one that looked the best. Shonda Rimes?  Viola Davis?  Murder?  Hellooooo...sign me up!  The premise is simple enough.  A lawyer/law professor's husband is killed -- did she do it and if so, can she get away with it?  Here's the thing: My head must be filled with mashed potatoes because I can't seem to follow this dumb show. It flips around in time with no warning so I never know what day it is or who knows what.  She makes no sense either -- how can someone be a ruthless barracuda in the courtroom and SUCH a complete basketcase in her life? And I'm totally distracted by one of the students who looks exactly like C. Thomas Howell in the ill-conceived 80's embarassment: Soul Man.  Every week I vow I'm going to stop watching and every week the promo for next week's episode pulls me in -- the commercials I understand. But I'm honestly at the point where I don't care who killed her husband.  I hope it was her and she goes to jail.  The End.


Agree?  Disagree?  See something I missed?  Put the DVR on pause and comment below...


tags: entertainment

The Best Pasta Salad I've Ever Eaten

I've gone gluten-free. So anything made with wheat = no bueno.

It's been about 4 months and it's actually going pretty good.  I started because I heard it helps reduce inflammation.  Knowing myself, I needed something like this that could be more of a lifestyle change than a true diet (though I have lost about 20lbs in the process!).  Apparently, going vegan is even better to bring down swelling, but I could never, ever give up dairy. 

My middle name is Cheese.  And also, TV.  And also, Michelle.

Subconsciously, I think it was a way for me to control SOMETHING when my health was on a bottomless downward spiral.  Truth is, though, even now that I've rebounded I don't mind the restrictions.

Mostly.

I never really noticed before, but GF substitutes are everywhere! From grocery stores to restaurants, it's pretty easy to stay on track because everybody who's anybody is swapping wheat for rice. You learn about new brands like Udi's, Van's, and Glutino but even Ronzoni, Bisquick and Betty Crocker have jumped in the ring.

Gluten's kinda sneaky (FACT: it lurks in soy sauce).  You'd be surprised what never had gluten to begin with and is totally ok to eat.  Like, Cheetos (FACT: they are delicious). When I do fall off the gluten wagon, it's usually for fluffy pancakes, crispy pizza, crusty bagels, or a cozy bowl of pasta.

But that's not my fault, that's Science.

Anyway, I've been eating lots of salads.  Do you know what my favorite kind of salad used to be?  Pasta salad!  Let me be clear: not nasty supermarket counter mayonnaise-y elbow macaroni pasta salad.  Fancy pasta salad.

The best I've ever had was at a restaurant in Scottsdale, AZ, called Cowboy Ciao.  They're famous for their Stetson Salad, and for good reason: it's savory and sweet and crunchy and creamy and super addictive. So much so, that when I came home, I HAD to recreate it -- and make it even better with more of the things I like.

Next time I cheat, it will totally be with this here cowboy...


THE STETSON CHOPPED SALAD

TIME: 10 minutes cook time, 30 minutes prep time

SERVES: 4 people once, or a single gal for 4 nights

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 cups of Israeli couscous (if you find a GF kind, let me know!)
• 4oz of smoked salmon
• A handful of grape tomatoes, quartered
• 1 can of corn nibblets, drained
• A few tbsps of sunflower seeds
• A handful of dried cranberries (or Craisins or Plum Amazins)
• Shredded asiago cheese 
• Guacamole ranch dressing (as much as you like)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Go shopping for all this stuff -- and find a more economical way to do it than I did.  It cost me $34.62, and I didn't even care. Yep, this is THAT good.  Also, I mis-manage my money so my tolerance for overspending is quite high.
2. Come home and make the couscous according to whatever the box says.  Make sure you get the Israeli kind that looks like pasta pearls, not the tiny kind that looks like seedy sand.  They will probably tell you to toast the couscous, then boil and drain it.  Feel free to skip the toast part -- I never have the energy for that step and it still tastes just fine.
3. Lay the couscous in a bed at the bottom of deep dish bowl and let it cool off.  Later, you'll be making stripey layers on top of the couscous with each of the ingredients.  This may seem unnecessary, but it is not.  Organized food tastes better.
4. Chop up the smoked salmon.  This is the best part of the salad.  If you don't like salmon, get over it.  It's the bacon of the sea.  If you do, it's up to you how much to spend here, but since you'll be eating it with a whole bunch of other stuff, no one will know if you buy the cheaper packaged kind.
5. Cut all the grape tomatoes into fourths so the pieces are small and will blend in with the rest of the chopped salad.  If you can't find grape, use cherry and cut into eighths, but beware those have more greenish oozy tomato guts inside.
6. Open (and drain) the can of corn, the dried fruit, the cheese, and the sunflower seeds.  Feel free to substitute anything you want here, but you're looking for a mix of sweet (corn), sweet chewy (fruit), salty (cheese), and salty crunchy (seeds).  Also, use these in any amount you like.  I added measurements because this is a recipe, but the truth is I never use them when I cook.  Or assemble pretty salads.
7. Remember those stripey layers I mentioned in Step 3?  Now's the time to make them.  Start with the salmon down the center and build out from there.  You should be able to fit 7 in total, including one for a peek at the couscous that lies underneath.
8. Now bring this to the table and let your friends and family oooh and ahhh.  Take a victory lap. You earned it!  Incidentally, this is how they do it in the restaurant, too.
9. Last step is to mix it all up, tableside. Pour the creamy guacamole ranch dressing on top and go to town.  Yes, I said, "creamy," as in fatty -- skinny cooks can't be trusted.  If you can't find the guacamole kind of ranch, get some guacamole and mix it with some good old-fashioned ranch.  It's really not complicated.
10. Now chow down. Shouting "Yee Haw!" with a mouthful of food is 100% optional. You should probably chew and swallow first.

So, is a salad really a salad if it doesn't contain anything green? 

And can you seriously not wait to make this at home?  Go!  Do it.  Then mosey on over to the comments and tell me how it was.


tags: food

Dear Ikea,

We had some sweet times together, didn't we?

Remember how I frolicked through the long, winding aisles of your stores in Elizabeth and Paramus, leaving no corner or unpronounceable product unexplored?  Recall, those cozy afternoons spent between the pages of your glossy annual catalog?  Think back to the days I lovingly assembled Markor, Hemnes, Billy, Ingolf, Lack, and some other guys I can't remember the names of?

I think I still have the wrenches.

Well, Ikea, it pains me to say it, but I'm through with you!  Our 20-year love affair is O-V-E-R. 

You're dumped. 

It all started innocently enough.  Back in August, I was looking for a few more pieces of furniture for my new apartment, and of course I went straight to you.  Why wouldn't I?  You're economical, stylish, durable (I've moved 6x!), and I take a special pride in building furniture with my own two hands. 

You make me feel like the Swedish lovechild of Michelangelo, IM Pei, and Frank Lloyd Wright!

But since I needed 2 dressers for the bedroom PLUS a console for the foyer AND a desk/decorative cabinet for the living/dining room, I figured a solo trip to the store with a rented van was ill-advised.  So, I decided to order online and go for the convenient home delivery service you promote everywhere.

Mistake #1.

First, no matter how many times I visit your site, you never remember that I'm in the US.  Why?  That's pretty basic info, easily cookied.  Ok, maybe you want me to work for it.  So I clicked around and found about $900 worth of furniture, that I whittled down to $400 (aka a dresser and a desk) in an effort to be sensible.

(You should also know your online shopping experience was a bit clunky and Ask Anna is totally useless.)

I went to checkout, and added another $100 for home delivery bringing my total to roughly $500.  I entered my credit card.  I chose a delivery date (September 2nd, a Tuesday).  I got a confirmation number.  AND an email!  Great, I thought.  My furniture was on the way. 

Then, I waited.

Mistake #2.

The whole week passed and no delivery. So on that Friday morning I phoned you.  I got bounced around from post-sales to pre-sales and back to post only to find out I really needed to speak with the fraud department.  Apparently, my order had been flagged -- though nobody bothered to send an email, or make a call, or fling an ABBA record at my head to let me know. 

How could I have a confirmation number AND delivery date if this order was flagged as fraud?

(And don't even get me STARTED on all these hackers ripping off our credit card numbers. C'mon, gigantic banks and big box stores... get it together.  Some scruffy joker with an Acer he grabbed from a dumpster behind Radio Shack is eating your lunch.  And mine.)

Anyway, this Scooby Doo riddle took 45 minutes, which made me late for work, so I couldn't hop into the Mystery Machine to figure it out.  She offered to call me back.

I said ok.

Mistake #3.

Obviously, nobody called.  Which is baffling to me!  Was that bozo Anna hogging the phone again?  Nobody in your WHOLE company feels like following up on a $500 order?  Is the road to riches SO paved with Swedish meatballs and lingonberry sauce that you don't really NEED my money?

You played hard to get, which is my Achilles heel (you know me so well). A week later, I called customer service.  AGAIN.

Mistake #4.

I went down the automated path and got disconnected.  Twice.

Et tu, Ikea?

Eventually, I spoke to someone, who verified that yes, I had placed an order.  But she was predictably unconcerned that said order was languishing in this Bermuda Triangle between a confirmation number, a delivery date and a fake fraud flag.  And apparently the crack accounting team was once again hard at work because nobody could come to the phone. 

At this point, I told you to keep your furniture where the midnight sun don't shine.

Since then, I went to Amazon.  And Overstock.  And bought all 4 pieces of furniture.  With FREE shipping.  For the price of 81 sacks of frozen Kottbullar (also known as $700).

See ya never, Ingvar Kamprad.  I'm getting my Allen wenches elsewhere.

Signed,
Your Former #1 Furniture Fan


tags: rants, shopping

New View

Remember when I mentioned I was moving?  Well, I did! 

Goodbye Big Apple, hello Garden State. 

I spent the first 5 years of my life in the Bronx, and the last 6 years in Manhattan.  And I liked it!  But let's face it, it's not like I was out at da club every night.  Or any night.  Ever. 

Aside from my easy breezy commute and delivery of absolutely anything to my doorstep, I don't know that I took advantage of all NYC had to offer, and that's on me.  But I don't have the free time, the wardrobe, or the energy to keep pace with the city that never sleeps.

I do know this: It feels good to be home. 

And probably not a minute too soon, as a lingering black mold situation in my old apt was probably killing me.  Or at the very least was "the match that lit a flame in my immune system," according to one of the docs I saw.

Anyhoo... my new digs are nicer, newer, 50% bigger, $600/mo. cheaper, and 100% more Jersey.  Yeah.  I may need my head examined next. 

Why didn't I do this YEARS ago?

Oh, and did I mention my view?  Remember my old view?  Now, this is what you'd see if you were standing on my terrace.  Not too shabby, right?  Come over sometime and I'll grill you up a juicy burger!

I've always said New York looks prettiest from New Jersey.  And when I'm not working, I can still keep an eye on her, but live in peace and quiet across the river.  Win win. 

With all this savings, I may even get a car again!  You didn't think I would actually SAVE the money, like, in a bank account, so I could buy a place and stop flushing $ down the toilet on rent -- did you? 

Silly.

So, a few days ago this blog officially had its six year anniversary.  Sadly, I've been blogging FAR less than I would like to, but I still love the old girl just the same.  And I love YOU for still reading it!  I know it's been a little stale lately.  Ok, ok, okaaaay.  A lot stale. 

I'm sure I will get inspired by my new view...

Now, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013, here's a fond look back:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
253

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
1.9 (down from 3.2 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
282 (up from 245 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
1,490 (up from 1,071 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever:
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
Facelift (July 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)
Time (November 2010)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Dear Verizon
Spring Fling

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Rejected Candy Hearts
Jingle All the Way

Most Comments:
Dear Rheumatoid Arthritis

Most Popular Poll:
I Heart Rodolphe Lindt (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead -- soon I'll update you on why I'm in a big fat fight with Ikea, and Fall TV is finally back, so the Loveseat Potato can't be far behind.

Thanks (as always) for reading!

PS: I took this pic one night outside my building, I think it's time to update the header...

tags: city life, health, holidays, jersey, writing

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry...

Well, today's my birthday.  And guess what?  A wish came true!  Turns out, I don't actually have Rheumatoid Arthritis!

Instead I have loads more horrible stuff. 

I won't bore you with all the nitty gritty deets, but basically my body is attacking my muscles, and my lungs and liver are inflamed.  My joints just got caught in the crossfire.

So, after 50+ blood tests, x-rays, cat scans, an allergic reaction to a malaria drug, and a couple of months where I've been sicker than I've ever been (x10), I finally have a diagnosis everybody agrees on. 

I think. 

And some meds.

Five days ago, I started on steroids.  Like the maximum amount any human can take to try and knock this shit out of my body. 

I'll be on overdrive for at least a month, and then they'll taper it down over the next few months after that. Then, the immunosuppressants kick in. This, of course, is very bad for you and has lots of fun side effects including gaining weight. 

Nobody can tell me if this will actually fix things (silly rabbit).  Maybe it will go into remission, or maybe I'll have flare-ups forever. It's anybody's guess. 

For now, it's the meds. 

So, I'm dealing with it the best way I know how -- through self-deprecating humor.  I've given this some serious thought.  If given the choice of how to handle my personal brand of  'Roid Rage, I'd prefer to channel the 70's-style Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk with those bad blue contacts, spotty green body paint, and torn up cut-off jean shorts. 

Now, when I bulk out and Hulk out, you'll know why.

Before I go stomp on a village, just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's reached out to me recently.  Your comments, texts, emails, phone calls, lunches, dinners, and hugs have warmed my little green heart.


tags: health, holidays, rants