Nine

What do these things have in common?
-- Clouds
-- Cat's Lives
-- Circles of Hell
-- Justices on the Supreme Court

If you guessed the number 9, you're super smart and my favorite person in the whole wide world!

You know what else is 9?  This blog.

I've legit never done anything consistently for a 9 year span besides be a daughter, sister, friend, and toothbrusher.  No job, relationship, or hobby ever lasted this long.

I guess I must like it.

Not enough, of course, to find the time to do it as much as I should, buuut... ya know.

Anyway, as we've done in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016 let's take a look back at the last year...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
302

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
0.7 (down from 0.9 last year -- UGH... I really suck)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
619 (up from 402 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
3,140 (up from 2,705 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
Farewell, Crawleys (March 2016)
Which Christmas Cookie Are You? (December 2015)
Grease Is the Word (January 2016)
Dear Stores that Close on Thanksgiving (November 2015)
A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast (December 2014)
Freedom (July 2016)
Election Eve (November 2016)
New View (September 2014)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Elf on the Shelf Is My Homie
All Lathered Up
Choose Your Words

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Women Who Rock

Most Comments:
All Lathered Up

Most Popular Poll:
I didn't do any this year.  Poo.
Up in the Air (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating

Lastly, I think I'll add a NEW category...

My Favorite Post I Wrote This Year:
My Rock & Roll Hall of Fame -- it was really fun going down music memory lane


Next on deck will be the Loveseat Potato's annual review of new Fall TV shows (warning: pickins are slim), I think I'll give this blog a facelift, and I just might share a secret...

Thanks (as always) for reading!

Choose Your Words

This weekend I've been getting shit done.

Errands mostly.  Some important.  Some annoying.  But it just feels good to check these things off a list!

So, I went for blood work and I got my teeth cleaned (the dentist also told me I need a root canal -- crap).  I got my taxes done.  I stopped the cable box inside my closet from beeping (no thanks to Verizon).  And I returned a leather jacket, a rain jacket, wedges and a pair of sneakers because apparently, I am the Goldilocks of late night online shopping.

My to-do list is to-done.

Another thing that's been nagging at me is writing a new blog post.  I guess I just haven't felt super creative lately. But I'm jumping back in right now with a post on... words.

Words?  Yes, words.

Stick with me for a sec.

Whenever I write a post, it generally takes me about 20 mins to bang out whatever I want to say.  But then, I spend another hour or so choosing my words.  I read it, and reread it, tightening it up as I go.  Looking for a better way to turn a phrase.  Finding the best lines to emphasize.  Spellchecking.

In honor of this process, I've come up with a list of words I hate and why they stink so bad.  Here are the 6 cringeworthiest words in the English language:

1. MOIST. This one is universally hated -- that's not me, that's science.
2. SOIL. Ick.  Just say shit or crap or dirt.  Much less offensive.
3. YOLK.  This one is personal.  I despise eggs and everything about them.
4. PHLEGM. Fun to spell, disgusting to say.  And every time I see this goopy spit on a sidewalk, it makes me want to cover it in vomit. 
5. PANTIES. I feel like a pervert even typing it. Just ew.
6. OINTMENT. Nothing good can come from needing to use this. I want no part of it.

While we're at it, here are 6 words I find just plain annoying:

1. LITERALLY. Using this word is literally the worst because it's never followed by something literal. As such, it is also a clear signal someone is exaggerating.
2. ARTISINAL. I believe it is Latin for pretentious asshole.
3. WHILST. An email I received last week used this ridiculous word. Then I saw they were British. And I was like... ok.
4. VAJAYJAY. This nonsense is actually in the DICTIONARY.  Make it stop before my head explodes.
5. IRREGARDLESS. Not really a word.
6. SUPPOSIBLY. Definitely not a word. If you say this, we can't be friends anymore.  Literally.

Ah, that's better.  Let's end on a high note with 6 words I love:

1. KERFUFFLE. My favorite word for a fuss or a disagreement.
2. DEBACLE. When kerfuffle isn't enough to do justice to the disaster at hand.
3. SHITSHOW.  The perfect storm of everything gone wrong.  A situation that's so chaotic and insane it's practically entertainment.
4. NUGGET. My favorite way to describe something small and adorable.
5. WONKY or JANKY. My favorite way to describe something effed up without offending anyone.
6. TCHOTCHKE. While I have no need for cheap trinkets, this one is fun to say AND fun to blow people's minds when they realize it's not spelled chachki.

So, what are YOUR favorite words?  Choose your own below.

And don't say fuck.  That's obvious.


tags: rants, writing

#TeamJen

So, it turns out this here blog turned EIGHT last month, and I didn't post about it.

Sure, I thought about it.  But that doesn't count.

I didn't make the time to mark the occasion because work's been super hectic, and I've been traveling a ton, and the dog ate my homework, and blah, blah, blah.

Since I was in LA for my birthday, I discovered that Snapchat filters can make anyone look cuter and younger than they actually are (see: Bambi).  I went viral on Twitter.  I also went to FL (twice), plus Chicago, and Austin for the first time, which was pretty cool.  I'd been to Dallas and Houston and San Antonio before but never Austin.

It's like the Brooklyn of Texas.

I could almost see myself living there.  I mean, I enjoy their BBQ brisket, and their state pride, and their tall, handsome men who still hold doors and say "bless you" when you sneeze.  I can even handle the accent (sort of).  But they can keep their goofy hats.

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling pretty introspective lately.  Taking stock of where I'm at and what I'm missing.  So before I take a look back at the past year, I'm going to make a commitment -- in public -- so I can't take it back.

From now on, first and foremost, I'm going to be #TeamJen.

For most of my life, I've put off things I wanted to do for myself.  Okaaaay, I can already hear you laughing.

I'm the world's most comfortable martyr.

Yes.  I treat myself all the time.  And have a $1,000 handbag, an apt overlooking the NYC skyline, and a shiny black BMW to prove it.  #SorryNotSorry.  I work HARD for the money!

But there's a difference between being comfortable and being content.  I always let life and work get in the way of things that might actually make me happy. And hellooooo, what the heck am I waiting for?  Till I feel like my old self?  Truth is, I may never be that girl again.

And I'm 43 for eff's sake -- ticktock, ticktock!

So, over the next few months, I'm going to try and work a little less and live a little more.  We'll see where that leads... but I hope you'll come along for the ride.

Now, as I've done in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015, let's take a look back at the last year...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
286

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
0.9 (down from 1.2 last year -- UGH... I suck)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
402 (up from 355 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
2,705 (up from 2,213 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Facelift (July 2010)
The Great Pop Tart Pop Off (October 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
The Loveseat Potato Fries Up Fall TV, 2015 Style
Farewell, Crawleys
Tales From Uber

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Dear Stores That Close on Thanksgiving
Put Me In, Coach

Most Comments:
Which Christmas Cookie Are You?

Most Popular Poll:
Grease Is the Word (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Next on deck will be the Loveseat Potato's annual review of Fall TV shows (maybe this year she'll actually choose some winners!), and a post on my all-time favorite bands.

In the meantime, snack on this -- it's my favorite commercial right now.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: commercials, holidays, travel, writing

Lucky 7

I kind of can't believe it, but this here blog just turned 7. I can think of very few things I've done for 7 years straight.  I guess I must like it!

But the last 12 months were a mixed bag. I was pretty sick with something I'll now live with forever. Boo hoo. I moved back home to the Jerz, where I really belong. Woo hoo! I'm officially old enough to have a 20th college reunion. Boo hoo. It was actually a blast (without drinking). Woo hoo! I did a ton of traveling, and somehow never took a vacation. Boo hoo. I was able to bring my whole family home to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. Woo hoo!

You get the idea...

I hope year 7 will be lucky.  I could use some of that.  And I hope I find more time to share it with you.  In the meantime, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014, here's a look back at the past year:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
276

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
1.2 (down from 1.9 last year -- UGH... Must. Get. Better)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
355 (up from 282 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
2,213 (up from 1,490 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Tie between Google Search and Direct Bookmarks (last year it was Pinterest)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever (in order of popularity):
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
Facelift (July 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)
The Great Pop Tart Pop Off (October 2010)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Dear Ikea
50 Shades of Peeps
The End of an Era
Mind the Gap

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Super Bowl Ad Showdown
The Best Pasta Salad I've Ever Eaten

Most Comments:
A Gluten-Free Holiday Feast

Most Popular Poll:
Up in the Air (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead: Soon I'll update you on my experience with the new shopping site Jet.com and explain why I have a fun-house face.  Plus, the most wonderful time of the year -- Fall TV -- is finally here, so the Loveseat Potato & friends can't be far behind.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: writing

New View

Remember when I mentioned I was moving?  Well, I did! 

Goodbye Big Apple, hello Garden State. 

I spent the first 5 years of my life in the Bronx, and the last 6 years in Manhattan.  And I liked it!  But let's face it, it's not like I was out at da club every night.  Or any night.  Ever. 

Aside from my easy breezy commute and delivery of absolutely anything to my doorstep, I don't know that I took advantage of all NYC had to offer, and that's on me.  But I don't have the free time, the wardrobe, or the energy to keep pace with the city that never sleeps.

I do know this: It feels good to be home. 

And probably not a minute too soon, as a lingering black mold situation in my old apt was probably killing me.  Or at the very least was "the match that lit a flame in my immune system," according to one of the docs I saw.

Anyhoo... my new digs are nicer, newer, 50% bigger, $600/mo. cheaper, and 100% more Jersey.  Yeah.  I may need my head examined next. 

Why didn't I do this YEARS ago?

Oh, and did I mention my view?  Remember my old view?  Now, this is what you'd see if you were standing on my terrace.  Not too shabby, right?  Come over sometime and I'll grill you up a juicy burger!

I've always said New York looks prettiest from New Jersey.  And when I'm not working, I can still keep an eye on her, but live in peace and quiet across the river.  Win win. 

With all this savings, I may even get a car again!  You didn't think I would actually SAVE the money, like, in a bank account, so I could buy a place and stop flushing $ down the toilet on rent -- did you? 

Silly.

So, a few days ago this blog officially had its six year anniversary.  Sadly, I've been blogging FAR less than I would like to, but I still love the old girl just the same.  And I love YOU for still reading it!  I know it's been a little stale lately.  Ok, ok, okaaaay.  A lot stale. 

I'm sure I will get inspired by my new view...

Now, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013, here's a fond look back:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
253

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
1.9 (down from 3.2 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
282 (up from 245 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
1,490 (up from 1,071 last year)

Most Traffic Comes From:
Pinterest

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever:
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
20 Apps I Adore (January 2012)
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
How the Hell is John Stamos 50? (August 2013)
Let Them Eat Jelly Beans (February 2011)
Facelift (July 2010)
Leftovers (November 2012)
Time (November 2010)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Dear Verizon
Spring Fling

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Rejected Candy Hearts
Jingle All the Way

Most Comments:
Dear Rheumatoid Arthritis

Most Popular Poll:
I Heart Rodolphe Lindt (this year)
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken) (all-time)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead -- soon I'll update you on why I'm in a big fat fight with Ikea, and Fall TV is finally back, so the Loveseat Potato can't be far behind.

Thanks (as always) for reading!

PS: I took this pic one night outside my building, I think it's time to update the header...

tags: city life, health, holidays, jersey, writing

Me Time

(Note: This is a sponsored post for SheKnows Experts Among Us, but the me time is all my own.)

I'm in serious need of some "me time."

You'd think because I'm single, and I don't have any kids, or a yard to rake, and just the one job, that I'd have sweet, sweet me time coming out my ears. 

But I don't.

What I might REALLY need is a lesson in time management, but that's not the point of this post.  Between work, and travel, and life, and my mildly unhealthy obsession with TV, there simply aren't enough hours in my day. 

I suppose sleeping is the ultimate me time, but I prefer to be conscious when I'm relaxing.

It's going to be a while before I can get lost again in a new Ikea catalogue, so here are 5 more ways I'd like to escape from the everyday: 

Anywhere Me Time: Writing
You might recall, I started this blog in 2008 as a way to get back into writing novels (ok, manuscripts that wish to grow into published novels one day).  But I actually wound up loving blogging for blogging's sake.  A novel is a commitment.  A blog post is a fling.  That's more my speed these days.   

At Home Me Time: Painting My Nails
I should seriously have my head examined for the amount I spend on nail polish.  You might think I was a 13 year old girl, but then you'd quickly realize a 13 year old girl could never earn enough in babysitting money to afford a collection like mine.  It's impossible for me to leave CVS without a new shade (Sally Hansen is my BFF) and don't even get me started about my bi-weekly trips to Sephora (I'm currently cheating on Butter London with Marc Jacobs, shhhhh). I find professional manicures thoroughly uncomfortable, but painting my own fingers and piggies is delightful.

In the Air Me Time: Reading a Magazine
You know what I love about JetBlue, besides the legroom, and the snacks, and the TV?  I love the fact that you can't get wifi.  You know what that means?  Hours of unplugged, uninterrupted time to read my all-time fave, Food Network Magazine, cover to beautiful cover.  It's heaven.  I usually also pick up US and Life & Style (which I hide inside the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly).  While everyone else is busy pretending to turn their electronics off by slipping them into the inexplicably insufficient "airplane mode," I'm lost in a story about the RHONJ because you can't power down a magazine.

Out & About Me Time: Grocery Shopping
I'm an advertiser's dream -- I'm crazy brand loyal and yet can't wait to try all kinds of new products.  If a commercial told me toothpaste was a vegetable, I'd probably believe it.  I prefer to go to the grocery store alone so I can take my time and leave no section unexplored.  It's not as fun here in the city (with the exception of Fairway).  I take my REAL grocery me time in the 'burbs, where the aisles are wide and the prices are low.  Beer, wine, Ensure?  I'll take them all.  You never know...

At Work Me Time: An Afternoon Treat
I'm not a coffee drinker.  Or a smoker (gross).  Or a person with Restless Leg Syndrome who needs to get up every 10 minutes.  So I don't often have an excuse to leave my desk during the day, unless I'm headed to a meeting.  But I actually don't need to get up to get away.  There's a tiny chocolate escape that lives in my desk drawer and calls my name around 4pm.  Can you hear it too?  Right now, I'm pretty partial to Lindt LINDOR Caramel Milk Chocolate Truffles.  They're a smooth and creamy trip for my taste buds.  In fact, I just might have to eat one now.  Ok, two.  Alriiight...maybe three.


So, how do YOU find me time?  List your favorite ways below, and then go do them! 

Unless reading my blog is part of your me time ritual, in which case, please read on.  Who am I to stand between you and sheer literary pleasure?


tags: beauty, food, shopping, travel, writing

Knock on Wood

Yoo hoo!  Remember me?!

It's probably not obvious from my recent showing... but I really DO love to blog.  I love it so much I created 2 others.  One for travel, one for beauty. 

But this random mish-mash of stuff that's happening in my life is my first love.  And it just turned 5.

FIVE!  That's the anniversary for wood!

I love brown things!

Anyway, as I did in 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012, here's a fond look back:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
230

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
3.2 (down from 3.6 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
245 (up from 142 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
1,071 (up from 853 last year)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever:
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest (December 2012)
Comfort Food in a Storm (October 2012)
Seven Strikes (May 2009)
Federal Unreserved (February 2011)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Leftovers
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Pinterest
Comfort Food in a Storm
Crystal Light Flavor Faceoff
Girls

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
I Am Not a Wen Girl
12
Let's Meet the Pope
7 Dream Jobs

Most Comments (tie):
Another Night at the Roxbury
How the Hell is John Stamos 50?

Most Popular Poll:
Please Fix Voting (It Is Broken)

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Here's a look ahead -- soon I'll update you on why it's a bad idea to buy a gold iPhone at 3am, and it's about time for the Loveseat Potato to make a return appearance.

Thanks (as always) for reading!


tags: writing

A Jersey Girl Loves Her Nails

If you're a dude, you might want to come back next week. I promise to blog about football and beef jerky and other manly stuff.

Today, I'm talking about one of my most favorite things in all the land.

Nail polish.

Remember when I showed you my medicine cabinet full of deodorant?  Well, that was the tiny one.  THIS is the big one.

A few weeks ago, I planned to write a post on some new polishes I'd gotten myself over the holidays (a present for you, a present for me).  Um, I mean, SANTA brought me 5 pretty new shades from Deborah Lippmann and Ciaté.

That quickly became 12.  Which turned into 17.  (He's magic, you know.)

Which brought on the swift realization that I'm a nail polish addict.  Silly me.  A single blog post couldn't possibly contain my enthusiasm!   So I created a brand new blog: 52 Shades of Nail Polish.

I know, I know -- should I really be starting a new blog when I don't update this one enough?

Well... no.   I shouldn't.  But I'm doing it anyway.

After working for the last 12 years in digital, the last 6 of which have been at a company that publishes the world's best beauty and fashion mags, I've learned a thing or two.

Why not put it to work for me?

I paint my nails all the time.  It's peaceful and indulgent, and I'm from Jersey so it's basically in my DNA.  Now, each week I'm taking a quick pic, posting the shade and a short review. I'll be sharing my favorites and trying new techniques, like velvet manicures, at-home gel manicures, and I might even name my own polish.

The blog is well optimized for search, so hopefully I can grab a tiny slice of the 1.2 million Google searches for nail polish that are done in the US each month (incidentally, a $770 million dollar industry, AND the fastest-growing beauty segment).

I also wanted to do some things with the new blog that I don't want to do here -- like include advertising.  So I joined 2 affiliate programs (LinkShare and Commission Junction) and got approved by Kay Jewelers, Starbucks, Vera Bradley, Dylan's Candy Bar, and 1800-Flowers to display their ads.  I also got rejected by a bunch of companies because I'm too small. 

For now.

Then, I joined Amazon Associates and created a store so I could hand-pick nail polishes I like and offer them for sale on my blog.  And because I couldn't possibly endorse Amazon's beauty vendors without sampling them myself, I ordered 2 sets -- aka 24 glorious bottles -- of full-size China Glaze polish, so I now own more neon than I did in the 80's PLUS their entire Hunger Games collection. 

It was a great price, I couldn't resist.  (See?  I told you!  Addict.)

Now, I haven't gone delusional from the fumes.  As much as I love my lacquer, I don't think the road to early retirement in Tahiti is paved with nail polish.  But if the tiny commissions I might earn from the ads and the store could fund my habit, that would be cool by me.

Plus, it's fun.

I'll keep it going for at least a year, so I can post a full 52 shades.  After that, who knows? 

So have YOU been stockpiling nail polish too, or am I the only one who will have great looking hands in the zombie apocalypse?  Have any favorite shades or brands I need to try? 

Colorful comments are always welcome below...


tags: beauty, work, writing

If My Blog Was My Boyfriend...

I'd send him an Edible Arrangement!

Why?

Because this here blog turned FOUR today!  Happy Anniversary, old pal! 

Apparently it is traditional that year 1 is paper, year 2 cotton, year 3 leather, and year 4 is flowers.  Or fruit. 

History is undecided on this one, so I thought I should cover both bases. Since I didn't plan ahead, however, I am NOT noshing on this fresh fruit phenomenon. 

Instead, I've just stuck a giant spatula into a jar of Nutella and scooped out a fudgy hazelnutty blob of deliciousness.  Which I am now licking, trying not to drip any on my keyboard.  I think I also may have a fruit cup of Dole pineapple tidbits in the fridge.

Don't judge.  It's the thought that counts.

Anyhoo, Fall is the time of year that I like to harvest the best and worst of this bad boy.  Like I did in 2009, 2010, and 2011.  So grab your own jar of Nutella, Fluff, peanut butter, whipped cream, or aerosol spray cheese and let's munch on a few stats...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
198

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
3.6 (down from 4.3 last year -- sorry)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
142 (up from 81 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
853 (up from 697 last year)

Most-Read Blog Posts Ever:
Pepe Le Pew (June 2011)
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington (August 2012)
Mamma's Eggplant Parmigiana (May 2011)
Royal Wedding Mania Is Running Wild (April 2011)
Feast-ival (Sept 2010)
Great Pop Tart Pop Off (Oct 2010)
Seven Strikes (May 2009)

Most-Read Blog Posts This Year:
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington
The Office Holiday Party Survival Guide
Dear John Frieda
Your Kind of Town
Stupid Cupid

Posts Nobody Gave a Crap About:
Going for Gold
Flight Plan
Freebies
Volunteers

Most Comments:
Miss Jennifer Goes to Washington

Most Popular Poll:
London Calling

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Entertainment
Food

Most Popular Search by Visitors:
Dating


Looking back, it's clear I need to write more often!  And it looks like YOU are most interested in my dating stories.  Because they are all awful, no doubt.  You know, a good friend told me I should be going on at least one date a month, and he's probably right.  That should give me more material.

Year 5's anniversary will be wood (get your mind out of the gutter!).  At this rate, next year I'll be buying my blog boyfriend a toothpick to clean his hilbilly teeth... or his dentures.   

Soooo, thanks a TON for reading this silly old thing.  I hope it makes you smile!


tags: holidays, writing

Three Candles

If my blog could speak right now, it might channel the immortal Samantha Baker and say, "They effing forgot my birthday."

Uhhh... oops?

Work's been crazy.  It's a full moon.  Mercury is in retrograde.  The dog ate my homework.  And I plain forgot that I wrote my very first post on Sept 14, 2008. 

Bad Jenny.

So, just as I did after the first year, and the second year, it's time to take stock. And, more importantly, to send a heartfelt thanks to everyone who reads my silly ol' blog -- especially YOU.

Now, let's jog on down memory lane...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
166

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
4.3 (down from 4.7 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
81 (up from 62 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
697 (up from 338 last year)

Average Time Spent Per Visit:
3 minutes 18 seconds (down from 4 minutes 47 seconds last year)

Most Read Blog Post (6-way tie):
Time
Memorial Day
Thinking Out Loud
Trick or Treat
Pepe Le Pew
Royal Wedding Mania Is Running Wild

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About (3-way tie):
Fly the Friendly Skies
12 Angry Men
Cable Guy

Most Comments:
Time

Most Popular Poll:
Federal Un-Reserved

Most Frequently-Used Tag for the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors (2-way tie):
Dating
Breakup


So, there you have it.  I'm not sure if it's age-appropriate to spill my guts once a week on topics both trivial and personal, but I don't care.  Truth is, I really do love blogging. 

But I wrestle with how often I should do it.  That's where you come in...

Vote below, Hot Stuff!

poll by twiigs.com

tags: holidays, polls, writing

The Meet Market

The other night, I went to Professor Thom's in the East Village for a book launch party.  My colleague wrote an e-book, soon to be a paperback, called Salary Tutor (check it out -- who among us couldn't use a bigger paycheck?).  As he was introducing his agent and publisher to us, I got to thinking about my own book.

Say what?

Yes, I wrote an unpublished novel AGES ago -- back in 2002, to be exact, when I was just 29 years young.  And all 285 pages have been sitting in a box ever since.  Well, they briefly saw the light of day back in 2009, when I dusted them off to blog an excerpt from one of my favorite chapters. 

But mostly, it's been a life in the box.

Anyway, I went digging in that old box when I got home from the party, and I discovered that even waaay back then, I knew online dating was full of freaks and losers.  Like this guy, this guy, THIS guy, this guy, and most recently, this guy.  And I hadn't even signed up for any dating services at that point in my life, like I did at age 35 or 37. 

But somehow, I just knew.  Behold, snippets from Chapter 20: The Meet Market...


A homely young woman was sitting on her couch, under a crocheted blanket, eating chocolate ice cream straight from the container.  A voiceover declared, "You can eat ice cream on your couch." The next scene showed the same woman, now a sexpot in a French bistro seated across from a gentleman in a tuxedo. "Or you can eat ice cream off your date."  They cut to the woman's face and she winked as he put an ice cream-coated fingertip in her mouth.  The voice said, "You decide," as the words "No More Lonely Nights" scrolled across the screen, with the URL for an online dating site. 


Eventually, the book's main character, Kate (a girl loosely based on me), made the decision to join this dating site.  Unsure how to navigate these unfamiliar waters, she first did a little profile reconnaissance...


Kate came across cutesy screen names like IrishYouPeace and Shiksappeal, nostalgic names like OuttaTime88 and TheOtherDarrinStevens, nasty names like Chitty_Chitty_Gang_Bang and Jenitellya, and creepy names like AshleighsDad and Pastor_Gary. 

In her dating experiences, Kate was a lot like Goldilocks.  Some of the porridge was too cold, some of the beds were too soft, some of the bears were too short.  She'd yet to meet anyone that was "just right."  That seemed as good a screen name as any, so JustWrite29 was born.  In the wee hours of Saturday morning, she posted the following profile:

     JUSTWRITE29 - LOOKING FOR MR. MAYBE
     Cable television talent booker seeking an escape from the single life.  I prefer beer to wine, dinner to dancing, and
     brains to brawn.  You prefer brunettes to blondes, movies to marathons, and sarcasm to slapstick.  If you have also
     run out of friends to hit on, you find yourself bored by the bar scene, and would rather poke yourself in the eye with
     a fork than sit through another fixup, we should probably talk.


It wasn't long before Kate began receiving responses to her new profile...


A small, yellow envelope appeared at the bottom of her computer screen, so she took a detour from reviewing the morning's news stories to reading her email.  There were seven new messages, all a result of the dating profile she just posted.  "This is too easy," Kate said as she waded through the messages. "Come to mama!"  What she quickly realized is the reason it was so easy was because there were a lot of spooky freaks patrolling the information superhighway in the middle of the night, many of whom likely still lived with mama. 

The messages came with photos attached.  She found it funny that someone named PlayLikeAChampionToday was giving a buddy hi-five.  The caption might as well have read: I'm going for the gold in the Douche Olympics.  Bronze simply will not do.  Date_Seeking_Missile promised to take Kate all the way to DEFCON5.  Staring at his picture, Kate made a mental note never to date a man who wore clogs or bathing suits that resembled panties.

Someone named Theres.Something.About.Marty explained that he enjoyed long walks on the beach.  "Yeah, on a leash.  Woof, WOOF," Kate said aloud as she deleted his message.  The hairstyles here were something like she hadn't seen since her high school yearbook.  For the candidate best suited for male pattern baldness, she was torn between LastAmericanSmoker with the moustache and mullet and TKESully82 who looked as though he dove headfirst into a jar of Dippity Don't.


Kate continued wading through messages, until she got to the last one...


The speedy death of her faith in Internet dating culminated with the following glorious proposition:

     TO:                JustWrite29
     FR:                NE_PatsFan11
     DATE:            Saturday, April 5, 2:41AM
     MESSAGE:      i like your butt. can i wear it as a hat?

Without hesitation, she deactivated her online dating profile.  It may have been rash, but she was not prepared to be hit on by losers in the comfort and privacy of her own home.  No sense in meeting men even less mature than the emotional toddlers she'd been dating all her life.  She'd relegate those lame pick-ups and horrible fix-ups to the bars, where they belonged.


See!  All those years ago, I knew even without knowing, that online dating is the pits.  Case in point: about a week ago, one guy decided to jump past the guided communication on eHarmony and deliver me an "icebreaker."  From his profile photos (6 total), he could only be described as a Tank Top Enthusiast.  He sent me the oldest pickup line in the book, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" 

I replied, "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore." 

And then I closed the match.

For every 100 guys like the ones above, there's MAYBE 1 normal one.  If that!  I'm emailing right now with a guy from Long Island who appears totally normal.  The good news is that according to his photos, he has no affinity for sleeveless undershirts and shows no obvious signs of wanting to wear my ass as headgear.  But what do I know?

Now I'm thinking maybe I should read the rest of the manuscript!  It's like a freaking crystal ball!  Who knows what other sage dating advice (online or otherwise) that my young, cute 29 year old self has for my old, haggard 37 year old self?

Stay tuned...


tags: dating, writing

On the Roadi

I recently discovered I've only visited 16 states. 

And I'm not talking a stopover in O'Hare on the way to LAX.  I'm counting states where I've spent at least one night. 

They are: Arizona, California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, Missouri, Nevada, my beloved New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, and Washington DC.

That's 16 states (17 if you count DC) in 37 years.  That's kinda lame, no? 

I thought so too.  Which is why I was psyched when my good friend Jodi came up with a brilliant idea to visit all 50 states!  Not all at once, obviously.  We still have jobs.  And lives (well, at least SHE does).  But once or twice a year, we'll visit someplace new in search of adventure. 

This will keep us busy well into old age... just in time to let our wrinkly bikini bodies loose on all the Caribbean Islands.  Thank God for cruise ships, or we'd have to live to be 120.

Anyway, fate will decide the state we visit next, and YOU can follow along on our new blog, On the Roadi with Jen & Jodi.

We'll even be tweeting from the road(i) so we can instantly share the thrill of finding the world's largest frying pan (in Rose Hill, NC), or feel like giants in Tiny World (in Shippensburg, PA), or show our contribution to the Gum Wall (in Seattle, WA), which would be a fitting pit-stop considering how we first became friends nearly 20 years ago.

We're picking our first destination out of a hat on 1/1/11 from Fairfield, CT, where it all began.  I hope you come along for the ride!

So, how many states have YOU visited?  And have any cool tips on places to see and things to do?  Tell me below!


tags: travel, writing

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Jenny

I recently gave this blog a fresh look so it could feel all pretty for today.

What's so special about today? This blog turns 2 years old!

I started it on Sept 14, 2008, while I was sitting on my couch, reflecting on a bizarre night out with my colleagues. I'd just moved to the city, I needed a hobby, and this seemed as good as any. I thought it would lead me back to doing something with my unpublished novel. But quickly, it took on a life of its own.

I really enjoy blogging. Random topics pop in my head all the time. If I think they might be interesting to you, too, I jot down my thoughts (no matter how ridiculous), and click "publish."  Instant gratification.

Recently, that all changed.

These past few months, writing has been a cathartic activity that helped me get through what was, hands down, the most difficult time of my life. Like therapy, only free. And if you think the posts you read felt personal, you should read the ones I DIDN'T publish. I can't read those myself without crying.

Turning this blog into what was essentially a very public diary helped when it was difficult to speak. From the bottom of my heart, my sincere thanks goes out to all of you who reached out to me. Your friendship is what kept me going.

I'm relieved to say, I've turned a corner. The worst is behind me and I'm back to posting about random things that hopefully make you laugh. Or at least smile.

Anyway, I like to take stock each year and see how the blog is doing. As you'll see, this one's been a rollercoaster.  Thanks for coming along for the ride...

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):
114

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:
4.7 (down from 6.3 last year)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:
62 (up from 35 last year)

Average Pageviews Per Month:
338 (up from 273 last year)

Average Time Spent Per Visit:
4 minutes 47 seconds (up from 3 minutes 23 seconds last year)

Most Read Blog Post (3-way tie):
Off the Market
Joy to the World
Let You Down

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About (4-way tie):
The Rachel
The Skunkies
Dear Santa...
More Cowbell

Most Comments:
Let You Down

Most Popular Poll:
M&M (&M&M&M&M&M)

Most Frequently-Used Tag For the Posts I Write:
Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors (2-way tie):
Breakup
Getting Married


As we head into year 3 of this "hobby," I'd love to hear what you want me to blog about.  So don't be shy, vote below!

poll by twiigs.com

 
tags: holidays, polls, writing

Facelift

So Blogger tells me that this is my 100th post. 

Huh. 

Feels like there should be more, right?  I've been at this for almost 2 years.  So that's like once a week, tops.  I guess I blog just about as much as I floss.  (Which apparently isn't often enough because my dentist told me at my last cleaning that I have a cavity.  Somebody's asleep on the job and I don't think his name is Oral B.) 

Anyhoo... I'm really enjoying blogging again, but I've grown tired of this design, so I'm officially retiring the old look in favor of something new.  Seems to be a theme in my life lately.

So, what do you think?

poll by twiigs.com

Oh, and a disclaimer: I didn't like the templates Blogger had already built in, so I grabbed some code off the internet, and then hacked around on the parts I wanted to change.  For instance, this template used to be fire-engine red.  If it's wonky at all, I apologize. I also code HTML about as well as I floss.

Happy Blog-iversary

Well, I’ve been at it for exactly a year.

Blogging, that is.

It all started on a bizarre night at The Box, when I was hit with the distinct, swirly feeling that I wasn’t in Kansas, err... Pine Brook... anymore. And a blog was born.

As you know, this was my easy-breezy way to get back into writing, so I could eventually turn my attention back to my scary manuscript. But the reality is, I’ve had a ton of fun just blogging for blogging’s sake (although I don’t do it as often as I should -- bad Jenny!).

Even better, a couple of people out there actually read this thing! Probably even YOU. So hopefully, you’ve had some fun along the way too. (I especially love it when you leave me comments... hint, HINT.)

The one-year mark seems about the right time to peek under the hood and kick the tires. So, here’s a look at the blog's numbers, according to my good friend, The Google:

Total Posts I've Written (including this one):

78

Average Number of Posts I Write Per Month:

6.3 (Highest: December, Lowest: July)

Average Number of Unique Visitors Per Month:

35 (Highest: August, Lowest: February)

Average Pageviews Per Month:

273 (Highest: November, Lowest: February)

Average Time Spent Per Visit:

3 minutes 23 seconds

Most Read Blog Post (3-way tie):

Old Wooden Teeth

Seven Strikes

5 Reasons to Tune in to Top Chef

Post Nobody Gave a Crap About (5-way tie):

Bachelor Boo-Hoo

Ooh That Smell

No Scents

Thanksgiving in a Box

I Had a Crush on the Free Credit Report Guy

Most Comments:

Finger Lickin’ Good

Most Frequently-Used Tag For the Posts I Write:

Pop Culture

Most Popular Search by Visitors:

Dating

Not too shabby for a silly little hobby. But now, I sit at a crossroads. Do I freeze this blog as a snapshot in time, and end it now? Or do I push past my first year and ramble on?

The fate of this blog rests in your hands!

Vote below (and yes, that means EVEN you anonymous readers… I KNOW you’re out there):

poll by twiigs.com

Mr. Wrong

I wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who answered my little survey and sent me lovely emails about my novel!

I'm sure 14% of you will be thrilled to know that my paper mache boyfriend is drying as we speak. Luckily, I had more than one copy of my manuscript laying about -- and you actually encouraged me to blow the dust off the cover and take a peek inside.

In a nutshell, my novel, Twenty-nine, is a coming-of-middle-age story. The dawn of a new decade forces Katherine Hunter to take stock of her life and she isn’t at all happy with what she sees. Guided by her addiction to horoscopes, Kate navigates her way down a barbed path to the big 3-0, along the way juggling age-old friendships, romantic disasters, a stagnant career, and the evil beast that is her bathroom scale.

I thought I’d share a few snippets from one of my favorite chapters -- titled “Mr. Wrong.” Somehow, it rings as true to me today as it did when I wrote it more than 6 years ago…


“I’ve got someone I want you to meet.”

To many people those eight words were filled with hope. It was a chance to live the fairy tale. Happily ever after. To Katherine Hunter, those words were anxiety-filled disaster balloons waiting to pop and ooze all over her head. The last time Kate naively agreed to a fix-up was the summer after she graduated college, during one of many off-periods with her ex, Jack. The fix-up was with a red-headed, bird-faced octopus who got a swift knee to the nuts when he got fresh and forgot the meaning of “no.” The experience was enough to make her swear off blind dates forever.

Still, the offers came in over the years from unsuspecting folk who had not yet heard her “Under No Circumstances Shall Ye Set Me Up” manifesto. These people -- cab drivers, co-workers, friends, bosses, her mother, her tailor, her dental hygienist -- were all well-intentioned, but they never really took anything relevant into account when looking for love.

They'd say, “I have a brother (son/friend/dog walker) who is single (divorced/just got out of a bad relationship/incarcerated) who wants to (needs to/should/would if he knew what was good for him) go out with a nice girl like you.”

These collective yentas, invariably married or live-ins, and their star-crossed love connections had little motivation other than the fact that Kate and Prince Not Particularly Charming were both single. Nothing like putting two strangers at a dinner table in front of a hearty helping of small talk with a side of uncomfortable silence, Kate thought. Basing a date on this criterion was the social equivalent of setting up two people because they both had noses…


I won’t give away the meat of the chapter, but let’s just say that Kate eventually goes on another blind date. And it doesn’t go well.


… Kate stood up and walked out. In the one stroke of good luck that evening, a taxi of mercy sat outside the restaurant with its vacant light lit and whisked her across the Hudson to pick up her car. While exiting the Holland Tunnel, her cell phone rang. It was Alex.

“Do not speak. Pat’s a freak. He sent his friend Ed. And now you are dead,” Kate inadvertently rhymed turning this debacle into Dr. Seuss for pathetic singles. (I do not like guys with fake names. Please do not play these foolish games.)

Silence from the other end was broken by a male voice, “Kate, it’s Henry.”

“Ah. Well, pal, same goes for you. Please tell your wife that the next time I want to have an evening like I just had, I’ll head down to the Port Authority, find a man eating from the garbage, ask him to dinner, and then let him shit in my purse.”

“Come on, he was that bad?”

“He wasn’t even there! He sent a stunt double to determine if I’m datable!! Regardless, I’m becoming a lesbian tomorrow. Please be sure to pass it on.”

Kate snapped her phone shut and looked at the rear-view mirror in disgust as her cab driver with no vowels in his name raise his unibrow in interest. "Perhaps a nun would be a safer bet," Kate muttered under her breath as they sped off into the night.



So, what do YOU think of blind dates -- love them, or loathe them? And has anyone EVER been on a good one?

Loyal Readers

I’ve been SUCH a slacker this month with my posts.

It’s not you, it’s me! I’ve wanted to blog. Really, I have. And trust me, I still do have a LOAD of meaningless things to say (especially since my Experiment is working).

I just haven’t found the time. No excuse, I know.

Earlier today, an anonymous Loyal Reader reminded me that I need to “get a typin’.” (I swear, it’s not my mom – she doesn’t understand how to work the computer). Anyway, he (or she) is totally right! But I need to get going on more than just my blog -- this friendly kick in the ass has also reminded me that what I REALLY need to get going on is my book.

My what? My book!

I originally started this blog as a way to get back into writing after a long hiatus. (If you already know this story, feel free to sing along.)

Follow me waaaay back in time to 2002. I was about to turn 29, and I was having a crisis of sorts. I wasn’t happy at my job, in my relationships, or with my living situation. To me, turning 30 was a very scary proposition, mainly because I had a long checklist filled with empty boxes (House, husband, kids? Nah, nope, nada!) Before I started a new decade, my life needed a spring cleaning. And I needed to shake things up a bit. So I took a vacation all by myself to the Cayman Islands for 10 days, and started writing a novel.

It was about a single girl. From Jersey. On the verge of turning 30. (They say write what you know, right?)

I wrote it in real-time from my 29th birthday until the time I turned 30. I’d work out the next plot point or piece of dialogue in my head while I was driving home from work. I’d jot down notes on napkins and gum wrappers during the day as something funny occurred to me. I slept with a notebook next to my bed. I knew exactly where the story began, and exactly how it would end, but the journey in between was shaping me as much as I was shaping it.

In the end, I wound up with a 280-page manuscript that was kinda funny and kinda touching, part fantasy and part based on my actual life (and the people in it).

Anyway, I spent the next year editing the story -- punching up the funny, filling in the blanks, and soliciting feedback from my close friends and family on ways to make it better, tighter, smarter. Now keep in mind, this was never meant to be the next Great American Novel -- it was nothing more than a summer beach read, a guilty pleasure. Written to be read in a weekend.

Because I started my career in book publishing, there was this false notion that I had all these industry contacts. Newsflash: The turnover in publishing is worse than at your local deli, so any experience I got there was pretty much useless (unless I wanted to order a turkey sandwich, in which case, the new guy behind the counter could bang one out just as good as the old guy).

I told everyone it didn’t matter if it ever got published. “It was fun just writing it,” I’d say. Sounds a lot like, “it was an honor just being nominated,” doesn’t it? Well, I was full of total crap. While I WAS afraid of having my writing and my story (which was loosely based on ME) judged by perfect strangers, I really wanted to get it published. Really bad.

Then, life got in the way.

Soon after I was finished editing, and re-editing, and re-re-editing my manuscript, my mom got sick. Most of my free time and energy went into helping my parents out. As it should. And thankfully, she's better now! But this lasted for several years, which left my poor book alone to fend for itself (it turns out, unpublished novels are very shy, lazy creatures who stubbornly refuse to see the light of day unless somebody actually sends them someplace -- who knew?).

So there mine sat, collecting dust. Which is exactly what it’s still doing right about… now.

To tell you the truth, I’m overwhelmed just thinking about reading it again -- it was such a snapshot of my life at the time. And that was my big “hook” -- the author has written it in real-time as she, herself, was turning 30! “What a wunderkind,” they would say.

Now, all these years later, I am more like stale Wonder Bread -- my pop culture references are hopelessly out of date and I’m actually closer to 40 than I am to 30 (and yes, the mere thought of that still makes me throw up a little in my mouth). And that long checklist I had filled with empty boxes? Still mostly unchecked.

So, Loyal Readers, I’d like your help…

poll by twiigs.com

Don’t see an answer you like in this multiple choice? Write your own below!